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My name was Matthew, I used to drink a lot and almost always a blackout drunk.You see, I was trying to kill myself and had been since I was quite young. But death from alcohol isn't the quick fix I thought it would be. I knew something was not quite right about me from a young age. I had this compulsion to cross dress, not makeup just lingerie. And I seemed to be attracted to men,,sexually. But I was also attracted to women,,sexually. I just found it easier to talk to men. Women scared the bejeezus out of me. Oh my they turned me on immensely but I was very self conscious and felt inadequate. I was the youngest of 3 boys, a redhead, skinny and I stuttered. My father had a full time job but was also a part time bartender so our basement was chock full of boxes of booze. The Mother lode!. I started drinking when I was about 13. I wasn't cross dressing at this age. I didn't start until I was about 17. I was like a secret agent in my cross dressing. It was like a game even though it was such a strong compulsion I was always devising ways I could safely do this without anyone,,ANYONE finding out. I was a virgin until around age 25. My first sexual encounter was with a man at a hotel in Toronto Canada. Of course I was drunk for this, how else could I gather enough courage to actually go through with it. It wasn't very good. But I just knew it was right for me and I also worse lingerie under my boy clothes. I couldn't seem to get aroused unless i was wearing women's lingerie. The idea of man on man sex repulsed and still does to this day. But if I was wearing lingerie it was the most normal thing in my life. So, I spent the next 20 years drinking like a madman losing friends and jobs. Damn near losing my mind and my life a few times. I got beaten up a lot too. I was still secretly cross dressing but held a carpentry job. I was very masculine and acted macho to fit in. When I was 45 I hit my bottom. I realised I wasn't going to kill myself by drinking any time soon. I had lost my job and was practically destitute. I went to AA for a year or so and then I had an epiphany. I realised that in order to remain sober i had to let Mattie out of her prison. I spent the next 3 years getting myself to a place where I could safely transition. I had to relocate. By the time I was 48 I began my epic journey as I like to call it. I found a psychologist specializing in transgenderism and within 30 days began hormone replacement therapy and began living female. I was still drinking on and off but I wasn't trying to drink myself to death anymore. It was tough going the next 2 years, but I found a transgender support group in my area and I went every week for 2 years. In 2012 , 2 years after my initial transition, I underwent gender reassignment surgery at the Brassard Clinic in Montreal Canada and all to a smashing success. In 2013 I had my upper surgeries both breast implants and a nose job. Now here's the thing. Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch. I have had a few beers here and there but I haven't been seriously pissed to the gills since. I don't want to die anymore in fact I want to live forever as the beautiful woman I've blossomed into. I hope that maybe some of you can relate to my story and if it helps even just one person then this post has been worthwhile. Love, Light & Liberation brothers and sisters!