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Showing results for tags 'depression'.
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TRIGGER WARNING: GENDER DYSPHORIA/ DEPRESSION/ SUICIDE Please don't read this if you're vulnerable. "And when someone asks me if that was a cry for help, I say no because I told no one. You only cry for help if you believe there's help to cry for." This not a cry because I know deep inside that there's no help out there for me. Hi ! My name is Alaa. I'm 20. And I'm transgender ftm. I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria my whole life. And Iive in one of the most transphobic countries ( a Muslim country in north Africa). Most people here will live their entire lives without hearing the word transgender. They don't know about us and they manage to hate us. The irony. It's nearly impossible for me to get help. When I tried I was humiliated by my therapist. I can't come out to anyone. My parents will probably go crazy if I do and it will break their hearts and they'll torture me to change. Additionally, I risk getting persecuted and I can end up in jail. I can't get out of here and even if I do, for what? I can't leave my parents and my friends behind. I love them. I can't break their hearts. I would rather die than be a source of pain and shame to them. Not after all the beautiful things they did to me. This whole situation is unfair. I really wish things were different but they're not. And nothing is going to change. I hate myself. What in the hell did I do to deserve all this?
I'm tired of fighting. I'm fighting right now as I type this only because it's become such a habit. The coping skills I had to learn to get comfortable with and practice have become instinct. I guess you could say I'm pretty far in my "recovery" for that . But that's the thing I don't want to cope anymore. I just want to let go, just fall away. I try so -censored- hard to pretend that desire isn't there anymore and that I'm "changed" but it's there. I keep forgetting that it built a home inside me. And even tho I keep the door shut, is still standing and it always finds a way out; my desire to let go. close my eyes, disappear. I fight it whenever it comes up but -expletive-. I'm starting to wonder why I even fight anymore. I used to ask myself this all the time and it's scaring me that I'm asking myself this again. It really is. I want it all to go away. I don't know why I wrote this here. It's not fair to put this on you guys I just... I can't tell my family they'll think I'm "bad" again. Or unsafe again. I don't want them to worry. -Trevor
Just to start off no, im not about to kill myself here and now. Im just fine right now i havent even self harmed but this year ive been having thoughts. I guess i've allways been depressed and kinda hate myself and three years of isolation has not been good for mental state but i am getting concerned. I dont think i'd off and do it now but more and more suicide has been to me a feasable option. Like a kind of plan c and im scared that eventually it might go up to plan a if anything goes wrong. I've thought about nooses, even tested what it'd feel like by strangling myself with a piece of rope until i could hardly breathe and my head felt like it was gonna explode before letting go. I dont know how to handle these thoughts either. My family is having a rough time and i dont want to bring up my mental problems and have them worried on it and if i told my therapist i know she'd want to tell my mother and i dont want that either but i have to stop it somehow. I've never had this many dark thoughts and before they never scared me just felt like healthy what if statements where i would wonder what would happen if i did not how i could do it but now im worried i might do it and that the only reason i havent is because i dont want to scare my family by them walking in on my body but if i were living on my own somewhere i think that maybe i would or at the very least i might find it a lot more feasable than now. What should i do?
Hi, there! I am not sure if I am on the right forum to share this, I am not sure if I am suicidal... I am stubborn and this is one of the reasons I am still alive Yesterday, I asked myself a rhetoric question: What will I do if I have the opportunity to go back in 10 years? The answer was: I will finish myself! I am having a really hard time and no one to tell.I can tell how I feel to my boyfriend, because I don't want to give him this burden as well... and he will panicked. He hides his thoughts from me, too and he share it in the most unexpected moment with someone, in front of me... I can share this with my therapist, because I am not comfort yet. I am not sure that she will help me at all with my transition, with letters, etc. I am alone in this! Not for the first time! Two-three days ago I rejected an offer to appear on TGEU's Council Conference and today I share it with my boyfriend, we are both involved in a TG support group meetings and we are having this group, just because I don't feel like I am ready for something that big! Maybe I am letting some people down. Maybe I am a traitor for my community. Maybe I really don't deserve to live! But here I am! Instead of planning how to die, I am here crying and writing about my stupidity as always! I feel myself HATED! By so many people! My neighbors here in Sofia, they are constantly insulting me and blame for my distance to them, for our two dogs barking. People on the street are laughing at me, just because they are sensing my difference (I am not living as the desired gender, because it's just dangerous in here, I want to be a little bit passable and actually I don't really need to wear a dress to be myself). Maybe I am paranoid, at some level! Sometimes, I am questioning what I am hearing, because I am afraid! However, at this point I feel like I am not belonging nowhere! That I am living out of my time (crazy)! So lonely! I just need to share this, even in here, where no one related to me will read it! Please, reply with advises! Just send some ❤️ Thank you, for your attention! Sorry for wasting your time... Love and respect! Shell