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Found 25 results

  1. Stephi

    Too old to transition?

    Good morning. My name is Stephani and just recently joined TransPulse Forums. I introduced myself in the newcomers section so I won't repeat myself, but I do have a very serious question to put out there. I'm sure it's been answered before: When is it (realistically ) too late to transition? I have struggled with gender dysphoria since the age of 4. Over the years I have endured ridicule, scorn, and rejection. I have been beaten an abused several times earlier in life when I asserted my feminine persona. Eventually I would emotionally suppress my intense desire to transition. Finally, in my early 50's, I resolved to get gender counseling and therapy to address my transsexuality. At long last I was set to begin HRT, but on the very day I was to start, a phone call from my primary care physician indicated that I had cancer. 9 years later I am cancer-free after several bouts. But I am almost 60 (May 4, 1959) and in the recent years my body image has gone from bad to worse. My wife and son were incredible supports during my illness and I don't want to disrupt their lives any more than I have I'm not sure what to do. Do I just resign myself to unfortunate fate, or do I move forward? Thanks for reading, and thanks for responding if you care to do so, ❤️
  2. Camie

    Long way to go

    I am a very big girl, and I got a lot of weight to cut (over 100 lbs), but I am determined! I started doing a lot of walking and calorie counting. I got an app that helps me track calories and exercise. Counting calories really woke me up to how many calories I was eating. Now I enjoy the challenge of eating as yummy as I can for as few calories as possible. I am really hopeful, 2019 has been my wake up call to self-care! My motivation currently is I just started hrt march 1st and I want to get fit so when I start putting on fat in the right places it's visible. Super scared of not passing when I get to the point I want to present female. Any advice at staying motivated, setting goals and/or tips for walks is appreciated!
  3. "Body" Mother Mother https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o0WYiK52Dg "Transgender Dysphoria Blues" Against Me! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTkmsAJvJwQ "Boys Will Be Boys" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JogfQGwB7dI "Cut My Hair" Mounika (it's based off of the song This Is Home by Cavetown, which is next on my list) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqfDjmAkq7U "This Is Home" Cavetown https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YgmMJJ34k4 "Androgyny" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e2BetO0w-U "Bleed Like Me" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONgrSX47qYA "Candy Says" The Velvet Underground https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFY5ko4sAyI "Giant Woman" From Steven Universe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7IHZv5Q594 "Identity Lost In A Mirror" TheMindless Cannibal https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qyFn-MamXY
  4. Michelle F

