next time I'm called the wrong gender

[atlantis63]

I shall absolutely flip

there is nothing more annoying in my book than someone calling you the wrong gender or using the wrong pronouns

specially when said person knows what the correct ones are and has done for six years

[Carolyn Marie]

Yes, I agree that it can be very annoying, not to mention hurtful if it's done with malice.  A real friend or a nice coworker would not keep doing that.

 

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

My least favorite are the ones who have pressure on them to do it as a "spiritual favor" to you, and have caved into the H8 side of our lives.  Yes, I had one person tell me that was why they began misgendering me.   They had been convinced that they and I would go to HE double toohpicks if they did not do the wrong way.  SIGH!!!!

[Ivy]

People have said I am going there behind my back….   Come to think of it, there were some folks saying it pretty openly at our local Pride Fest.

I do have family members praying for me of course.  I appreciate their concern.

If I end up there I'll be surprised.  If there is such a place, I can't see being Ivy as the best way to get there.  I suppose there other reasons though.  But the longer I was in the book club, the harder it was to understand it at all.

[Sally Stone]

I try to go easy on someone if I sense they are truly confused but I have no patience for anyone who misgenders out of spite or because they think they have a valid reason.  Whatever their reason it should never be license to be rude or mean.  In my view, people who misgender because they think they have a valid reason to do so are just selfish and self-centered.  In essence, they are taking our gender identity and trying to make it their issue.  It drives me nuts that so many people think of themselves as the "center of the universe."  They have this view that everything is about them and nobody else matters.  I wish people would wake up and recognize they don't live alone in the world, that there are others out there, and that their actions and words have consequences.  Just take the time to consider how what they say or do might impact others.

[Vidanjali]

Being misgendered with malicious intent, or misguided religious conviction, or out of selfishness when someone decides that what they believe about you is not as important as how you experience yourself is... there are a lot of words for that...

 

Being misgendered because someone forgot, or it didn't register when you told them, or they weren't paying attention when you told them - that feels different somehow. I can recall several people whom I've come out to, only for them to seem as if they have amnesia about it when they go right back to "lady-ing" me the next time they see me. The positive side of that is it made me realize that coming out is way more important to me than it is to anyone else. And for that reason, it has made it easier, much less nerve wracking, to tell someone, should the occasion arise. It just seems so strange to me that someone would let such intimate information go in one ear and out the other. But again, it's ultimately given me a stronger sense of not depending on others for my validation and happiness.

[MaeBe]

I'm still playing in the half in my former world, a lot of calls I'm making I'm getting "Sir" and in some I have to use my birthname (BECAUSE WA LICENSING IS TAKING THEIR SWEET TIME!). My father is another battle, one I have not even started. I haven't told him I go by different pronouns and have had my name legally changed. I have a feeling I'll be swallowing my anger many times for the remainder of our lives on this Earth together. That said, there is something to muscle memory but six years is plenty of time to normalize names and pronouns!

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, VickySGV said:

My least favorite are the ones who have pressure on them to do it as a "spiritual favor" to you, and have caved into the H8 side of our lives.  Yes, I had one person tell me that was why they began misgendering me.   They had been convinced that they and I would go to HE double toohpicks if they did not do the wrong way.  SIGH!!!!

That is such nonsense. These type of people ignore Jesus’s teachings. He died for our sins. We are forgiven. 
 

The Bible says something to the effect that if your eye causes you to sin cut it out. How is transitioning any different? If suicide is an unforgivable sin and transitioning helps to prevent that sin then in the Bible’s own words it is better to do so and end up in heaven. 
 

People that do the judging are not worth getting upset about. They live in glass houses casting stones. They don’t even know what they are talking about anyways.  Ignore them and carry on.

[AllieJ]

Despite a change in my wardrobe, I am still very much the same person I always was. People I deal with regularly, and people who have only known me since I transitioned, pretty much always gender me correctly. People who have known me for years struggle with this. We build mental pictures of people over time, and when we occasionally see them, that picture is what pops into our minds. When they see me, those years of memories flood back, and that bit of recent information can be overwhelmed. So they address me as they always have.

 

Most times, they will take a second look, apologise and address me correctly. They feel bad because they think they made me feel bad, but I feel bad for putting them in this position. So I tell them not to worry, and just go about adding to their new memories of me. Because I understand this, their misgendering doesn't affect me. I am more than my gender, and I know they respect me for all that I am. 

