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questions about appearance clashing with identity (i guess?)


snailbella

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hello everyone, im new to the forum. im MtF (on an important note, im nonbinary fem aligned, they/her pronouns), only having around 4 years transitioning, 3 of which are on HRT. as of lately i’ve been feeling more accustomed to my own body, identity and expression of it, but lately i’ve been having some real clashing ideas that are maybe deemed “weird” (apologies, i do not know how to describe my ideas). some time ago i thought recurrently of my partner refering to me with male denominators, not really male pronouns, but calling me husband instead of wife or partner, i must say i liked that thought a bit, the same as me imagining my partner call me father to our future kids. however, i would not like for male denominators to be used constantly, i’ve came to the conclusion its more of a “i dont mind if my partner uses male denominators from time to time” kind of thing, because i really dont feel comfortable being called by masculine pronouns by strangers or people i dont have a lot of connection with. another thought i’ve persistently had is about hair. facial hair to be more precise. for a while now i’ve been fantasizing myself having a goatee type of beard/facial hair. when i think about this i dont really feel uncomfortable, weird or something of the sort. in fact, i quite like imagining myself having that beard. and it clashes a lot with my thought. i keep thinking it would be weird or awkward socially explaining im still a woman even though i have a goatee (i present only as a transgirl with new people) and its really made me think a lot. do any transgirls out there have thoughts/fantasies of having a beard or any type of regularly masculine assigned characteristics/looks? this question isn’t closed only to transfems/transgirls, anyone can answer if they want to. thanks in advance and apologies if i offend someone, as it is not my objective to be a bad person or offend someone from my own community.

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Forums, you are not the only one with the situation you describe.  Gender is a matter of your size fitting ONLY YOU and really no one else.  For partnered NB people there is a special need to communicate and "Read" each other that can make things a problem as far as any social interaction.  It takes time, patience and big doses of forgiveness from time to time.  You are here, so enjoy you ability to talk about "clumsy" times.

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to TGP! Each of us are unique but still often have much in common. I can't answer your question regarding facial hair since, for me, the desire is to totally eliminate it but there may well be others who can. Feel free to wander about the forums, ask questions and jump into conversations where you feel comfortable. You are safe and accepted here.

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome snailbella. I'm glad you are here. I went the other way MtF but I know several FtM who talk about their journey. 

Everybody's journey is different and we all react differently. I wonderful if you've discussed this with a therapist to help guide you and determining what YOU want. There is such a spectrum in gender that you are well within your rights to feel the way you do. If it brings you discomfort about the denominators or any aspect with your wife telling tohers, discuss it openly with her and be honest. A compromise is definitely in order. In regard to the beard, I would think T in your HRT would promote hair growth but again it's an individual thing. If you like it - let it grow and test the waters, if nervous at this point, shave. 

It is also quite ok to fantasize as long as it doesn't cause you discomfort. These are my opinions so don't take them for gospel but know I'm using myself and many trans friends discussion.

 

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You are my baby and I love you Snailbella, and I do get the feeling of having conflicting gender expression desires form your perceived gender. It may be easier to comprehend for other trans folks that having a beard doesn't make you any less femenine if that's what you're going for. As a FtM I still have desires to use my hair long, wear femme clothes and use make-up, and that doesn't mean I'll stop being a man in my heart. Just like you don't have to comply to whatever social norms cishet people created for a way to segregate man and woman, and erase everything in-between. You just need to be yourself, the you I keep falling in love everyday. I hope my words help you even a tiny bit, I love you.

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11 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

Welcome snailbella. I'm glad you are here. I went the other way MtF but I know several FtM who talk about their journey. 

Everybody's journey is different and we all react differently. I wonderful if you've discussed this with a therapist to help guide you and determining what YOU want. There is such a spectrum in gender that you are well within your rights to feel the way you do. If it brings you discomfort about the denominators or any aspect with your wife telling tohers, discuss it openly with her and be honest. A compromise is definitely in order. In regard to the beard, I would think T in your HRT would promote hair growth but again it's an individual thing. If you like it - let it grow and test the waters, if nervous at this point, shave. 

It is also quite ok to fantasize as long as it doesn't cause you discomfort. These are my opinions so don't take them for gospel but know I'm using myself and many trans friends discussion.

 

Snailbella reached out to me really sad that someone missinterpreted our genders, she is MtF, and I, the *boy*friend am FtM. Her hormone therapy has to do with estrogen, as she naturally grows a (skimp-ish but) beautiful lil goatee. She was worried someone on the internet thought she was a man ( ´・_ゝ・), but she didnt know how to reply or quote a comment, so I joined to see how to help her (plus some tips from other FtMs may be helpful to me, but that's besides the point). I wanna clarify we both are in no way angry or anything, I just want to clarify Snailbella is a girl (also leaning on non-binary but you get the point)

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