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Dating as your AGAB before transitioning


Rory

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Hello, I'm Rory, 18 pre-all MtF. I want to apologise early for asking something not so significant, but thoughts came over me several times this day, so I wanted to ask

 

    I heard a take that you should date as your AGAB before transitioning, so you can feel it through (even if you would regret it). I feel really reluctant to this idea, I don't want to start my dating life as my assigned gender

    How reasonable is this? I think that it's obvious you can feel a sense that you've missed something you could do, and have lost some experience, before going in action and transition (kinda like a millionaire's kid who may feel bad about not earning their wealth by hard labour, hence, they didn't realise what they needed to realise, or didn't deserve it) 

    But isn't it too mentally exhausting to do something as your AGAB because, well, you're trans?

It's hard to just accept it when it already happened, but the take sounds a bit reasonable. What should I do? 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Rory.  Welcome to TGP!

 

That advice sounds like what someone would say if they were hoping that you would talk yourself out of being trans.  I don't think it would work as a generic "one size fits all" piece of advice.  The best thing to do is to talk to a gender therapist and, with their help, come up with personal plans for situations like that, as well as for whether, when, and how you might want to transition.

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Just now, KathyLauren said:

Hi, Rory.  Welcome to TGP!

 

That advice sounds like what someone would say if they were hoping that you would talk yourself out of being trans.  I don't think it would work as a generic "one size fits all" piece of advice.  The best thing to do is to talk to a gender therapist and, with their help, come up with personal plans for situations like that, as well as for whether, when, and how you might want to transition.

Sadly, I don't have an access to LGBT-friendly specialists in my country right now. I think I would be able in the future, but who knows

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Just now, Rory said:

Sadly, I don't have an access to LGBT-friendly specialists in my country right now. I think I would be able in the future, but who knows

 

I am sorry to hear that. 

 

I believe there are online therapists.  I have no experience with them, but perhaps other members do and can help. 

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Hi Rory, and welcome to TGP

 who you wish to have a relationship with is more about sexual preference than gender Identity? As others have said, talking through with someone who is qualified may help untangle your approach perhaps search for online therapists in Europe.My own personal Journey (and we are each different) I never had a relationship even at school, it wasnt until after my surgery that my interest probably due to hormones changed

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Hi @Rory! Welcome to this community. 

 

16 hours ago, Rory said:

I feel really reluctant to this idea, I don't want to start my dating life as my assigned gender

 

That right there is really the answer to your question, I think. I never heard that advice before. I've definitely never heard it as a standard practice. If you don't want to do that, don't!

 

16 hours ago, Rory said:

But isn't it too mentally exhausting to do something as your AGAB because, well, you're trans?

 

I could maybe see that advice directed to someone in the process of questioning their gender. Certainly if someone is inclined to date, then dating in one's agab would provide some insight into the relative dis/comfort level of performing the "normal" agab gender role within that interaction or relationship. But as a self-professed MtF, what benefit would there be to you by experiencing a male dating or relationship role? On the other hand, it seems that that would risk inducing dysphoria in you, and possibly hurting a dating partner by not being genuine with them or pretty much using them for experimentation (unless you found someone with whom you felt comfortable disclosing). So, again, if you're reaction is reluctance and the notion that it would be mentally exhausting, go with your intuition. And you're also allowed to change your mind, too. So if you wind up being curious, then likewise follow your heart. I'll also add that there are no particular hurdles you must jump or benchmarks you must achieve to validate being trans. That is, you do not have to prove you're trans by subjecting yourself to agab role experiences, as if you were being tested to rule out other possibilities.

 

I am sorry it is so very challenging to be trans in your country. And I am aware that your country has seriously cracked down on books it deems as "propaganda". Definitely stay safe!! But if you're able, "You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Hoffman-Fox, LPC (they/them) is an excellent gender therapy workbook. Be well!

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Hi @Rory, welcome. The advice to date as your AGAB before you transition is part of the disinformation being spread by anti-trans organisations who see transition as a worse-case scenario. You can see similar advice in the UK’s Cass Review and there are reports from Finland of therapists voicing the same view there too, thanks to the influence of those same organisations. There is no evidence whatsoever to support this theory and you should not take it seriously. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Honestly I've found that I'm able to connect with people better when I tell them I am nonbinary/trans/more female identifying than telling them I am male (I was born a man). It feels more freeing and creatively expressive. When I was dating people as a man I felt like I was just leading us both on and I knew it probably would not last. Honestly, the experiences as dating as a nonbinary person were way more fulfilling.

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Rory. My personal opinion is that going through transition is hard enough to deal with unless dating is with someone you are attracted to and shows attraction to you. But it's you call. Do what you feel is right for you, NOT what others say to do.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/19/2025 at 8:34 PM, Heather Shay said:

Welcome Rory. My personal opinion is that going through transition is hard enough to deal with unless dating is with someone you are attracted to and shows attraction to you. But it's you call. Do what you feel is right for you, NOT what others say to do.

But what if my feelings are not realreal and legitimate?

Others know me better, really

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  • Forum Moderator

No one knows your feelings or you better than you know yourself. Others only know what you tell them, what they see you do and how you portray yourself and your feelings to them. Only you know if your feelings are legitimate because they are internal to you.

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Just now, April Marie said:

No one knows your feelings or you better than you know yourself. Others only know what you tell them, what they see you do and how you portray yourself and your feelings to them. Only you know if your feelings are legitimate because they are internal to you.

I know, and it just genuinely hurts because I don't even understand what's happening with me. I don't understand what I feel, I feel numb and selfless. The times when I feel like I can say something about myself and actually be confident and not trying to apply to standards are either driven by others (when I try to understand myself through comparing myself with others on the internet from their blogs, and this motivation doesn't last long), or episodic (the only long time when I could actually say I was happy was 3 DAYS long, started because I convinced myself I don't need to transition, yet still wanting it, and, to be honest, felt really alien). I'm so tired of this thing out of nowhere (I felt like this from childhood, actually), it feel as if I was robbed of a personality

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I certainly wouldn't say you have to date as your AGAB before transitioning.  A lot of times, relationships fail during the transition process.  And, why would a person look for a "temporary" relationship, only to have to do the hard work all over again with somebody else?  Makes no sense to me....but then my outlook on relationships has always been to look at forever. 

 

I found my GF, female partners, and husband when I was still in my girl form.  GF was (and is) my first relationship.  I'm in my boy form now, and our relationship has survived.  Would it have been easier to date in my current gender form?  Maybe, but maybe not.  Hard to second-guess the past.  

 

Nobody else's path is exactly like your path, so do what you feel like you need to do.  Take everybody's recommendations with a healthy dose of skepticism....

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