    How I Came Out & Why I Waited

    Oh dear! Coming Out! It's a lengthy read... Here goes… Officially, I came Out as Transgender MtF in May of 2018! This is how it all began... My Mother passed peacefully on June 5, 2013 somewhere between 9a and 10:30a. I went to Walmart for our monthly supplies. I am an only child and she was the last of my family. I was the last man standing in the whole fam damily. Because I my only personal income was SSI at the time, less than $900. I couldn't afford where we lived so I became homeless. For two years I wandered California from Humboldt County south to Fort Bragg - on to San Luis Obispo on the Pacific Coast Hwy - then back north on US 101 up to San Francisco - continuing up to Redding on I-5 and back to Humboldt via US 299. In late 2015 I was compelled to stay in Humboldt. On August 30, the VA decided I was disabled enough to warrant Non-Service Related Pension. I got $3000 back pay and then $1000 a month since. My hips were about to separate from my torso. Only flesh and tendons were holding me together. Both were equally bone to bone. Femur to pelvis! So I bought a travel trailer and moved it to an RV park. Now I have residence I can get hips replaced ASAP. On April 16, 2016 my left hip was replaced. One week in hospital recovery. Three weeks in rehab. The next August 16, the right hip was replaced. I walked in at 5 am. Had surgery and walked out at 4:15pm (FYI: At this time I had Hepatitis C type 2a from a transfusion while serving in the US NAVY in 1972) In May of 2017 right after Mother's Day I headed south again. Bad relationship and too cold now with titanium ceramic alloy hips. I was done with Humboldt County. AMTRAK here I come. I heard Healthcare was more accessible in Socal. When I got to San Luis Obispo I went VSO. First I asked about housing; then I asked about Hep C treatment. They said I needed to go to Loma Linda Veterans Hospital outside Riverside. On my way there I learned Palm Springs area had the best treatment for Hep C and HIV so off I went. I figured if they are experience with two major deadly viruses then I'd be in good hands. On May 22, 2017 at 2am I arrived in downtown Palm Springs on AMTRAK. I learned that I could get a hot meal and some useful info at a Church. So I went there. At 11a I was given a ride to the Church where I met my partner Shawn. (We had lunch and talked. We moved in together a few months later and we are still together). That week I signed up for Hep C treatment and met my current Primary Care Physician. (fast forward to March 30 2018. In April 2018 I was Officially declared cured of Hepatitis C!) (FYI - at this point I was a Straight CISGender man. At least I thought was. I was anything but Comfortable In my Skin!) Still early April... I was feeling off...more so, I made an appointment to see my Doc and see why I was feeling the way I felt. Keep in mind, the Doctor I picked just so happened to be a top local Transgender specialist. I didn't know that at this point. More on this later. I explained how I felt. He seemed concerned and ordered more bloodwork. He suggested that I make myself comfortable at home and relax for a week. He said he had an idea what was wrong and we'll discuss it after he sees the lab report. So I made my follow-up app’t and went home. That evening I was thinking about my comfort levels. When I lived alone I would sleep nude. All my life I did. Being an old hippie nudity was common and not a bad thing. I can't sleep with clothing on. The bed has clothing why do I need clothing? I knew Shawn was gay and he accepted my hetero preference without pressure nor too many questions. All was good in the universe. We shared a bedroom with two twin beds in an ‘Homeless Transitional Housing’ scenario while looking for a place we could afford. We are very compatible and work well together so living together seemed logical. I was laying there on my bed watching tv. Out of the blue I casually asked for permission to sleep nude as I didn't want to offend him and I reassured him that I am not seeking an advance. He laughed and said “Of course! Be comfortable. Don't worry, be happy.” A week later I go to my follow-up. My Doc seemed cheerful enough and not overly concerned with anything specific. Then we started going over the lab report. His first question: Are you always tired? Answer: Absolutely not. Can't sleep more than 6 hours a night. I don't need an alarm clock. I know when I'll get up by what time I go to bed. Second question: How's your sex life? Answer: Non existent! Third: Do you masturbate regularly? Ans: Yes… Well… I try…!? What he said next changed my life… “Both your free and serum Testosterone are very low. It would be normal if you were a woman. While your Free and serum Estradiol would be normal for a man it would be very low for a woman. Do you now or have you ever thought you might have feminine proclivities? “Well,” I said, “as a matter of fact, as a child I thought I was a malformed girl. I had different plumbing. In the neighborhood I grew up in there were no boys my age. All were very much older or way younger. I had a dozen girlfriends growing up. Two male friends by the 4th grade” Then he asked me again how I felt now… All of a sudden I remembered a wish I had made many years ago. I wished I was a girl. All those thoughts came flooding back. I became sad. Deep inside I still yearned for that female proclivity to be in charge. So I said softly. “I am feeling vulnerable. I feel embarrassed! That's when the bomb dropped. He clearly noticed my visible sadness. He said, “Have you ever thought of transitioning?” Huh??? I had never heard of such a thing. I said, “Please explain!” He called it ended Dysphoria. He then proceeded to tell me about Transgender and MtF conversion and what that entails. At this point I missed everything he said. The thought of becoming a woman was all I could think about. So many times I had thought there has got to be a better way. I've always felt feminine. Also, ever since 7th grade… middle school, I had been accused of being gay. Not me! No friggin way. When he stopped talking I must have had a blank or puzzled look on my face. He asked if I was alright? I said, “maybe (long pause)” Then with all seriousness I looked him straight in the eye and asked point blank, “ ...and just exactly HOW do I go about transitioning?” He said, “When you present to me, here at DAP, full-time as female, then we'll talk!” I asked, “ok when can I have my next appointment?” He said “I'll be right back” A couple minutes later his nurse comes in and told me tomorrow. I ask what do I do to present properly? She said, “Come in dressed as a woman. When you commit to full-time you'll start HRT.” “Hmmm… That's all? THAT'S ALL??? REALLY???”, I quipped. He just nodded nd held the door open... I got home and proceeded to attempt at dressing up! Shawn was like, “Okay… what's going on. So I told him. He knew what's up. I didn't. So he explained the finer details of dressing like a girl and then asked me if I was really serious. I reiterated that I was. I had no family to convince or argue with. I had no old friends either. I was a stranger in a strange land and I was ready for change. He then helped me dress convincingly. He has a sister so he was somewhat an authority. One of the women that lived there helped me with some simple makeup. You know eyeliner and shadow. Some mascara and she feminized my brows. I had long hair but bald. So I donned a black and white camo Aussie Bush Hat, a turquoise tank top and cut-off jeans n flip flops. She did my nails with a nice turquoise polish. Boom! I didn't look bad. Actually somewhat convincing! Shawn also explained that if I am honestly straight and still thinking of being a woman then I could very well be transgender. Caitlyn Jenner and Chelsea Manning came to mind and I got it immediately! So… I came out on Tax day 2018… LoL! I have not worn men's clothing since. I started HRT on April 16, 2018. Today, my breasts are a natural B cup. I am getting a girlish figure and I have begun electrolysis on my face and will be getting GRS soon. I have submitted both letters of medical necessity. I have met my Top Surgeon! Life is good... So there is my back story. This is how I came out. Why and when and I am so glad I did! Love, Michelle
  5. Hey all! I'll be joining the Navy for 4 years this summer to pay for my college, though I'm... less than ecstatic about the thought of being completely closeted until I'm 24. I would really like to get on HRT when I can but my future as a whole is important enough to make that sacrifice obviously. However, I would love some insight on if medically transitioning while enlisted in active duty is possible. I'll probably be at sea often, but I've heard of people beginning HRT with around a year of their enlistment remaining? Any advice would be much appreciated! Thank you ❤️
  6. LouiseRose1954

