Hi, this is my transition from MtF; Scott to Heather

[HeatherK]

So I made an appointment to have a health checkup at Howard Brown Health Center to see if I qualify for HRT on Feb 19th at 9 am. 

[HeatherK]

I'm absolutely loving the scent of this perfume I've been wearing the past several days. I put a little bit more on today than I've been in the last few days. I'm pretty sure some of my coworkers can smell it. I don't care if they do. 

 

I'm growing my finger nails, I've always been a nail biter so it's killing me not to bite them all to the nubs. 

 

My wife was telling me about the medication she is taking for her breast cancer recovery. It's affecting her joints, making her skin itchy etc.... she said you don't have breasts so you wouldn't understand. I told her I wish I had breasts. I've been dropping subtle hints the last few days about me.

 

I also heard her talking to one of her friends on the phone last nite making fun of transgender people in a whole. She had made comments to me Saturday nite about my nephew who is very feminine looking. Making fun of him saying I bet he thinks he's a girl..... her comment mad me mad but I kept my mouth shut. I had a notion to say that I'm transgender but I'm scared of what would happen. I'm not ready to come out yet. So I have to suck it up and stay silent. 

 

I'm looking forward to buying a few more feminine articles of clothing. I'm really wanting some sort of bracelets. Perhaps I'll buy something Harley Davidson to stay under the radar to wear.

[HeatherK]

I've been doing fairly well eating better food and limiting my amount consumed. I go to bed with hunger pangs and wake up that way as well. I'm at roughly 270ish. I've let myself go due to being depressed and not caring.

 

Time to get busy getting into the best physical shape I can be. I used to lift weights, run, ride bicycles, hike etc.... now I just go to work and back. Alot of years being depressed hiding inside. Sleep is the thing I like to do the most as I can escape reality for a while. My wife absolutely hates the fact I'm always sleeping. She doesn't understand.

[April Marie]

Just now, HeatherK said:

I've been doing fairly well eating better food and limiting my amount consumed. I go to bed with hunger pangs and wake up that way as well. I'm at roughly 270ish. I've let myself go due to being depressed and not caring.

 

Time to get busy getting into the best physical shape I can be. I used to lift weights, run, ride bicycles, hike etc.... now I just go to work and back. Alot of years being depressed hiding inside. Sleep is the thing I like to do the most as I can escape reality for a while. My wife absolutely hates the fact I'm always sleeping. She doesn't understand.

Keep working at it, Heather!! You will get to where you want to be. My weight ballooned too as my depression pulled me deeper into the dysphoria. It's a constant battle to keep my weight where I want it - actually working to lose those 10 pounds I gained over the holidays - but taking it a bit at a time makes it seem manageable. We are here if you need us!!

[HeatherK]

Just now, April Marie said:

Keep working at it, Heather!! You will get to where you want to be. My weight ballooned too as my depression pulled me deeper into the dysphoria. It's a constant battle to keep my weight where I want it - actually working to lose those 10 pounds I gained over the holidays - but taking it a bit at a time makes it seem manageable. We are here if you need us!!

Thanks April Marie!! There's no scale in our house so I'm guessing I've probably lost 5lbs so far. My jeans definitely are looser fitting. So many cute outfits I want to wear but I'm so disgusted with my body atm..... time to change all that.

 I definitely found home with this forum. So many supportive members here! 

 

Hugs

Heather

[HeatherK]

Today was fairly stressful at work due to an argument with a 19 year old co-worker. Mind you I've been at this company for almost 19 years now. But this kid didn't want to listen to me. He was ultimately sent home for the remainder of the day.... anyway I've been stressed all day because of it.

 

So I got home about an hour ago and started to eat some bugels. My wife bought them for herself. She gets mad and tells me to put some in a bowl so I don't eat the entire bag. I tell her I'm stress eating. She looks at me funny like and says guys don't stress eat only women do. So I say back to her maybe I'm a woman. She says what are you going to do  pull a Bruce Jenner on me? I say what if I do? She says I'll leave you then. Then she called me weird and left the kitchen with the bag of bugels and goes into the living room.

I hear her talking to our cat Bella, let's stress eat some bugels together Bella...... lol

 

I say so you're mocking me? I tell her that's B.S.   I guess I know where I stand now. 

