Hi, this is my transition from MtF; Scott to Heather

[HeatherK]

Hi, my name is Heather Kelley, the birth name that was given to me is Scott. I use to call myself Scotti but I found I I didn't care for that name as I got older. I absolutely love these 3 female names so I'm now calling myself Heather Annette Kelley.

 

This is going to be sort of a diary. I'm not going to reintroduce myself with another long story about my childhood etc.... this is going to be my story starting today.

 

I'm 55 straight acting male married to a woman I met about 18 years. Been married to her for about 5 years now. She is my 2nd Wife we have no kids together.

 

This past weekend we fought about the dumbest stuff. She has been on me for just about any reason she can find and when I do what she wants me to do it's still not good enough. Saturday I was soooo frustrated with my vehicle as it hasn't been running, I'm not a mechanic but I can do some minor repairs. I couldn't get it to start and with my Wife on my butt I was so frustrated I felt like crying..... I told her many times I can't physically and emotionally do "this" anymore.  I've been taking her car(I pay for it) To work the last week and all I hear is her complaining about it.

 

Today she calls me at work and tells me we need to talk about our marriage and how she feels like we aren't right together anymore. I 100% agree that we should go our separate ways but I didn't tell her that.... yet. 

 

Today I called a therapist that is LGBTQIA2S+ friendly but they weren't open due to the Holiday today, Martin Luther King Day. I didn't leave a message on their answering machine as I'll be calling back tomorrow to inquire about seeing a therapist.

 

Saturday I shaved my beard off, I am growing my hair long again. It's been since 1996 that I've had long hair. I've been speaking to my wife in a more feminine tone, Im not sure if she has picked up on that yet. She has a pretty good idea I'm attracted to men as yesterday she made another derogatory gay remark about me and I didn't try to correct her, I just agreed with her to avoid more stress.

I by no means are 100% innocent as I've been doing things I know that annoy her. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want her to make the first move at dissolving our marriage. Seems like she has by the phone call she made to me today.

 

Saturday evening I created a Facebook account for Heather. I blocked a whole bunch of people I know to keep me from being outed before I can do so myself. I know eventually I'll have to come out. I'm not ready yet.

 

I so desperately want the freedom and privacy to find Heather without ridicule from my Wife. She won't be understanding of how I feel inside. In a nut shell that's my today.... 

 

I'm going to buy some bracelets that are androgynous. Not to tip off anyone. I'm definitely in stealth mode and in the earliest stages of transitioning. 

 

 

[HeatherK]

Hello...... so yesterday was spent going to the Doctor for my annual checkup. I have high blood pressure. Every thing was good on my part. 

Had to take my Wife to see her Doctor. She just completed radiation treatments for breast cancer, she didn'thave to take chemo. Yesterday was a check up to see how everything is going for her. She's doing well. 

 

I didn't call the therapist as I said I would, got side tracked with all the running around yesterday. 

Last night she got upset at me for not putting away the bottled water we bought at the grocery store, she then proceeded to tell me she wants out of our marriage. 

Last night after her outburst I was going through our stock pile of medications. She doesn't throw anything away. I found about 3 months worth of Premarin estrogen tablets. I took one of them. Not sure if it's smart to take all of them over the next several months or not. I did some reading up on them. 

Edited January 23 by Carolyn Marie
Dosage info deleted, per site rules.

[Carolyn Marie]

Heather, I'm sorry that you are going through this stressful, emotional turmoil with your wife.  I hope that the two of you can find some level of understanding so that things don't escalate.  I can see that you are ready to start your journey, but I urge you not to take any HRT medications without advice of an experienced endocrinologist or other physician.  I also urge you to find a good gender therapist to help you through this period of time.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Heather.  I hope that you and your wife can find your way forward with the minimum of pain.

 

55 minutes ago, HeatherK said:

I found about 3 months worth of Premarin estrogen tablets. I took one of them. Not sure if it's smart to take all of them over the next several months or not.

 

You are wise to consider whether or not it is smart to do that.  I would say not, for a couple of reasons.  First of all, hormones are serious, strong medications, and should only be used under the supervision of a doctor.  You need to have your blood hormone levels monitored regularly so that the dosage can be adjusted to what is right for you.  Secondly, Premarin is an outdated form of estrogen, with some serious health risks of its own.  There are better forms of bio-identical estrogen that are much safer to take.

 

[HeatherK]

Hi, all 3 of you have given me good sound advice.Thank you!! I won't take anymore of those pills. Thank you for caring about my well-being!!

