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  1. If you could’ve controlled what you friends and family’s actions when you came out what would you have done? (what others did wrong so people know what to do right)
  2. Holly92

    Late Night Thoughts

    TW: Self-harm, Drugs/Alcohol Hi Folx. I haven't been active lately as I have been trying to take some time away from the internet and focus on my life, but I'm looking forward to becoming more involved in the community. I have been struggling with insomnia so these are some thoughts about my current experience I wrote down last night, just thought I would share in case anybody experiences something similar. These are unedited, just as I wrote them as I had a thought. Been awake for 1.5 hours. Eating some cheese for the tryptophan and writing my thoughts/worries. Invalidating my own experience has led to almost all of my problematic behaviours. My avoidance is twofold, the usual shame/guilt I experience, and now the dysphoria/euphoria that is overwhelming me. Every girl I have ever known on even a casual basis I have had a "crush" on, which I assumed was loneliness or attraction. I now realise I misunderstood my envy of being female as attraction. I have never been comfortable in my body, and always attempted to cultivate a more masculine appearance. This is in spite of the fact I have never identified with what could be considered as masculine traits. My low self confidence has led to my avoidance. For the first time in life I'm starting to feel proud/happy of who I am, and have a congruent sense of self-identity. Sex has always been a mostly mentally stimulating over bodily experience for me. My radical changes in appearance over the years has felt like an attempt to "try on" a persona to fit. Until recent years I have squashed down my femininity and taken on the role of a cis, hetero man. I have regularly said jokingly "I wish I was gay but I'm just not attracted to men" and "I wish I had been born a lesbian". These thoughts never felt valid to me, as I just assumed it was a way to rationalise my lack of identity I have never been into traditionally "girly" pursuits. I have never been comfortable around most men. The thought of being able to live and be accepted as a woman caused me to reduce my self-harming and avoidant behaviours. My main concern right now is not wanting to jeopardise my relationship with my girlfriend. It has been the most fulfilling thing in my life and had I never grown and learnt from her I would almost certainly never have accepted myself as trans. The other concern is my family's response, but I'm just realising I don't actually care about that, but I'm still severely anxious. I feel safe, happy and accepted with my close and queer friends, and most people I have genuinely come to respect and love has so far been accepting and supporting. Final thoughts. Feeling excited to explore this in a healthy way. Trying not to let regret cause avoidance, drinking, and drug use. I remember the painting of my future I did in hospital last year, and how I have so much ahead of me. I deserve to be happy, and I can do that without hurting people. Being honest is the first step to having a fulfilling life. Going to try to sleep some more now, feel lighter. Much love to everyone, let's all be kind. Life is too short to be cruel PHEW!!! I know that is a lot but getting my thoughts on paper and out of my head really helped my anxiety, and if anyone can relate or take something from this I hope it is helpful. Big love to everybody, Holly
  3. Hi guys, Fairly new to posting here so sorry if I haven't responded to many threads, I've been stuck in my head a lot this week and just looking for support. I still haven't figured out how I feel about my gender dysphoria yet. I know I can say "if I clicked my fingers I would have been born a girl", but I don't think it's something I've ever paid much attention to. In fact, the opposite is true. I always felt not masculine enough. Feminine features, lack of body hair, wide hips etc. I had bad body dysmorphia leading to gynecomastia surgery (which was not necessary) at 17. I don't identify with masculinity at all. In my head, I feel like a woman. I think over the years I have tried to cultivate a schlubby, masculine persona because it feels easy, as though not caring keeps me safe. I never grew up with bad dysphoria, never really cross-dressed or gravitated towards typically "female" activities. In saying that I also never felt comfortable being masculine or a boy. As I've gotten older (I'm now 27) I have felt more and more female, but assumed because I don't fit a stereotype it was my OCD or something. But when think of myself as a girl now I feel euphoric. It's not like the dysphoric obsessions of OCD I have had in the past. Anyway, I brought this up to my partner, whom I love deeply, and has always been supportive. It's going tough though. In my head, I assumed that considering her own bisexuality, gender non-conforming friends and having a trans grandmother it would be less of a big deal. I think she's really upset though. I understand that it is a shock, when we met I suppose I've always presented quite masculine. She knows that mentally I'm pretty non-binary but I think now it's a real thing it is scaring her. I don't want to lose my relationship. She is my soulmate and we are working together through this, but I feel so much shame exploring this and feel like considering I'm not in agony being a man, I should just forget about it to preserve the relationship. Any advice, or similar stories, or just a chat would be really welcome. I'm going to attach a picture of me as I've looked for most of the relationship for context, and then me now with some makeup and a digital wig. I'm not embarrassed for anyone to see me, this is who I am. TLDR: Came out as transfeminine to my girlfriend, didn't go how I expected, now feel guilty and wish I hadn't said anything.
  4. Hi everyone, I just needed a place to type all this out and get it out of my head. On Tuesday morning I made a decision and I took a walk to the park, sat on a bench and wrote out a letter/text to my mom. Coming out to her as non-binary and telling her I was excited about my hrt appointment the next day and made a joke about maybe growing a viking beard. I knew that she wasn't going to take the information well, but often if I'm entertaining to her, it can soften her mood. The not knowing was twisting me up in what-ifs and affecting other (joyful!) parts of my life. A couple notes on my mom: she's mentally ill (legitimately diagnosed) and also a narcissist (I lived with her.) I had some hope that she'd either respond well or just barely acknowledge it because my cousin is trans and she has been very vocal in her support of him. And she's never been exactly curious about my internal life and feelings. However, she said that she doesn't want me "jumping on the bandwagon" because being trans is "popular" right now and that because I wore dresses and corsets to goth shows in high school, I couldn't possibly be making the right decision regarding T or surgery. (I still enjoy dresses, I just hate boobs.) She said that she sees "nothing wrong with me" like she saw with my cousin and that I'm basically being flighty and trendy and I'll change my mind and regret it. She enjoys making me doubt my own mind to bring me around to whatever she wants me to do. She didn't ask my anything about my feelings or thoughts or anything. Just a shut down. It hit me harder than I was expecting it to. I know how she is and I'm still surprised I took it so hard. I didn't answer her and have heard nothing from her since. I'm extremely solid on this, I've felt more comfortable and open and people I've known ~10 years have commented on how much more well I seem to be since being honest and out. Every single friend I have told has been nothing less than completely excited for me including the 2 women I consider sisters. I've taken the week to process and now my main feeling is resignation. It's the final thing where I think, although I still love her, I maybe don't ever want to see this woman again.
  5. The Oldest Problem Child

