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My journey, as I am within so shall I be.


Centered_Self89

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Hi! I'm Bella, I am pre-transition MtF and working towards the future. Getting here has not been easy, with more adversity yet to come, but I finally see that I am strong enough. I intend this to be a sort of diary, and eventually, a celebration. 

 

Now, where to start? How about a hot mess? lol

 

Well, I wasn't always happy. I don't like talking about the bad times so I'll give the short of it.

 

For a long time I was doing things because it was what I was supposed to do. I dated women ill suited to me, had no idea what to do in a relationship, so I neglected myself and nurtured them, got taken for granted, got depressed and self destructive, and then they would leave so that I could attempt self end, lose nerve or just fail, wait a couple of years and do the same thing again in a different relationship. Men, women, narcissists, secretly married lovers, abusers, freeloaders and exploiters. Almost twenty years of this. 

 

Things came to a head a few years ago when I sabotaged my life and made an attempt to end things that was very nearly successful. My life was in ruins, my friends were leading me on, they rug pulled me after I confided in them, my family all but told me they didn't care about me. (That passive aggressiveness that people do where they don't come out and say what they mean so that if they're asked they don't have to lie or seem like a bad person. Plausible deniability is a coward's bread and butter, and my "friend group" and family has plenty of cowards.) 

 

Anyway, hot mess cont'd.

 

I then handled things the completely wrong way. I did not take time off, I tried, but had to move back home and dealing with that shame along with failing self end yet again, and the pressure to get a job and "get back out there" got to me and so I got another job. I cannot stress this enough, take time for you if you need it. Damned be what the world thinks, you're important and what you need matters. So yeah, I got another job and immediately lost control again. I came out before I was ready and in the wrong environment. I was drinking harder than ever, smoking more than a pack a day, doing what drugs I could get. I wanted out of my head so bad I lived for it, spending money as fast as I was getting it, needless impulse purchases... I was so sick that people could pick up on it from afar while I was deaf to it. Their reactions fueled my spiral. I was the chaos of l'appel du vide.

 

Years went by, eventually all I felt was anger and joy. Those flashes from embers that come from too long depressed and desperate. Finally, I hit bottom. Or rather, acknowledged that I was already at bottom. Unfiltered self reflection without ego is a difficult process, it is not pleasant, but this is how we stand back up. I made one more attempt that landed me in the hospital. I quit drinking and drugs while I was there. Talked to some turds from AA doing a whole "good cop/ bad cop" routine, decided to go it alone. I don't recommend that, if you want to quit alcohol, go to an environment that is safe and conducive to your recovery, this is just what I decided to do and it's definitely not for everybody. Got out and into rehab, quit rehab bc yeah. managed to move back home once more.  Still didn't take time for me, got into a relationship and got another job because hot messes are not complete without actually being one, left that relationship and lost the job once more.

 

Finally I took the time to think. I quit smoking/ nicotine, was still alcohol free, was still off drugs, I finally took the time I needed. I was tired but I couldn't sleep. I'd stay awake for days, when I went out the world beat on me. The world was telling me "do this, do that" but could never tell me why. Eventually I started thinking. And then I even did THAT wrong. I directed it outward instead of looking in at myself for what I am. It was time to fail again, and fail I did. I made sure.

 

This last time was different, I looked at myself, realized some hard facts and looked at myself, my beautiful self, for the first time. 

 

I loved it. I nurtured myself for once. I took some time to find a few of the things I found out that I love. I found a few beautiful things about life. I started appreciating the small, seemingly insignificant niceties that people do: A wave here, a smile there, that kind of thing. I had things to cope with, and did my best. I got into college, and am working toward building a life. The road is long, but I'm good for it. I count myself lucky to be here, let alone with life as good as I have it now. Those who have been through it know.

 

It is lovely to be here.

 

 

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Just now, Centered_Self89 said:

Those who have been through it know.

 

It is lovely to be here.

 

I've been there, and I know exactly how it feels. It truly is a lovely place to be.

 

Welcome to the forums, Bella!

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Bella!! Welcome to TGP. I, of course, am biased, but I think it IS a lovely place filled with lovely people that you have found. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We know that it isn't always easy to open up, to bare the wounds and scars but getting them out into the open can help shed them.

 

Many, if not most, of us can see some of our own stories in yours. We are each unique yet also share many things in experiences and feelings. One of the things that helped me, and others here, has been working with a gender-qualified therapist. A therapist can help both in finding peace with your past but also help in assisting you to discover your true self and chart a way forward.