    Hello! I'm old, and I am new

    Hello luvvlies. I am here thanks to Sarahnr1. I am almost 65 (July 5). I have been pre-op mtf since 1992. In 2011 I had been living female 19yrs, having transitioned while attending one community college and continuing as female at another for 3yrs. I had no problem there. I was accepted and valued as a woman club officer, student and senator. At one time I was the president of the LGBT club and my wife was the secretary in the disabled students club, where I was also activities coordinator. After she died and I moved and met another, we moved around and finally ended up at the same college, where I was once again asked to reside over the disabled club, this time as president. Instead, I made my wife president and became the vp. Then, in 2011 DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles in California) sent me a letter stating I could no longer have a female gender marker on my ID without written proof of SRS by a medical professional, and I could not have any other name than what was on my birth certificate unless there was a court order to do so. It was also stipulated that I could not have a female name unless there was SRS. So I was basically stuck and had to use an ID with a name I had not used since I was 19 and my gender was marked as male. So in August 2011 I finally had no choice but to revert back to living male and stop my hrt. I actually tried to live as a male. But I was getting very frustrated at not fitting in; not having any friends; feeling angry and out of sorts. Added to this, my wife and I tried to help someone by letting them stay with us for two weeks. When they would not leave, I became angry and forceful. They retaliated by threatening gang violence against us, using my previous lifestyle as a threat. The upshot was we were all evicted and my wife and I were homeless. Because my wife is diabetic, disabled and uses a c-pap at night we ended up in the hospital a few times; lived in independent homes a few times; and finally they put her in a care home that did nothing, but just let her sit there. So we ended up moving to her stepsister's boyfriend's house and renting a room from him. We have been living with them, my wife's step-dad, and occasionally her stepbrother. All of them are very homophobic and bigoted, except the boyfriend. We have been dealing with constant fighting since 2016 and finally the boyfriend's mom is allowing us to rent a duplex to us, with him as our manager. We are in the process of moving now, but it is a very slow move. As for my experience as a TS, I started out with a love of wearing nightgowns, nylons and loving furs and dresses. Everyone said it was a phase and I would grow out of it. A lot of times it lead to adolescent release, but mainly it was the clothes felt right. I hated the boy clothes my mother made me wear. My nickname was Waldo. I wore plaid blue, green, and brown pants, with with the corresponding solid short sleeve shirt to match each. Ugh! To this day I hate those colors. By the time I left home I was a born again Christian and I moved into a Christian communal house in San Francisco, called Shiloh House. It was another mission house that put homeless up for the night. They offered soup and bread with water at night and donuts and coffee in the morning. I joined the house and began to help out with chores and reading the bible. Then I went to work as a bike messenger. Finally, I was given the opportunity to go to the ministry school in Oregon. So I did-for 19 months. I was given many opportunities: working in canneries in Alaska, planting trees in Oregon, harvesting trees for the holidays in Washington, picking apples there too. I chose to continue with the ministry after graduation as a cook for a house. I went to Houston via Denver and cooked in both. Then I came back to California and lived in the houses in San Francisco, Sacramento and finally South Lake Tahoe. I worked at Harrah's Club, first as dishwasher, then student cook. I met my first wife there and my desire to wear women's clothes returned there too. My wife and I moved to Alaska and at one point, not knowing my desires, she and a little girl put makeup on me and dressed me as a woman to beat the boredom between jobs. That just reignited my desire to dress and inevitably led to my being caught in her nightgown asleep. After I confessed my desire, she was repulsed by it and said she loved me enough to stand by me and get me the help I needed to be cured of this problem or weakness. After several counselors tried to convince her that there is no cure, she just refused to accept it as a part of me, or us. So I repressed it. We had 3 children, two boys and a girl with a cleft palate. At one point I came home and they were all gone and no one was willing to tell me where. After a year I had to move for a job and only my family knew where I was. All her family stopped talking to me. If I called they hung up. My letters were returned unopened. After another year I received a letter from the court telling me they had just found out I was still alive. My wife had told them I was dead when she brought them our children. They were all in separate homes and due for final placement. Because of the length of time apart from them they could not be placed with me until I went through a reinstatement program and a judge would make a final ruling. I had to move back, find a job and still attend hearings and psychologists meetings. One of my boys was in a special facility for emotionally disturbed