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  1. My younger child, now 17 has been transgender (female to male) for 4 years now. He's on "T". Now my older child who is 18 and in college just told me they are transgender as well (male to female). They said he is going to start Estrogen. Since he's 18 he does not need any help from us. He's going to start next weekend. He's only been "out" for a week to us, but says he's been living as a female at college for the past few months. (Trying to say "they", but he's still a he to me.) We support them both and say all the right things, but it's really have to deal with in my head. I don't understand it. Anyone else in this boat?
  2. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  3. Okay, so this is my first time ever doing this... I'm just in search of advice and answers to my millions of questions, scratch that, BILLIONS of questions that can't be answered by textbook definitions, and also friends.. I'm 20 years old and I realized lately that my childhood was not as common as I thought. A vey big part of growing up was surrounded by "phases", as my parents would call it, but I only realize now that I may just be different. I learnt that sexual orientation and identity is very different, things that in my home town we had no education what so ever on, and that completely changed my perspective of my own life. I've always struggled with depression and major anxiety, basically because I never liked my own body because I kept thinking I wasn't beautiful or too fat.. my body parts grossed me out and scared me as in a way someone with coulrophobia see's a clown and is scared -clean bathroom- (fun fact, I am terrified of clowns!). Anyways back to the real story, recently I've been through alot of challenging times, a break up with my boyfriend (with whom I loved for 3 years) and I was forced to come out as transgender to my mother and she did not take it well, family is a very important key of my life, and someone might have ruined it for me cause he told her I was hiding something... did i mention by force !...I was not ready what so ever to tell her, heck im not even sure 100% if this is the trail I want to adventure in, but im like at a safe 99,8% sure this is what I need to be completely free and happy. I have a few friends that knows about me, but not much because from where I am from, people like me are judged and classified as inhuman... It breaks my heart to even think of jugement that could involve myself.. Anyways, thats a brief paragraphe of my wonderful life at the moment, and i guess am in search of some comfort and support. Maybe even a few friends that know how I am feeling looking upon my situation. So yah, thanks for listening ! XD
  4. Firstly, I'd like to say hello. I'm an anxious, rather shy person. I've fallen from a distant star into this alien body. Feminine all my life now I'm transitioning as fast as I can. I'm a mature transsexual lady, a late bloomer. I am a client of government funded gender clinic in Melbourne, Australia. I also have gender affirming medical treatment at several other clinics and hospitals. I commenced HRT in August 2017 and had bilateral orchiectomy in August 2018. I'm scheduled for tracheal shave in October 2019. Thanks for allowing me to join Trans Pulse. I hope I can contribute in some way. I'm always looking for more discussion and information related to transgender subjects. I'd like to connect with others in the trans community.
  5. Stephi

    Too old to transition?

    Good morning. My name is Stephani and just recently joined TransPulse Forums. I introduced myself in the newcomers section so I won't repeat myself, but I do have a very serious question to put out there. I'm sure it's been answered before: When is it (realistically ) too late to transition? I have struggled with gender dysphoria since the age of 4. Over the years I have endured ridicule, scorn, and rejection. I have been beaten an abused several times earlier in life when I asserted my feminine persona. Eventually I would emotionally suppress my intense desire to transition. Finally, in my early 50's, I resolved to get gender counseling and therapy to address my transsexuality. At long last I was set to begin HRT, but on the very day I was to start, a phone call from my primary care physician indicated that I had cancer. 9 years later I am cancer-free after several bouts. But I am almost 60 (May 4, 1959) and in the recent years my body image has gone from bad to worse. My wife and son were incredible supports during my illness and I don't want to disrupt their lives any more than I have I'm not sure what to do. Do I just resign myself to unfortunate fate, or do I move forward? Thanks for reading, and thanks for responding if you care to do so, ❤️
  6. JohnniGyrl