 

For me, my therapist and the amazing people here helped me to find my way out of the hole of depression and self-destruction and into the light of happiness. Of course, our paths are not always smooth and carefree, but having someone trusted to talk to will help you find perspective and....your true self. 

 

Feel free to wander around, to ask questions and to jump into conversations where you feel comfortable.

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Hi Bella and welcome,

                I am sure you will be able to find lots of friendly people on here as well as a wealth of information. It is lovely to hear that you are starting to explore your options

huggs kat

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  • Forum Moderator

Bella thanks for expanding on a portion of the struggles and pain you've already endurred. I too gave up alcohol and smoking and even caffeine. I too have endurred many trials and tribulations in my life and can at least enpathize with you, my life isn't yours but your trials show a kindred soul and I want to hug you tightly and say that - yes - the journey is difficult, but so worth it, as you are indeed a special person to be given these trials. You will be able to share your love and talents more fully and lovingly, making a difference in this world. Thank you for being here and anytime you jhave questions either post for full community or if you aren't comfortable with that, I am here and you can message me anytime.

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Just now, April Marie said:

Hi, Bella!! Welcome to TGP. I, of course, am biased, but I think it IS a lovely place filled with lovely people that you have found. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We know that it isn't always easy to open up, to bare the wounds and scars but getting them out into the open can help shed them.

 

Many, if not most, of us can see some of our own stories in yours. We are each unique yet also share many things in experiences and feelings. One of the things that helped me, and others here, has been working with a gender-qualified therapist. A therapist can help both in finding peace with your past but also help in assisting you to discover your true self and chart a way forward.

 

For me, my therapist and the amazing people here helped me to find my way out of the hole of depression and self-destruction and into the light of happiness. Of course, our paths are not always smooth and carefree, but having someone trusted to talk to will help you find perspective and....your true self. 

 

Feel free to wander around, to ask questions and to jump into conversations where you feel comfortable.

Thank you! I have a lot of reading to do, I'm so excited to see and hear other people's journeys! I'm currently looking for a therapist, but life being what it is I don't have the resources right now. I'm looking for local things, more will come Soon though!

Just now, Heather Shay said:

Bella thanks for expanding on a portion of the struggles and pain you've already endurred. I too gave up alcohol and smoking and even caffeine. I too have endurred many trials and tribulations in my life and can at least enpathize with you, my life isn't yours but your trials show a kindred soul and I want to hug you tightly and say that - yes - the journey is difficult, but so worth it, as you are indeed a special person to be given these trials. You will be able to share your love and talents more fully and lovingly, making a difference in this world. Thank you for being here and anytime you jhave questions either post for full community or if you aren't comfortable with that, I am here and you can message me anytime.

Thank you! Is your story posted? I'd love to listen, (or read rather), I can already tell I haven't been alone I just haven't been able to see. This is a beautiful place with beautiful people all working to be themselves! It's great!

Just now, kat2 said:

Hi Bella and welcome,

                I am sure you will be able to find lots of friendly people on here as well as a wealth of information. It is lovely to hear that you are starting to explore your options

huggs kat

41 minutes ago, Nats said:

@Centered_Self89 Welcome!  Thanks for sharing your story.

1 hour ago, Lilis said:

 

I've been there, and I know exactly how it feels. It truly is a lovely place to be.

 

Welcome to the forums, Bella!

I have SO MUCH reading to do! I'd hoped it wasn't too long, one of the hardest things was learning that I count too. Thank you! It's great to meet you all! 

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  • Forum Moderator

Bella, when you do have the resources, don't just limit your search for a therapist to a local person. I found mine through and online service and have worked with her exclusively through a Zoom-like online platform. Some therapists wil also discount their rates for people with limited resources.

 

In any case, we're here to lend a shoulder if you need us.

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Hi Bella, welcome!! I too have recently decided that I've had enough hiding from my true self. I too went through a very destructive time with drugs and alcohol. I'm so glad I left all that junk behind about 20 years ago. Like you, I have soooo much to learn about me and how to become me. I'm looking forward for wonderful results. Sounds like you are finally seeing some positives in your life! Keep your head up, you got this!

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Just now, HeatherK said:

Hi Bella, welcome!! I too have recently decided that I've had enough hiding from my true self. I too went through a very destructive time with drugs and alcohol. I'm so glad I left all that junk behind about 20 years ago. Like you, I have soooo much to learn about me and how to become me. I'm looking forward for wonderful results. Sounds like you are finally seeing some positives in your life! Keep your head up, you got this!

