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Found 7 results

  1. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  2. Okay, so this is my first time ever doing this... I'm just in search of advice and answers to my millions of questions, scratch that, BILLIONS of questions that can't be answered by textbook definitions, and also friends.. I'm 20 years old and I realized lately that my childhood was not as common as I thought. A vey big part of growing up was surrounded by "phases", as my parents would call it, but I only realize now that I may just be different. I learnt that sexual orientation and identity is very different, things that in my home town we had no education what so ever on, and that completely changed my perspective of my own life. I've always struggled with depression and major anxiety, basically because I never liked my own body because I kept thinking I wasn't beautiful or too fat.. my body parts grossed me out and scared me as in a way someone with coulrophobia see's a clown and is scared -clean bathroom- (fun fact, I am terrified of clowns!). Anyways back to the real story, recently I've been through alot of challenging times, a break up with my boyfriend (with whom I loved for 3 years) and I was forced to come out as transgender to my mother and she did not take it well, family is a very important key of my life, and someone might have ruined it for me cause he told her I was hiding something... did i mention by force !...I was not ready what so ever to tell her, heck im not even sure 100% if this is the trail I want to adventure in, but im like at a safe 99,8% sure this is what I need to be completely free and happy. I have a few friends that knows about me, but not much because from where I am from, people like me are judged and classified as inhuman... It breaks my heart to even think of jugement that could involve myself.. Anyways, thats a brief paragraphe of my wonderful life at the moment, and i guess am in search of some comfort and support. Maybe even a few friends that know how I am feeling looking upon my situation. So yah, thanks for listening ! XD
  3. Makayla2019