I got cold feet about calling the therapist today. I've been practicing finding my feminine voice and when i hit the right timbre i feel so happy hearing Heather speak. I still need alot more practice before i feel comfortable speaking. I feel odd calling a therapist telling them I'm transgender in a male's voice.  I guess I need to get over my fear and make the call. I had the number up and ready to dial but didn't do it. But I know I need to see one and get all this stuff I've been suppressing for so long out. I'm assuming it will be a huge relief. I really feel that our marriage is over. Like I said before she won't accept me as Heather. 

[KathyLauren]

Just now, HeatherK said:

I feel odd calling a therapist telling them I'm transgender in a male's voice.

 

Trust me, hon, you would not be the first person with a male voice that has told them that they are a transgender woman.  I did shave off my beard before I saw my therapist for the first time, but I presented as a male, with my masculine name, and masculine voice for the first few times.

 

I realize it is scary to talk about this with a stranger for the first time, but you can do it.  All the better if you have already been practising a female voice.

 

I am sorry that things are not working out on the marriage front.  Hopefully, if you part, it can be on good terms.

[HeatherK]

Just now, KathyLauren said:

 

Trust me, hon, you would not be the first person with a male voice that has told them that they are a transgender woman.  I did shave off my beard before I saw my therapist for the first time, but I presented as a male, with my masculine name, and masculine voice for the first few times.

 

I realize it is scary to talk about this with a stranger for the first time, but you can do it.  All the better if you have already been practising a female voice.

 

I am sorry that things are not working out on the marriage front.  Hopefully, if you part, it can be on good terms.

Hi, thanks. Yes I'm scared to look into someone's eyes and admit I'm a transgender woman. I've had this macho persona for a long time and I'm afraid of being in a vulnerable place. Pretty sure I'll be OK admitting to someone who themself identifies as LGBTQIA2S+

[HeatherK]

I just got off the phone with the Therapist's office. My appointment is set for Jan 21st at 2 pm. I'm scared and excited at the same. 

[HeatherK]

Just now, HeatherK said:

I just got off the phone with the Therapist's office. My appointment is set for Jan 21st at 2 pm. I'm scared and excited at the same. 

Feb 21st sorry

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on making the appointment!

[HeatherK]

Just now, KathyLauren said:

Congratulations on making the appointment!

Thank you very much!! On the phone I was speaking very quietly as if the gal would find out I'm different and partially trying to speak more feminine but definitely not very confidently. I had to speak up so she didn't have to repeatedly ask me what I said. I was pretty nervous saying Im transgender. I told her I was sorry that I was calling. She said there's no need to be sorry, we're here to help.  Baby steps.....

[Mmindy]

Good evening @HeatherK

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, and I'm glad you've decided to stop taking any medications not specifically prescribed to you. Don't worry about being manly or in boy mode during your first several session with your therapist. If they're worth their salt they will be very familiar with people in the beginning stages of transition. You're in a state that has been very friendly and up to date on LGBTQIA+ legislation, so you should have receptive and accepting contacts.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋🙋🏼‍♀️

[HeatherK]

Just now, Mmindy said:

Good evening @HeatherK

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, and I'm glad you've decided to stop taking any medications not specifically prescribed to you. Don't worry about being manly or in boy mode during your first several session with your therapist. If they're worth their salt they will be very familiar with people in the beginning stages of transition. You're in a state that has been very friendly and up to date on LGBTQIA+ legislation, so you should have receptive and accepting contacts.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋🙋🏼‍♀️

Thank you!

[April Marie]

I also presented as male for my first few sessions with my therapist. It took me a bit to gain the confidence but once I did it was amazingly freeing. Take your time. You’ll know when it feels right. Having confidence in who we are is a battle against what we’ve been told and how we’ve been living all our lives. That doesn’t change overnight….but it will change for you. Baby steps has been my motto, too.

[HeatherK]

Just now, April Marie said:

I also presented as male for my first few sessions with my therapist. It took me a bit to gain the confidence but once I did it was amazingly freeing. Take your time. You’ll know when it feels right. Having confidence in who we are is a battle against what we’ve been told and how we’ve been living all our lives. That doesn’t change overnight….but it will change for you. Baby steps has been my motto, too.

I'm planning on wearing something pink to my first session. I have a purple comb that I'll be carrying in my back pocket for now On. Baby steps!!

[April Marie]

2 hours ago, HeatherK said:

I'm planning on wearing something pink to my first session. I have a purple comb that I'll be carrying in my back pocket for now On. Baby steps!!

Good for you!!!  Baby steps are still steps forward and that's all that matters. We all move at our own pace.

