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  1. I’ve known I was trans for nearly three years now, yet I am still to fully decide upon a new name for myself. For context I’m 17, MtF, mostly out to my friends and family and my birth name is Samuel. I’ve switched between a ton of different names including Samantha, Chloe, Hazel, Holly, Erin, and more. Each time I recognise them as being ‘good names’, but it never feels as though they ‘click’ if that makes sense. I’ve never tried a name which I thought would 100% suit me. im wondering if any other trans people out there, FtM and MtF, might’ve encountered a similar problem. I feel like having a proper name would help solidify my identity, like having something to call my own. But it feels like I’ve read every name in the dictionary and I’m more lost than ever. What are you’re experiences with this kind of thing? any replies would be really great, thank you.
  2. Lilly James

    Buying bras

    So I have a question regarding bras. Being born male and now wanting to present more female along with top dysphoria I've decided to wear bras. However with this I've discovered two issues. Number 1 - being in the closet to nearly everyone means I'm only going to wear one with a small or next to no cup. This is so I can feel more comfortable in public and at work. What are the best ways to go about getting one and what kinds would you recommend. 2. I'm really nervous about buying them in public. I feel like people and cashiers will judge me as so far I don't pass at all. I'd like to try online but I live with parents and they are home all the time. If a parcel arrives they always ask what's in it and even if I lie they still want to see it. Sorry for the long post but any help on the subject will be much appreciated.
  3. Jamie231

    Coming out

    So I've been seeing my shrink weekly now for almost 4 months, I've been diagnosed with identity disorder (I cant remember the right word, starts with a p...lol) (and I start HRT on March 18th), my wife has been thinking I have been seeing her for depression. I have come out to my 2 daughters (15 and 23), and my mom, all of which have been very accepting of it. My 2 younger daughters with my current wife (5 and 7) do not know, but are really to young to understand yet, and my 2 sons (16 and 18) I have yet to come out to, as they both look up to dad 100% and are following in my younger foot prints. So I saw both my shrink and primary care doc (who also knows, and said I have the best team in the area for this), on the same day and they both made me realize that it is time to talk to my wife, as she should know. So I did that eve. She didnt take it well at all, she thinks that I am either crazy or sysco and will not see my shrink with me. The next day, she told me that 'i better think myself straight' or she will leave me and take our 2 daughters with her, as she does not want to be in that kind of relationship and she doesn't want our daughters around that either (I know there are laws to protect me, so that doesn't matter, i cant lose seeing my daughters). And how she didnt marry into that type of life and how she doesn't believe in that. So I am at a loss, I have seen my shrink sense and cried about the whole session. I cant hide who I am and who I want to be anymore, it is just causing more and more problems. So i am thinking that I will 'hide' it until after the holidays and after I get some funding saved to be able to get my own house (also I'm disabled, so funding is tight for me). I know I wont feel good that way, but I think that is the only way to do this. I would rather have her stay, as I do love her with all I am, but I guess we weren't meant to be sole mates after all (it kills me to write that). Everyone's journey is different and here starts mine.
  4. lauraincolumbia


