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  1. Trigger warning: dysphoria Hi friends! I'm starting to accept my identity but I'm not sure yet and I really lack resources where I live. So I have some questions if you don't mind me asking. I have mostly chest dysphoria and long hair makes me feel very bad. Also I really want to have a penis and I always fantasize about being a guy and transitioning. I hate people using female pronouns for me and I don't feel like a woman AT ALL. Is that enough to sure of my identity? Are these common feelings among trans people? It's not a phase because I've had these feelings for years now but now that I'm fully aware of it, my dysphoria is crippling. I really want to be sure of my gender identity so any ideas, tips are welcomed. Therapy is not really an option where I live .
  2. Hi guys, I'm 17 yo and have been living confortably with my identity since I came out to my friends and mother (even though she rejects me), but I'm finally planning on living with my older brother (who I'm still not prepared to come out yet, but has showed signals that he already knows and supports me) and start working as a comic artist next year. Which means I'm starting to think about taking part in contests, winning the most I can and saving money for my chest surgery (which is the most urgent, since it has grown quite a bit these past years and have been a real problem for me to pass normally), at least until I can try a japanese government scholarship. I really want to do it before going to college, since I don't know how things will be for me as a trans person in a scholarship of a kinda strict country such as Japan. But, now that I realized how close it is, I'm starting to feel scared. My father used to abuse physically of my mother when I was really tiny, and I watched everything, until he stopped (even though I don't remember a thing). I think that's the reason why I was always hugely scared of getting hurt, violence, fights, arguements, etc. I really hate pain and fights. I'm starting to get over it, letting myself feel pain more frequently without thinking of it as death, but it's still really hard for me. Anyways, I realized that I think the most about how it'll hurt. I wanted to ask to my therapist about it, but he doesn't listen to me properly and will probably say non sense stuff, as always. And I really don't want to argue with him again. I'm also really worried that I might regret it later. My mother is always saying about how I will regret everything. And I'm not a really secure person, I rarely trust my own judgement. So, it's not rare to fear that I'll regret a decision. I'm also trying to imagine how it'll be once I get the chest surgery, if I could feel comfortable even during sex, but it's been difficult even to imagine it. I had lots of awful experiences as a transgender and I think it might influence that. Plus, I already tried imagining myself as a girl, being treated as a "she", but it really freaks me out. I really hate it. I think I might just not be prepared, but I don't know, as I said, I don't trust my own judgement. I'm scared in the end my mother was right and I'm not really trans. Or that I will regret everything. Idk. Thanks for reading.
  3. JTCaterpillar

    Mildly distressed Heyo!