    Ye Cannae Wear Yer Sister's Claes

    [Note: This is in Scots dialect - Claes = Clothes / Cannae = Cannot / Toon = Town / Tae = To / Metter = Matter / Disnae = Doesn't ] YE CANNAE WEAR YER SISTER'S CLAES Ye cannae wear yer sister's claes, D'ye want the whole toon tae think yer gay? Disnae metter if ye just like silk and lace, Ye just cannae wear yer sister's claes - Yer sister and her pals wear make-up and stuff, Skimpy tops, jewellery and silly wee skirts, Silk stockings, heels and lacy trim cuffs, You'd love to look that pretty, is that asking too much? She looks so sweet, dressed up in a frock, You'd love to wear one tae, but people would mock, They'd slander ye daft wi' their gossip and talk, And if they could, throw ye right in the dock - The judge in his chair with a big wig and gown, Would hear the prosecution with a bluidy deep frown, Of how ye became, the talk o' the town, "That's enough o' that son, you're going down!" You could deal drugs and that would be okay, Get done fir drunk driving and come what may, You'll be forgiven fir 'aw that, one of these days, But ye just cannae wear yer sister's claes! (c) Me
  7. JohnniGyrl

    Newbie Here

    Hi Y'all, newbie here. I'm m2f transgender, in the early stages of transition. I'm taking it slow, one step at a time, it's all good. Hope to make new friends here & discuss a multitude of things while we go. Stay beautiful 😉 xx
  8. JohnniGyrl

    THE WOMAN WITHIN

    THE WOMAN WITHIN The woman within is waking up, She's been asleep too long - The woman within is wide awake, Whether she's right or wrong - The woman within is waking up, Long memories remain - The woman within is wide awake, She's broke the locks and chains - The woman within is all dressed up, And sees her own true self - The woman within looks gorgeous now, In fine spirit and good health - The woman within yearns to be free, She's a sister and mother too - The woman within is not a freak, She's just like me and you - The woman within is breaking out, She grows stronger by the day - The woman within is only love, She'll show you come what may ... (C) me
  9. KimberleeBee

    Hi! I'm new to this site.

    Hello. My name I go by is Kimberlee or Kim but not legally yet. I hope to get it changed in the new year. I've been on hrt for 2.5 years. I love dressing girly but it's not practical in my line of work so I just settle for a pink hard hat and pink safety vest. I dress fem on weekends or if I have to go out on a weekday evening. I thought it was going to be rough being a transgendered woman in a male dominated trade but I am accepted and treated very well. (At least to my face) I wish I was able to transition way earlier in my life but better late than never 😁
  10. Stephi

