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  1. Guys I think I'm a borderline alcoholic. I'm not sure I'm only 18 yrs old but my sister is a meth addict and because of my hidden trauma from it all I stole alcohol for the first time since I've gone to therapy, but now every time I drink I get this freeling that makes me want to drink the bottle dry and it scares me. If anyone is comfortable talking about it, what were some early signs that led u to know u were an alcohol? Bc I've done online tests but they're all about signs of alcoholism in th later on stages. I do deeply apologize to anyone who may have felt triggers by this post
  2. Wrightful

    Top Surgery Process

    I can remember wanting top surgery since I first started questioning my gender, which feels like forever ago. Recently, I found that there's a surgeon much closer to me than the one I was originally looking at (admittedly wistfully, as he lives near cross country from my location). I liked the first for his results, but the new, closer surgeon has very similar ones, and as the travel requirements have changed, it suddenly feels much more plausible to seek out this part of my medical transition. Still, though, I find myself a little lost. The biggest obstacle, of course, is price. I need to know what it's going to approximately run me before I can start planning on when and if I will be able to commit. I am not sure whether I should contact the surgeon's office first, or if I should contact my insurance first to figure out an estimate. If anyone who has gone through the process would be willing to give some advice on how to proceed it would be greatly appreciated! The surgeon is Nicholas Kim, based in Minneapolis. If anyone has had experiences working with him I would also love to hear those! The reviews I've seen from his clients on transbucket speak highly of their experiences and seem satisfied. Thank you in advance for those who take the time to read and respond!
  3. Hi there, I’m a 21 year old cis female and my partner is also 21 and has just come out to me as ftm. We are newly engaged and have been together 8 months. I am pansexual so the revelation of them being trans doesn’t bother me, however I am absolutely terrified. All advice and forums I’ve read so far have been mainly negative. I’m so scared I’m going to lose them, mainly over my ‘grieving’ of her. I know things are going to change and the unknown is scaring me and I’m hoping someone has been in a similar position and can just provide me with reassurance in a sense. Thank you!
  4. mochi90