children and I tried to visit him. After an interview and answering questions the way I was briefed to, it was determined not in the best interest of my son for me to see him. I did get to visit the other two and had a wonderful visit. But the judge informed my attorney that it did not matter. He had already made his decision to put them up for adoption and sever my parental rights. My attorney advised me to sign the papers, releasing them. I was young and did not know better. I kept thinking I was doing what was best for them. I kept losing jobs because I had to keep taking time off to go to hearings and meetings. They told me if I fought it, they would bring up my sordid juvenile criminal past, with my children in the courtroom and the judge would still be taking them. So it was my choice. So I lost. My wife told me Christianity was a joke to her and wanted a divorce, having never been a believer. So I gave her the divorce. My second wife was older and a leading Christian in church. She totally accepted my desire to wear womens clothes and encouraged me. Later, a psychiatrist found I had frustrations from being raised as a male, when I actually hated all men, including me. So he had me go home to my girlfriend and tell her he wanted me to dress entirely female all the time at home. By the next meeting I knew it was more than just the clothes. I wanted to be a girl/woman. I did not know if it was all the time at that point, but I knew I had to let the girl out. My girlfriend became my wife and she began to raise another daughter. We both went back to college. I transitioned there, without any help from any TG group. I did not even know about any. I thought it was just my weirdness. When I took a human sexuality class the instructor gave me a switchboard number to call and informed me there was a club where doctors and lawyers went to once a month to dress in the gender of their choice. There was also a therapy group to go to. I went there first. That is when I learned there was over 500 like me in the Bay Area! I was gobsmacked! After this I was immersed in the LGBT community of San Francisco. I went to balls, cotillions, dinners, coronations. You name it, I attended. As a trans girl I was one of many that were coat check girls for the coronations of empresses and emperors in the gay court. Many of the gowns and finery would put the Royal Family to shame. I became the Education co-chair for our club and had many speakers come and give presentations. We had Mary Kay tell us how to do makeup, someone else show us the art of wearing wigs, therapists talking about their services, personal shoppers and image consultants, charm school lessons, groups to offer self -defense and tip to keep safe. We went on excursions, shopping trips, cruises. I performed on stage with 'I am what I am' from La Cag Aux Folles, bridging into Diana Ross's 'I'm coming out' as I change into a gorgeous woman in gold lame. It was a fun time and I learned a lot. I was going for SRS and had started my hrt. We had transferred to another college as two women. We were officers in the disabled club because she was disabled and diabetic. But we advanced and even became senators for a while. I became the president of the LGBT club. My wife graduated with four degrees and thirteen certificates. Right after that, we were going to start a business as an umbrella for many businesses. Unfortunately she had a small stroke, a TIA. Then, in 1998 my wife died, and so did I, for a year. I moved away, finally volunteering to be phone bank captain. Eventually I was volunteer coordinator and working with young lesbians. They took me with them after work dancing at the club. I met a woman younger through the campaign and she had me move in with her and roommate. She told me she wanted to get to know me better. I was still grieving, but we still started spending time together. Eventually we moved into our own place and I became her home care worker. We started going to the TG clubs and gay clubs, meeting many of the drag queens there. We moved to where I lived before and my wife loved it. We actually went to the same college. This time I was asked to take over the disabled students club. I compromised by allowing my wife to learn how to run a club and making her president and me vp. We continued there until we were evicted. Our age and health also played a factor in how active we were. Over the years our participation in union, LGBT activities, even church activities have dwindled. I am still just as eager to encourage young people finding their way and welcoming all the accomplishments in the LGBT community, but our dancing and activism days are long gone. I am actually experiencing a lot of memory loss, and those things I learned about applying makeup to cover a beard I am having to relearn. I feel, as I begin to continue my hrt, that I am starting over again. I found out that I did not have to have my ID changed back in 2011. In fact, when I talk about it at the support group no one knows what I am talking about. So now I have the papers necessary to have my name and gender changed on my birth certificate. All we have to do is complete the move and I will take them to court and present them to start the process. So I come here now for the sole purpose to be a part again of a sisterhood. To find and give support to those finding their way. It may take me a while to sift through the forum and topics, but I hope to be positive influence here as I get to know each of you. With love, LouiseRose
  7. RithiaAllen