    Was this healthy?

    My parents discovered a slideshow presentation that discussed my gender and sexual orientation. They found it when going through my history as I wasn't doing that many at home assignments for school during our lockdown. They then yelled at me saying they didn't care about this stuff and I should focus on school. They then gave me 15 minutes to mentally prep coming out to them. After essentially having a mental breakdown as I now had to cram what I was planning on prepping a month or two in advance into 15 minutes. After I gave a short explanation of why I didn't feel ready to come out to them and wasn't really prepared they essentially said well too bad we already saw the presentation. They then spent about an hour explaining that it may just be all in my head and that I'm not really gender fluid and I'm just trying to fit in with my friends (I know one transman thats it). They then stated your to young to really decide anyway. Was this healthy because I feel really hurt. Honestly I'm willing to listen to anyone about this. Also just so people know I am currently doing fine my friends talked me down. p.s. Sorry there if this is a lot to read,
  6. This is the fifth in a Series of reports of the past 6 months of my transitioning. I truly need only this from the Public: No Threats, No Menacing, No Violence. A lot of rudeness is legal; & I refuse to call a little old lady Hitler for rolling her eyes at me in the ladies’ room [No, that hasn’t happened! But, y’know, tomorrow’s a new day, so…]. I’m better than that—even if she clearly isn’t. There is nothing more radical for a transgender person than this: live your truth, never forget to love yourself, & don’t let anyone (including occasionally—& very unfortunately—your own transsisters & transbrothers) get you down!! Taco Bell drive-thru. If you only knew how many minutes of my life have been in these things! I even asked MIT for a tally & all they’d say was: Numbers just don’t go that high! So, I’m head-to-toe presenting, from wig-to-heels. I’m working the voice. No, I’ve never been guilty of Mickey Mouse or Mrs. Doubtfire! Anyhoodles, I was apparently decidedly ambiguous (then, anyway) for my order-taker. I pulled up & unfortunately could hear the guy working the register, even behind those tiny glass & metal double doors separating them from we in our cars. He was leaning way over to his right, away from me, when I caught this: It’s a Man! Yeah. That happened. I felt fairly bad, I confess. On the drive home I recalled those details. He didn’t say it to my face; he was (in his way) attempting to conceal these pointless, mean words from me—this much is clear. Still, it hurt more than a touch. But I was over it an hour or so after I got home. Kroger. This was unusual & complex. It points to my unfortunate talent of being both deeply intuitive & uncannily perceptive (and effortlessly humble, to be sure!! I mean, everyone says so!!). [Moving 30+ times in your life has a way of greatly sharpening your senses, I assure you.] Ruthie & I were in the Kroger parking lot, walking towards its namesake. Their woman security guard—heavyset—was standing outside. As we approached closer, she suddenly turned ‘round, & scampered inside. Once we were inside Ruthie (Anarchist as always) just walked directly through the Self-Checkout section to go inside the store proper. Dutifully I followed, with my apologetic She’s a pistol! But I love her! -expression on my face. As I did there was the security guard, out-of-breath, smiling like having just finished laughing, as she walked past me. There was another woman, younger, a Kroger employee who was the Overseer of the Self-Checkout Area. She was smiling slightly. The whole thing felt…wrong, weird, off. But how? Once we got our stuff we were right back there at Self-Checkout, but separately; Ruthie buying her thing, & me mine. It was then that I looked over & saw the security guard again. She was at her post now, inside obviously, back against the wall, across from Self-Checkout. I looked at her briefly, assessing as my intuition & my rationality had a confab. [Moving 30+ times in your life has a way