    Hi All, I'm finally ready to do a more detailed introduction. I've been somewhat active in the forums for months now, but finally think I'm ready to tell my story. Not sure if this is the right place. I am a questioning girl in her mid-upper-forties in central Maryland (Between Baltimore and DC). Not sure which came first, not feeling right as a boy, or being jealous of my sisters, that my mom would take them shopping, hair salon, get nails done, etc, while leaving me at home. Not sure it matters, but I've been wearing and feeling natural in girl's/women's clothes since I was a pre-teen. The attitude in my family was "Do it if you must, but we don't want to see it, and don't take anyone elses clothes, and don't spend money." which led to a lifelong habit of hiding everything, not just gender issues and eating habits, but sports, music and school, and in adult-hood, work, life, income, and spending habits. I'm married twice, to very different, yet in ways similar women. My first marriage ended in part because of my gender issues, but the final straw for me was that she didn't want to see any kind of counselor to work/talk about her own issues, let alone us as a couple. I've now been married to another woman for three and half years. In general we get along great, with many similarities and interests. We seem to love each other very much. She discovered not long before our wedding that I had gender issues, but she thought it was "just" crossdressing, and that I could/would stop. We start going to couples counseling, but in reality it's focused on me. Two years later, she found out that I was back to doing it, I swore I would stop again. We bring it up with the couple's counselor, and refocus on me. Six months later, she finds out again. We are still seeing the same therapist, but by now a lot of the attention had shifted to starting a family ( she really wanted to, but I was on the fence). My issues with gender were only part of the concern. As she's getting older, she created a deadline, that by the end of this year, realistically before Christmas 2019, we had to make the decision to start fertility treatments to start a family. This became intense a month ago, with a little over a week left. A lot of discussions were "forced", i.e. things that should have taken time to work out, have to be discussed and settled before I'm ready to start a family. A lot of things that mattered to her before, i.e. finances, owning a house, jobs, vacations, no longer matter to her. She just wants to start a family. She claims she accepts me for who I am. Unfortunately, she doesn't behave that way. To me, her acceptance is "you're compelled to do it, but don't do it". Our couples therapist is super experienced with degrees from the best schools, she has told us that she can handle all of the scenarios, but when I really pushed on the questions of "Am I a crossdresser, or am I really transgender", she finally gave in and said she would bring in a gender therapist as a consultant, but after a month, the best she did was print out a few pages from DSM V. So, after today's couples therapy session, I'm back to feeling very alone and ready to back to being separated/divorced, so I can figure out where I belong. Sorry for the long winded reintroduction...
  5. Hello to all, I wanted to introduce myself to all. I have been reading alot of your stories and have gotten a ton of information from a bunch of you. I am Jamie (or one day (hopefully soon) will be). I am in transition MTF, I have been seeing my Shrink now for about 3 months and have been approved for HRT, had my letter turned into my endocrinologist and accepted by her as a new patient. I have been diagnosed with gender / indenity disphoria. I am 48 years young, just about 49. I have always kinda wondered about being female on the inside, but trapped in a man's body. It wasn't until about 6 months ago when it really per say 'hit me' and realized on the inside the my outside isn't me. So I'll be starting with my HRT in the middle of March (unless they have some cancel prior), my endocrinologist is extremely busy. But I wanted to say hi and introduce myself to all. And let you know I have read alot from all of you and I know I will read alot more. And I have some questions to ask for some device on. Merry Christmas to all and talk again soon Jamie
  6. Huzzah! As of yesterday, my very expensive bottom surgery is funded! Now I can go ahead and finalize plans, buy tickets, reserve hotels, figure out how to pay the hospital, etc... So, by way of celebration, I'm going to start a thread. What's the weirdest conversation someone struck up with you in relation to your transition? For some reason people find me very approachable, but I can't be the only one. Can I? Mine happened about two months ago. (August 2019) I'm changing in the men's locker room because bathroom laws. If I'm going to make someone uncomfortable, it's not going to be the group that's already oppressed thank you very much. So I'm "changing." Really all I'm doing is ditching my street clothes. I have my gym clothes underneath. And the guy changing next to me says, "You've got some balls bringing those (my breasts) in here." I paused. What do you SAY to that? So what's going through my mind? I assure you, my balls had nothing to do with them. Maybe, I'm sorry, do they offend? Why are you staring at my chest? Sorry, they follow me wherever I go? I tried to leave them home, but they cry? I went with, "I'm sorry if they make you uncomfortable, but by law I can't use the women's locker room for a few months yet." He just grunted back. Gotta love male communication. So please, share any funny/weird encounters. I can't possibly be the only person this happens to. Hugs!
  7. AnnaD


    hi, i have too much libido (im in the middle of male puberty), is there any way to lessen it or stop it? it makes me feel horrible and sick thanks
  8. Hi All, my name is Sarina (for now). I’m beginning my MTF transition, not yet on hormones and not yet out to family and friends. I’m 41, live in Southern California. I have a wonderful wife and three kids aged 21, 9, and 4. I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and intro myself to the forum. So far all of this has been super informative and positive (I even found solid tips for helping to grow out my hair) =) I look forward to learning more about this journey I am beginning, and meeting some great new peeps along the way! -S
  9. "Body" Mother Mother https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o0WYiK52Dg "Transgender Dysphoria Blues" Against Me! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTkmsAJvJwQ "Boys Will Be Boys" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JogfQGwB7dI "Cut My Hair" Mounika (it's based off of the song This Is Home by Cavetown, which is next on my list) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqfDjmAkq7U "This Is Home" Cavetown https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YgmMJJ34k4 "Androgyny" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e2BetO0w-U "Bleed Like Me" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONgrSX47qYA "Candy Says" The Velvet Underground https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFY5ko4sAyI "Giant Woman" From Steven Universe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7IHZv5Q594 "Identity Lost In A Mirror" TheMindless Cannibal https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qyFn-MamXY
  10. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  11. Sahara

