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  1. Hi, my name's Lee. I'd like to share my coming out story...and what happened afterwards. I started having doubts--or think about--my gender early in the summer and I talked it over with my girlfriend who was having similar doubts and we came to different conclusions. Me, that I didn't feel fully male, and her that she was just confused. Then, in December, after a long period of depression, the same thoughts started coming back to me, and after discovering a friend of mine was non-binary I thought I was non-binary, too. I told my girlfriend immediately and we started experimenting with pronouns and we came up with the name Lee. At first I considered myself agender, genderqueer or even fluid, but little by little I began to realize I actually felt...feminine. At first my girlfriend remained supportive, only later telling me she was having doubts. But we stayed together until I came out to my parents on 3/17/19. Which was...a disaster. I did it on impulse, writing them a letter after having received renewed support from my girlfriend even if she had grown distant and somewhat cold in the previous days. And after I gave it to them, at first they seemed shocked but ready to work on accepting me...and then they started railing on me out of hurt. The next day my girlfriend offered me to come to her house for comfort and we ended up arguing as we had been doing on WhatsApp for the past week or two. She asked for a week of distance, and went on a school vacation to Greece the next day. The day of the 10th recurrence of our first date, which we'd decided to set as a date for anniversaries. A week later, 3/25/19, she broke with me because she couldn't handle the stress I was feeling about the situation coupled with her own, and asked me not to speak, call or message her for a month. I did just that and ended up crying nearly every day. My parents only kept saying (as they do to this day) two things: "I told you so" and "She can't love you as Lee if she fell in love with you as (deadname)". I soldiered through half of April. I met new people, broke off other relations, and so on. Then, out of the blu, on 4/18/19, a week earlier than what we'd promised, she texted me. My mind blew. We fought and flirted and sexted and all around effed about until we met two days later at her house on a whim and we effed again--or tried to. She said she "Loved (deadname)". We broke down in tears and we fought again. We spent hours arguing until we seemingly came up with the solution of starting from scratch to see if she could 'fall in love with Lee too'. And so we tried. On 4/25 we went to a museum and then afterwards to my house and made love. We kept writing each other affectionate letters every evening throughout. But she grew distant again and, Yesterday 5/1/19, she grew angry at me out of the blue after we lost each other in the crowd at a concert we'd gone to with a couple of friends. I followed her to the subway hoping to find some answers and she told me she just couldn't do it. Her feelings were confused and mixed and she didn't love me anymore but only felt physical attraction and affection, while I was still in love with her. So she broke with me...for, like, the fourth time. That was Yesterday. I still can't believe it. I don't know what to do right now, how to deal with the pain. We struck a deal to meet on Sunday so that she could clarify when and how she'd stopped to love me and try to sort out our lives without too much damage. I cried I don't know how many times today, because I still can't believe it. I can't still find a reason for why she'd stop loving me. Too much stress, yes, but…she'd remained loving right before that fight on 3/18. She's the first person I came out to. The first person to accept and support me. But now... Yeah, that's the question right there. What now?
  2. UghToast

    Embarrassed and Unsure

    Hello, Recently I started coming out as trans to my immediate family and friend circle. I have spent most of my life (25 yrs) wishing I were a boy, and being uncomfortable/sad being referred to as female. I am generally OK with my body, I'm pretty sure HRT is not for me, but I bought a chest binder and have been feeling loads better because of it. Just trying at this point to accept myself as a boy, trying to undo the years of seeing myself as female. If I could press a button to become male, I would -- I just want to FEEL like a boy, if that makes sense. And, sometimes I do, and it's exhilarating! Anyway, when it involves to coming out to other people, I've been less certain. My friends are generally understanding, but I am now the only LGBT person in our circle. I've brought up wanting a gender neutral name and using male pronouns, but when friends and family do use them around me (oftentimes correcting themselves) I feel horribly embarrassed and ashamed. Is this normal? I feel like it's a mix of things, like I'm worried people don't actually SEE me as a boy, because I don't and probably will never pass as a boy. I feel totally vulnerable making this change. What if I have second thoughts? But at the same time, even though it's familiar, I don't want to go back to the female name/pronouns because I don't want to spend my whole life wishing for something that I don't allow myself to attain. I guess I'm just scared. I'm in this middle ground now where nothing feels right (except occasionally when I am out with one good friend who is crazy supportive I feel excited). I want to be a boy so bad, and so far everyone has been very nice, why don't I have the bravery to do this?? I have a gender therapist I've been seeing but I haven't been jiving very well with her, she just sits there and stares at me smiling and then I feel like I have to yammer to avoid the silence. So, I have made another appointment with someone else, but it's a couple week out, which is why I am reaching out here for support. Thank U in advance, --UghToast
  3. Michelle F