[HeatherK]

I ruined my diet this weekend.... back to it on Monday.

[HeatherK]

Been dealing with depression the last couple weeks. Fighting with my Wife hasn't helped me out any. Last night she said she wanted to move out..... which I'm absolutely fine with. I can finally start wearing the outfits I so desire to wear. 

 

Today I was supposed to see the Doctor to get blood work done to find out if I can get on HRT. I canceled the appointment due to not having a reliable enough vehicle to drive the 70 odd miles to Chicago. I had planned on using my Wife's vehicle. I took the entire week off to go to Chicago. My depression, my truck not starting half the time and the cold weather in the negatives I decided I'll wait for another time to get my blood work done. My 2nd therapy session is this Friday I might have to reschedule that too.  I feel like a failure.... 

[April Marie]

Just now, HeatherK said:

Been dealing with depression the last couple weeks. Fighting with my Wife hasn't helped me out any. Last night she said she wanted to move out..... which I'm absolutely fine with. I can finally start wearing the outfits I so desire to wear. 

 

Today I was supposed to see the Doctor to get blood work done to find out if I can get on HRT. I canceled the appointment due to not having a reliable enough vehicle to drive the 70 odd miles to Chicago. I had planned on using my Wife's vehicle. I took the entire week off to go to Chicago. My depression, my truck not starting half the time and the cold weather in the negatives I decided I'll wait for another time to get my blood work done. My 2nd therapy session is this Friday I might have to reschedule that too.  I feel like a failure.... 

Hang in there, Heather. Most of us have gone through similar ups and downs fueled, especially, by dysphoria and depression. I'm sorry that things aren't working out with your wife, but she also has to process the shock, too. Hopefully, things will work out where you can both be happy. In the end, though, you have to find your happiness.

 

Focus on one day, one event at a time. It can all seem overwhelming and full of difficulty at times....and then the heavens will open and shine on you. You can do this. You're not a failure. What you are doing isn't easy under any circumstances.

 

You've got this and we are here to lean on.

[HeatherK]

1 hour ago, April Marie said:

Hang in there, Heather. Most of us have gone through similar ups and downs fueled, especially, by dysphoria and depression. I'm sorry that things aren't working out with your wife, but she also has to process the shock, too. Hopefully, things will work out where you can both be happy. In the end, though, you have to find your happiness.

 

Focus on one day, one event at a time. It can all seem overwhelming and full of difficulty at times....and then the heavens will open and shine on you. You can do this. You're not a failure. What you are doing isn't easy under any circumstances.

 

You've got this and we are here to lean on.

Hi April Marie, I haven't told her that I'm a Transgender Woman yet. I  seriously doubt I will. I'm not sure whatever it is she's struggling with. I need to address this with my therapist next session. 

[HeatherK]

Thanks for the kind words April Marie

 

Hugs Heather

[Desert Fox]

Every time I read someone else's transition story, it reminds me of the hard road that transitioning genuinely is...one that cis people generally never understand. It seems the moments of euphoria, the times of finally feeling comfortable in one's own skin, mannerisms and outward appearance seem to pale in comparison to the losses one usually has: increased harassment, the cost of new clothes, makeup, hormones and surgeries, the losses of friends, relationships, marriages, jobs and careers; having to suffer a second puberty and literal growing pains; having to re-learn how to act, dress, and talk differently than how you grew up; worrying about violence, travel, ID and bathroom use....and the list goes on...and yet, we still transition because it is what our soul needs.

 

I feel for the road you have ahead of you. The political climate in the US now makes it particularly difficult to start transitioning, and you have a partner who clearly is not going to be supportive and likely will make this an even more painful process for you. Unlike you, I started my transition long ago, I just never completed it, nor was I out about it until I turned 50, but I have always been rather femme, could do makeup more or less and had an already pretty feminine body, voice and mannerisms, though I tried to keep those in check while presenting as a male. I was in a career with mostly women as well, and my partner was well-aware of the existence of my female side, but didn't permit me to express it. So yeah, you have some additional obstacles I never had, but the way your wife talks about transgender people is something I had to deal with too, with multiple people, and it was very painful.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by celebrating the process of transition rather than pushing to reach a destination. There is a lot of joyful moments along the way and there will be some really difficult ones. It took me a decade of being in a relationship that was increasingly miserable to be able to get fully out, and I lost relationships, friends, family, career and, thanks to the name change, pretty much all record of anything I ever accomplished. But I have the ability to start new, with a freedom I never had before, and build from there. It has been more difficult than I had imagined and I still suffer frequent depression, but my soul says it's the right choice.