    Cautionary Tale

    Hello guys and gurls! My preferred name is Stephani and I am a transgender lady who was mistakenly and tragically labeled a boy at birth. Sadly, 59 years later, I am still struggling to escape the bondage of my birth certificate. I am the product of a uber-strict Italian Catholic family which trafficked in guilt and shame with wild abandon. My upbringing was insanely marked by unbending rules and never-ending criticism. By the age of four I knew that something was just not right. I was bored with the trucks and footballs and instead wanted to play with teacups and dollies. Of course, his did not sit well with my parents who would spank me every time I reached for a so-called girl toy or whined that I wanted to be a girl. Bathed in blue, I was also about pink. My parents punished me for anything I did that was remotely feminine. When I was 9, my gender dysphoria was overwhelming and I was fully aware that I was in the wrong body. (So cliche, right?) Back in the 60's there was very little support for transgender issues and so many of us were hauled off to psychiatrists for treatment. I was given a fairly harsh medicine that made me tremble in the hopes that the "psychotic" thinking would be suppressed. Needless to say, the drug didn't work and when I was 11, I tried awkwardly and unsuccessfully to cut off my penis. This led to a psychiatric hospitalization in a facility where I was surrounded by a very scary bunch of schizophrenics, sociopaths, and hopelessly depressed. Eventually I was discharged and I learned to pretend to be "normal." A few months after my stint in the hospital, my parents went out for their wedding anniversary and left me for the first time without a babysitter. I had always been enamored with a fur cape that hung in my mother's closet and so I immediately tried it on. Didn't look so great with the boy clothes I was wearing and so I stripped naked and admired myself in the mirror. The cool, luxurious care of the silky lining and the softness of the fur was exhilarating. As I gazed into the looking glass, the reflection of my feminine self was amazing. At about that time, I was also having a great deal of sexual confusion and I found myself turned on by guys as well as girls. Unfortunately puberty also brought with it a medical condition known as gynecomastia--the development of small, fleshy, but very rounded breasts. Inside, I felt this was a confirmation of what I already knew--I was a girl. But outside, I endured a whole new level of ridicule, bullying and fear. Gym class and the obligatory shower afterwards was a nightmare. I was teased constantly by the boy at my all-male Catholic (of course) high school). The incessant torment, however, turned violent one afternoon when a group of seniors dragged me behind a shed on the grounds of the high school and brutally took turns raping and sodomizing me. Apparently at least one of the boys knew that I had given a couple of blow jobs to a friend and so they tried to shame me for my homosexuality by homosexually abusing me--teenaged logic, I guess. This episode led to an injury that you might imagine, but there was no one safe to talk too. Besides, the guilt and shame was overwhelming and I naively believed that I had done something to warrant being attacked. So after cleaning up and tending to my wounds by myself, I tried t mask the physical and emotional pain by making a resolution that I would o everything in my power to be a straight, manly man. To do this, I began having hetero sex with any girl I could find. Despite my plan, the dysphoria and pain persisted and I made my first attempt to end my life at 15. At 16, while working at an upscale department store, I began a friendship and then a sexual relationship with a woman in her 30's. Beyond the bedroom, though, she broadened my horizon and introduced the concept of bisexuality. she took me to my first gay bar and passed me around to a few of her drag queen friends who were absolutely the best. I was mesmerized by the beautiful clothing and exotic makeup. Ultimately I began dressing and sublimating some of my transgender issues. but there was still the issue of my body image and dysphoria. Throughout college and graduate school, I remained depressed and hopeless. I tried everything to quell my feelings of gender mis-match. I went the route of drugs and alcohol, sexual promiscuity, crossdressing, etc. I even spent time as a transvestite hooker in Baltimore when I was in grad school. Sadly, AIDS took centerstage in the gay community and I desperately wanted to escape my destiny. I suppressed, suppressed, suppressed. I denied my true self. I tried to act straight and "normal" best I could. Fast forward to 1993. The unthinkable happened as my girlfriend at the time got pregnant. My son that would be born is definitely my greatest accomplishment to date. I love him desperately and so my now-wife and I decided to stay together to raise him. But our marriage is a sham and continues for the sake of convenience and finances. I confess that I am not monogamous and I regret to report that my wife has since become a bible-thumping Christian. Judgmental and condescending, she despises everything about me and what she calls my demonic possession. When my son went off to college, it was my time to escape. Having gone through all the requisite counseling and medical screening, I was all set to begin hormone replacement therapy. In September of 2011my primary care physician called me into his office. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with cancer for the first of three times. HRT would be put on hold. To her credit, my wife has stood by me through my illnesses. I will always respect her for that. But here I am. Almost 60. Still very much feeling trapped without much hope for a successful MtF transition. I would love to move forward but I am paralyzed by doubt and fear. I'm here today to support and encourage others to pursue their true identities. Follow your hear, your dreams, and your destiny. Don't make my fatal mistake. I love you all. Sorry for rambling.
  11. So I am a female assigned at birth, 15 years old in a month. For the past month or even past half year, I don't know if even more(?) I've been questioning my gender identity a lot. I do feel like I'm not a female, but then I have so many thoughts about being trans maybe and what if not... Because all the trans people I've heard about always knew from a little age that they're not the gender they were born and all this stuff. But I'm not like this, I don't think so at least? I can say I'm pretty feminine and I've never questioned much anything but my sexuality. But from another pov, my mom always made decisions for me from the moment I was born till around age 10 I guess? So to my point... I do find myself fantasizing about how my life would be if I was a male from birth and such and I a lot if times wish that I was male born and not a female. Another thing I've read is that you have to have disphorya in order to be trans. I'm not sure if I'm much disphoric but as much as I keep questioning my gender I find myself less comfortable with how my body is. And I've did so much research about everything and tried to imagine what it would be like if everyone would refer to me as he/him and for example if I had male parts and it actually feels nice to think of it kinda... I'm so confused and everything and it's making me frustrated and like something is wrong with me. Because if I am trans, what if I'm not "trans enough" and it's all just dumb thoughts... I could really use some advice on that because I feel so lost. Thanks to anyone who will help ❤️
  12. Hey friends, I'm relatively at the beginning of my transition and I'm moving to Michigan in less than 6 months. I was born in California and have lived here my whole life and am apprehensive about trans life in Michigan only because it's obviously more open in California (I mean come on im an hour and a half drive to LA) I just want to make bigger steps in my transition when I move and I just want to know if there is anyone I can private message who has transitioned in Michigan? I really really could use this help. Thank you! -Trevor
  13. cassian

