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  1. Hi guys, I'm 17 yo and have been living confortably with my identity since I came out to my friends and mother (even though she rejects me), but I'm finally planning on living with my older brother (who I'm still not prepared to come out yet, but has showed signals that he already knows and supports me) and start working as a comic artist next year. Which means I'm starting to think about taking part in contests, winning the most I can and saving money for my chest surgery (which is the most urgent, since it has grown quite a bit these past years and have been a real problem for me to pass normally), at least until I can try a japanese government scholarship. I really want to do it before going to college, since I don't know how things will be for me as a trans person in a scholarship of a kinda strict country such as Japan. But, now that I realized how close it is, I'm starting to feel scared. My father used to abuse physically of my mother when I was really tiny, and I watched everything, until he stopped (even though I don't remember a thing). I think that's the reason why I was always hugely scared of getting hurt, violence, fights, arguements, etc. I really hate pain and fights. I'm starting to get over it, letting myself feel pain more frequently without thinking of it as death, but it's still really hard for me. Anyways, I realized that I think the most about how it'll hurt. I wanted to ask to my therapist about it, but he doesn't listen to me properly and will probably say non sense stuff, as always. And I really don't want to argue with him again. I'm also really worried that I might regret it later. My mother is always saying about how I will regret everything. And I'm not a really secure person, I rarely trust my own judgement. So, it's not rare to fear that I'll regret a decision. I'm also trying to imagine how it'll be once I get the chest surgery, if I could feel comfortable even during sex, but it's been difficult even to imagine it. I had lots of awful experiences as a transgender and I think it might influence that. Plus, I already tried imagining myself as a girl, being treated as a "she", but it really freaks me out. I really hate it. I think I might just not be prepared, but I don't know, as I said, I don't trust my own judgement. I'm scared in the end my mother was right and I'm not really trans. Or that I will regret everything. Idk. Thanks for reading.
  2. JTCaterpillar

    Mildly distressed Heyo!

    Hello from Louisiana, everyone! I have a lot to say so if you don't mind I'll go ahead and start.. I bought a sports bra today. It was $2 from someone on Letgo. My desire to go back in time to be born female is probably the greatest wish I've ever had. I know I prayed that it would happen almost every day from the time I was 6 to when I was like, 12. I grew my hair out to my shoulder blades and it was funny, because people would actually always mistake me as female and I would indignantly correct them. Yet, I would secretly, when no one else was around, tie my hair back in laughably bad ponytails and try to figure how the hell to make mascara look pretty. I never felt comfortable during those years because I was so dedicated to my long hair, but I was so unsettled by my wishes. My father figure was a big beefy man's man who was a Marine and a punk rock drummer. He proved to ultimately be a scumbag but he instilled a sense of manhood in me that I want to improve on. He imposed that classic toxic masculinity while emotionally abusing me and my alcoholic mother. Chin up, sit down, don't cry, grow up, and *grow some -censored- balls.* His constant letdowns created so much inner turmoil in me, and even so, it impacted me. I feel like it's something I have to do.. to be a better man than he ever was. I fantasize about finally growing facial hair (even though now, at 19 it has yet to fully come in yet), and even being a father one day. I want to be strong. I want to be strong *and* retain my sensitivity. Despite this, I feel a dreadful discontentment towards my own sex. I've always felt uncomfortable with my penis and I've never enjoyed its performance. I feel that phantom vagina, that so many other trans people have felt. I still have that wish I've always had, to be born female. It's been this way all my life, just typical suffering. So I bought the sports bra. I've worn it all day and I've felt so happy. I used to be so utterly ashamed. Last week I drunkenly came out to my friends on Twitter that I've always had these feelings about wanting to be female. I received lots of support, but I regretted the admittance, and really considered deleting the tweet altogether when one friend actively held a 1-on-1 conversation with me about my pronouns in our big active Discord. I was secretly incredibly happy to be so open about it but it stressed me out a lot as well. It helped me find solace in that decision, however. I don't know what I want to be. I am a writer, and someone who wants to strive towards a life of meaning over happiness. I still love punk rock more than anything even though the one who showed me the world proved to be my greatest demon. I'm pretty sure I know *who* I want to be. But I'm so utterly lost! I know a therapist is the one to discuss with on this matter. But this is America, and I live on my own. Rent is the priority. I think I am asking for advice, or encouragement. Maybe I just want someone to tell me one way or the other, but we all know how foolish that is. Regardless, I'm planning to join the Navy for 4 years in order to fund my college goals, so I may resort myself to the closet until I'm 24 out of pure necessity.. and that's an utter downer. At least I can have more time to really look within myself and solve my dilemma. I hope you all have a great evening. Thank you so much for reading. THAT means quite a lot to me.