 

I wish you much joy as you experiment, learn and become comfortable with your body and your life as it morphs into something new. If your child self could have seen your future self, they would have been completely amazed!

[Susan R]

Just now, Desert Fox said:

Every time I read someone else's transition story, it reminds me of the hard road that transitioning genuinely is...one that cis people generally never understand.

@Desert Fox Great points! Looking back on my journey, I realize I tend to focus more on the positives now. After reading these recent events of @HeatherK, it reminds me of all of the emotional turmoil and fear I also carried with me as well. During my first 56 years on this planet, I had never experienced anything quite as intense or involved as gender transition. It seems daunting just thinking about all the change. Having gone through it, I would do all over again today despite the political climate we have now entered in this country.

 

Heather, I very much enjoyed catching up with this thread and I wish you the best on this continuing journey. I know it’s hard but hidden deep you have all the answers you need to answer to the question about who you are. In time, your therapist may help you understand and accept yourself even better and help you see life with a new brighter perspective. Just know that society doesn’t dictate who we are..you do! I hope you experience some of the wonderful moments along the way as I did. Those moments will come and they’ll help carry you through some of the more difficult times. The community here has been so helpful to me especially when starting out trying to find my way. You’re in good company.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Mmindy]

On 2/5/2025 at 5:02 PM, HeatherK said:

Sleep is the thing I like to do the most as I can escape reality for a while. My wife absolutely hates the fact I'm always sleeping. She doesn't understand.

Good afternoon Heather.

 

I use naps as an escape too. I bet you would be surprised by the number of people who work at or utilize the granary and the support they would give you. I know several people who are transitioning in the trades Carpenter, Concrete truck driver, and a Welder. They do face criticism however they let their work speak for them and they show up every day. Is the granary a coop or larger facility with an active Human Resources department? Being a 19 year employee makes you a valuable asset, I don't think they would discard you without merit. Review the HR policies to identify where you and the company stand on DEI. Go slow and try not to be flamboyant with your transition. Allow your co-workers and customers to see you at your best, as you slide through the androgynous scale to the feminine. Take small steps as you and HRT grow comfortable with each other. Focus on the important things. Budget, employment, housing, food, utilities, transportation and mental health. These are a must, everything else is a convenience. Look to resale shops for personal clothing and if your workplace has a uniform, find ways to girl it up. You already said you have a hat with pink in it. your under garments or base layer can be expressive too. 

 

Be yourself on the inside before you spring it on the people in your life.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[HeatherK]

On 3/12/2025 at 4:59 PM, Mmindy said:

Good afternoon Heather.

 

I use naps as an escape too. I bet you would be surprised by the number of people who work at or utilize the granary and the support they would give you. I know several people who are transitioning in the trades Carpenter, Concrete truck driver, and a Welder. They do face criticism however they let their work speak for them and they show up every day. Is the granary a coop or larger facility with an active Human Resources department? Being a 19 year employee makes you a valuable asset, I don't think they would discard you without merit. Review the HR policies to identify where you and the company stand on DEI. Go slow and try not to be flamboyant with your transition. Allow your co-workers and customers to see you at your best, as you slide through the androgynous scale to the feminine. Take small steps as you and HRT grow comfortable with each other. Focus on the important things. Budget, employment, housing, food, utilities, transportation and mental health. These are a must, everything else is a convenience. Look to resale shops for personal clothing and if your workplace has a uniform, find ways to girl it up. You already said you have a hat with pink in it. your under garments or base layer can be expressive too. 

 

Be yourself on the inside before you spring it on the people in your life.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Hi Mindy, no it's not a CO-OP just a family owned business. I had to cancel my appointment in Chicago to see the Doctor about getting on HRT, my truck has been giving me problems and I didn't want to be stranded in Chicago. I'll make another appointment later on when my truck issues are fixed.