    Three Generations

    This is a movie on Netflix instant stream that stars Elle Fanning as a pre-T transgender male. The movie focuses mostly on the mother struggling to accept her son and features a very transphobic grandmother, who eventually comes around. I have mixed feelings about this movie. Especially because Elle was presented mostly gender neutral rather than with an actual male hairstyle and sense of fashion. And also because of the transphobia.
  5. Trigger warning: dysphoria Hi friends! I'm starting to accept my identity but I'm not sure yet and I really lack resources where I live. So I have some questions if you don't mind me asking. I have mostly chest dysphoria and long hair makes me feel very bad. Also I really want to have a penis and I always fantasize about being a guy and transitioning. I hate people using female pronouns for me and I don't feel like a woman AT ALL. Is that enough to sure of my identity? Are these common feelings among trans people? It's not a phase because I've had these feelings for years now but now that I'm fully aware of it, my dysphoria is crippling. I really want to be sure of my gender identity so any ideas, tips are welcomed. Therapy is not really an option where I live .
  6. Hi guys! I've been kind of confused lately... Almost a year ago now I came out (exclusively) as ftm trans but lately I find myself questioning my sexuality as well. My entire life I was never into boys the way I was girls. I Could have crushes on boys but I could never fall in love and all that stuff. Before I came out as trans I identified as a lesbian for 6 years as well. But lately I find myself wondering. Theres this trans guy youtuber who I started really crushing on. And while yes I I know anyone can fancy an attractive guy with a platform, it literally got to the point where it was like 'admit it, you want him' and in some ways im confused but also surprised. Have any of you guys come out as trans and feel your preference expand? What do u think the reason behind that is? (I'm thinking maybe it's because liking men was, in my past, associated with "femininity" and being a straight female [by society's standards anyway?]) I don't know... after all I do have to explore this more. This youtuber could be the exception. I don't know... In some ways in kind of scared about it. I feel like I'm learning more and more that I am not who I think I am. I feel like I've been losing what I thought was factual. In some ways thought I Would live as a girl my whole life and never come out and face the hardships that come with this. but I know now that I need to come out and I'm accepting that one but I thought I knew my sexuality for a fact and now I'm realizing I don't even have that. I'm feeling very lost and confused in my life. Anyways.... Thank you all again for being something to lean on. I appreciate it. - Trevor
  7. I have been wearing a new prosthetic penis called The Advance. This is a multi functioning stp, hard and flaccid form. It can also c*m when if you squeeze the balls just right. Im pretty happy with my purchase although it did take 6 weeks to deliver when they said 30 days. But they did reply when I emailed them so thats ok. Uhm..ya, still figuring out how to use the stp feature but it works pretty well. All in all I recommend choice designs but be prepared to wait for it. thanks for reading
  8. "Body" Mother Mother https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o0WYiK52Dg "Transgender Dysphoria Blues" Against Me! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTkmsAJvJwQ "Boys Will Be Boys" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JogfQGwB7dI "Cut My Hair" Mounika (it's based off of the song This Is Home by Cavetown, which is next on my list) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqfDjmAkq7U "This Is Home" Cavetown https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YgmMJJ34k4 "Androgyny" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e2BetO0w-U "Bleed Like Me" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONgrSX47qYA "Candy Says" The Velvet Underground https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFY5ko4sAyI "Giant Woman" From Steven Universe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7IHZv5Q594 "Identity Lost In A Mirror" TheMindless Cannibal https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qyFn-MamXY
  9. Hi guys, I'm 17 yo and have been living confortably with my identity since I came out to my friends and mother (even though she rejects me), but I'm finally planning on living with my older brother (who I'm still not prepared to come out yet, but has showed signals that he already knows and supports me) and start working as a comic artist next year. Which means I'm starting to think about taking part in contests, winning the most I can and saving money for my chest surgery (which is the most urgent, since it has grown quite a bit these past years and have been a real problem for me to pass normally), at least until I can try a japanese government scholarship. I really want to do it before going to college, since I don't know how things will be for me as a trans person in a scholarship of a kinda strict country such as Japan. But, now that I realized how close it is, I'm starting to feel scared. My father used to abuse physically of my mother when I was really tiny, and I watched everything, until he stopped (even though I don't remember a thing). I think that's the reason why I was always hugely scared of getting hurt, violence, fights, arguements, etc. I really hate pain and fights. I'm starting to get over it, letting myself feel pain more frequently without thinking of it as death, but it's still really hard for me. Anyways, I realized that I think the most about how it'll hurt. I wanted to ask to my therapist about it, but he doesn't listen to me properly and will probably say non sense stuff, as always. And I really don't want to argue with him again. I'm also really worried that I might regret it later. My mother is always saying about how I will regret everything. And I'm not a really secure person, I rarely trust my own judgement. So, it's not rare to fear that I'll regret a decision. I'm also trying to imagine how it'll be once I get the chest surgery, if I could feel comfortable even during sex, but it's been difficult even to imagine it. I had lots of awful experiences as a transgender and I think it might influence that. Plus, I already tried imagining myself as a girl, being treated as a "she", but it really freaks me out. I really hate it. I think I might just not be prepared, but I don't know, as I said, I don't trust my own judgement. I'm scared in the end my mother was right and I'm not really trans. Or that I will regret everything. Idk. Thanks for reading.
  10. DevilDog

    Am I??

