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  1. Hi everybody, I've been lurking around Forums for a while and tried to read up on other people's experiences with figuring out their gender identity. I turned 27 last year and started questioning shortly before my birthday and since then everything just seems so much clearer to me, but still I have a lot of doubts and am very confused. I already made an appointment with a therapist and I hope that will help me, but that's only in 2 months and every night I just keep lying awake and my mind is racing. I guess I am just gonna write out my story and maybe some people will recognize themselves or have similar experiences? Here it goes! So the reason I started questioning was that I saw an ad on my computer for a binder, no idea why it was shown to me, but it just popped up. I've been struggling with my chest ever since I can remember, constantly buying new minimizing bras, always on the look out for the one bra that will make my chest really small or unnoticeable, but since I have D cups that never really worked and so I just stumble through life uncomfortable, especially in the summers. My mum once told me she thinks I have a trauma because when puberty started I couldn't handle my body changing so fast and girls making fun of me (probably were jealous, now that I think about it) about my breasts. My red threat was that I always planned on getting breast reduction surgery, once I earn enough money, but so far that hasn't happened. I guess I just kind of accepted that I am just uncomfortable with my bodyshape and that I need to learn to love myself and I really tried!! I am really fit and I know I have an objectively great body, but even though I know that, there are moments where I just feel so disconnected to my body and feel uncomfortable as soon as people say something about my female attributes. The one thing that stands out to me and which is my biggest concern, is dating and being intimate. When I was about 11/12 I had a couple of friends that I role played with and with that one girl we were basically high school students who fell in love with each other. We got pretty intimate and I remember I didn't mind it and actually kinda liked it, but what I recently realized is that I always played a boy! I guess that looking back I could call it my first sexual encounter. AND MY LAST! After puberty, every time I dated someone and felt like I wanted to get close to them, I just get this super uncomfortable feeling like they are not really looking at my body and they couldn't possibly like me. I feel disconnected to myself in these situations and don't want to imagine myself (in my body) having sex. I thought I am asexual for the longest time, so I wouldn't have to deal with it and just accepted that I'd always feel like. But I started dating this girl, who is also asexual, 6 months ago and even though we don't have sex or get intimate too much and I do really like her, I still get this feeling about my body and feel wrong when people talk about us being girlfriends. So I just decided that this is the year I finally figure out whats going on, because I owe it to myself to have a chance to live my best life, and up till now I just feel like I've been living half a life and wasted a lot of time. I also noticed that I escape a lot from ordinary life, I am sometimes unable to get out of bed and just don't want to live my life, so I just read A LOT! I also daydream a lot about several universes I created in my head (does anyone do this or am I just weird??) and I realized that I am always dreaming in the POV of men. So I guess, I am just super confused!!! There are a lot of signs that make me feel like I am not cis, but since I've lived like this for 27 years I feel like I am just imagining things and just need to get over my body issues, which is what people have been telling me forever!!! Sorry for the super long rant! I just needed to get this off my chest. Sam :)
  2. Kriss

    New member

    Hello everyone, I'm new and wanted to say Hi. I'm mostly here to get advice and find like minded support. I'm 44. Born male. Been married and divorced twice. Crossdressed on and off my whole life. I've gone through pretty intense periods of questioning my gender. The crossdressing is definitely more than a fetish, though there's an element of that tied in. In between these periods of time I would be completely comfortable being male. The back and forth of feeling feminine and masculine seems to increase as I get older. Now at 44 I'm engaged again and decided to come completely clean with my fiance. She's been amazingly supportive, and even surprised me with some clothes. She says it helps that she's bisexual and has some gender issues as well. Its given us both a chance to explore. I think I've settled on genderfluid as a description of what I am. The back and forth is sometimes daily at this point. Today for instance, I'm in my office at work looking like any other guy but feel completely disconnected from my body. As if it wasn't even mine. Yesterday , no such problems. In exploring all of this I recently started clean shaving everything neck down and have been experimenting with cloths. I have no desire to transition as I have as many comfortably masculine days as fem. I guess my plan, such as it is will be to dress at home on days that I feel that desire. A desire that gets pretty overwhelming sometimes. I wish I had found language for all of this earlier in life. I guess what I'm looking for here is guidance and support. This is all pretty confusing to be dealing with at 44. Lol Thanks in advance, and I'll see you I'm the forums.
  3. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  4. Okay, so this is my first time ever doing this... I'm just in search of advice and answers to my millions of questions, scratch that, BILLIONS of questions that can't be answered by textbook definitions, and also friends.. I'm 20 years old and I realized lately that my childhood was not as common as I thought. A vey big part of growing up was surrounded by "phases", as my parents would call it, but I only realize now that I may just be different. I learnt that sexual orientation and identity is very different, things that in my home town we had no education what so ever on, and that completely changed my perspective of my own life. I've always struggled with depression and major anxiety, basically because I never liked my own body because I kept thinking I wasn't beautiful or too fat.. my body parts grossed me out and scared me as in a way someone with coulrophobia see's a clown and is scared -clean bathroom- (fun fact, I am terrified of clowns!). Anyways back to the real story, recently I've been through alot of challenging times, a break up with my boyfriend (with whom I loved for 3 years) and I was forced to come out as transgender to my mother and she did not take it well, family is a very important key of my life, and someone might have ruined it for me cause he told her I was hiding something... did i mention by force !...I was not ready what so ever to tell her, heck im not even sure 100% if this is the trail I want to adventure in, but im like at a safe 99,8% sure this is what I need to be completely free and happy. I have a few friends that knows about me, but not much because from where I am from, people like me are judged and classified as inhuman... It breaks my heart to even think of jugement that could involve myself.. Anyways, thats a brief paragraphe of my wonderful life at the moment, and i guess am in search of some comfort and support. Maybe even a few friends that know how I am feeling looking upon my situation. So yah, thanks for listening ! XD
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