    How I Came Out & Why I Waited

    Oh dear! Coming Out! It's a lengthy read... Here goes… Officially, I came Out as Transgender MtF in May of 2018! This is how it all began... My Mother passed peacefully on June 5, 2013 somewhere between 9a and 10:30a. I went to Walmart for our monthly supplies. I am an only child and she was the last of my family. I was the last man standing in the whole fam damily. Because I my only personal income was SSI at the time, less than $900. I couldn't afford where we lived so I became homeless. For two years I wandered California from Humboldt County south to Fort Bragg - on to San Luis Obispo on the Pacific Coast Hwy - then back north on US 101 up to San Francisco - continuing up to Redding on I-5 and back to Humboldt via US 299. In late 2015 I was compelled to stay in Humboldt. On August 30, the VA decided I was disabled enough to warrant Non-Service Related Pension. I got $3000 back pay and then $1000 a month since. My hips were about to separate from my torso. Only flesh and tendons were holding me together. Both were equally bone to bone. Femur to pelvis! So I bought a travel trailer and moved it to an RV park. Now I have residence I can get hips replaced ASAP. On April 16, 2016 my left hip was replaced. One week in hospital recovery. Three weeks in rehab. The next August 16, the right hip was replaced. I walked in at 5 am. Had surgery and walked out at 4:15pm (FYI: At this time I had Hepatitis C type 2a from a transfusion while serving in the US NAVY in 1972) In May of 2017 right after Mother's Day I headed south again. Bad relationship and too cold now with titanium ceramic alloy hips. I was done with Humboldt County. AMTRAK here I come. I heard Healthcare was more accessible in Socal. When I got to San Luis Obispo I went VSO. First I asked about housing; then I asked about Hep C treatment. They said I needed to go to Loma Linda Veterans Hospital outside Riverside. On my way there I learned Palm Springs area had the best treatment for Hep C and HIV so off I went. I figured if they are experience with two major deadly viruses then I'd be in good hands. On May 22, 2017 at 2am I arrived in downtown Palm Springs on AMTRAK. I learned that I could get a hot meal and some useful info at a Church. So I went there. At 11a I was given a ride to the Church where I met my partner Shawn. (We had lunch and talked. We moved in together a few months later and we are still together). That week I signed up for Hep C treatment and met my current Primary Care Physician. (fast forward to March 30 2018. In April 2018 I was Officially declared cured of Hepatitis C!) (FYI - at this point I was a Straight CISGender man. At least I thought was. I was anything but Comfortable In my Skin!) Still early April... I was feeling off...more so, I made an appointment to see my Doc and see why I was feeling the way I felt. Keep in mind, the Doctor I picked just so happened to be a top local Transgender specialist. I didn't know that at this point. More on this later. I explained how I felt. He seemed concerned and ordered more bloodwork. He suggested that I make myself comfortable at home and relax for a week. He said he had an idea what was wrong and we'll discuss it after he sees the lab report. So I made my follow-up app’t and went home. That evening I was thinking about my comfort levels. When I lived alone I would sleep nude. All my life I did. Being an old hippie nudity was common and not a bad thing. I can't sleep with clothing on. The bed has clothing why do I need clothing? I knew Shawn was gay and he accepted my hetero preference without pressure nor too many questions. All was good in the universe. We shared a bedroom with two twin beds in an ‘Homeless Transitional Housing’ scenario while looking for a place we could afford. We are very compatible and work well together so living together seemed logical. I was laying there on my bed watching tv. Out of the blue I casually asked for permission to sleep nude as I didn't want to offend him and I reassured him that I am not seeking an advance. He laughed and said “Of course! Be comfortable. Don't worry, be happy.” A week later I go to my