    Hello, all! I was born female and just turned 48. I grew up in a small town in Indiana, which is very much a red state. I was a tomboy from day 1....pretty much the boy my dad never had. Growing up, I played with the boys....there were no girls on our block. I was athletic like them, liked the same toys as them, I was one of them...except for the long, blonde ponytail that went down to my butt, which I desperately wanted cut (thanks mom). Around the age of 10, I started to feel like I didn’t fit anymore with the boys, but I didn’t fit in with the girls either. I don’t really think I have ever totally left this feeling. I was always the girl left standing by the rail at the roller rink during couples skate. I played 4 sports in high school. I was good at pretty much anything I played. My first love, being a Hoosier, was of course basketball. However, I ended up being a better softball player in my career. The era was one where women’s sports were starting to get competitive and more up tempo. I played like a guy, aggressive, competitive, hating to lose, barking at teammates on the court.....as a result, I was assumed to be a lesbian. I hated the label! It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I was beginning to figure out I was a lesbian. I got pregnant right after graduating from college. I was trying to prove to myself I wasn’t gay. The bio-dad didn’t stick around. I ended up marrying a guy that I dated prior to the bio-dad. I knew I was a lesbian prior to getting married, but I was trying to be superwoman and give my son a dad and traditional family. I probably could have made it work had my dad not passed away from a car accident 1.5 after. After the funeral, my husband wasn’t too supportive. I ended up turning to a friend of mine for solace. We ended up having relationship. It ended both of our marriages. And I stayed with her for eight years. We never lived together. In hindsight, I pretty much stayed with her because she was my memory of the time when my dad passed away. Several years later, I met the woman that I would end up marrying. She loved me, she loved my son, and we had the same outlook on life. We have been together for 13 years. I am still in love with her. But life has changed. I have dealt with depression ever since around 13. I didn’t know it was depression...but that is when I remember having my first passive, suicidal thoughts. I thought it was normal, that everyone had these thoughts, because I had them everyday. Again, I was passively suicidal. I didn’t have a plan....having had two members in my extended family commit suicide, I know what it does to the family. Days turned into years, years turned into decades which led to a middle aged, used to being single parent empty nester that didn’t know who she was. My wife had gone back to school to become a nurse 10 years ago. For some reason, she was very one tracked minded towards school and jobs, we haven’t been intimate in 9 years. I admit, I was a fool for letting it go for so long, but I kept busy being my son’s mom and biggest fan. I am a teacher, but left the classroom 2 years ago...at the same time my son graduated from college...not the smartest decision of my life, but nonetheless it was done. I ended up at my lowest depression point in November 2018. I was a shell of a person. My wife has been extremely supportive!!! However, we still don’t have a sex life, we don’t have any intimacy, we are basically best friends that room together. During my counseling, I thought I had narrowed down roots of my issues to 3 topics: 1) not reaching my dream in college and career wise 2)gay guilt...mentally, I couldn’t reconcile being gay and a Christian. Remember, conservative, red state that elected the dipsh!t that is now the VP. 3) the state of my marriage was perpetuating the self-deprecating thoughts. It wasn’t until mid March that I realized I am transgendered in some way shape or form. During this time of self reflection, it makes perfect sense. However, I have several topics that need further exploring. First and foremost, I absolutely, undeniably love being my son’s mom. I am very maternal, but being the tomboy at heart...I have taught the fundamentals of sports, how to change the oil and brakes on a car, basic carpentry sense, etc. I know I will “always” be mom to him and I am 100% okay with that!! I have a hard time envisioning being called Pappa or papaw when I have grandkids. Secondly, what DOES it feel like to be a man? I catch myself at different points in time throughout the day and ask myself, “do you feel female (like always b/c you don’t know any different) or male (do you feel like you have penis between your legs)? I don’t feel the later. So, what am I supposed to feel? This is a nice segway to the third concern...sexually, I KNOW I am a man. I think about sex all of the time. I can get aroused with the change in direction of the wind. I swear if I looked down at my crotch, I would see an erect penis! When my wife and I used to be sexually intimate, I definitely enjoyed being the giver, if you will. When I put the strap-on on, it felt natural and right. Now that I am on the correct meds and dosages and seeing my therapist, I know something was off for me to think about suicide that much. I feel what I imagine others feel everyday....but my libido is not like the average middle-aged woman!! Now that I am healthy mentally and emotionally, I have been trying to get my marriage back to what it was. I wasn’t sure if suffering from extreme sexual deprivation could be clouding my brain when trying to figure out just how trans I am.....again, another man trait...thinking with my penis rather than the brain. I don’t want to decide to medically transition if it mostly a sexual fantasy and obsession. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Please don’t recommend a gender therapist. I already have a therapist and I see my NP once a week for counseling as well. Thanks!
  11. Hey! I just got myself a packer, but I didn't order any special underwear or thing to have it in (I'm a student with little money). It's not been too long since I got it, but I'm so happy about having it and I've started using it even without any packing underwear, pouch or whatever people use. I have never heard of anyone wearing a packer straight in their underwear, but honestly I kinda like it. Do people have some more knowledge than me about this? Is it superduper unhygenic? I clean it everytime I shower so I'm thinking it shouldn't be that bad? Also does anyone do like a DIY packing pouch/packing underwear? I'm open to all criticism/advice
  12. Wrightful

