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  1. I'm sorry my English isn't good enough, I'll explain once more if something's not clear. Believe it or not, I'm male and I belong to a DID system. There are two of us now, me and my sister, who's the host. The body is cis female. None of us feels non-binary or going through gender changes. I'm not sure if it's OK for me to join the community, but I'm in need for information about my appearance, my health and overall pass because I use my sister's body to live and communicate. There are also mental health issues that I must take into account. Long story short, my sis was a victim of extreme everyday physical and emotional abuse for more than 20 years, there was also some sort of sexual harassment involved. I realized myself about four years ago, it was the first time I was able to think, speak and walk by myself. I do have memories about my (our) childhood but it's hard to answer when I'm asked about my real age. I had hard time first two years since then learning how to write and speak properly, focusing on a subject and keeping long sentences in mind was too difficult. I felt like a child or an old man who just came out of hospital. Today I'm finally able to think and act my actual age. We both had to hide my existence and switching from our abusers for years before my sis was able to escape abroad at last. Having to hide had negative impact on me, because I had to mimic her voice and face expressions which was harder and harder as time went on. It put some dysphoria on me, a kind of more personality based rather than gender dysphoria. But most problems were purely practical, sorting out tasks and events after memory gaps (sis), surviving in violent conditions, serving as a slave and not being detected (me) were main objectives. My sister was forced to wear ugly clothes, the abusers made her deny her gender and humanity by calling herself 'ugly worm', 'instrument', 'dead weight', 'empty skull', 'nothing but a piece of **** in public. It's just an addition to beating the hell out of her on regular basis. She may be still suffering from PTSD, it's been less than a year now since she ran away. She's now living with her fiancé, he was my best friend even before we moved in. They've been in a long-distance relationship for eight years. There was a sudden outburst of new identities two years ago, which made my sister suffer great pain, panic and memory losses. It hit me hard too, I had speech and concentration problems for several months until that period ended. Those identities were numerous, all malevolent in different ways, insane and pathological. They wanted to provoke self-harm, some of them attempted to kill themselves or ruin the body in some way. My sister's future husband was the one to handle this chaos alone, he even managed to engage me in the process of getting rid of those mad identities. I couldn't have direct contact with those creatures, just the same way I can't contact my sister directly. They all seemed to be female, but it was hard to tell since they've been obsessed with suffering only. Anyway, it didn't last long and it's all in the past now. Once my sister found her place in a new family, our system obviously stabilized, we live in peace like regular siblings with no pathological interference. I'm willing to attend psychiatrist, but I cannot do it right now because of immigration affairs. Our insurance now covers only basic treatment and emergency healthcare. I won't be able to undergo psychiatric examination by my own desire for two years onward due to my immigration status. For now our only therapy is friendly support and social interaction. Thanks for understanding. I'm open to questions. Everyone have a nice day.
  2. There are a number of things that together will help you attain your desired voice. Much of it is psychological--it is adjusting your motor memory in the way you speak. If you're tired, your voice quality suffers. Stay hydrated and rested. You can gently massage your neck and SCL muscles. The bones in your throat can be gently massaged into place. Practice your pitch by taking simple vocal lessons. Very important is to focus on upper part of your throat when you speak. Your voice will get stressed if you are pumping air from the upper body. Use your belly as bellows and let the lower muscles do the hard work of sending air. Focus on your upper throat as you speak. Imagine a point towards the upper part of your throat and your voice will resonate at that pitch. I was invited to join the choir at my new church. I soon discovered I was singing in 2nd soprano, smack in the middle range of all the other ladies.
