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I'm tired of fighting. I'm fighting right now as I type this only because it's become such a habit. The coping skills I had to learn to get comfortable with and practice have become instinct. I guess you could say I'm pretty far in my "recovery" for that . But that's the thing I don't want to cope anymore. I just want to let go, just fall away. I try so -censored- hard to pretend that desire isn't there anymore and that I'm "changed" but it's there. I keep forgetting that it built a home inside me. And even tho I keep the door shut, is still standing and it always finds a way out; my desire to let go. close my eyes, disappear. I fight it whenever it comes up but -expletive-. I'm starting to wonder why I even fight anymore. I used to ask myself this all the time and it's scaring me that I'm asking myself this again. It really is. I want it all to go away. I don't know why I wrote this here. It's not fair to put this on you guys I just... I can't tell my family they'll think I'm "bad" again. Or unsafe again. I don't want them to worry. -Trevor