    Recognizing Doubt

    Recently I have had the privilege to take several strides concerning my transition both physically and socially. I have come out to my martial arts family and system, and I was allowed in the most recent tournament to compete in the men's division with the permission of my grand master and the council (a huge step! I don't know of any other trans people in our association that compete). I also started HRT just under three months ago, and while that hasn't been extremely smooth of a process, things are moving forward at a pleasant rate. The most recent of these steps I've been able to take is moving towards getting proper identification documents (driver's license and passport). I obtained the paperwork I need to bring to my dmv just the other day. However, the practitioner at the clinic was very hesitant to write the note at first. She seemed to convince herself over the course of our discussion. I did not try to persuade her much in the matter, just listened to her concerns and the normal timeline of things. In the end, she decided she would write the letters needed if I desired them. However, her hesitation certainly shook me more than I expected it to. I find myself caught in the old circle of wondering if I really am trans, if what I'm feeling will truly remain consistent, and if I will regret transitioning. This is not a new doubt. I have had it since I felt I may identify as transgender, and it occasionally rears its head without prompting. Nowhere along the physical side of transitioning have I feel regret for my decisions. I have enjoyed all of what HRT has started to change, have enjoyed the social aspect of it, and have enjoyed seeing myself look just a little more masculine in the mirror. So then I have to ask myself, recognizing this doubt, how normal of an experience it is to question one's identity? I imagine it must be fairly normal, especially with how much we are told to reconsider by those around us and society already, but I thought I would drop this here for any of those who wish to share their experiences with self-doubt. Thanks for listening!
  13. Okay, so this is my first time ever doing this... I'm just in search of advice and answers to my millions of questions, scratch that, BILLIONS of questions that can't be answered by textbook definitions, and also friends.. I'm 20 years old and I realized lately that my childhood was not as common as I thought. A vey big part of growing up was surrounded by "phases", as my parents would call it, but I only realize now that I may just be different. I learnt that sexual orientation and identity is very different, things that in my home town we had no education what so ever on, and that completely changed my perspective of my own life. I've always struggled with depression and major anxiety, basically because I never liked my own body because I kept thinking I wasn't beautiful or too fat.. my body parts grossed me out and scared me as in a way someone with coulrophobia see's a clown and is scared -clean bathroom- (fun fact, I am terrified of clowns!). Anyways back to the real story, recently I've been through alot of challenging times, a break up with my boyfriend (with whom I loved for 3 years) and I was forced to come out as transgender to my mother and she did not take it well, family is a very important key of my life, and someone might have ruined it for me cause he told her I was hiding something... did i mention by force !...I was not ready what so ever to tell her, heck im not even sure 100% if this is the trail I want to adventure in, but im like at a safe 99,8% sure this is what I need to be completely free and happy. I have a few friends that knows about me, but not much because from where I am from, people like me are judged and classified as inhuman... It breaks my heart to even think of jugement that could involve myself.. Anyways, thats a brief paragraphe of my wonderful life at the moment, and i guess am in search of some comfort and support. Maybe even a few friends that know how I am feeling looking upon my situation. So yah, thanks for listening ! XD
  14. UghToast