    Transguy in the South

    Greetings everyone, My name is Cassian and I use he/him or they/them pronouns. I'm a nonbinary transguy who was assigned female at birth. Even though I've known for about five years that I am definitely not cisgender, I'm still experimenting with and figuring out labels. When I first came out, I came out a genderfluid person who used exclusively they/them pronouns. While I totally think this gender identity is valid (and same goes to the exclusive use of they/them pronouns), I think that when I first started using this label, I used it as a way to deal with still expressing myself in a traditionally feminine way. I was nowhere near being able to come out, had long hair, didn't own a binder, and went to a Catholic school where I was required to wear a skirt every day. I think part of the reason I chose that label back then was to feel valid even if I was dressing in a feminine way. Now, I think that label may still fit, but I've changed a lot in five years. I've come out to my family and at school. I use my name and pronouns at school and at home, own two binders, own a packer, and dress in a traditionally masculine or neutral way. This has given me the chance to think about my gender and how I feel without worrying so much about not feeling valid. My gender does feel fluid. But it fluctuates differently than how I defined it a few years ago. Due in part to a poor explanation of genderfluidity and to cisnormity, I felt that my gender had to fluctuate between three things: completely masculine, completely neutral, and completely feminine. Now, I realise that fluctuations between completely masculine, completely neutral, mostly neutral with some feminine feelings, and anything in between allows me to use the term genderfluid and still feel valid. So that's my identity, I guess. I do believe that I'm genderfluid, but the terms genderfluid boy or nonbinary boy make me feel the most comfortable. For the most part, my coming out experience has been fine. I've had wonderful, supportive, and loving friends and an amazing and understanding boyfriend. My family now uses the correct name and he/him pronouns, but still makes comments they really shouldn't. Coming out to them was a process, to say the least. My biggest problem now is actually physically transitioning. I've cut my hair, changed my wardrobe, bought binders and packers, and done about all I can do without any medical transitioning. And I do want to transition. I want to start T and eventually get top surgery as well as legally change my name and gender marker. Living in the south makes that hard though. Resources are slim and far away. Plus, my mom won't let me start T, even if I can pay for it myself. I "don't deserve it." Right now, I'm kind of stuck. I want to further my transition, but there isn't much I can do right now.
  14. Aro