 

I doubt I'll ever come out while I'm still at this job, I can't bring myself to face these guys in that way. I'll stay in the closet for a little while longer. Not sure if my Wife and I will stay married as we seem to fight all the time. I'm getting tired of it, plus I want to date a guy or another Transgender woman.  At this moment I'm stuck. I've been toying with the idea of coming out to my Wife. I've given her so many clues and hints in the last few months, she can't be stupid to the idea that I'm not straight. 

 

 

 

 

[HeatherK]

On 3/11/2025 at 7:47 PM, Desert Fox said:

Every time I read someone else's transition story, it reminds me of the hard road that transitioning genuinely is...one that cis people generally never understand. It seems the moments of euphoria, the times of finally feeling comfortable in one's own skin, mannerisms and outward appearance seem to pale in comparison to the losses one usually has: increased harassment, the cost of new clothes, makeup, hormones and surgeries, the losses of friends, relationships, marriages, jobs and careers; having to suffer a second puberty and literal growing pains; having to re-learn how to act, dress, and talk differently than how you grew up; worrying about violence, travel, ID and bathroom use....and the list goes on...and yet, we still transition because it is what our soul needs.

 

I feel for the road you have ahead of you. The political climate in the US now makes it particularly difficult to start transitioning, and you have a partner who clearly is not going to be supportive and likely will make this an even more painful process for you. Unlike you, I started my transition long ago, I just never completed it, nor was I out about it until I turned 50, but I have always been rather femme, could do makeup more or less and had an already pretty feminine body, voice and mannerisms, though I tried to keep those in check while presenting as a male. I was in a career with mostly women as well, and my partner was well-aware of the existence of my female side, but didn't permit me to express it. So yeah, you have some additional obstacles I never had, but the way your wife talks about transgender people is something I had to deal with too, with multiple people, and it was very painful.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by celebrating the process of transition rather than pushing to reach a destination. There is a lot of joyful moments along the way and there will be some really difficult ones. It took me a decade of being in a relationship that was increasingly miserable to be able to get fully out, and I lost relationships, friends, family, career and, thanks to the name change, pretty much all record of anything I ever accomplished. But I have the ability to start new, with a freedom I never had before, and build from there. It has been more difficult than I had imagined and I still suffer frequent depression, but my soul says it's the right choice.

 

I wish you much joy as you experiment, learn and become comfortable with your body and your life as it morphs into something new. If your child self could have seen your future self, they would have been completely amazed!

Thank you for your kind words

[HeatherK]

On 3/11/2025 at 10:36 PM, Susan R said:

@Desert Fox Great points! Looking back on my journey, I realize I tend to focus more on the positives now. After reading these recent events of @HeatherK, it reminds me of all of the emotional turmoil and fear I also carried with me as well. During my first 56 years on this planet, I had never experienced anything quite as intense or involved as gender transition. It seems daunting just thinking about all the change. Having gone through it, I would do all over again today despite the political climate we have now entered in this country.

 

Heather, I very much enjoyed catching up with this thread and I wish you the best on this continuing journey. I know it’s hard but hidden deep you have all the answers you need to answer to the question about who you are. In time, your therapist may help you understand and accept yourself even better and help you see life with a new brighter perspective. Just know that society doesn’t dictate who we are..you do! I hope you experience some of the wonderful moments along the way as I did. Those moments will come and they’ll help carry you through some of the more difficult times. The community here has been so helpful to me especially when starting out trying to find my way. You’re in good company.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Thank you, I unfortunately had to cancel both my appointment with my therapist and going to Chicago to see if I can start taking HRT. My old 95 Ford has been giving me problems and at the moment I don't dare drive it more than to work and back, providing it even starts. It is at work at the moment dead in the water. Getting it up and running is my priority at the moment. 

[HeatherK]

I haven't been too active here lately. Just been in a funk In my personal life. I'm still carrying my purple comb in my back pocket. I don't see too many people carrying combs in their pockets these days. I'm still growing my hair long, I'm going on a year last time I've had it cut. I have a beard again, that's my way of hiding that I'm different. 

 

I came home the other day and found a box at the front door of our house. It had my name on the shipping label, I didn't order anything. I figured my Wife ordered something and used my Ebay account to purchase the contents of the box. I used the fact that my name is on the box to open it to see what's inside. MAKEUP!!!! My Wife ordered a bunch if makeup for herself. So when she got home I told her I have a bunch of makeup. Of course she told me it's hers, I said since it has my name on the box she should put some on me. She said she would, but never did and when I asked her a couple times when is she going to do it, she just called me gay jokingly.

