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Found 5 results

  1. Kriss

    New member

    Hello everyone, I'm new and wanted to say Hi. I'm mostly here to get advice and find like minded support. I'm 44. Born male. Been married and divorced twice. Crossdressed on and off my whole life. I've gone through pretty intense periods of questioning my gender. The crossdressing is definitely more than a fetish, though there's an element of that tied in. In between these periods of time I would be completely comfortable being male. The back and forth of feeling feminine and masculine seems to increase as I get older. Now at 44 I'm engaged again and decided to come completely clean with my fiance. She's been amazingly supportive, and even surprised me with some clothes. She says it helps that she's bisexual and has some gender issues as well. Its given us both a chance to explore. I think I've settled on genderfluid as a description of what I am. The back and forth is sometimes daily at this point. Today for instance, I'm in my office at work looking like any other guy but feel completely disconnected from my body. As if it wasn't even mine. Yesterday , no such problems. In exploring all of this I recently started clean shaving everything neck down and have been experimenting with cloths. I have no desire to transition as I have as many comfortably masculine days as fem. I guess my plan, such as it is will be to dress at home on days that I feel that desire. A desire that gets pretty overwhelming sometimes. I wish I had found language for all of this earlier in life. I guess what I'm looking for here is guidance and support. This is all pretty confusing to be dealing with at 44. Lol Thanks in advance, and I'll see you I'm the forums.
  2. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  3. Okay, so this is my first time ever doing this... I'm just in search of advice and answers to my millions of questions, scratch that, BILLIONS of questions that can't be answered by textbook definitions, and also friends.. I'm 20 years old and I realized lately that my childhood was not as common as I thought. A vey big part of growing up was surrounded by "phases", as my parents would call it, but I only realize now that I may just be different. I learnt that sexual orientation and identity is very different, things that in my home town we had no education what so ever on, and that completely changed my perspective of my own life. I've always struggled with depression and major anxiety, basically because I never liked my own body because I kept thinking I wasn't beautiful or too fat.. my body parts grossed me out and scared me as in a way someone with coulrophobia see's a clown and is scared -clean bathroom- (fun fact, I am terrified of clowns!). Anyways back to the real story, recently I've been through alot of challenging times, a break up with my boyfriend (with whom I loved for 3 years) and I was forced to come out as transgender to my mother and she did not take it well, family is a very important key of my life, and someone might have ruined it for me cause he told her I was hiding something... did i mention by force !...I was not ready what so ever to tell her, heck im not even sure 100% if this is the trail I want to adventure in, but im like at a safe 99,8% sure this is what I need to be completely free and happy. I have a few friends that knows about me, but not much because from where I am from, people like me are judged and classified as inhuman... It breaks my heart to even think of jugement that could involve myself.. Anyways, thats a brief paragraphe of my wonderful life at the moment, and i guess am in search of some comfort and support. Maybe even a few friends that know how I am feeling looking upon my situation. So yah, thanks for listening ! XD
  4. Makayla2019

    Introducing Makayla

    Hi All, glad to be here, my name is Makayla I am 44 and have just admitted to myself I trans. But that is my challenge and hence why u am really here to help me understand and come to terms with my real gender and to ensure that is really me. I like many many have have grown up since a young boy embracing the love for cross dressing but for me it was confused with a desire for leather and bdsm. It is only really of late that the real desire to present myself to the world as Makayla has become so strong. My desire to pass and to be able to just walk out the door is now at an all time high. But the doubt is and always been this kink or fascination with leather and in particular leather boots but all leather clothing as long as it’s female. I first started wearing my mums and aunt boots at the age of 4 or 5 and I use to love it. I would also wear there big winter jackets and leather gloves and run round the house with joy. I used to be fascinated with my teachers who wore boots. I was transfixed. And it’s never really changed. As I grew into my teens I was still endulging in wearing my mums and now my sisters leather boots and jackets. I used to wear them to bed. I still do. My my first sexual experience however was not related to me wearing boots or women’s outfits. It was related to a desire to be tied up. And this is where it gets complicated. I fee like i have deep desires to be the woman depicted in the literature or movies I was staring to see. I recall me saying to a school primary teacher I wanted to be kidnapped. At the age of 5 !!! dont call the shrink just yet. So so over the years I have explore both sides of my secret and often together. This always led me to think it was all just a fetish. But now I am not so sure. Is it just chance that I am actually trans but with a strong draw to kink. Now when i go shopping or put an outfit together it often involves leather and almost always boots. But as I have become more curious about me being trans; I have had councilling and almost cried when I told her I want to be female !! over the last year or so I have gone out in public and want to do so more and now I am finding I want to dress in anyway I can to be able to have a little bit of femme in my everyday life. I hope that makes some sense hehe. It’s complicated. And whilst I have admitted i am trans I still have doubts due to the strong connection and love for boots and leather. Am I woman who has a leather fetish or a cross dresser who has a leather fetish? i hope to get to meet some new friends ion this journey as I go forward. Hugs M
  5. Hey. So I'm afab, and questioning. I thought for a good while I was definitely FTM. Then after a few months of accepting and coming out to my husband, I went back to feeling just female. Then for a few months, I went back to feeling like a guy. When I'm in guy mode I have these intense needs to flatten my chest, pack, cut off my long hair, and have facial hair. Since early September I havent felt any dysphoria, or need or desire to be/present male.....and I want to? I'm sad that now that I've accepted being Male (at least sometimes) and that has gone away. Also, in girl mode I seem to be asexual. However when I'm in guy mode, I tent to be a more sexual person. Is all of this normal? Thanks in advance for the kind comments.
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