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This is my first post and only one facet of a much larger life experience. Hopefully this is the appropriate place. This became much larger than I thought so feel free to scroll down to the last part if it's boring. Anyway, I'm trying to understand an experience I have recently had. Some background: I have had depression for many years and have been on medications. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there is youth full of violence, broken family, not neurotypical (diagnosed on the spectrum at 25 when the world realized it was a thing). I have also had times of feeling gender curious a secret desire to experience being more feminine and female which I have always been in the closet for due to many specifics in my life. This included some instances of cross dressing alone at home before I was married almost 15 years ago. I don't recall any clue of gender stuff during childhood though. Was not around girls much though. Currently I'm in a stable marriage with a young child and a stable job quickly closing in on 20 years. My wife very traditional in the areas of sexuality, sex, and gender. I have brought up my secret to my wife a few times over the years and was told things like she would have to divorce me if I became a woman because she does not consider her self a lesbian and also that I would not be an attractive woman. This despite only bringing up desires to explore but not mentioning a full transition. She wouldn't want to be with me in public like that as well out of fear of it getting to internet and embarrassing her. She mentioned issues with our child being exposed to me like that. She has also been clear relating to sex that she can only be satisfied with my penis and not a dildo, even if I am working it while giving her full attention to her pleasure spots. (she also complains that she feels like all she is is a hole hole to me sometimes). My job has always been heavy on toxic masculinity from top to bottom, but the entire industry is like this, so no escape. It's also a nice solid middle class living for nearly 20 years where I regularly outperform all my coworkers without even trying hard but going in as anything other than a manly man could be disastrous. Healthwise, in recent years my I gained 40 pounds and went through a long period of heavy drinking. Both are known to increase estrogen. I kind of snapped out of it and cut my drinking off within the past couple weeks and noticed that my breasts were a little larger than I remembered. I felt weirdly good and at peace with this, even if, as a man, I should have been freaked out and scared. This reawakened something. Life can be short and I still go into work as my job relates to critical equipment and corporate assets. No working from home, but I could be killed by covid19 considering how often I get pneumonia without it. Now to the point. I ordered women's underwear which ended up fitting my body and nearly A cup breasts perfectly. I also felt the need to experience serious estrogen, just to know vs never knowing. I know people are supposed to work only with doctors, please don't shame me for this (if anyone actually does read this far without getting bored). So I ordered some estriol cream, then last Friday morning I applied a very small amount of it to my scrotum in front of each testicle. I repeated the next two days and then stopped. I'm trying to figure out if such an acute reaction is possible or if most of it was in head, and also if I am on the road to addiction. Observed effects: I work afternoons and felt less aggressive than normal driving in and driving style a little different. Arrived at work feeling slightly buzzy and coworkers that I usually feel disgusted with, reading to critique, and eager to get away from instead gave me a pleasant feeling to see them and I cheerfully chatted with them and smiled. I usually feel little emotion but grump. As night went on emotions and thoughts were happy with euphoric sensations minus brain fog of antidepressants on the Marijuana I used heavily in youth. Coordination was normal. Nipples hard and Ballsack almost painfully tight. Energy was high. That night I opened to my wife like not in years and did the same. The next day, ballsack more comfortable. Wife noticed my mood difference and questioned me, which I sidestepped answering. Good times with wife and daughter and no hint of my normal groggy, cold, aloof depression. More conversations that night. Lots of energy. Third day the same, continuing a kind of deep happy I hadn't experienced since I don't know when. Got my wife to exchange oral with nipples which was weirdly as good as the penis sex. Fourth and fifth days, off of the estriol and lower energy, less engaged and cheerful, sadness seeping back in. Are acute physical effects like this possible? Did I get myself addicted to estrogen? Do I need to consider transition and risk losing my career, family, and home?
Lately I’ve been in a depression spiral and can’t seem to break it. Work has changed my route so I’m working 12-14 hr days. I am so tired that when I get home I have no energy to do anything to make myself feel pretty. Body hair has been a major trigger for me and I haven’t even had time or energy to shave my face in a couple days. I just don’t know what to do. Right now I’m in a cycle of eat, sleep, work. Barely even see my kids. Sorry for the long depression post, just venting.