    Transition Timeline

    @Kirsten I know that you are feeling down about where you are so I figured I would share my timeline so you can see how the changes snow ball over time. If it makes you feel better I'll share with you a visual time line. As you can see there are months and months of awkwardness and eventually it just rapid fire happens. 4 months 5 months 6 Months 7 Months 8 Months 9 Months 10 Months 10 Months 2 weeks 11 Months 12 Months 13 months
  8. JTCaterpillar

    Mildly distressed Heyo!

    Hello from Louisiana, everyone! I have a lot to say so if you don't mind I'll go ahead and start.. I bought a sports bra today. It was $2 from someone on Letgo. My desire to go back in time to be born female is probably the greatest wish I've ever had. I know I prayed that it would happen almost every day from the time I was 6 to when I was like, 12. I grew my hair out to my shoulder blades and it was funny, because people would actually always mistake me as female and I would indignantly correct them. Yet, I would secretly, when no one else was around, tie my hair back in laughably bad ponytails and try to figure how the hell to make mascara look pretty. I never felt comfortable during those years because I was so dedicated to my long hair, but I was so unsettled by my wishes. My father figure was a big beefy man's man who was a Marine and a punk rock drummer. He proved to ultimately be a scumbag but he instilled a sense of manhood in me that I want to improve on. He imposed that classic toxic masculinity while emotionally abusing me and my alcoholic mother. Chin up, sit down, don't cry, grow up, and *grow some -censored- balls.* His constant letdowns created so much inner turmoil in me, and even so, it impacted me. I feel like it's something I have to do.. to be a better man than he ever was. I fantasize about finally growing facial hair (even though now, at 19 it has yet to fully come in yet), and even being a father one day. I want to be strong. I want to be strong *and* retain my sensitivity. Despite this, I feel a dreadful discontentment towards my own sex. I've always felt uncomfortable with my penis and I've never enjoyed its performance. I feel that phantom vagina, that so many other trans people have felt. I still have that wish I've always had, to be born female. It's been this way all my life, just typical suffering. So I bought the sports bra. I've worn it all day and I've felt so happy. I used to be so utterly ashamed. Last week I drunkenly came out to my friends on Twitter that I've always had these feelings about wanting to be female. I received lots of support, but I regretted the admittance, and really considered deleting the tweet altogether when one friend actively held a 1-on-1 conversation with me about my pronouns in our big active Discord. I was secretly incredibly happy to be so open about it but it stressed me out a lot as well. It helped me find solace in that decision, however. I don't know what I want to be. I am a writer, and someone who wants to strive towards a life of meaning over happiness. I still love punk rock more than anything even though the one who showed me the world proved to be my greatest demon. I'm pretty sure I know *who* I want to be. But I'm so utterly lost! I know a therapist is the one to discuss with on this matter. But this is America, and I live on my own. Rent is the priority. I think I am asking for advice, or encouragement. Maybe I just want someone to tell me one way or the other, but we all know how foolish that is. Regardless, I'm planning to join the Navy for 4 years in order to fund my college goals, so I may resort myself to the closet until I'm 24 out of pure necessity.. and that's an utter downer. At least I can have more time to really look within myself and solve my dilemma. I hope you all have a great evening. Thank you so much for reading. THAT means quite a lot to me.
  9. I'm 18 and I knew what " transgender " meant and I watched alot of youtubers talking about it openly, but for me I was gay and maybe a little feminine and in love with girly stuff, until a week ago, that was me but after a video I've watched where a trans woman speak up bout herself and change her name to a feminine one, idk, something hit me and I felt something with that, as if I wanted that, as if that was me and I think it was. Right after that I just couldn't stop thinking and questioning myself bout my gender identity and if gay was the word that could describe me better or maybe a " easy " going word to use to live in this society easily maybe ? I will talk about somethings I like and that I wish I had or could be part of me, parts of my life also, and if you guys identify or relate with something and think it may be part of being trans or dysphoria so then tell me plz ^^ - when I was 6/7 I was with my dad, probably dancing I can't remember, but what I do remember if that I made some angles that are pretty feminine and that made my dad say " what are you doing , it's what girls do, you want me to cut what's between ur legs to be a woman like your mom ? ", I only could think of him cutting " that " off and about bleed ( that tbh I hate seeing ) so I said no and started crying and never ever did that again later... until 16 when I started learning about myself and being feminine again but of course behind their back. - I hate my masculine name and that's why I created a nickname that's more feminine. - when I was a child until my 13, I used to imagine alot of things and stories in my head or put myself into movies and animations, but I was always a girl and never a boy because making a boy didn't look like me. - it's a little bit hard for me to imagine myself with another boy, and it doesn't feel like me, it doesn't look like me being there - I wish I could have boobs like a Cis gender girl, I was always jealous of girls on TV or instagram with long hairs and those boobs. - I look down to my penis and I only see a " thing " that I use to pee, I don't really care about it or want someone to touch it. - I love wearing lipstick but unfortunately I can't use other make up prod. since most of time my parents are at a home and it's hard. - When I look into the mirror, I see a man, I see myself, but it's a weird feeling, as If I was seeing someone else rather than myself, but I never noticed or cared too much and I kept ignoring it until I stopped thinking deeply of it, until now I don't know why only now I'm thinking about it ? Is it maybe because I've always been so shy and never talked about me not even with my parents? Maybe that's why I only could realize it a bit later than most trans do ? Because watching some trans stories, they were always like " I always knew, I never liked these clothes, I never felt comfortable or i never liked to be called by these pronouns " Maybe I didn't really have some of these uncomfortable feelings because I always in some kind of way, was lost in my own mind and I was never an outgoing person. And maybe also it's the fear of being true the thing about " not being a pretty woman or a passable woman ", because I think about it alot even before.
  10. KimberleeBee

    Hi! I'm new to this site.