of greatly sharpening your senses, I assure you.] And then it all hit me. This is what had happened: once she saw me in the parking lot, the security guard just had to tell the Overseer about this transgender woman (doubtless, this was the term deployed, yes?) who was rapidly approaching the entrance! Get a load of this!! In her hurry & with her heft, she was a quite breathy when I walked past her. Plus, with all the chortles & yucks as she informed the Overseer, I’m impressed the poor woman was able to (barely) maintain her composure as she reassumed her post. I was very angry. It felt… INSIDIOUS. Even though her transphobia had been disguised similarly as the Taco Bell guy had been, it really bothered me. I showed nothing, however. As I purchased my groceries, I decided to deliberately lock eyes with her & maintain it as I departed for as long as I could. I did so. My look showed her nothing; no contempt, no hurt, no disgust—for there was no point to, when my stare would suffice. Her face met my face, as I made my way. Only this time I made sure she saw in me The Gaze of The Other. The only point of which was: to make SURE she knew that I KNEW perfectly well what she did, & now? That she KNOWS that I KNOW. Of these two admittedly minor/utterly legal displays of transphobia, as you’d imagine, the final one stayed with me the longest. It haunted me. Or, what it revealed to me, haunted me. Cos it wasn’t her. No. It was this: I’M ENTERTAINMENT. At least, potentially. I’m a possible show for the random rude folks of the world. The “get a load of this man in a dress!!”—guffawing gawkers. That stayed with me. It was during this time of reflection that I came up with the observation regarding rudeness & legality. It was a Reality Check to my heretofore stated ideal of No Menace, No Threats, No Violence. I don’t wanna be full of youknowwhat. I’m here a proud transwoman because of my steadfast refusal to accept the False in my life; and yet, I’ve had tons of it, haven’t I? Talking to Ruthie about the Kroger incident I told her this: 20 years ago? Ok, so I had zero idea I was born a woman. I’m trans & it was news to me. But like I would never be rude to someone—a stranger? Not a buddy? Or a family member, joking around? But a complete stranger? If me then—pseudo-self—had seen a transwoman 20 years ago? I won’t lie. I would’ve thought Oh wow! Guy in a dress! Man, that’s sure weird! I bet he’s got some kinda story, huh? But I would’ve NEVER done anything to that transwoman. NEVER speak. NEVER roll my eyes. ZERO. I would’ve been thinking transphobic crap—no doubt, ok?! But I’d NEVER breached etiquette & done what that security guard did tonight. NO WAY. Ruthie, Mistress of Understatement as always, squeezed my thigh in support & said But, you were raised right. You’re always polite—whether you were your true self or not. But a lot of people aren’t. It’s just this, I’ve decided: WE’RE NEVER NOT NEW. No matter how settled we may be in our places of work, friends, neighbors, families. There’s always the realization that going to a restaurant means DISPLAY. For you are (potentially) ENTERTAINMENT. When you’re cis & other things are equal, the odds are, this isn’t the case. Violet…is growing up. Sigh. But I’m alright with this. Now. But it means understanding & accepting that this I-may-be- Entertainment-for-some-rude-person—potential cannot be extirpated, merely accepted. So, I have: world’s worst Stoic, as I am. Instead, I focus on how I feel & how I look; there’s nothing I can do to truly prevent Random Rudeness. It is legal, so it is accepted. (Micro-Rant: Legally, what truly matters, in my view, are new/or proposed laws, be they bigoted bathroom bills or tortuously trying to stop transkids from safely using puberty-blockers, or seemingly never proposed new laws like laws banning all trans-panic defenses in courtrooms. Ugh! Don’t get me started!). Anyhoodles, to be blunt: I may’ve been actually more offended by the Kroger incident as a lifelong polite person, than as a “baby” transwoman! As Violet's famous rejoinder to Sartre asserts: Hell is not other people, Jean-Paul. Hell is other rude people. ; )
  7. Astrid

