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Joanne Grace

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Hi girls,  I've just come back from a lovely holiday in the sun with my girlfriend,  I've been working with my therapist for a couple of months and after a few sessions I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I'm transgender or at least genderfluid but after being with my girlfriend all week as a male, I'm still wondering if I'll be doing the right thing? It seems natural to be male when I'm with her, my therapist has said, it's because I've had to hide who I am all my life, all 62 years, that I find it a habit to be male, as that's what I've always presented myself as? The whole holiday my mind has been racing and although I love being John with her, I've been constantly thinking about being Joanne, I very nearly told her after seeing a drag act and also seeing the headlines about the death of the Vivian, who she new in passing from her days clubbing in the gay quarter of Liverpool, she has a lot of gay and trans friends from those days and is still in touch with some of them. I had a few drinks and nearly told her but I stopped myself.  I have slipped right back into dressing as Joanne as soon as I got home last night.  I'm still feeling very anxious about telling her. I am having a video session with my therapist tomorrow,  I hope she can give me some pointers? Hugs and kisses 🥰 

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  • Forum Moderator

I wonder if the conflict you are sensing is between the comfort of what you are familiar with versus the comfort of what will make you happy.  Perhaps that is something to raise with your therapist.

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On 1/12/2025 at 7:02 PM, Joanne Grace said:

Hi girls,  I've just come back from a lovely holiday in the sun with my girlfriend,  I've been working with my therapist for a couple of months and after a few sessions I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I'm transgender or at least genderfluid but after being with my girlfriend all week as a male, I'm still wondering if I'll be doing the right thing? It seems natural to be male when I'm with her, my therapist has said, it's because I've had to hide who I am all my life, all 62 years, that I find it a habit to be male, as that's what I've always presented myself as? The whole holiday my mind has been racing and although I love being John with her, I've been constantly thinking about being Joanne, I very nearly told her after seeing a drag act and also seeing the headlines about the death of the Vivian, who she new in passing from her days clubbing in the gay quarter of Liverpool, she has a lot of gay and trans friends from those days and is still in touch with some of them. I had a few drinks and nearly told her but I stopped myself.  I have slipped right back into dressing as Joanne as soon as I got home last night.  I'm still feeling very anxious about telling her. I am having a video session with my therapist tomorrow,  I hope she can give me some pointers? Hugs and kisses 🥰 

My first thoughts on reading your post were, is your therapist a transgender specialist?. If you are asking for an opinion, then perhaps more therapy with someone that is qualified? before you commit to doing anything else 

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I also think it's important to focus on what makes you happy as opposed to feeling comfortable. Which is the real you? Perhaps it's not even just one or the other. Perhaps it is both. Or, perhaps it's more of the feel of presenting as a woman instead of the desire to be a (trans) woman? 

 

Those are things to explore and solidify in your own mind with your therapist before you open up to your girlfriend.

 

Hang in there! None of this is easy. And, we're here if you need us.

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It soundsd like your girlfriend is acquainted with and accepts the LGBTQ+ community. So that's a plus. I wonder if you've discussed this with your therapist. In not, it would be a good idea. I know, in my case, my firsr time I came out, it was to a friend who lived a distance away and not part of my local friends/family. If rejected, it wouldn't hurt as much to lose that persom. I then worked my way in in order to gain confidence. However, if the relationship is important, I think sooner than later to telling her. Being she hasn't lived with being LGBTQ, you are much longer along your journey and so it may come as a shock - and she may have to go through steps a greiving, be compassion and give her room. If she rejects you then it is also better to know sooner than later. Even if she first rejects, that may be a reaction to the news but give it time to settle in. That's my opinion, but you know her so let your inner being guide you.

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Answer to your question, kat2, yes my therapist is experienced in lgtbq+, we have discussed about coming out to my girlfriend and she says that I need to do it when I'm ready, but the longer I leave it the harder it's going to get? Everything you've all been saying to me, she has as well. I'm getting stronger and more aware of what I want, I just need to take that step. I had a video call with my therapist on yesterday,  and I presented myself as Joanne,  it's the first video call we've had, and she was amazed how good I look as a woman,  she said if she walked past me in the street,  she wouldn't know, which gave me some more confidence. 

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Perhaps it could be less of a "coming out" as a "letting in" about where you're at. Not that you're one thing necessarily, it sounds like you may not even have that answer, but sharing that you are actively working through your identity and you feel that it's the right time to share more of yourself with her. You definitely don't have to define yourself if you're not ready--or ever, but if this person is someone you really appreciate and care about, they seem to be of an open mind, and you can see loving and being with her then perhaps just sharing more of you is enough?

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Just now, Joanne Grace said:

Answer to your question, kat2, yes my therapist is experienced in lgtbq+, we have discussed about coming out to my girlfriend and she says that I need to do it when I'm ready, but the longer I leave it the harder it's going to get? Everything you've all been saying to me, she has as well. I'm getting stronger and more aware of what I want, I just need to take that step. I had a video call with my therapist on yesterday,  and I presented myself as Joanne,  it's the first video call we've had, and she was amazed how good I look as a woman,  she said if she walked past me in the street,  she wouldn't know, which gave me some more confidence. 

I never had a relationship where I had to maintain the masquerade of being male in order to maintain the relationship.

 

However I have had relationships when I was pre op where I presented femininely. I was too scared to tell them. It was agonizing. I think based on that I understand your source of anxiety.

 

My warning is if you intend to transition then you will need to tell her so you can be you. The sooner you do it the better, for the sake of your heart.

 

Better to not get super close and be rejected then get close and be rejected and miss out on other people that you might meet after you have made your change that are accepting. The only condition if I where you would where I would remain silent is if I decided I would rather be with her then follow my life path.

 

That being said, and this might just be some residue jadedness from pretransition speaking, but what if you sacrificed yourself for her and she still ended up leaving you and then you missed out at all that time of being you?

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