[kat2]

Hi Heather good luck on your Journey

             There are plenty of online tutorials regarding your voice, and a couple of apps for an android phone

voice tools for android

good luck

[HeatherK]

Thank you everyone! Yes I do feel like I'm heading to a better place even if it's baby steps! I called in sick today.... I'm playing hooky, I plan on practicing applying makeup. The thing I've been noticing the last couple weeks with my female co-workers is most of them wear fake eyelashes which I find very appealing. So my focus today is to practice doing my eyes. To me eyes are very sensuous and want to get good at doing my eyes up.

[HeatherK]

Well I was completely overwhelmed with all the array of stuff my wife has. I found a waterproof eyeliner color black. I guess I need to do research before I put stuff on and can't remove it..... lol

[April Marie]

Just now, HeatherK said:

Well I was completely overwhelmed with all the array of stuff my wife has. I found a waterproof eyeliner color black. I guess I need to do research before I put stuff on and can't remove it..... lol

Youtube is your friend for this stuff. You can find tons of How To videos for make-up. And you can really go overboard. For me, less is more. I use foundation creame with a setting powder, a little gel eyeliner on top and bottom of my eyes (not liquid - my hands aren't steady enough for that)(color depends on my outfit - I have black, brown, blue, green and gray), mascara, eyebrow pencil to darken, a little rouge on the high points of my cheeks that I blend to almost nothing and then lipstick. 

 

You can do it!!!

[HeatherK]

13 hours ago, Nats said:

@HeatherK I may be misreading this but don't share make up, hon - really risky.  Anything around the eyes in particular.  Get your own and make sure it never goes out of date (and never let anyone else borrow it). 

Keep your brushes immaculately clean; use a spatula; learn make up hygiene. 

Your wife’s make up is unlikely to be suitable for you.  Starting with skin shade, which needs to be carefully matched to your foundation. 

Sorry if I misunderstood your intent but honestly I'd be livid if anyone secretly used mine ... and her discovering that you'd done that wouldn't help the current situation.  Make up is a very personal thing ... I'd know, I really would!

Honestly, hon, watch some videos and find a local beautician for a few sessions.  30 miles away if necessary, so you won’t bump into anyone you know.  You need to look like your make up was done on purpose by someone who intended you to look like that. 

It's very easy to go spectacularly in the wrong direction.  Borrowing someone else's make up is the first step on that road. 

Also, sweetheart, I know at this point it's easy to get tunnel vision, but if she's sick she'll be particularly vulnerable.   I know you're having a rough time, but this won’t be easy for her, either.  It will probably go easier for you both in the long run if you can grit your teeth and be as supportive as possible – cover that with your therapist?

Apologies if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, I’m just trying to see it objectively, which must be difficult for you at the moment, in all the turmoil. 

With love. 

Hi Nats, thank you for your opinion. Yesterday I did not use any makeup. She does have a bunch of stuff, some of it is new still sealed. I was just sitting there at her vanity looking at all her stuff not really knowing what most of it is. 

 

I agree with you that I need my own, which I plan on buying. Just not sure what to buy atm. I do know I like black, blues, purples, silvers, reds color shades. Her colors are more neutral. 

I guess I never thought about the possibility of getting someone sick by sharing makeup. I've seen many women share some sort of cosmetics in the past. I thought it was a normal practice. I'll definitely not use hers when I start figuring out the makeup routine.

 

Im assuming the gender therapist will know a beautician that would be fine with showing me how to apply makeup.

Hugs, Heater

[April Marie]

Just now, HeatherK said:

 

 

Im assuming the gender therapist will know a beautician that would be fine with showing me how to apply makeup.

Hugs, Heater

If you have a Sephora nearby, they are generally very helpful and non-judgmental. Some stores even have scheduled events where they help trans customers learn about picking shades and applying make-up. 

 

Nats is right about not sharing make-up, especially mascara.

[HeatherK]

Is it normal to share a current picture of oneself on this forum or is it frowned on? I have found several AI phone apps that can take a picture of yourself and make it more feminine and put it onto a female body. 

[Timi]

Just now, HeatherK said:

Is it normal to share a current picture of oneself on this forum or is it frowned on? I have found several AI phone apps that can take a picture of yourself and make it more feminine and put it onto a female body. 

I recently learned that probably the best way to share a picture is to set up a gallery under your profile for that purpose. As I understand it (and moderators, please correct me if I'm wrong), only members can view gallery pictures, while non-member visitors can view posts. The gallery gives you a bit more privacy protection. 

[HeatherK]

Just now, April Marie said:

If you have a Sephora nearby, they are generally very helpful and non-judgmental. Some stores even have scheduled events where they help trans customers learn about picking shades and applying make-up. 

 

Nats is right about not sharing make-up, especially mascara.

There's 2 Sephora's at Khols not that far away from me. Is that the same as Sephora?