    Dark thoughts

    Just to start off no, im not about to kill myself here and now. Im just fine right now i havent even self harmed but this year ive been having thoughts. I guess i've allways been depressed and kinda hate myself and three years of isolation has not been good for mental state but i am getting concerned. I dont think i'd off and do it now but more and more suicide has been to me a feasable option. Like a kind of plan c and im scared that eventually it might go up to plan a if anything goes wrong. I've thought about nooses, even tested what it'd feel like by strangling myself with a piece of rope until i could hardly breathe and my head felt like it was gonna explode before letting go. I dont know how to handle these thoughts either. My family is having a rough time and i dont want to bring up my mental problems and have them worried on it and if i told my therapist i know she'd want to tell my mother and i dont want that either but i have to stop it somehow. I've never had this many dark thoughts and before they never scared me just felt like healthy what if statements where i would wonder what would happen if i did not how i could do it but now im worried i might do it and that the only reason i havent is because i dont want to scare my family by them walking in on my body but if i were living on my own somewhere i think that maybe i would or at the very least i might find it a lot more feasable than now. What should i do?
  15. As i lean back waiting on my sisters to finish their ten hour salon session listening to the chirps of crickets and feeling anxious about what i thought to be a dead roach not being on the floor where i last saw it right now, i can only think one thing. What a weird -censored- day. Today started actually okay. I woke up early and felt fresh, i mean i didnt get up straight away but baby steps y'know. I eventually had my typical fatherly instinct of having a deep fear burned within me as i realized my pet beetle might be drowning its it's centimeter dish of water or worse, stuck on it's back! She wasnt, she was fine but i felt good to know i managed to keep this weird little girl alive for so long. After staring at her teraniam for a moment i decided to clean up the mess which was desperately trying to bind inappropriately at twelve am where i, and i do not advise you to try, : had bruising and extreme hardships breathing after thirty seconds, used a pair of short shorts to wrap around my chest. You see my hypothesis was that jeans are kinda stretchy so i supposed i'd breathe fine and kind of have a cute binder. After sobbing in my bed ands talking to myself while gasping for a good hour it became apparent that no, jeans are not good binder material. Back to today though we went to the store, i felt okay ish leaving out. I was wearing a hoodie but my hair and my voice were kinda -censored- up my vibes but whats a guy to do about that. I shopped around joking about and having fun with my siblings before returning home and realizing. "-expletive- the neighborhood block party is today!" Im not the best at parties. Not good at socializing or starting topics or seeming interesting but having been isolates in my ten by eleven room for three years with the occasional hang out with my parents i decides to play social roulette because odds were it was better than that room. Besides, i had a game plan this time! I lassoed up my pet beetle and plopped it on my shoulder figuring "hell yea this'll be a conversation starter". And she was, she met many children and adults that day and i happily explained what she was and ate and her terraniam. It was a fun experience as i attempted to become a more patient human trying to stop this beetle from falling and taking deep breaths as i let young children interupt my doodle time and sketch and wrinkle my note book pages. However while squating there watching my doodles get destroyed and breaking only a small sweat i felt like a cool older teen brother. A brother you'd look back at fondly but not too fondly. Not along the lines of "gosh he was great, i love him!" More along the lines of "He was a -censored- idiot but at least he wasnt a dickhead." . This made me smile as i realized how wonderfully average and lame of a dad i was gonna be at some point. Delightful! As i was thinking this by chance the father of the two children scribbling in my book came to great me with an open hand thanking me for putting up with them. I greated him back and he asked about my art and boy oh boy how confused i was. He doesnt seem like a bad guy but its a work for fame kinda feel to it. Like he wants some art but doesnt want to pay but then again he isnt asking for anything new just a piece of art to throw up on his wall at an air bmb. After completely destroying the conversation making it as awkward as a middle age dad trapped in the body of a 14 year old girl body could be i excused myself thanking him and promising to get into contact with him at some point. I made it home and great. Post fun depression. I tried talking it off with my brother but that only went so far as i began to try watching videos to distract myself which ultimately led to me in the bathroom looking myself down with hatred. What a dumb voice i have , i dont look masculine and what a -censored- moron i was at that party. It was a moment where the real me felt far too out of reach. Yea right sure you'll leave and study herpetology in germany and be a father or you'll just end up some washed up piece of -crap-. I smashed my chest trying to bulk up and look better almost breaking down and thinking about choking myself again until the pain went away when i did something stupidly simple. I stuffed my bed head into my cap and only let a small tuff out and all of a sudden something clicked. It was like looking future me in the face. I strutted around a bit a smile creeping up my face as the very slight shadow of a mustache on my face allowed me to sort of see what future me would look like. I could picture myself hanging with a bunch of pals at my dorm in germany probably drinking one beer in the corner anxiously as they got -crap- faced and i wondered how much water and asprin is needed to cure a hangover but while id be a loser i was the real me. I could see myself