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Hello, I am having and I have had waves of anguish over my physical gender over the years since late elementary to middle school with a huge increase in my teens. I am now 44 and I have not had much of this during my latest decade or 2. But a few years ago it came back to me that I feel like I would rather be female. I was going to forums and asked, and tried to develop this, but in the middle of that, first thing on that forum I got trolled by some cyber bully and badly hurt mentally and emotionally, so I felt just bad, a few months later, I got in a disaster that was unrelated to my mental issues, which made me put this aside, being scared of the whole idea that I might be a transgender. I have developed a "male identity" which seemed to help me during the years, but I did have long hair first, but I cut it after the latest disaster. I have had horrible sexual trouble too, not only do I never feel for sex for weeks after, but I also feel I have no control over my sexual desires, this is unbearable when I am feeling gender dysphoria and hardly cannot look at my body. This has been followed me like a shadow since I was in the teen ages. But when I had developed a male identity, I could feel sexual lust over my own male body, rather dressed in body covering underwear or similar, rarely naked (this, by itself seems strange and perhaps sick)? But when I did this, I felt I had more control over my sexuality, but lately my gender dysphoria came back at full power and I lost control again. I feel that if I learn to love my male body like I did, things will not go out of control, but on the other hand, it still feels "wrong" to me on most occasions other than when I feel sexual desire over the body. How do I resolve this? When/if the body starts to transform on HRT, will I miss that strange sexual security? Or will I still be able to see my (new female) body in the same positive way, but now with a female identity? I really hope I have explained this in an understandable way. But please ask if you wonder.