    Hello from Louisiana, everyone! I have a lot to say so if you don't mind I'll go ahead and start.. I bought a sports bra today. It was $2 from someone on Letgo. My desire to go back in time to be born female is probably the greatest wish I've ever had. I know I prayed that it would happen almost every day from the time I was 6 to when I was like, 12. I grew my hair out to my shoulder blades and it was funny, because people would actually always mistake me as female and I would indignantly correct them. Yet, I would secretly, when no one else was around, tie my hair back in laughably bad ponytails and try to figure how the hell to make mascara look pretty. I never felt comfortable during those years because I was so dedicated to my long hair, but I was so unsettled by my wishes. My father figure was a big beefy man's man who was a Marine and a punk rock drummer. He proved to ultimately be a scumbag but he instilled a sense of manhood in me that I want to improve on. He imposed that classic toxic masculinity while emotionally abusing me and my alcoholic mother. Chin up, sit down, don't cry, grow up, and *grow some -censored- balls.* His constant letdowns created so much inner turmoil in me, and even so, it impacted me. I feel like it's something I have to do.. to be a better man than he ever was. I fantasize about finally growing facial hair (even though now, at 19 it has yet to fully come in yet), and even being a father one day. I want to be strong. I want to be strong *and* retain my sensitivity. Despite this, I feel a dreadful discontentment towards my own sex. I've always felt uncomfortable with my penis and I've never enjoyed its performance. I feel that phantom vagina, that so many other trans people have felt. I still have that wish I've always had, to be born female. It's been this way all my life, just typical suffering. So I bought the sports bra. I've worn it all day and I've felt so happy. I used to be so utterly ashamed. Last week I drunkenly came out to my friends on Twitter that I've always had these feelings about wanting to be female. I received lots of support, but I regretted the admittance, and really considered deleting the tweet altogether when one friend actively held a 1-on-1 conversation with me about my pronouns in our big active Discord. I was secretly incredibly happy to be so open about it but it stressed me out a lot as well. It helped me find solace in that decision, however. I don't know what I want to be. I am a writer, and someone who wants to strive towards a life of meaning over happiness. I still love punk rock more than anything even though the one who showed me the world proved to be my greatest demon. I'm pretty sure I know *who* I want to be. But I'm so utterly lost! I know a therapist is the one to discuss with on this matter. But this is America, and I live on my own. Rent is the priority. I think I am asking for advice, or encouragement. Maybe I just want someone to tell me one way or the other, but we all know how foolish that is. Regardless, I'm planning to join the Navy for 4 years in order to fund my college goals, so I may resort myself to the closet until I'm 24 out of pure necessity.. and that's an utter downer. At least I can have more time to really look within myself and solve my dilemma. I hope you all have a great evening. Thank you so much for reading. THAT means quite a lot to me.
  4. Hey guys! Haven't been on here in awhile but I hope all you beautiful people are doing well. I've been okay... Been deadnamed a lot lately being that my grandmother flew out from Michigan for the holidays. It was amazing to see her but I had to remain in the closet. idk lately I kind of feel more and more dysphoric? it kind of went from not even knowing if I was trans because of my lack of dysphoria and having euphoria instead, to catching myself feeling more and more dysphoric as the months go on. My parents refused to call me Trevor from the very get-go and while it did hurt, their utter disapproval hurt worse. Now I can't stand hearing my deadname. I can't stand dealing with the fact that they have decided to pass my identity off as a phase just because I've grown tired of begging them to call me Trevor. I even agreed to go by Ethan as my first name because it was one my mom said she liked yet she STILL won't call me anything but my deadname. It bothers me every day. I find myself hating myself in ways I hadn't before. I just... I don't understand how I could go from "no" dysphoria or at least not to the extent that consumed me to this? Am I speaking it into existence? have any of you experienced this? Trevor x Ps happy (late) holidays! I hope all had some place warm to go 💕
  5. Hey sooo... A few months ago I came here saying I think I might be trans and have experimented and realized that I feel amazing identifying as a male. I got called "he" by some girl that didn't even know I was trans (or identified as male) on Halloween and it made me feel amazing. But lately I've been feeling a strong sense of... Shame? I think? Or maybe it's dysphoria but every time someone, my sister for example, calls me he or by my name (Trevor) I just get angry I just...I don't feel good. I even got angry and impulsively told her to call me my birthname. (I later told her to call me Trevor again) but I'm just confused at my own emotions. ? The reason I say it might be dysphoria is bc it somehow started to make me feel worse like I knew that it didn't fit my appearance and that it's almost humorous and that made me really angry. I just.... I came on this site bc of the intense shame and suppression I was feeling when I started questioning and this site gave me peace but now the shame came back and I get embarrassed when ppl call me Trevor in public bc I know I don't "pass" enough. I don't know. I feel -crappy-. At this point in not even worried about others acceptance now but my own. IT was disappointing to realize I still haven't fully accepted myself. I don't know maybe I'm just feeling dysphoria?? I have such a strong to order a packer rn too.... Guys please let me know if u identify with these feelings or if this is dysphoria or something. I really need help identifying my emotions. It would mean the world and it DOES mean the world. Thank you. - Trevor
  6. hmillerrr

    Dysphoria; what exactly is it?

    Okay hi. So through out my self discovery as ftm I've started looking back at my childhood in ways I hadn't before and I'm noticing things that show signs of being trans from the very beginning. Things such as picking up dandelions and wishing to be a boy, laying in bed at night and saying I wish to wake up as a boy, etc. But I'm told by my family that I'm not trans because I don't have dysphoria or at least not in the ways they've heard it or seen it and it got me questioning myself. And I just want some help on what dysphoria really is. I don't really mean the definition or anything but signs. What are some things you guys have experienced? Because I'm pretty sure I have struggled with dysphoria my whole life and just didn't know it and I find that I still don't 100% know it/ or fully understand how I'm feeling. What are signs (idk what right word to use) of dysphoria that often goes unnoticed or is not easily identified? Thank you for any response, I could really use it. -Trevor
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