follow-up. My Doc seemed cheerful enough and not overly concerned with anything specific. Then we started going over the lab report. His first question: Are you always tired? Answer: Absolutely not. Can't sleep more than 6 hours a night. I don't need an alarm clock. I know when I'll get up by what time I go to bed. Second question: How's your sex life? Answer: Non existent! Third: Do you masturbate regularly? Ans: Yes… Well… I try…!? What he said next changed my life… “Both your free and serum Testosterone are very low. It would be normal if you were a woman. While your Free and serum Estradiol would be normal for a man it would be very low for a woman. Do you now or have you ever thought you might have feminine proclivities? “Well,” I said, “as a matter of fact, as a child I thought I was a malformed girl. I had different plumbing. In the neighborhood I grew up in there were no boys my age. All were very much older or way younger. I had a dozen girlfriends growing up. Two male friends by the 4th grade” Then he asked me again how I felt now… All of a sudden I remembered a wish I had made many years ago. I wished I was a girl. All those thoughts came flooding back. I became sad. Deep inside I still yearned for that female proclivity to be in charge. So I said softly. “I am feeling vulnerable. I feel embarrassed! That's when the bomb dropped. He clearly noticed my visible sadness. He said, “Have you ever thought of transitioning?” Huh??? I had never heard of such a thing. I said, “Please explain!” He called it ended Dysphoria. He then proceeded to tell me about Transgender and MtF conversion and what that entails. At this point I missed everything he said. The thought of becoming a woman was all I could think about. So many times I had thought there has got to be a better way. I've always felt feminine. Also, ever since 7th grade… middle school, I had been accused of being gay. Not me! No friggin way. When he stopped talking I must have had a blank or puzzled look on my face. He asked if I was alright? I said, “maybe (long pause)” Then with all seriousness I looked him straight in the eye and asked point blank, “ ...and just exactly HOW do I go about transitioning?” He said, “When you present to me, here at DAP, full-time as female, then we'll talk!” I asked, “ok when can I have my next appointment?” He said “I'll be right back” A couple minutes later his nurse comes in and told me tomorrow. I ask what do I do to present properly? She said, “Come in dressed as a woman. When you commit to full-time you'll start HRT.” “Hmmm… That's all? THAT'S ALL??? REALLY???”, I quipped. He just nodded nd held the door open... I got home and proceeded to attempt at dressing up! Shawn was like, “Okay… what's going on. So I told him. He knew what's up. I didn't. So he explained the finer details of dressing like a girl and then asked me if I was really serious. I reiterated that I was. I had no family to convince or argue with. I had no old friends either. I was a stranger in a strange land and I was ready for change. He then helped me dress convincingly. He has a sister so he was somewhat an authority. One of the women that lived there helped me with some simple makeup. You know eyeliner and shadow. Some mascara and she feminized my brows. I had long hair but bald. So I donned a black and white camo Aussie Bush Hat, a turquoise tank top and cut-off jeans n flip flops. She did my nails with a nice turquoise polish. Boom! I didn't look bad. Actually somewhat convincing! Shawn also explained that if I am honestly straight and still thinking of being a woman then I could very well be transgender. Caitlyn Jenner and Chelsea Manning came to mind and I got it immediately! So… I came out on Tax day 2018… LoL! I have not worn men's clothing since. I started HRT on April 16, 2018. Today, my breasts are a natural B cup. I am getting a girlish figure and I have begun electrolysis on my face and will be getting GRS soon. I have submitted both letters of medical necessity. I have met my Top Surgeon! Life is good... So there is my back story. This is how I came out. Why and when and I am so glad I did! Love, Michelle
  4. Willow421