sitting shirtless with a backwards cap and boxer briefs listening as they hooted and hollared and i was happy to be there. I coukd imagine showing off black throat monitors and burmese pythons to many curious passer by's with a smile and i could even imagine dancing and having jam sessions with my son. It's the little moments like those that really keep me pushing. The possibility of these dreams one day being a reality make sometimes dark thoughts dissapear and make life just the teeniest bit more worth living. Sure it'll be a long road and meine deutch ist nicht toll or meine deutch ist toll nicht or nicht toll is- you get the point alright and getting testosterone and dealing with bigotry and spite and college and all that wonderful -crap- will be hard but if that means having the job and family i want and finally being me, then thats worth it. For now ill just ignore those chest demons and pack my boxer briefs because i know at some point i wont need to do any of this anymore and at some point i'll allways be happy to look in the mirror.
  16. If i was questining where my older brother and sister stood as far as trans people go today made it clear. We were standing in line in front of a trans woman which sparked the conversation. It started light hearted and about the cost of transitional surgeries. Fair enough but things got hairy fast. My brother started delibrately calling the woman a he (not to her face we were in the car at that point) and me and sister argued with him as he shook his head stating "if you're born a man you're a man" fantastic. My sister then stated that the idea of being trans was just disgusting going forth to state "being gay doesnt bother me but-" which is the way most homophobes who think homophobia is only punching a gay person in the face and lynching them asked why they wouldnt want the puh tang when they were that handsome? And all of my fellow gay bretheren shook our heads thinking of the wholesome beuty of the male figure. I dont thonk theyre bad people by any means and while this most certainly mean i wont have the smoothest coming out they wpuld never hate me. My brother cares deeply about my tourettes and seizures and so doea my sister my brother often asking about side affects and advising me on things to do and generally being supportive on the whole out of the blue absentia seizure thing but this dpes mean ill have to be thw teacher of this stuff to them. I'm not gonna pull my haira out with arguements but ill definately calmy explain to them why im transitioning and see where it all leads from there. All i know at this point is 2018 is gonna be one hell of a ride. And if the thing on their being a kind of coming of age in your teen years are true i think its gonna happen real soon.
  17. Hey, my name is Sam and I'm 18. I will be going to college in upstate New York. For years I have tried to come out to my mom as transgender (female to male) or even just as nonbinary/genderqueer because to be fair I don't feel 100% male...or at least what society expects "male" to mean. I genuinely want to present more masculine (binding, etc.) in college, something I could never really do at home because of how infuriated my mom would get... and the fact I grew up in a small conservative town... Ever since I was 12 I knew that this was something I wanted to do. I am just terrified to actually do it when left to my own devices, after years of conditioning and self-preservation by doing the opposite... I finally have all this freedom, but now I'm too scared to act on it. Basically, what I'm asking for here is advice from anyone who has been in this situation or known anyone who has or just thinks they have something to offer. That would be ideal. Thanks! I'd also like to make some friends so feel free to message me : ) Have a good day/night/whenever you're reading this!
  18. I’ve very recently come to face with the fact that I may be transgender?? For the past 4 years, I’ve been identifying as nonbinary, because that’s what I felt fit me best, but now I’m uncertain. The uncertainty started when one of my friends jokingly called me Samson (I usually go by just Sam). Something inside me sparked, a piece of me slid into place; it just felt right. Well, more recently, my boyfriend seemingly out-of-the-blue called me baby boy. It felt natural. I’ve never been comfortable being referred to as a girl or woman or any other variant, using gender neutral terms were so much better, but that...took the cake. Upon asking him why, since I’d never expressed concern about being transgender, he responded: about my mannerisms during intercourse, how my most prominent style is almost that of a stereotypical gay man’s, and how he just kind of observed that I might be more comfortable identifying as a man. I have a few concerns, though. I’ve never experienced dysphoria in a sense that I’ve been uncomfortable in my naturally female body. I mean, my chest is pretty small and looks basically flat with only a sports bra. I don’t necessarily long for a penis or facial hair, but occasionally feel myself considering the possibility. I doubt I ever will go through hormone treatment or transition due to the inconsistent desire to have a male body. I know that being transgender doesn’t have to be accompanied by body dysphoria, but...I just don’t know. Also, regardless of everything, I’m still rather feminine. I enjoy some stereotypically “girly” things: floral prints are my weakness, my favorite color is purple, I do not plan to retire my collection of dresses and skirts, I genuinely enjoy applying makeup some days, etc. I’ve considered that I may be genderfluid, but I really don’t think so. There’s never a change; I just always feel like me. Am I a femme transgender man or just a confused nonbinary individual?