    Hello. My name I go by is Kimberlee or Kim but not legally yet. I hope to get it changed in the new year. I've been on hrt for 2.5 years. I love dressing girly but it's not practical in my line of work so I just settle for a pink hard hat and pink safety vest. I dress fem on weekends or if I have to go out on a weekday evening. I thought it was going to be rough being a transgendered woman in a male dominated trade but I am accepted and treated very well. (At least to my face) I wish I was able to transition way earlier in my life but better late than never 😁
  11. Hello All, I'm Anna Elizabeth. I have been living as a woman full time since July 2015. This has been a tough year. Two friends passed away, my best friend just last week died. And at the end of January I had a spinal illness, cause still unknown, that took away 90% of the feeling below my waist. I am recovering and can walk with a cane now. I am looking to talk and share with people that can relate to my life as a Transwoman, and I am looking forwards to meeting you all!
  12. This is a much expanded introduction or bio. It gives a little more detail as to my life and my life choices. I was raised in a strict conservative Catholic family. My Dad couldn't have children after a bout with shingles in 1957 so my parents adopted 5 children after having one themselves before the illness. I have always been a little different than the rest of my family and I first want to explain why so you understand some of my life decisions later in the bio. I have always had a very strong need for human touch. I've never had a relationship with another person that I've felt fulfilled with enough touch. My wife unfortunately hates touch. I've worked with a therapist this past year regarding my intense need for touch. After delving into this topic over the years, it likely started right after birth. I had been adopted and left in an orphanage for 6 weeks before being adopted. My adoptive parents went to pick up thier newly adopted baby (not me). It was so sick it had been taken the night before to the hospital. Long story short, my "soon to be" adoptive parents were devastated as they drove 3 hours to pick up that sick baby they couldn't have. The Catholic Adoption Services told them about another baby...me. They saw me and saw the poor condition I was in. My nails were extremely long (maybe that's why I have a nail fetish..but I digress), my body was filthy with a rash covering my legs, arms and stomach and I hadn't been changed in awhile and covered in spit-up. They looked at me and decided if they didn't take me I'd end up like the other child or worse...I'd never find a home. So my therapist suggested, it was this lack of touch during my first 6 weeks of life that may have caused this intense need for touch. At around age 4, I knew I wanted to be like my two older sisters (then 7 & 11 yrs old) from a very young age. They played with me and treated me like I was a girl. I especially loved the feel to touch and the softness of their clothes. They dressed me up and made me the center of attention. I loved everything about it. They eventually stopped dressing me so I started going into their room and doing it myself. I'm sure I didn't do as well at putting together outfits but I was happy. I wasn't ashamed at all. I went downstairs to show mom and I was told not to express myself in that way ever again. That's just how it was back in 1966. I did as I was asked until shortly before puberty. I never questioned it until I started having those "new" feelings we get at about this time. I didn’t know why but my yearning to be a girl intensified and I started crossdressing underneath my boy's clothes. I didn't really understand at all what was happening to me. Though, because of those early warnings, I knew to hide it. There was no internet and library’s had nothing on the subject at the time (I’m 56). So one day, I met a 20 year old man who lived close by who quickly befriended me, everything was great. I had no problem with the age difference. We were just friends. I thought nothing of it at 13 years old. I'd ride my bike over to his house and we'd play on this new (I think it was a Magnavox) video game console he had just bought. We would play for hours. On one occasion he suddenly started massaging my back. I thought it was a little odd but I have always been "touch deprived" so I let him continue. It felt so nice to be wanted like that. Plus, it really felt good. This situation continued for a weeks and seemed harmless as it was just a massage...nothing more. While that was going on I had other seemingly unrelated issues at home. As a teenager, I had been caught dressed once by two of my sisters on 2 separate occasions, my mother found ladies clothing once in my bedroom closet and my father got a possible glimpse of me in a ladies nightgown. I was briefly confronted by each (except my father) but I denied the obvious truth right to their face. I was in denial of the truth but they never mentioned it again. Then one day while still living at home, I went over to hang out with my "man friend" and this particular evening he touched me very differently. It had an affect on me in an incredibly powerful way. It progressed over the years and I never knew if it would end. I only had a relationship with him during this time when I was in junior high and high school. I sometimes regret passing up dating girls until late my senior year of HS when I met my first girlfriend. I felt it was cheating and hid it from him. I felt my relationship with this man had become consensual even though I was still a minor. I was eventually found out only by my brother (1yr younger) when I was 17. He never revealed my secret through his entire life. He had no judgement or negativity. He accepted me as me. I still wasn't sure if I was gay...I know that sounds absolutely crazy but I thought maybe because I had been groomed slowly that just maybe I really didn't like men, maybe if this hadn't happened I'd only like women. So at this point at age 23, I decided to find out by asking myself...am I a gay man who just happens to like to dress as a women or are they related. I called a girlfriend of mine who knew I crossdressed. She hooked me up with an attractive gay man she had told about my crossdressing. We went out and had a wonderful time. Needless to say, after this experience with him, I knew then I was female...completely..at least inside. I had to be. Shortly after this experience though, I fought long and hard with myself to resist my new belief that I'm a woman and did a another of a long list of small purges. I did start to date women and began to work out. It wasn't long before I again thinking about men and becoming a woman. I was struggling day and night and again started slowly restocking my closet. I needed to learn more about this. Why is this repeating over and over. It wasn't going away easily. It was 1985 and I decided to get some help and maybe meet some new friends who are also struggling. I attended my first TS/TV meeting in Seattle. I showed up dressed to the nines in new clothes and makeup with the help of my girlfriends. They helped me