  3. Hey guys! Haven't been on here in awhile but I hope all you beautiful people are doing well. I've been okay... Been deadnamed a lot lately being that my grandmother flew out from Michigan for the holidays. It was amazing to see her but I had to remain in the closet. idk lately I kind of feel more and more dysphoric? it kind of went from not even knowing if I was trans because of my lack of dysphoria and having euphoria instead, to catching myself feeling more and more dysphoric as the months go on. My parents refused to call me Trevor from the very get-go and while it did hurt, their utter disapproval hurt worse. Now I can't stand hearing my deadname. I can't stand dealing with the fact that they have decided to pass my identity off as a phase just because I've grown tired of begging them to call me Trevor. I even agreed to go by Ethan as my first name because it was one my mom said she liked yet she STILL won't call me anything but my deadname. It bothers me every day. I find myself hating myself in ways I hadn't before. I just... I don't understand how I could go from "no" dysphoria or at least not to the extent that consumed me to this? Am I speaking it into existence? have any of you experienced this? Trevor x Ps happy (late) holidays! I hope all had some place warm to go 💕
  4. Hey sooo... A few months ago I came here saying I think I might be trans and have experimented and realized that I feel amazing identifying as a male. I got called "he" by some girl that didn't even know I was trans (or identified as male) on Halloween and it made me feel amazing. But lately I've been feeling a strong sense of... Shame? I think? Or maybe it's dysphoria but every time someone, my sister for example, calls me he or by my name (Trevor) I just get angry I just...I don't feel good. I even got angry and impulsively told her to call me my birthname. (I later told her to call me Trevor again) but I'm just confused at my own emotions. ? The reason I say it might be dysphoria is bc it somehow started to make me feel worse like I knew that it didn't fit my appearance and that it's almost humorous and that made me really angry. I just.... I came on this site bc of the intense shame and suppression I was feeling when I started questioning and this site gave me peace but now the shame came back and I get embarrassed when ppl call me Trevor in public bc I know I don't "pass" enough. I don't know. I feel -crappy-. At this point in not even worried about others acceptance now but my own. IT was disappointing to realize I still haven't fully accepted myself. I don't know maybe I'm just feeling dysphoria?? I have such a strong to order a packer rn too.... Guys please let me know if u identify with these feelings or if this is dysphoria or something. I really need help identifying my emotions. It would mean the world and it DOES mean the world. Thank you. - Trevor
  5. hmillerrr

    Dysphoria; what exactly is it?

    Okay hi. So through out my self discovery as ftm I've started looking back at my childhood in ways I hadn't before and I'm noticing things that show signs of being trans from the very beginning. Things such as picking up dandelions and wishing to be a boy, laying in bed at night and saying I wish to wake up as a boy, etc. But I'm told by my family that I'm not trans because I don't have dysphoria or at least not in the ways they've heard it or seen it and it got me questioning myself. And I just want some help on what dysphoria really is. I don't really mean the definition or anything but signs. What are some things you guys have experienced? Because I'm pretty sure I have struggled with dysphoria my whole life and just didn't know it and I find that I still don't 100% know it/ or fully understand how I'm feeling. What are signs (idk what right word to use) of dysphoria that often goes unnoticed or is not easily identified? Thank you for any response, I could really use it. -Trevor
  6. Hi, I’m Nevada and I’m 19 years old. Biologically a female, but I’m not sure, I’m a girl in mind. It all started at age 6-7. I’ve always been a tomboy, I used to shop at the male’s section and hated all the girly stuff. My parents always wanted me to be more feminine, but I just wasn’t. I liked all the boy’s stuff, playing with the trucks, being out with other boys and getting dirty all the time. I always hated that some boys just couldn’t accept me as a playmate because I’m a girl. I always hated this feeling. I dreamt about being a boy and (I even had some strange dreams about having a male genital and I just felt happy with it.) At age 11-12 I just wanted to convince myself to be a girl, because biologically I’m a girl and I can’t change it. I tried to be an average girl. I tried to date boys even had some boyfriends but I always felt a little strange. At primary school I was a little chubby, so the kids always made fun of me and called me very insulting names. I think I had a little depression as well, but my parents were my backup so I could move on. Idk, could this stressful period of life cause this gender identification? I mean, there were more boys then girls accepting me as a chubby girl, so I basically socialized as a boy. Is it a Dysphoria or just a bad thought? There’s one thing, why I’m unsure, what gender I really am: I don’t really like people of the same sex. I saw many videos of trans people, who had struggles with crushes of the same gender, being lesbian/gay before coming out..but I don’t have it. I just want to be a boy, treat girls like they should/want to be treated. To be the guy, who I always imagined I want to be. I had so many thought, either I could love a girl or not. As a boy, I think I could..maybe. I’ve always been jealous of the suits my classmates wore. I always hated skirts and the feminine shirts and high heels. I tried to wear a pantsuit as much as I could, but my form-teacher forced every girl to wear skirts In February