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TRIGGER WARNING: GENDER DYSPHORIA/ DEPRESSION/ SUICIDE Please don't read this if you're vulnerable. "And when someone asks me if that was a cry for help, I say no because I told no one. You only cry for help if you believe there's help to cry for." This not a cry because I know deep inside that there's no help out there for me. Hi ! My name is Alaa. I'm 20. And I'm transgender ftm. I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria my whole life. And Iive in one of the most transphobic countries ( a Muslim country in north Africa). Most people here will live their entire lives without hearing the word transgender. They don't know about us and they manage to hate us. The irony. It's nearly impossible for me to get help. When I tried I was humiliated by my therapist. I can't come out to anyone. My parents will probably go crazy if I do and it will break their hearts and they'll torture me to change. Additionally, I risk getting persecuted and I can end up in jail. I can't get out of here and even if I do, for what? I can't leave my parents and my friends behind. I love them. I can't break their hearts. I would rather die than be a source of pain and shame to them. Not after all the beautiful things they did to me. This whole situation is unfair. I really wish things were different but they're not. And nothing is going to change. I hate myself. What in the hell did I do to deserve all this?