tremendously. This was my first time in public fully dressed as a women. I was scared to death but in heaven all at once. I met my "soon to be" roommate at my first meeting. (S)he was there actively looking for answers too and thought (s)he might be Transexual. I knew my feelings inside but thought I'd keep an open mind not to label myself yet. The facilitator asked each of us to introduce ourselves and say a little something about our journey if we felt comfortable doing so. They came around to me and I said, "Hi, I'm Susan and I'm still trying to decide who I am." I gave some additional background and that was that. It was so wonderful and the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I soon moved into a new place with my "soon to be" transitioning TS roommate and we dressed every night until the next day at work. We shopped and then we shopped more. It was a brave time for me. It was wonderful. We always went to Seattle to be around others in an area called Broadway which has always been LBGTQ accepting even before that term existed. I spent a lot of evenings in that area and it made me feel like I was becoming a real woman. This went on for years until my roommate completed SRS surgery and found a new job and eventually relocated to Portland, Ore. I got my own place and made many changes of my own. I continued to be Susan every night after work until work the next day. Unfortunately, I became more of an introvert and recluse over a period of years and eventually felt I needed new friends closer to home. I became involved in a local church that I thought might bring me some wisdom and knowledge regarding my situation. I could not find a single opportunity to ever share my story. I became so involved in church I had lost perspective on why I was there. I lived two completely contradictory lives and it was hurting me deeply inside. I finally decided I was going to change my life once and for all. I meant it this time. I thought I had the power to make a change with nothing but a little hope and will power. I spent the better part of a day getting boxes and packing up every last relic from my female life. Everything had to go. I had years of beautiful dresses, skirts, blouses, jeans, 100's of bras, an entire dresser of panties (no idea how many), outerwear, innerwear, nylons & stockings, coats, 2 wigs, breast forms of every size and material, beautiful jewelry, makeup, pictures & momentos (this still hurts me to think about even today), and the list goes on and on. I only kept a few pairs of conservative unisex style ladies undies because frankly I had no men's undies. It all got delivered to my local Goodwill. So now I figured, out of sight, out of mind. I could now live as a man and find myself a wife and start a family. It wasn't soon after this I found my wife online back at the height of IRC (internet relay chat). My online girlfriend eventually relocated to Seattle in early 1997 with her 3 girls and we started dating in real life. She worked for me until she found a job within her career field. We were married in late 1998. Everything was normal. I had seemingly left my previous life behind. Not even my wife knew anything at all about my previous hidden life. I did hide it well. I never bought ladies clothes so I never dressed. Over the 21 years together, there was only one incident regarding those few ladies undies I kept after the "Big Purge" that might have raised an eye brow or two. That incident came and went and nothing really came of it. My wife's 3 daughters grew up and now they call me “Dad”. I'm the only real Dad figure they have in thier lives. I did what was expected and continued to play Dad. I truly enjoy this part of being a man. My girls are all married in their 30’s now and my wife and I are now empty nesters. I had a lot of time to think about my life. I continued to do what was expected as a husband but even that became mundane to some degree. Fast forward to late 2017, after much thought and deliberation, I decided to get some real help. I made a decision to get a therapist via referral from my old group in Seattle who was and still is very helpful. That therapy helped me look over my life and determine what I want and need. I have made the decision to transition into a woman. Something I should have done many years earlier. However, I would have missed many memories, experiences and blessings during those “straight” years. I have only come out partially to my wife and one other sibling as of this writing. My wife is somewhat accepting but reluctant and does not approve of my taking female hormones. Tomorrow is the beginning of my 12th week on female hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I still have no doubts that I’m on the right path for my life. I was lucky to find incredible support here with my transition as my journey is just beginning. I thank you all for your understanding and non-judgmental advice and relationships. Susan R🌷
  13. Hello everyone I just came to terms with myself and decided I want to come out then start moving forward. But im close to 30 and not sure if the effects of HRT would be able to feminise me enough to pass as female. I'm 5'11 and 185 lbs with little fat and mostly muscles, I'm fairly wide shouldered as well. I think my fear is that I start HRT and never change enough to be comfortable in my own body, so why even start?
  14. I am 26 and have been on hormones for almost 5 years, and thanks to state medical programs funding surgeries and fighting to get on the list for over a year, I am literally first wave under Marci Bowers. I'm so hopeful but Im not sure if I know what Im getting into. I've come to realize that after years of trying and experimenting with what works, I will never be able to get use to having male genitalia. It sticks out, feels foreign and uncomfortable. Makes it hard to walk when it moves (and it's not even big). Not to mention, using it for penetration sex feels really alien and unpleasant, and the only way I can even enjoy touching myself is by rubbing the base through my underwear (in circles, never up and down). I could go into the surgery thinking a vagina will be better, but I've never really had one so I don't know. The thought of it SOUNDS much more comfortable than what I have now but what if it's not and I don't get used to that either. I've seen videos of the procedure and didn't flinch or cringe. I saw that my base sweet spots will still be accessible after, but the head gets fashioned into a clit?! This concerns me because it's an extremely uncomfortable feeling when ANYONE touches the head, and yes that includes me. What if I feel the same discomfort with the clit? I've tried to ask trans friends about my concerns and they usually just give me vague responses like "I can't tell you. You can only decide that for yourself." it makes it extra confusing? Cause like what if I'm picking between something I know is absolute hell and something that might also be hell. I'm not worried that I'm gonna miss my cumbersome crotch tumor one bit. I'm not. I'm really just worried if there's a chance I could be miserable either way. Am I overthinking this?
  15. StrainAsylum

