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Found 4 results

  1. reyindium

    Feeling like a coward

    So, I came out as trans* in college...oh...10 or 11 years ago. I had been living socially as a male (stealth-mode) since I was 12. I was seriously researching transitioning with hrt and surgery by the time I hit 19. When I dated women or men, I was their boyfriend. All that jazz. I've always been fluid...which I define as being comfortable with feminity so long as my masculinity was never questioned. Fast forward to present, I'm married. Been with my spouse happily for 9 years. He's known I'm genderfluid from the beginning (I told him on many occasions, not to mention most of my stuff is a dude's..from soap to clothes) but he doesn't handle my masculinity with complete grace. For most of our marriage, I've stayed "neutral" (except in my head, where I'm 100% male). The older I get, the more desperate I feel to be honest with myself and others about who I am. But my male identity isn't accepted by my spouse...and it's killing me. I asked him if he'd still love me if I had a male body and he said, "No, because I'm not gay". That really hurt to hear on many levels for me because it came from someone I love and because it was a blatent denial on his part of my gender identity. I mean, he claims to love me so that means he can't see me as a guy in any sense by that logic. I was so upset by his attitude that I ended up shaving my legs and armpits, put on girl clothes and makeup, and came to work today feeling like a freak. I want to explode out of my skin. But I don't want my marriage to suffer and I realize we should do counseling about my gender but I don't want to rock the boat. If I was cis, our relationship would have zero issues. I know how lucky I am to have him. So I feel guilty and ashamed that he doesnt have some pretty curvy girl to cling to his arm. I realize I shouldn't feel this way but I do. He's stuck with me; an awkward, [apparently] closeted guy, in his button downs and oversized glasses. I just needed to get this off my chest, so thanks to anyone who read this.
  2. i’ve known for years that i’m not a girl. i went from identifying as gender fluid to just calling myself nonbinary. i keep saying i’m fine with usually being misgendered because i tend to present a bit more feminine & i know people don’t see anything else when they look at me unless they know the truth. but i’m really tired of it... it makes me uncomfortable to have boobs (even uncomfortable to talk about the fact that i have them lol) and it makes me uncomfortable to be called a girl, to be referred to as ‘she.’ in the last six or seven months, i’ve been wrestling with the idea of maybe i’m a boy. i feel closer to that than to being a girl, and sometimes i think ‘i wish i had just been born a boy’ because then i wouldn’t have to worry about it. i could just be a boy. and i feel like that’s very telling, but i also feel like i don’t really fit on the binary in that way. and i keep saying i can be whatever kind of boy i want, i don’t have to conform to the standard masculinity and i don’t even have to change my pronouns. i guess what i want to ask is if there’s anyone else afab who has at least partially transitioned (top surgery, hormones, whatever) but doesn’t identify as a man? if anyone retains some sort of nonbinary identity while also taking the steps to transition physically? i feel like this might be where i’m at and maybe what i want but hearing someone else’s story if it’s the same/similar would help validate my own feelings and maybe it will help me be closer to knowing who i want to be i guess
  3. I've got a lot on my chest that I'm trying to figure out, so bear with me as I unload it all... Last year I came out as a lesbian. When I came out to my friends, something didn't feel quite right about it, but I ignored it. I'd never felt the draw to have sex with men, so it seemed to fit, right? My friends were supportive (still not out to family), but I kept having the nagging feeling that something wasn't right about it. I thought that I was still trying to come to terms with my sexual orientation. I was learning about trans issues at the time, and I remember having a thought, something like "how do I know I'm a lesbian woman and not a straight man?". But I ignored it. I really hated, and still kind of hate calling myself a lesbian. It feels wrong because it is gendered femininely. Over the summer, I ended up living with 2 trans guys. I learned a lot about gender and started questioning my own. I'm not sure if I ever really showed any signs of being not cis as a kid. My dad likes to tell this story of how after my brother was born, I told people that I'd been born with a penis but it had fallen off. I'd thought that everyone was born with male genitals. Other than that, I just grew into your typical tomboy. I loved it when my brothers' clothes accidentally ended up in my laundry basket, I got a "boy's shirt" and I was thrilled about it. I used to sleep in just shorts, before I started going through puberty, because boys did it and I could do it too. I got mad at a boy in my class when he told me I wasn't a tomboy and that I was a girly girl. All of my favorite tv shows revolved around men, the like. When my breasts started growing in, I remember being constantly embarrassed, although I didn't know why. They seemed so big, and I hated that they were there. I would refuse to wear bras, because I didn't really want to accept that my breasts were there, but then they were extremely noticeable, and I was afraid that everyone could tell that I was not wearing a bra like I was supposed to and I was so conflicted and embarrassed. I eventually just stuck to wearing bras. My chest is very large, and I don't like the fact that it's there. A lot of the time, I feel desperate, and I just want them off of my body, but I can't take them off. I'm getting desperate to start binding, because every time I look in the mirror, I get so upset when I see my breasts in my reflection. They don't belong on my body. I know that for sure. I'm planning to get a chest binder at some point. I've done my research and plan to get one from a reputable company and I'm doing careful research to make sure I get the correct size so I can bind safely. I know I won't get completely flat, but I'd settle for "much much smaller" at this point. I have two female family members who enjoy buying me clothes. They always buy very feminine clothing, and I never like it. When I have to go to the store with them and buy things, I end up nearly in tears because I don't like the way female clothes look on my body. They'll usually only let me get men's shoes and men's shorts, things that people wouldn't notice are men's clothing. When I buy myself clothes, it's always men's clothes. But sometimes when I wear them, I look like I'm just a girl trying to play dress up in daddy's clothes, and it'll make me really upset, because that's not me. My hair is currently at my shoulders, and I want to chop it off to make it much shorter. I hate wearing dresses. I can handle it, and have had to, but I always feel wrong when I wear a dress. I definitely feel more masculine, but I'm not sure if I'm male. I've found I enjoy making male video game avatars for myself, and I enjoy it when someone mistakes me for male online. Also, I'm a writer, and for years I only wanted to write from a male point-of-view. I refused to write from a girl's. But I don't know for sure. I'm not sure how comfortable I'd feel using a men's bathroom or anything like that. I used to be repulsed by male genitals, but over the past few months I've wanted to try packing, which seems kind of oxymoronic. I've been wondering if the previous repulsion might be dysphoria in disguise, but who knows? I think I'm either in the nonbinary range or Ftm, but I'm not sure. I could see it going either way. Does any of this resonate with anyone else? I know that I probably won't know anything for sure until I start experimenting, but it sucks to learn that you're not your assigned gender and on top of that, not being able to really adequately describe what you feel inside. I know this was long, so if you're still here reading all of this, thanks for sticking around.
  4. ForeverWandering

