Accepting you as trans, defeating repression, finally integration, what does it mean to you?

[AnnMarie]

Been in therapy a few months now, went through some childhood issues and recovered/integrated the meek child whom I was, the little kid who loved Tinkerbell and Barbie. Now we're moving into the hard part, the teen years into young adulthood where I decided to "man up" and kill the transgender feelings. Of course this didn't work, and led me to developing anxiety, depression, and panic attacks (no longer). I'm a little scared to look inside of me during that time period. So many emotions.

 

I see that the way forward is to accept that I am transgender. Yes, I am. And I'm probably a binary transwoman. Yes, I accept that too. In my mind, who wouldn't want to be a woman. Anyway, I know I'll have to recover/integrate my teen/20's self and deal with the self-loathing aspect of that time period coming up. A lot of exercises, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, etc.

 

How did this process go for you? Were you able to come to terms with yourself easily? Accept yourself easily? Or was it difficult for you to do this? Periods of self-doubt? Feeling like a pinball machine bouncing around with resistance and acceptance? What was your experience? 

 

Thanks for any input! 

[kat2]

Since we are all different in our approach, think about the long term consequences and what you hope to gain going forward?

huggs

      kat

[April Marie]

I have traveled a similar path of self-doubt, guilt, self-forgiveness and acceptance in my journey. And, if it helps, I would bet that most of us have had a similar experience. And, I wish I could say that one day, it all just disappears. At least for me, that hasn't been the case.

 

It seemed as if the acceptance came relatively quickly when I began working with my therapist. The others less quickly and, perhaps, that's because it took me almost 68 years to finally accept my truth.

 

In my mind, you are on the right trajectory. Exploring, discussing, opening up and looking into the nooks and crannies. It's not always an easy process but I'm confident you'll find your way. I know I have, despite the doubts and guilt.

 

Stay with the process and know we are here if you need us.

[Ivy]

In my early 20's I was struggling with my identity, but I was completely oblivious to the concept of "transgender."  Then due to life changes in my 60's, I was forced to have another look at myself.  Discovering that I was actually a "woman of transgender experience" was actually a relief for me.  

I had been repressing it for most of my life.  Accepting this was very liberating.

[Sally Stone]

10 hours ago, AnnMarie said:

How did this process go for you?

It was difficult at best.  I experienced most of the same things you did, AnneMarie, and it took a long time to come to terms with the woman inside me.  The turning point for me was when I started sharing my feminine persona with the rest of the world.  For me, that was the best, most effective therapy for shedding the self doubt.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Mostly for me, acceptance means not fighting my body.  I tried to fit into the standard female mold for years, and it just didn't work.  I never grew breasts, I never grew pretty, and then I found out that my body is intersex and I've got all sorts of weird features. 

 

It has been a long process.  Started as a teenager when I admitted to myself (and my sister) that I like girls.  For a while I thought that meant I was a lesbian.  Then in my late 20s my GF introduced me to my husband, and I learned that I sort of like boys too...and that there's different ways to approach my body that I never really thought of before.  And after a while, I had to admit my feelings about it.  I had to talk with a doctor who would actually listen, and discover what was really going on. 

 

I couldn't have made any of this progress on my own.  I needed my sister and my partners to help me. 

[AnnMarie]

While you can logically accept that you are trans, which I do, truly accepting it without reservation and even liking it is the hard part. The mind can throw up barriers to self-acceptance. The difficult part is to figure out what is a barrier (repression) to be overcome and what is something that is really not you. Learning to trust yourself and looking inside is key to fighting the confusion.