    Regrets, anyone?

    Just wondering if anyone here has had any regrets following their transition? While doing research, I looked for information on those with regrets or who had retransitioned, but there's not a lot of information that is verifiable. Conservatives, of course, say there are a good many who are sorry they did and either retransition or commit suicide. Other sources say that less than 1% regret transitioning. I can't find information on any studies that have followed up on those who have transitioned. There was one done a while back, but it had was only about 230 subjects and was limited to trans women. I don't care whether trans men or trans women, by the way. Just, are you happy? Would you do it again?
  16. So I am a 47 year old MTF. I have been transitioning for about a year, completely out for 7 months and on HRT for just over two months. I know that I want to complete my transition with Gender Reasignment Surgery. My question is, when should I start looking into the procedure and identifying potential surgeons. Is it ever to soon? When I do find a match, what can I expect for a normal wait period? I am awRe that rule of thumb is to be living as the desired gender for two years and that I also need two referrals from therapists. Any insight would be grateful. Makayla
  17. Hello everyone, I hope you're all doing okay. Some of you maybe already know it, but France doesn't seem very open about transgender stuff and it's hard to find anything that could help. I couldn't find anything in my area and I don't really know what to do...I also live near Geneva and Lausanne in Switzerland, being close to the border, on the french side. Does anyone know any therapist around that area? If not, do you perhaps know places in the world that will take care of a foreigner? I'm going to Japan this summer, and I guess I can plan other trips in the future if that's what it takes to access help.. If anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it Thank you
  18. I need to feel me feminine and I believe this may help
  19. Hey, Last time i posted here I think I was still questioning and unsure... after a few therapy sessions with my school therapist, they've helped me realized that my only fear continuing on is the fact of what others might think, and that I really shouldn't be afraid, and if some friends do think differently of me then they probably aren't real friends. I've started voice training at a Voice Therapy place, and I'll be going to the Mazzoni center next week to set up appointments to start hrt. Im both excited and nervous but the entire thing that I have experienced up to this point has made me nothing but happy and I am both excited and nervous about hrt. -J
  20. As I identify as MTF, some people have dated me just to 'test out' dating a transgender. It is difficult to pass in high school as female, I just am wondering will love ever find me? This has been a difficult time the amount of relationships I have been used in. Can someone help?
  21. Sophie

    Hi all

    Hi all. I'm a middle aged mtf just starting on the road to transition. Have a semi supportive wife(she's not sure yet, but agrees I'm doing the right thing) but no one else is aware yet. I'm kinda typical of a lot of girls in knowing something has always been different & I've suppressed feelings for far too long at the cost of my mental health. I've started therapy which has been amazing to say the least, seen a GP for referral to GIC & also in contact with genderGP about hrt. Looking forward to getting to know some others here & asking dumb questions. Sophie
  22. So about a month and a half ago I came out to my best friends and shortly after that I announced it to the world via Instagram. I was bombarded by friends, family and even people I didn’t know saying that they’re proud of me and that they’ll be there to support me if I ever need anyone, so off the bat it seemed that my transition was off to a great start. Strange enough it seems to be quite the opposite. Those I’ve hit up to talk to or hangout all have given shallow responses as if our friendship isn’t what it was prior to me coming out. At first I was filled with joy about being able to achieve this dream of mine, but for some reason the past few weeks I’ve been severely depressed so much so I barely leave my room, avoid social situations, have lost all of my appetite and more. And now because of this my two closest friends aka my roommates have began to disatach themselves from me. I know they don’t know how I’ve been feeling lately, but it just seems that if your friend who was once full of life stops being so full of it out of nowhere you’d see what’s up with them and check on how they’re doing, but not from these guys. Maybe they don’t think it’s their place to get involved in my emotions, which have been all over the place sense coming out. This may just be a sign that they are no longer true friends if that’s the case I guess ill have to live with that. On in the bright side I do have some people who have actually made more of an effort in reaching out to me and I think I’ve gained a better connection with them.
  23. I've not been able to find anything on this really. One of the things that keeps my voice from passing is the raspiness. Since I don't think there is a way to not be raspy who are some raspy voiced girls besides Stevie Nicks? I'm not sure how to translate it to speaking though. Singing seems to be the best way of gaining control of pitch. http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/watchandlisten/play/b66274ed1 I'm not a great singer but this is where I am now. XD
  24. Dev

    MtF Transition Topics Meeting

    until
    This support group meeting is held online in the TransPulse live chat rooms. It is scheduled from 9:00 to 10:00 PM Eastern time every Monday. MtF members are invited to join to discuss topics related to transitioning and other challenges facing the MtF community. Location: MtF Room Moderator: Ashley40
  25. Dev

    MtF Post Op Meeting

    until
    This support group meeting is held online in the TransPulse live chat rooms. It is scheduled from 8:00 to 10:00 PM Eastern time every Thursday. Both pre- and post-op MtF members are invited to join to discuss topics related to SRS. Location: MtF Room Moderator: Ashley40
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