  3. LouiseRose1954

    Hello! I'm old, and I am new

    Hello luvvlies. I am here thanks to Sarahnr1. I am almost 65 (July 5). I have been pre-op mtf since 1992. In 2011 I had been living female 19yrs, having transitioned while attending one community college and continuing as female at another for 3yrs. I had no problem there. I was accepted and valued as a woman club officer, student and senator. At one time I was the president of the LGBT club and my wife was the secretary in the disabled students club, where I was also activities coordinator. After she died and I moved and met another, we moved around and finally ended up at the same college, where I was once again asked to reside over the disabled club, this time as president. Instead, I made my wife president and became the vp. Then, in 2011 DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles in California) sent me a letter stating I could no longer have a female gender marker on my ID without written proof of SRS by a medical professional, and I could not have any other name than what was on my birth certificate unless there was a court order to do so. It was also stipulated that I could not have a female name unless there was SRS. So I was basically stuck and had to use an ID with a name I had not used since I was 19 and my gender was marked as male. So in August 2011 I finally had no choice but to revert back to living male and stop my hrt. I actually tried to live as a male. But I was getting very frustrated at not fitting in; not having any friends; feeling angry and out of sorts. Added to this, my wife and I tried to help someone by letting them stay with us for two weeks. When they would not leave, I became angry and forceful. They retaliated by threatening gang violence against us, using my previous lifestyle as a threat. The upshot was we were all evicted and my wife and I were homeless. Because my wife is diabetic, disabled and uses a c-pap at night we ended up in the hospital a few times; lived in independent homes a few times; and finally they put her in a care home that did nothing, but just let her sit there. So we ended up moving to her stepsister's boyfriend's house and renting a room from him. We have been living with them, my wife's step-dad, and occasionally her stepbrother. All of them are very homophobic and bigoted, except the boyfriend. We have been dealing with constant fighting since 2016 and finally the boyfriend's mom is allowing us to rent a duplex to us, with him as our manager. We are in the process of moving now, but it is a very slow move. As for my experience as a TS, I started out with a love of wearing nightgowns, nylons and loving furs and dresses. Everyone said it was a phase and I would grow out of it. A lot of times it lead to adolescent release, but mainly it was the clothes felt right. I hated the boy clothes my mother made me wear. My nickname was Waldo. I wore plaid blue, green, and brown pants, with with the corresponding solid short sleeve shirt to match each. Ugh! To this day I hate those colors. By the time I left home I was a born again Christian and I moved into a Christian communal house in San Francisco, called Shiloh House. It was another mission house that put homeless up for the night. They offered soup and bread with water at night and donuts and coffee in the morning. I joined the house and began to help out with chores and reading the bible. Then I went to work as a bike messenger. Finally, I was given the opportunity to go to the ministry school in Oregon. So I did-for 19 months. I was given many opportunities: working in canneries in Alaska, planting trees in Oregon, harvesting trees for the holidays in Washington, picking apples there too. I chose to continue with the ministry after graduation as a cook for a house. I went to Houston via Denver and cooked in both. Then I came back to California and lived in the houses in San Francisco, Sacramento and finally South Lake Tahoe. I worked at Harrah's Club, first as dishwasher, then student cook. I met my first wife there and my desire to wear women's clothes returned there too. My wife and I moved to Alaska and at one point, not knowing my desires, she and a little girl put makeup on me and dressed me as a woman to beat the boredom between jobs. That just reignited my desire to dress and inevitably led to my being caught in her nightgown asleep. After I confessed my desire, she was repulsed by it and said she loved me enough to stand by me and get me the help I needed to be cured of this problem or weakness. After several counselors tried to convince her that there is no cure, she just refused to accept it as a part of me, or us. So I repressed it. We had 3 children, two boys and a girl with a cleft palate. At one point I came home and they were all gone and no one was willing to tell me where. After a year I had to move for a job and only my family knew where I was. All her family stopped talking to me. If I called they hung up. My letters were returned unopened. After another year I received a letter from the court telling me they had just found out I was still alive. My wife had told them I was dead when she brought them our children. They were all in separate homes and due for final placement. Because of the length of time apart from them they could not be placed with me until I went through a reinstatement program and a judge would make a final ruling. I had to move back, find a job and still attend hearings and psychologists meetings. One of my boys was in a special facility for emotionally disturbed children