    Embarrassed and Unsure

    Hello, Recently I started coming out as trans to my immediate family and friend circle. I have spent most of my life (25 yrs) wishing I were a boy, and being uncomfortable/sad being referred to as female. I am generally OK with my body, I'm pretty sure HRT is not for me, but I bought a chest binder and have been feeling loads better because of it. Just trying at this point to accept myself as a boy, trying to undo the years of seeing myself as female. If I could press a button to become male, I would -- I just want to FEEL like a boy, if that makes sense. And, sometimes I do, and it's exhilarating! Anyway, when it involves to coming out to other people, I've been less certain. My friends are generally understanding, but I am now the only LGBT person in our circle. I've brought up wanting a gender neutral name and using male pronouns, but when friends and family do use them around me (oftentimes correcting themselves) I feel horribly embarrassed and ashamed. Is this normal? I feel like it's a mix of things, like I'm worried people don't actually SEE me as a boy, because I don't and probably will never pass as a boy. I feel totally vulnerable making this change. What if I have second thoughts? But at the same time, even though it's familiar, I don't want to go back to the female name/pronouns because I don't want to spend my whole life wishing for something that I don't allow myself to attain. I guess I'm just scared. I'm in this middle ground now where nothing feels right (except occasionally when I am out with one good friend who is crazy supportive I feel excited). I want to be a boy so bad, and so far everyone has been very nice, why don't I have the bravery to do this?? I have a gender therapist I've been seeing but I haven't been jiving very well with her, she just sits there and stares at me smiling and then I feel like I have to yammer to avoid the silence. So, I have made another appointment with someone else, but it's a couple week out, which is why I am reaching out here for support. Thank U in advance, --UghToast
  15. After three failed marriages and a variety of counselors I never realized why? I came out to my family about being Bi and all I got was discouragement. 2 years ago when I turned 33 I started working out and lifting because I was disgusted with my body. All my life I had been pushed to be sexy girly girl by my family and then in my marriages. Then after I started working out I was able to start hormone therapy and found a sympathetic counselor and finally I started to like my body again. I stopped wearing womens cloths and started wearing mens attire and finally last year with support of a couple of friends I fianlly got my chest done. ITs been hell for me at my work thru this whole process but I will say to anyone its worth it. Later this year Im going to relocate and start over nearer my friends location. I just wanted to share my story.
  16. heyim_finn

    Relationships...?

    So a girl messaged me on one of my social medias, just hitting me up. We start talking and she's pretty chill, so we have been talking for almost a full week now and I've discovered a lot about her. She is so sweet and funny, and she's so confident. But the only thing is she lives in Texas. We have video chatted multiple times, so I know it's actually her, and of course I've reversed searches the pictures she posts. They lead back to her, and she doesn't hesitate to call me or anything. We've both kinds fallen for each other and I'm super happy but I don't know how it's going to work out. I know long distance is terrible, but my mom would freak out of I told her I was dating a girl in Texas just for the shear fact that I haven't met her. I think we will end up just being friends, but maybe once we are 18 we could meet. It's honestly just so reassuring that these random people will talk to me because they think I'm interesting. So I'm definitely very optimistic right now. There's just these butterflies man, it's crazy
  17. heyim_finn

    It could happen sooner than I thought

    So I've had a lot of thoughts come to me recently after having two names really resonate with me. I feel more like myself with them, and if I can forget about my euphoria at home it's even better. But the amount of thinking I've done about being able to come out and transition are insane. I know I can order my binder this summer, with me being able to get a job in a little more than a month, and I can start wearing more baggy "men's style ish" shirts because I've told my mom about my top dysphoria, and how I'm uncomfortable in form fitting clothing. She understood that part but doesn't want me to be masculine I think just put of fear. But soon I will be able to buy my own clothes and choose what I wear and how I present. I've been thinking that maybe by the end of junior year I can dress how I want and be able to come out at school to almost everyone, and (sadly) I know I don't have to worry about a slip in front of my parents because they don't allow my friends over anymore. The only thing that could get me is marching band, but normally no one calls me in front of them, they are pretty despised because they've left me bawling in the middle of games that I can't even perform. But at the end of my senior year, I plan on having enough saved up that I could get a shared apartment with one of my friends, or possibly move in with one of them for a little. Then I can come out to my parents.I And as soon as I can save up the money for it, I can see a gender therapist without my parents knowing. I can get help for now u too I can get my "ok" for T. That's really what I've been holding on to. One of my friends is trans, and He just got his slip for T, he starts in a little more than 2 months. So I know that there's hope and I'll be comfortable in my own body eventually. But it's so hard just waiting. I know that I'm going to be forced to wear a bikini for this summer and it might just ruin me, but I'll see if I can find a way to make it slightly better. It's really just a game of holding on and trusting myself for the time being. But it sure hurts like hell.
  18. Hey guys! It's been a bad day. I see an endocrinologist for thyroid issues and stuff and I thought I'd ask about hrt and he told me that the only endo that aids in that stuff was in San Diego (as far as he knew).. it's such a setback. I started crying when I heard. I don't know what to do anymore I can't live like this anymore. 😕 hes gotta be wrong he's got to. How to i go about finding out for sure if san Diego is the only endo that can help me? I live about 2 to 3 1/2 hours from there 😕 and while that isn't that bad it is for someone who is barely if not at all independent financially yet. I need helping finding out where I could look or search to find my answers. It doesn't help that my therapist doesn't know anything about trans related things or that this isn't simply a "want" like getting a dog... Ugh.. I'm sorry you guys. I don't mean to dump my problems on anyone. This revelation has just been weighing on me all day. -Trevor
  19. Does anyone have any suggestions for voice training (or analysis) for FtM or NB folks? I love that the MtF section has a topic for that and am hoping that people have some suggestions for FtM.
  20. BrandenLeon