  19. Im a born female but i remember now knowing that theres more than two gender and a possibility of bwing trans that i used to be highly curious in male stuff at a very younge age. I was facinated to learn boys had different parts than i did. Id like to walk around the house shirtless and occasionally curiously pee standing up like i saw the men in movies do it. Id allways hang around the guys like uncles and feel macho and cool and although im allways content with my female family members hanging around the guys had allways felt rigjt especially when id play soccer with my three male buds rushing and clammering to kick it away (i lost a lot but only because my friend landel was freakishly tall, like 5 foot 9 in middle school tall and i was a puny 5 foot.) I also started noticing i never quite felt comforatable ESPECIALLY at serimonies. Those were the worst. I hated weating those stupid dresses and make up and allways long to wear a nice suit and tie instead feeling it was much more neat and easier than shaving my mammoth legs (thanks dad). When i did dress girly i never felt pretty and most times it was to show off to others and kinda validate myself. I would wear booty shorts with my friends because otherwise thwyd tease me and for a while i thought this was normal but i was recollection a lot of what i did what them was influenced by the pressure of trying to fit in and the more i dug deep the more i rwalizes id never truly been content with my appearance. Something was just allways off for some reason. This of course led me to the conclusion that i must be a trans male. The ideas of the word father and beother and son felt nice but something was off again. Now to predasess this i dont have much stuff to experiment with atm. I dont have a proper binder or packer or many masculine clothes. Dont have any makeup experience to excentuate my male features so i allways look feminine esc but theres allways a sense of consfusion especially around my breats. Ill look at the bra in the mirror and halfway cringe but faintly kinda like it, ever so slightly. I hate everything else, would prefer to have male parts below the line on all accounts and if the chance was given and bottom surgery was fantastic id get it changed in a snap but as i look at my breasts i cant decide what the hell i think of them. This goes into other apsects like when i picture myself at times its a girl and like right now while five minutes ago that image was okay i dispise it again wanting to hurl at the simple consept of shorts and halter tops, without a flat chest that is. This could come down to sexuality and style i suppose. Im pretty gay but i can see myself dating anyone really and do get attracted to women all be it less frequently than men so perhaps im just having a moment of attracction, like my style of girl i make myself is a type im attracted to or if im kinda idk agender of kinda gender mixed. I did see a study that trans women have brains that are organized like females and trans men tend to have an inbetween. Not male but a mixture between the typical male and female brain set up so maybe thats my case? I have no clue and it gets frusterating because i want to come out. I want to be certain and tell everyone and get the transition going and be content with whatever pride flag i end up holding but i cant find thw one that fits me. I cant fit anywhere at all entirely and everytime i get close something changes again and theres doubts. Is this normal? Is there any ways i can learn what i actually am and atop having to do quiz after quiz trying to find something out about myself. What the hell am i?
  20. Hello there! Thanks for taking the time to red this!! I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong forum but you guys seemed so supportive, so I felt this was the right place...? ... Anyway, as you have read: I'm questioning my gender. I'm a teenager from Argentina who's been confused for... a looooonng time. And I felt that it was about time I reached out for help and talked to you people. So, my questions started when I realized something: I'm female, and I am attracted to men. However, I have the feeling that I'm... somehow... gay? I'm so sorry if that sounds stupid, I'm just really confused. As I said, I feel I have to be a guy to feel free to be with another guy. I want to snuggle him and hug him and kiss him- but as a boy, not as a girl. Soon, other questions started to appear and I started feeling urges to cut my hair short -as short as boys- and wear more "masculine" clothing. What's more, I've always despised wearing the same clothes as my female friends. Tops, tanks, ripped shorts and skirts... they make me uncomfortable. Besides, I was (and still am) disgusted by my breasts and felt the need to flatten them... just as I'd like to look more masculine but not to go through surgery or testosterone. I also daydream a lot (because school bores the hell out of me) and picture myself as a boy. Despite my feelings, I've never had any stereotipically "male" personality traits... and my friends are mostly girls. However, I do find crude humor hilarious and sometimes I can be really vulgar- though I don't show that because I'm very shy. Overall, I'd say that my personality is gender-neutral. Appart from relationships, I feel that being a guy will finally suit my gender-neutral personality. I don't I dentify as agender or non-binary so far but I belive my personality does...? And I wouldn't mind he/him pronouns!! However, I'm not sure if it's truly what I want or what I feel, and I have to admit that I've always been seen as a girl -by others and by myself- and feeling "transgender" is so unusual to me that it feels weird to think of me as male when I'm used to my name and my pronouns and I look so feminine... and I'm very afraid of my classmates' reactions to me coming out as ftm transgender if it turns out I do identify as male- as they would probably feel it's weird. That can't be any worse than my parent's reactions, though: They believe I'm too young and won't let me experiment much, although they let me dress in more masculine/gender-neutral clothing- In which I FINALLY feel comfortable! I finally think something suits me! They say that I'm just confused because I'm ashamed to look like other girls- which is HIGHLY unlikely. ... ...WOOO that took a while to write!! My fingers hurt like HELL! Ow!! I feel lighter now that I've set it all free- and thank you so much for reading this!! I appreciate it so much! Not everyone would care about what some random stranger on the internet has to say... you're really special ;). And btw sorry for my english... I'm just a teenager who lives in south america and I'm still studying grammar!!
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