and I tried to visit him. After an interview and answering questions the way I was briefed to, it was determined not in the best interest of my son for me to see him. I did get to visit the other two and had a wonderful visit. But the judge informed my attorney that it did not matter. He had already made his decision to put them up for adoption and sever my parental rights. My attorney advised me to sign the papers, releasing them. I was young and did not know better. I kept thinking I was doing what was best for them. I kept losing jobs because I had to keep taking time off to go to hearings and meetings. They told me if I fought it, they would bring up my sordid juvenile criminal past, with my children in the courtroom and the judge would still be taking them. So it was my choice. So I lost. My wife told me Christianity was a joke to her and wanted a divorce, having never been a believer. So I gave her the divorce. My second wife was older and a leading Christian in church. She totally accepted my desire to wear womens clothes and encouraged me. Later, a psychiatrist found I had frustrations from being raised as a male, when I actually hated all men, including me. So he had me go home to my girlfriend and tell her he wanted me to dress entirely female all the time at home. By the next meeting I knew it was more than just the clothes. I wanted to be a girl/woman. I did not know if it was all the time at that point, but I knew I had to let the girl out. My girlfriend became my wife and she began to raise another daughter. We both went back to college. I transitioned there, without any help from any TG group. I did not even know about any. I thought it was just my weirdness. When I took a human sexuality class the instructor gave me a switchboard number to call and informed me there was a club where doctors and lawyers went to once a month to dress in the gender of their choice. There was also a therapy group to go to. I went there first. That is when I learned there was over 500 like me in the Bay Area! I was gobsmacked! After this I was immersed in the LGBT community of San Francisco. I went to balls, cotillions, dinners, coronations. You name it, I attended. As a trans girl I was one of many that were coat check girls for the coronations of empresses and emperors in the gay court. Many of the gowns and finery would put the Royal Family to shame. I became the Education co-chair for our club and had many speakers come and give presentations. We had Mary Kay tell us how to do makeup, someone else show us the art of wearing wigs, therapists talking about their services, personal shoppers and image consultants, charm school lessons, groups to offer self -defense and tip to keep safe. We went on excursions, shopping trips, cruises. I performed on stage with 'I am what I am' from La Cag Aux Folles, bridging into Diana Ross's 'I'm coming out' as I change into a gorgeous woman in gold lame. It was a fun time and I learned a lot. I was going for SRS and had started my hrt. We had transferred to another college as two women. We were officers in the disabled club because she was disabled and diabetic. But we advanced and even became senators for a while. I became the president of the LGBT club. My wife graduated with four degrees and thirteen certificates. Right after that, we were going to start a business as an umbrella for many businesses. Unfortunately she had a small stroke, a TIA. Then, in 1998 my wife died, and so did I, for a year. I moved away, finally volunteering to be phone bank captain. Eventually I was volunteer coordinator and working with young lesbians. They took me with them after work dancing at the club. I met a woman younger through the campaign and she had me move in with her and roommate. She told me she wanted to get to know me better. I was still grieving, but we still started spending time together. Eventually we moved into our own place and I became her home care worker. We started going to the TG clubs and gay clubs, meeting many of the drag queens there. We moved to where I lived before and my wife loved it. We actually went to the same college. This time I was asked to take over the disabled students club. I compromised by allowing my wife to learn how to run a club and making her president and me vp. We continued there until we were evicted. Our age and health also played a factor in how active we were. Over the years our participation in union, LGBT activities, even church activities have dwindled. I am still just as eager to encourage young people finding their way and welcoming all the accomplishments in the LGBT community, but our dancing and activism days are long gone. I am actually experiencing a lot of memory loss, and those things I learned about applying makeup to cover a beard I am having to relearn. I feel, as I begin to continue my hrt, that I am starting over again. I found out that I did not have to have my ID changed back in 2011. In fact, when I talk about it at the support group no one knows what I am talking about. So now I have the papers necessary to have my name and gender changed on my birth certificate. All we have to do is complete the move and I will take them to court and present them to start the process. So I come here now for the sole purpose to be a part again of a sisterhood. To find and give support to those finding their way. It may take me a while to sift through the forum and topics, but I hope to be positive influence here as I get to know each of you. With love, LouiseRose
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