 

I really need to buy some women's clothing so I can secretly wear then when she's not around. 

[Samantha83]

my therapist suggested womens underwear - I have done it before whilst out in public and was scared but she said as long as you are careful there is no way anyone would know. I also have some shorts and tshirts which are female ones but wouldn't notice unless you knew the brand.

I have also started a face routine to try and salvage my skin - nobody would pick up on that. I went into the local mecca store and terrified asked for some face cream (btw I look very male, 6', broad, muscled but with a dose of fat around the middle). She asked for a gift or for me? She was very helpful - and said many guys use the cream, clenser and other thing (i'm working on remembering the names). I think she just thought I was trying to look after my skin, not transitioning but I wasn't going to correct her as scared as I was at this time. Confidence will come  with time I hope.

It sucks that your wife is being difficult. I only last night confirmed that I am starting to become female, she has known for a while that I wanted to be a girl but kept saying I can't. She used to make comments about how I wouldn't understand because your not a girl, etc. But she was very understanding last night.

Try to keep your head up. I'm sure most if not all of us have gone through some tough times, so we understand it can be very hard to be positive.

 

[Heather Shay]

Keep going. Each day will get easier. @Samantha83 I'm glad your wife is starting to go through her journey to acceptance. It is difficult for CIS women as they are new to this and be compassionate and loving towards her and give her time. It will pay dividends.

My own spouse of 30 years took a long time to adjust and I nearly lost her, now she is my strongest ally.

Hugs.

[April Marie]

I can't agree more with Heather @Samantha83. It took a while for my wife to understand how a simple thing like wearing women's underwear can help quell dysphoria and make us feel good about ourselves. It was just a normal thing to her but over time she grew to understand how things like that are key to our transition, to our ability to control the dysphoria.

 

Give her time. Like Heather's, my wife is my biggest supporter now.

 

I found that switching to women's high cut briefs worked well for me. They don't scream "women's underpants!" and I've worn them to medical appointments while in my androgynous mode where I had to strip down. I just watch what colors I wear when I do. Black and Navy easily go undetected. My wife normally wears the same style so when were folding wash we have to look at the size so we don't end up with each other's panties. lol

[Heather Shay]

PS I love the name Heather and am glad you chose it as well. I won't give my dead name - but I am always curious as to how you arrived at Heather. I always loved the name and no one in my family or friends had it.

[HeatherK]

On 4/5/2025 at 10:20 AM, Heather Shay said:

PS I love the name Heather and am glad you chose it as well. I won't give my dead name - but I am always curious as to how you arrived at Heather. I always loved the name and no one in my family or friends had it.

I love the names Heather and Kelley so it was an easy decision to pick them for my name. 

[HeatherK]

Been a while since I've been here. I have been suppressing my feminine feelings for a month or so now. Let my beard grow more, but I'm still growing my hair long. My wife badly wants to cut it. I'm not letting her touch it. It's been 30 years since I've had long hair probably. 

 

Another argument this past weekend that resulted in my Wife telling me I should date men and be gay. She then sent me pics of nude men she found on the internet to me. Of course I acted like the pics disgusted me, they didn't though. Tired of fighting. Truthfully we should go our separate ways. 

[Samantha83]

Who you are isn't a choice, what you do about it you have some control over.

I had been suppressing that side for most of my life. It actually was a major part in having a breakdown. It was going through the therapy for extreme anxiety/depression that I was able to start. Whilst the journey ahead will be difficult if I don't do this I will only get worse.

Whilst my partner isn't too happy with it, (I get some comments but not too bad) she is no where like yours and is partially supportive.

How far and how quickly are also things you can have a say in. Starting hormones, taking care of your skin/nails. Whilst partners need a time to grieve who they have lost - it does seem like she is acting out - maybe some time apart?

A good counsellor/therapist/pysch can be a game changer. Maybe couples therapy with the wife if you wanted to try and save your relationship.

Also my psych said I had to be prepared to lose people including my partner - but people overall people are more accepting than I thought (I'm very worst case scenario thinking)