Thank you so much! Yes I have lots to learn and more growing to do, and yes, I have much to be grateful for. But you are right, I've got this! 

 

Just now, April Marie said:

Bella, when you do have the resources, don't just limit your search for a therapist to a local person. I found mine through and online service and have worked with her exclusively through a Zoom-like online platform. Some therapists wil also discount their rates for people with limited resources.

 

In any case, we're here to lend a shoulder if you need us.

I'm so glad to have found this place! Thank you very much! I'll start browsing the forums!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Small update, I got a "B" on the work portion of my midterm, now comes the written part. I'm just glad i passed.

 

I applied for state benefits to start my transition, internet says within 45 days or so i will know if I qualify, after that i can find a therapist and counsellor. If i don't I'll figure it out.

 

Started journaling thanks to the post @Heather Shay made about emotional intelligence, top notch, i wish i started it years ago.

 

Have a wonderful day!

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Just now, Centered_Self89 said:

Small update, I got a "B" on the work portion of my midterm, now comes the written part. I'm just glad i passed.

 

I applied for state benefits to start my transition, internet says within 45 days or so i will know if I qualify, after that i can find a therapist and counsellor. If i don't I'll figure it out.

 

Started journaling thanks to the post @Heather Shay made about emotional intelligence, top notch, i wish i started it years ago.

 

Have a wonderful day!

Congrats keep up the good work!! I had my 1st therapy session last Friday, it went very well. Next session is in 3 weeks. I also made an appointment for a health checkup to see if I qualify for HRT in a few weeks. Baby steps!!!!

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Just now, HeatherK said:

Congrats keep up the good work!! I had my 1st therapy session last Friday, it went very well. Next session is in 3 weeks. I also made an appointment for a health checkup to see if I qualify for HRT in a few weeks. Baby steps!!!!

Thank you, and congrats to you! Best of luck with your checkup, I need to put on of those together as well!

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  • Forum Moderator
14 hours ago, Centered_Self89 said:

Small update, I got a "B" on the work portion of my midterm, now comes the written part. I'm just glad i passed.

 

I applied for state benefits to start my transition, internet says within 45 days or so i will know if I qualify, after that i can find a therapist and counsellor. If i don't I'll figure it out.

 

Started journaling thanks to the post @Heather Shay made about emotional intelligence, top notch, i wish i started it years ago.

 

Have a wonderful day!

SO GLAD SOMETHING I SAID HELPED YOU. HUGS - Heather

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2 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

SO GLAD SOMETHING I SAID HELPED YOU. HUGS - Heather

It's the majority of what I've been doing lol I had so much noise in my head i tried to scream to get over it all. Now i can put it in the journal and it helps. Thank you so much! 

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  • Forum Moderator

Our journeys are hard. That is for share. Be proud of any step forward. I'm glad some things I mention help. Thank you in return because you moving ahead helps me so much as well. I receive many gifts from you knowing you are working on being the true you and that is incredibly courageuous of you. You are incredibly brave. THANK YOU,

Hugs

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Yes they do help! I get nervous, and i see how strong people are here and it gives me strength. I'm glad to be able to help you back, that's what i want to do most, even when i really can't. I'll be here as long as there's a place for me. The real me is a work in progress lol but I'm glad to add to that strength here. Thank you

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  • Forum Moderator
Just now, Centered_Self89 said:

Yes they do help! I get nervous, and i see how strong people are here and it gives me strength. I'm glad to be able to help you back, that's what i want to do most, even when i really can't. I'll be here as long as there's a place for me. The real me is a work in progress lol but I'm glad to add to that strength here. Thank you

There will always be a place for you here. We help each other in many ways: through our actions, in our words, through our example or just by acknowledging each other. We are all works in progress and seeing each other's gains, even seemingly small ones, are inspirational. Each step along the spectrum of transition is a step into the unknown. It takes courage and inspires the rest of us. 

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Just now, April Marie said:

There will always be a place for you here. We help each other in many ways: through our actions, in our words, through our example or just by acknowledging each other. We are all works in progress and seeing each other's gains, even seemingly small ones, are inspirational. Each step along the spectrum of transition is a step into the unknown. It takes courage and inspires the rest of us. 

Yes! I agree very much. Everybody is inspiring, I read and watch and look at myself and find more reason to come back. Sometimes it's those small like ordinary things that hit hardest, too. In the good way i mean. Sometimes those reflect a lot.  

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