    Gender Truth Comes Out

    Gender Truth Comes Out Coming Out: A day that Etched itself forever in my memory. Date. Time. Place. I affirmed, out loud, that I was crossing over what had been a boundary. With new ways of expressing my being, my doing, my appearance. The Me Inside made careful forays of being visible to the You Outside. Coming Out: it inevitably receded into the past. Etched in my memory are the experiences that followed. Dates. Times. Places. I affirmed the precious – my gender identity – to trusted friends. What was formerly new became confidently routine. The Me Inside was consistent and always visible to the You Outside. Coming Out: and so, I continue; I come out into another year. The Swedish language has a phrase that is shared at the end of each December: God fortsättning. Happy continuation. May each of us who continue along the Path of Coming Out affirm that we made the right choice: The Old Me was my Gender Lie. The New Me is my Gender Truth. Peace, Astrid Thanksgiving 2019
  8. TrIIIy

    Mom does not approve

    I came out to my mom about 5 years ago, and from the get go she was appalled. She said that she would never stop loving me, but she did not approve of my being transgender. I realized then that my actual transition would be an uphill battle, especially since I live with her. This past week I was finally approved to start testosterone. I was SO excited! I called the pharmacy and found out that it was covered by my insurance - even better! But when I told my mother, she immediately fell into a depression/suppressed rage. She has been snapping at me about every little thing that I do and sleeping a lot. In short, I feel like a have come out to her a second time because of her reaction. It’s a major downer to my happiness of starting T. I don’t want her to be sad or angry at me, and I know that I’m not doing anything wrong, but it hurts to know that after all this time she is still so disapproving of my transition. Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. -Trey
  9. Hi, I'm new here, I just joined the community. I am very, very happy that I can finally talk about myself. So, this year in January I accidentally came out to my mother as a transgender man. She panicked if I was kidding or not, then started to ask expected questions like "were you sexually assaulted; why do you think you would be happy as a man; why do you think that people will love you as a man; do you like girls or boys etc." I tried to give clear answers to her, but I ended up crying because I didn't even plan to come out, it just happened suddenly. I got stressed and confused incredibly fast. After that she too started to cry, and just stared at me. Later she said let's talk about it some other time. In the summer I started to initiate conversations about this with her, but she either started to cry or fell asleep while I was talking... I know it must be a lot to her, considering I never talked about either myself or anything, really, so everything came out with a force I couldn't control. Not that bad so far. Since then she started to call me by my birthname way more often than before, and calls me with all kinds of -crappy- girlish petnames possible. I want to look over that because she's my mother, she can call me whatever she wants, however much it hurts me. She acts like nothing happened. But when we converse with my sister and this topic comes up, it shows that she's been researching the surgery part of it, but talks away from me. I'm very sad that I can't talk to her, I don't want to break the good relationship we had thus far. I don't know what to do, how to approach her. Can anyone give me advice about this matter? Thank You for your time reading this!
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