    Questioning afab

    Hello all, As the title says I’ve been questioning my gender identity for a little more than a year now. It started when I was reading a story involving a character who identified as female, but not quite 100%. Before this, I had never questioned my identity, was pretty ignorant on transgender issues and never explored my identity whatsoever. For some reason, however, I resonated with this character’s identity. I have lived my life as female for 20 years and am now at a point where I’m exploring and questioning my gender identity. I’ve put down aspects of my life I’ve looked back on and jotted them down below: Early childhood (4-8): Fairly girly, loved barbies, glitter, mermaids, makeovers Also liked superheroes, action movies and toys my brother had Hated the idea of becoming a teenager/growing up (even cried on one of my birthdays and wanted to fly to Neverland so I could stay young forever lol) Almost all my imaginary friends were boys Had a male “inner voice” and a female “inner voice” (I was a weird kid ha ha) Had two imaginary horses; one boy and one girl Mimicked men’s voices and wondered what it’d be like to be a boy Never really felt out of the ordinary, just thought “I was born a girl, I must be a girl” Later childhood (9-13): “Tomboy” Still played with dolls Compared myself to male characters and secretly hoped others would see the correlation Wrote stories that consisted of mostly male characters Aunt bought me a “mature” bra; I hated it, threw it into my closet and never wore it Became very introverted after puberty Teens (14-17) Hated bras Slightly uncomfortable with my chest, never knew why Wore puffy hoodies to conceal myself Hated makeup Rarely looked at myself in the mirror Avoided looking at chest Would pretend I didn’t have a chest when drying off after showers Got into mild spiffs with my mom about the clothes she bought for me for being too girly Hated having my pictures posted online by my parents or taking any pictures at all Early adulthood (18-20): Memories of my childhood & high school very hazy Feeling like I was on “autopilot” General feeling that I have not matured physically? Hard to imagine my future self Uneasy feeling when changing Diagnosed with depression Now (21): Began questioning Cut my hair Dressed more androgynously Started binding Thought about the possibility of being gender fluid, but feel like male fits better? Played with makeup to make fake stubble Liked how I looked more when using gender-swapping apps Bought minoxidil to stimulate facial hair growth and got excited when it (barely lol) started growing Sort of passed as a guy Still like feminine things and aesthetics, just not on me Seeing myself in the future as a guy more than a woman Doubts about all this: Trying to convince myself daily that I’m a woman and that this is most likely a phase Trying to hide from myself due to low self esteem Hiding from my womanhood Making this the center of my attention in order to keep from being depressed (only feeling good because I’m setting goals for myself) Worried this stems from rumination and obsession (I’ve been struggling with very distressing intrusive thoughts for about 4 years, my counselor thinks it may be a form of ocd. I haven’t been diagnosed) Overthinking things and blowing things out of proportion So that’s about it. I’m just very confused right now. I know I need to take this slow but I’m just looking for advice or experience some of you might have? I’ve just started seeing a counselor who has experience with gender related issues so I have that going for me. However, I would like to hear your thoughts? Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.
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