    Introducing Makayla

    Hi All, glad to be here, my name is Makayla I am 44 and have just admitted to myself I trans. But that is my challenge and hence why u am really here to help me understand and come to terms with my real gender and to ensure that is really me. I like many many have have grown up since a young boy embracing the love for cross dressing but for me it was confused with a desire for leather and bdsm. It is only really of late that the real desire to present myself to the world as Makayla has become so strong. My desire to pass and to be able to just walk out the door is now at an all time high. But the doubt is and always been this kink or fascination with leather and in particular leather boots but all leather clothing as long as it’s female. I first started wearing my mums and aunt boots at the age of 4 or 5 and I use to love it. I would also wear there big winter jackets and leather gloves and run round the house with joy. I used to be fascinated with my teachers who wore boots. I was transfixed. And it’s never really changed. As I grew into my teens I was still endulging in wearing my mums and now my sisters leather boots and jackets. I used to wear them to bed. I still do. My my first sexual experience however was not related to me wearing boots or women’s outfits. It was related to a desire to be tied up. And this is where it gets complicated. I fee like i have deep desires to be the woman depicted in the literature or movies I was staring to see. I recall me saying to a school primary teacher I wanted to be kidnapped. At the age of 5 !!! dont call the shrink just yet. So so over the years I have explore both sides of my secret and often together. This always led me to think it was all just a fetish. But now I am not so sure. Is it just chance that I am actually trans but with a strong draw to kink. Now when i go shopping or put an outfit together it often involves leather and almost always boots. But as I have become more curious about me being trans; I have had councilling and almost cried when I told her I want to be female !! over the last year or so I have gone out in public and want to do so more and now I am finding I want to dress in anyway I can to be able to have a little bit of femme in my everyday life. I hope that makes some sense hehe. It’s complicated. And whilst I have admitted i am trans I still have doubts due to the strong connection and love for boots and leather. Am I woman who has a leather fetish or a cross dresser who has a leather fetish? i hope to get to meet some new friends ion this journey as I go forward. Hugs M
  4. Hey. So I'm afab, and questioning. I thought for a good while I was definitely FTM. Then after a few months of accepting and coming out to my husband, I went back to feeling just female. Then for a few months, I went back to feeling like a guy. When I'm in guy mode I have these intense needs to flatten my chest, pack, cut off my long hair, and have facial hair. Since early September I havent felt any dysphoria, or need or desire to be/present male.....and I want to? I'm sad that now that I've accepted being Male (at least sometimes) and that has gone away. Also, in girl mode I seem to be asexual. However when I'm in guy mode, I tent to be a more sexual person. Is all of this normal? Thanks in advance for the kind comments.
  5. Hi everyone, I am Natalie. I have felt like I was supposed to have been born female since I was 7 years old. I am now 32. I get these desires or urges to be female and during this times I feel both great happiness and sadness. The happiness comes from getting to be myself, the sadness from when I look in the mirror and realize I don't look how I feel. When I was younger this would come and go like seasons. I would want to be woman and then I wouldn't really care. Lately it has been happening more often and the feeling is stronger. It's like I have a feminine energy that flows and it feels so strong. I have been getting depressed because everytime I have to leave the house I must become male and it does not feel right. Right now I feel like there is a woman trapped deep inside me and she is screaming to come out and she will stop at nothing until she gets her way. I have a wonderful girlfriend who know about my feminine side and let's me be myself but I have never talked with her about wanting to transition. I also work in the public so I have to very careful here in the south. I just need some support and guidance. I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn or what to do. ,Natalie
  6. Hello 😊 My partner recently told me he was a woman and has decided to transition - we are currently not in an area where she feels comfortable to go full time so we are in the process of moving. We have decided to move into two seperate households to make things easier on us, as we also have a 5yr old daughter. Well my partner decided this as, I was rather reserved and unsure on him transitioning. He has taken things into his own hands and is doing it and I respect him for that. My fears are always going to be there, until the end and they can be answered I appreciate that and understand that he is doing this so that they can feel completely happy. She has always been very doubtful of whether or not to do it because I am very unsure on whether the relationship will survive and I believe that he is worried about it also. I'm not attracted to woman, in all honestly I try and avoid them as much as possible. They intimidate me and I haven't really met one woman that I've connected with or has actually liked me 😖 I'm such a loner tbh. I am also very odd when it comes to sudden changes. E.G - my other half used to have to give me three days warning before shaving his face otherwise I have a little melt down, can't use the shower in a new house unless they do first, hair cuts, anything sudden and drastic just freaks me out. She knows this and while I do my best to not freak out when she looks pretty, or like last night - cut herself a fringe in. I complement her and I'm being honest - she does look fantastic. - I feel very awkward and the fears just scream out. I'm not really sure what the point in this post is .. or whether there is an underlying question. I feel awful - like this morning we were getting "sexy" .. and I'd just woke up, (morning sex is great usually). She had on a bra, nice panties and some leggings and a top .. looked sexy if I'm honest. Looked down at myself and ive always had the worst body confidence .. like I despise myself and that's down to years old verbal abuse by family etc. It instantly put me off sex and she thought it was cause of her and no matter how many times I tell her she don't believe me.. I feel terrible for having my own issues when I know that she'd kill to have my body - she's told me plenty of times. That doesn't mean that when I look in the mirror I don't despise it. We do try and communicate as much as possible, which is something that I find very hard anyway as I'm a very closed off person but I understand that relationships don't survive like that. I struggle with his hatered for her body, that doesn't match. I never know what to say or how to make her feel better. She isn't on hormones or anything atm due to our local health cares hoops we have to jump through first. Thank you for this place to rant.
  7. Im a born female but i remember now knowing that theres more than two gender and a possibility of bwing trans that i used to be highly curious in male stuff at a very younge age. I was facinated to learn boys had different parts than i did. Id like to walk around the house shirtless and occasionally curiously pee standing up like i saw the men in movies do it. Id allways hang around the guys like uncles and feel macho and cool and although im allways content with my female family members hanging around the guys had allways felt rigjt especially when id play soccer with my three male buds rushing and clammering to kick it away (i lost a lot but only because my friend landel was freakishly tall, like 5 foot 9 in middle school tall and i was a puny 5 foot.) I also started noticing i never quite felt comforatable ESPECIALLY at serimonies. Those were the worst. I hated weating those stupid dresses and make up and allways long to wear a nice suit and tie instead feeling it was much more neat and easier than shaving my mammoth legs (thanks dad). When i did dress girly i never felt pretty and most times it was to show off to others and kinda validate myself. I would wear booty shorts with my friends because otherwise thwyd tease me and for a while i thought this was normal but i was recollection a lot of what i did what them was influenced by the pressure of trying to fit in and the more i dug deep the more i rwalizes id never truly been content with my appearance. Something was just allways off for some reason. This of course led me to the conclusion that i must be a trans male. The ideas of the word father and beother and son felt nice but something was off again. Now to predasess this i dont have much stuff to experiment with atm. I dont have a proper binder or packer or many masculine clothes. Dont have any makeup experience to excentuate my male features so i allways look feminine esc but theres allways a sense of consfusion especially around my breats. Ill look at the bra in the mirror and halfway cringe but faintly kinda like it, ever so slightly. I hate everything else, would prefer to have male parts below the line on all accounts and if the chance was given and bottom surgery was fantastic id get it changed in a snap but as i look at my breasts i cant decide what the hell i think of them. This goes into other apsects like when i picture myself at times its a girl and like right now while five minutes ago that image was okay i dispise it again wanting to hurl at the simple consept of shorts and halter tops, without a flat chest that is. This could come down to sexuality and style i suppose. Im pretty gay but i can see myself dating anyone really and do get attracted to women all be it less frequently than men so perhaps im just having a moment of attracction, like my style of girl i make myself is a type im attracted to or if im kinda idk agender of kinda gender mixed. I did see a study that trans women have brains that are organized like females and trans men tend to have an inbetween. Not male but a mixture between the typical male and female brain set up so maybe thats my case? I have no clue and it gets frusterating because i want to come out. I want to be certain and tell everyone and get the transition going and be content with whatever pride flag i end up holding but i cant find thw one that fits me. I cant fit anywhere at all entirely and everytime i get close something changes again and theres doubts. Is this normal? Is there any ways i can learn what i actually am and atop having to do quiz after quiz trying to find something out about myself. What the hell am i?
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