I had a few illnesses discovered. I have insulin resistance, PCOS, and hypothyroidism. Only the PCOS has something to do with my gender identifications problem. Because of the PCOS I had/have increased level of testosterone and I have a really few facial hair and acne. My doctor told me, that it could begin at age of 14-15..so my puberty. At least,I finally knew why my voice was way deeper than the average girls. I think, it just helped my dysphoria to develop. I always had this desire of being a boy, but this year it got stronger and stronger and I became unsure, who I really am. I’m afraid of not being accepted because I live in a post-soviet country. I can’t talk to any psychologist because I’m likely to end up in a psychiatry. There is one thing I’m sure: I’m not crazy. I’m just uncertain what gender I really am and I just really need help but at the present, I can’t get any professional help. There is one last thing why I’m afraid of these thoughts: My parents. They always wanted to have a girl, they are/were so happy about me. They were always a backup and I don’t want to disappoint them. They do not really accept these LGBT things so that’s why I’m really-really confused and afraid of even thinking about this trans thing. How would you solve this stressful situation when I don’t even know who I am.. 😕 Thanks for reading and I would be thankful if you could tell me your opinion in the comments section
  7. Hi everyone, I am Natalie. I have felt like I was supposed to have been born female since I was 7 years old. I am now 32. I get these desires or urges to be female and during this times I feel both great happiness and sadness. The happiness comes from getting to be myself, the sadness from when I look in the mirror and realize I don't look how I feel. When I was younger this would come and go like seasons. I would want to be woman and then I wouldn't really care. Lately it has been happening more often and the feeling is stronger. It's like I have a feminine energy that flows and it feels so strong. I have been getting depressed because everytime I have to leave the house I must become male and it does not feel right. Right now I feel like there is a woman trapped deep inside me and she is screaming to come out and she will stop at nothing until she gets her way. I have a wonderful girlfriend who know about my feminine side and let's me be myself but I have never talked with her about wanting to transition. I also work in the public so I have to very careful here in the south. I just need some support and guidance. I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn or what to do. ,Natalie
  8. As i lean back waiting on my sisters to finish their ten hour salon session listening to the chirps of crickets and feeling anxious about what i thought to be a dead roach not being on the floor where i last saw it right now, i can only think one thing. What a weird -censored- day. Today started actually okay. I woke up early and felt fresh, i mean i didnt get up straight away but baby steps y'know. I eventually had my typical fatherly instinct of having a deep fear burned within me as i realized my pet beetle might be drowning its it's centimeter dish of water or worse, stuck on it's back! She wasnt, she was fine but i felt good to know i managed to keep this weird little girl alive for so long. After staring at her teraniam for a moment i decided to clean up the mess which was desperately trying to bind inappropriately at twelve am where i, and i do not advise you to try, : had bruising and extreme hardships breathing after thirty seconds, used a pair of short shorts to wrap around my chest. You see my hypothesis was that jeans are kinda stretchy so i supposed i'd breathe fine and kind of have a cute binder. After sobbing in my bed ands talking to myself while gasping for a good hour it became apparent that no, jeans are not good binder material. Back to today though we went to the store, i felt okay ish leaving out. I was wearing a hoodie but my hair and my voice were kinda -censored- up my vibes but whats a guy to do about that. I shopped around joking about and having fun with my siblings before returning home and realizing. "-expletive- the neighborhood block party is today!" Im not the best at parties. Not good at socializing or starting topics or seeming interesting but having been isolates in my ten by eleven room for three years with the occasional hang out with my parents i decides to play social roulette because odds were it was better than that room. Besides, i had a game plan this time! I lassoed up my pet beetle and plopped it on my shoulder figuring "hell yea this'll be a conversation starter". And she was, she met many children and adults that day and i happily explained what she was and ate and her terraniam. It was a fun experience as i attempted to become a more patient human trying to stop this beetle from falling and taking deep breaths as i let young children interupt my doodle time and sketch and wrinkle my note book pages. However while squating there watching my doodles get destroyed and breaking only a small sweat i felt like a cool older teen brother. A brother you'd look back at fondly but not too fondly. Not along the lines of "gosh he was great, i love him!" More along the lines of "He was a -censored- idiot but at least he wasnt a dickhead." . This made me smile as i realized how wonderfully average and lame of a dad i was gonna be at some point. Delightful! As i was thinking this by chance the father of the two children scribbling in my book came to great me with an open hand thanking me for putting up with them. I greated him back and he asked about my art and boy oh boy how confused i was. He doesnt seem like a bad guy but its a work for fame kinda feel to it. Like he wants some art but doesnt want to pay but then again he isnt asking for anything new just a piece of art to throw up on his wall