    so male yes

    lately i been getting called him/he more by friends and it honesty helped me feel better about myself. i been binding when i a lot, but I've been trying to use it little as possible do to the heath risks with it. i started to do packing to and it makes me feel good and sexy about myself. i plan to buy a actually packer hopefully this next pay check. if you have any suggestions i like to hear them. i also might save money to see a therapist here soon to possible get on t in the further.
  21. heyim_finn

    name?

    So names are a fun topic. I currently go by Finn with a few people, but it doesn't feel right. I brainstormed a good bit and finally have a list. My top three are James, nickname Jamie, Caspian, nickname Cas, and Samuel, nickname Sam. Then the other ones are Nico, Haru, Braeden, Keir, and Jack. I wanted a "general name" but also something to deal with water or space. I really like Caspian for that reason, its a water related name. It's just weird to talk about it with my friends. Any advice?
  22. So I was really badly depressed and dysphoric last night. I decided to cut my hair to get away from the feeling of cutting myself. But now I'm so anxious about seeing my parents today because they hate when I try to look masculine because they aren't accepting as I came out as nonbinary because I knew they'd hurt me if i said I was trans. It's at the length I wanted it but I'm so anxious about seeing my parents that I can't get over the fact is why the heck did I cut it? I'm scared that they are going to hurt me when I see them. Why did i do this?
  23. So, curious. I'm three months on T now and I haven't had my period for two months, however I notice I do still get the usual symptoms (impatience, uncontrollable munchies, an almost unholy craving for red meat, etc etc.) I was just wondering if any of you other guys have the same experience and if so, from those of you who've been on T a bit longer, if this ever goes away!
  24. I had a rough patch last night, where I just about started cutting again, or using drugs from how depressed and dysphoric I got. So I cut my hair. My mom is going to kill me once she gets home soon and I'm terrified of how it will play out. I have a plan for if I do get hit, but this forum is on my tablet and I do how to reach Tomball if I need help here. If I do get hit, i know that I will be going away to a friend's house, after alerting the polyurethane I've left and why I've left. Then I won't endanger myself or the friend in staying with until child services get involved. I tried to stay safe and closeted but it just didn't happen. I'm so scared rn, I'm having the worst snowball effect from anxiety and I'm afraid I'm going to cut anyway. Help
  25. heyim_finn

    Relationship problems

    so the only person in really "out" to is my girlfriend. But after that and the stresses of trying to get me a binder there has been a lot of tension between us. We have been fighting a lot and arguing, and if I'm honest I think I'm falling out of love just because of the shear amount of times this is happening. I know it started with me, because after me coming out the problems arose. She said she accepted me and was willing to work with me, but there's so much tension that I think that has changed. I don't know exactly what to do at this point but just call it off to alleviate a lot of the stress and pain for her. Is that the best thing to do?
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