 

Yes, there are those who from malicious, religious, stupid, or simply lazy who don't respect you, but misgendering you is a reflection on them, not you. I try to only regard the words of people I respect, and ignore the words of people I don't, so those who intentionally misgender me are simply not worth my time or emotions. I know who I am, and if they can't figure it out, it's their problem!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, AllieJ said:

I try to only regard the words of people I respect, and ignore the words of people I don't, so those who intentionally misgender me are simply not worth my time or emotions. I know who I am, and if they can't figure it out, it's their problem!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

That is a great way to look at it.

[KymmieL]

I have been misgendered but only a couple times at my current job. I am Kym, only a few people know my true name and gender.

 

If I hear anyone at work misgendering me on purpose. I am going straight to HR. I will not tolerate it. Plus the Harassment policy includes Transgender.

 

I have yet to get a religious person telling me I'm going to he!! I will remind them that the restraining order take out by the devil is still in effect. LOL

 

Kymmie

[Heather Shay]

I get it. Even though I know most don't do it intentionally, it still reminds me it still shows and it hurts,

[Vidanjali]

12 hours ago, AllieJ said:

We build mental pictures of people over time, and when we occasionally see them, that picture is what pops into our minds.

 

...So I tell them not to worry, and just go about adding to their new memories of me. Because I understand this, their misgendering doesn't affect me. I am more than my gender, and I know they respect me for all that I am. 

 

That's a great perspective. Moreover, people build a mental muscle memory of what constitutes one gender or another based on their social and cultural conditioning. So this phenomenon occurs also when meeting someone new. It is gratifying to see people make the effort to learn and correct themselves, though. That makes a big difference. You know, a plus side to it is you get quite a glimpse into people's psychology - how rigid or adaptable they are in accommodating a new framework once its introduced. And that tells you something about a person's character.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I get how it could feel really annoying, even distressing.  Its different for each of us, I think. 

 

For me, misgendering isn't a big deal.  Because to me, the average member of society just doesn't hold a position of particular value in my life.  They haven't earned it, so they're here this moment, gone the next.  If they're fools or whatever, it doesn't do much for me.  I'm happy to play along with the foolishness to a certain extent, because its the easier choice between being right and being happy. 

 

People I have to encounter in more than a passing way get divided into 3 categories:  I like them, or I dislike them, or I am mostly indifferent.  If somebody wanted to make me uncomfortable or be nasty to me...they get put in the dislike category, and then I ignore and avoid them.  Of course, I benefit from not having to be employed outside my home.  Avoiding somebody could be difficult if its a coworker you're forced to be around. 

[Birdie]

Accidental misgendering is bound to happen one way or the other. The only thing that upsets me is when it's intentional. When someone knows how you wish to be gendered but obviously genders is you the other way because of their own personal beliefs. This is rather upsetting.

 

I have one neighbour that is taking it upon himself to inform all of the "new residents" in the building of my "correct gender."

 

The other day in the hallway he was talking to a new occupant outside of his door as I was passing. He told the individual, "this is J***, and he is a dude. He looks like a girl but he is a dude."

 

He has told me, "I met you a a dude, so you will always be a dude to me, and I don't believe in the intersex hogwash."

 

He has also told me I don't belong in Texas!

 

Yet I have a uterus and fallopian tubes, natural breasts and curves, and no penis. I was born this way, but I don't fit his "two gender" mentality. Excuse me for being born!

[rhonda74]

When it comes to mis genderize, I wait for the person to correct themselves. if not, then I would politely correct them.                 If the person shows an interest to learn more, then I would educate them on the use of pronouns.  

[Ivy]

Just now, rhonda74 said:

   If the person shows an interest to learn more, then I would educate them on the use of pronouns.  

I'm happy to talk about this stuff to people - if their questions are in good faith.  If they just want to argue, I've got nothing for them.

[rhonda74]

Accidental misgendering, can also happen among family members, my sister sometimes addresses me by my other name but correct herself and address me by my female name. Since it's my sister, the other name is the only name she remembered me by, which will take time for her to get used to my new name.

[Sally Stone]

Just now, rhonda74 said:

Accidental misgendering, can also happen among family members

Even being trans myself, it was hard initially to use the correct pronouns when addressing my non-binary niece.  They had always been she, her, and when they, them became the pronoun of choice, even I struggled to get it right.  Any slip ups were completely unintentional.