    Christmas party

    Tomorrow is the Christmas party for one of the boards of directors on which I serve. A couple of people on the board know that I have come out and questioning my gender identity. I thought I would take a calculated risk and attend the party presenting more female than male, specifically with a black t-neck with flaired spotted cuff and wool grey pants with a flaired leg. Simple black belt, a brogue patent leather and suede shoe in black, and a simple short sleeve black sweater to keep warm will add to the ensemble. The outfit is somewhat subtle but feminine ... I hope. This is the first real time I will have presented in this way to a group of people. I'm a little nervous but I know these friends and colleagues should be supportive. Those whom I have told already responded positively. I'm crossing my fingers all will go well. Willow
  5. Willow421

    First therapy session

    On Friday, December 14th, I will be attending my first therapy session with a gender counseller from Qmunity, a Vancouver-based non-profit that supports the LGBTQ community. I'm not sure what to expect but I hope the session will be the start an important discussion about how I perceive myself and what the future may hold for me. Times are interesting as I work through my gender dysphoria and a pending separation and divorce, which was going to happen anyways and was just accelerated by my spouse because I came out to her. Stress is high right now and I'm trying to manage this through exercise, medication, and staying in the NOW. More to come ... Willow
  6. Willow421

    She knew already

    Tonight I passed a milestone and told my wife of 21 years that I have accepted my feminine side and identify more as a woman than a man. What blew me away is she already knew - ok, she thought I may have been gay (I have no interest in men) - she was happy for me that I had accepted my identity. I was terrified to tell her, fearing a strong negative reaction. My fear was misplaced as she lovingly supported and told me I better not end up being more pretty than her 😘. I was relieved, almost cried. This moment had been 40 years in the making. I have been ln treatment for anxiety and depression for most of my adult life. I have learned to effectively manage my mental illness through CBT and medication but have always felt the anxiety just below the surface. Today I have a big smile inside me, a calmness that I haven't felt in a long time. Accepting my female identity has made me realize that denying this identity may have been a root cause of my mental illness. More time will help validate this assumption. I am pleased that I can now be more open and natural at home. My wife and I are concerned about how to have this discussion with my 20 year old son and 15 year old daughter and how my home community will accept my choice. There is lots of road ahead to navigate and I will need to learn more about has to make this transition. I am looking forward to this journey, all of the challenges and successes.
  7. I came out to my mom a little while ago as 'not a girl", which probably was not the right decision because I have been questioning my gender for a couple of years now but I haven't been sure exactly of what I am until recently. I came out as "not a girl" because I know that she would not except me if I told her that I feel more like a boy, and now that I'm telling her that I feel more like a boy, she is starting to tell me that "I don't know how I feel" and that "what does it mean to be a girl?" to try and convince me that I am a girl who just isn't the 'typical girl'. I'm telling her that I don't like when she calls me her 'daughter' and a 'girl', but she refuses to do so because in her mind I am still her 'little girl'. She also tells me that my dysphoria isn't real because I have been insecure and uncomfortable in my skin all my life (because these things are somehow separate?). I see my gender therapist in two weeks from now, and I need help on trying to explain to her what it means to be a girl, and how I do not fit that description because I am not one. And because she still sees me as a girl she is forcing me to wear dresses and skirts to a religious event next February, so that I wear the 'girl' clothing instead of the 'boy' clothing that I begged to wear last year to the event. I need some help on convincing her to let me wear the 'boy' clothing so that I present and feel more like me.
  8. I'm just recently coming to terms with myself and realizing there is nothing wrong will the way I feel. I've struggled with this sense middle school and have only just now accepted it now that I'm getting close to 30. The last week or so I've been losing sleep trying to figure out just how to tell my wife and family (no kids). And that's just the top of the ice burg, if also been in the army national guard for 6 years and just added 2 more years to my contract. In 2016 the army policy on trans changed to be more inclusive but I'm still not sure if I should come out now or wait the two years. I know there is a military support forum in addition to the coming out forum, I just feel this covers both and I don't want to take up to much forum space.
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