at an air bmb. After completely destroying the conversation making it as awkward as a middle age dad trapped in the body of a 14 year old girl body could be i excused myself thanking him and promising to get into contact with him at some point. I made it home and great. Post fun depression. I tried talking it off with my brother but that only went so far as i began to try watching videos to distract myself which ultimately led to me in the bathroom looking myself down with hatred. What a dumb voice i have , i dont look masculine and what a -censored- moron i was at that party. It was a moment where the real me felt far too out of reach. Yea right sure you'll leave and study herpetology in germany and be a father or you'll just end up some washed up piece of -crap-. I smashed my chest trying to bulk up and look better almost breaking down and thinking about choking myself again until the pain went away when i did something stupidly simple. I stuffed my bed head into my cap and only let a small tuff out and all of a sudden something clicked. It was like looking future me in the face. I strutted around a bit a smile creeping up my face as the very slight shadow of a mustache on my face allowed me to sort of see what future me would look like. I could picture myself hanging with a bunch of pals at my dorm in germany probably drinking one beer in the corner anxiously as they got -crap- faced and i wondered how much water and asprin is needed to cure a hangover but while id be a loser i was the real me. I could see myself sitting shirtless with a backwards cap and boxer briefs listening as they hooted and hollared and i was happy to be there. I coukd imagine showing off black throat monitors and burmese pythons to many curious passer by's with a smile and i could even imagine dancing and having jam sessions with my son. It's the little moments like those that really keep me pushing. The possibility of these dreams one day being a reality make sometimes dark thoughts dissapear and make life just the teeniest bit more worth living. Sure it'll be a long road and meine deutch ist nicht toll or meine deutch ist toll nicht or nicht toll is- you get the point alright and getting testosterone and dealing with bigotry and spite and college and all that wonderful -crap- will be hard but if that means having the job and family i want and finally being me, then thats worth it. For now ill just ignore those chest demons and pack my boxer briefs because i know at some point i wont need to do any of this anymore and at some point i'll allways be happy to look in the mirror.
  9. Chronical-anxiety

    Looking for a solid conclusion

    I'm 18 years old and currently living in Brazil. I've been thinking a lot lately about going to a therapist to talk about this, but I'm not sure if it's even worth since I'm not sure if I should (or want) to call myself transgender. I'm going to tell a little about my story. When I was a kid I liked to dress myself with my friend's wardrobe, which consisted of typical boy's underwear and clothing, I even gave myself a boy name and tried to pee while standing in some occasions, but me and my parents saw that as some sort of waggery. As I grew, I didn't really bother with "belonging" to a gender, but my closest friends were (and still are) mostly boys, playing and socializing with them was just natural to me. Then came puberty, and aside my boobs and height (which I'm really dysphoric of) none of the other changes bothered me that much. But at some point, the straight (stereotypically) middle school guys I used to play with started to see me differently, most of them got distant and formed their own "dude exclusive groups" involuntarily. At that time, I didn't really care, since I had a lot of friends at school, but then I moved to another city. I was about 12 years old at that time, and most of my neighbors were boys younger than me, and I imediately grew close to them. They saw me as a equal until some time ago, when signs of their puberty started to show. That was when I started to get really bothered. Seeing how they their muscular mass increased, how their facial hair grew and how their height increased made me feel small (psychologically speaking) in comparation to them. I was jealous. I wanted to have their body. And there I was, once again, being perceived differently. Nowadays I look like "normal" girl (long hair, usually wearing t-shirts and shorts), and I experience social dysphoria a lot, but I can say I don't have a severe body dysphoria since I feel comfortable when I look at my body. However, I get really uncomfortable when someone treats me like a "girl" or a "lady" in social situations (one of my aunts likes to call me princess since I was very young, but now it just bothers me, like it's something most girls would be ok with, but I just think it's wrong). I hate when someone comes up with some kind of "gender role" talk, even if it's not on purpose, it really triggers me. Besides my social dysphoria, I feel genital dysphoria sometimes after I masturbate. While I'm at it, I can't really think straight, but when I'm done something feels wrong. I watch a lot of heterossexual porn and always imagine myself being the guy in the situation, being penetrated or being the "woman" just doesn't do to me, and aside the fact that I'm sexually attracted to women, I have a hard time watching lesbian porn for some reason. In the end of the day, I just want to read what you guys have to say about this and what I should do, my mind has been oscilating a lot and I've been reading many articles about FtM transition and such. Sometimes I think about discussing this with a therapist and sometimes I just think I'm better of the way I am right now, and that I should try to overcome these thoughts since I'm not sure what I want and transitioning would make my life more difficult.
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