    Advice for coming out

    Hi so I have identified as non-binary until this weekend(more on that later). I never started correcting pronouns to they them (from he him) I have come out before(and been intentionally outed ) as bisexual so it is not a completely new experience. More about gender now. So I have identified as non binary for most of the year and been out in my schools QSA. I have not been out to any friends or family for nonbinary. Sunday night I looked in the mirror and saw a girl and that really sparked something or made me realize something about myself. I have not talked to anyone other than my counselor about that. I have never liked being a physical boy but I have never had as much dysphoria as I have now. I want to come out to my parents at least as genderqueer or questioning. I also want to correct pronouns to they them theirs and I do not want to correct to she her hers because I really have only realized that or something since Sunday. I am worried about switching pronouns (they them theirs) because I do not want to “come out as the wrong thing”. I also sometimes think that the only reason that I “want” to be something other than a boy is because all my friends are girls. So what the -expletive- should I do. So yeah
  12. Hi, my name's Lee. I'd like to share my coming out story...and what happened afterwards. I started having doubts--or think about--my gender early in the summer and I talked it over with my girlfriend who was having similar doubts and we came to different conclusions. Me, that I didn't feel fully male, and her that she was just confused. Then, in December, after a long period of depression, the same thoughts started coming back to me, and after discovering a friend of mine was non-binary I thought I was non-binary, too. I told my girlfriend immediately and we started experimenting with pronouns and we came up with the name Lee. At first I considered myself agender, genderqueer or even fluid, but little by little I began to realize I actually felt...feminine. At first my girlfriend remained supportive, only later telling me she was having doubts. But we stayed together until I came out to my parents on 3/17/19. Which was...a disaster. I did it on impulse, writing them a letter after having received renewed support from my girlfriend even if she had grown distant and somewhat cold in the previous days. And after I gave it to them, at first they seemed shocked but ready to work on accepting me...and then they started railing on me out of hurt. The next day my girlfriend offered me to come to her house for comfort and we ended up arguing as we had been doing on WhatsApp for the past week or two. She asked for a week of distance, and went on a school vacation to Greece the next day. The day of the 10th recurrence of our first date, which we'd decided to set as a date for anniversaries. A week later, 3/25/19, she broke with me because she couldn't handle the stress I was feeling about the situation coupled with her own, and asked me not to speak, call or message her for a month. I did just that and ended up crying nearly every day. My parents only kept saying (as they do to this day) two things: "I told you so" and "She can't love you as Lee if she fell in love with you as (deadname)". I soldiered through half of April. I met new people, broke off other relations, and so on. Then, out of the blu, on 4/18/19, a week earlier than what we'd promised, she texted me. My mind blew. We fought and flirted and sexted and all around effed about until we met two days later at her house on a whim and we effed again--or tried to. She said she "Loved (deadname)". We broke down in tears and we fought again. We spent hours arguing until we seemingly came up with the solution of starting from scratch to see if she could 'fall in love with Lee too'. And so we tried. On 4/25 we went to a museum and then afterwards to my house and made love. We kept writing each other affectionate letters every evening throughout. But she grew distant again and, Yesterday 5/1/19, she grew angry at me out of the blue after we lost each other in the crowd at a concert we'd gone to with a couple of friends. I followed her to the subway hoping to find some answers and she told me she just couldn't do it. Her feelings were confused and mixed and she didn't love me anymore but only felt physical attraction and affection, while I was still in love with her. So she broke with me...for, like, the fourth time. That was Yesterday. I still can't believe it. I don't know what to do right now, how to deal with the pain. We struck a deal to meet on Sunday so that she could clarify when and how she'd stopped to love me and try to sort out our lives without too much damage. I cried I don't know how many times today, because I still can't believe it. I can't still find a reason for why she'd stop loving me. Too much stress, yes, but…she'd remained loving right before that fight on 3/18. She's the first person I came out to. The first person to accept and support me. But now... Yeah, that's the question right there. What now?
  13. Stephi

    Too old to transition?

    Good morning. My name is Stephani and just recently joined TransPulse Forums. I introduced myself in the newcomers section so I won't repeat myself, but I do have a very serious question to put out there. I'm sure it's been answered before: When is it (realistically ) too late to transition? I have struggled with gender dysphoria since the age of 4. Over the years I have endured ridicule, scorn, and rejection. I have been beaten an abused several times earlier in life when I asserted my feminine persona. Eventually I would emotionally suppress my intense desire to transition. Finally, in my early 50's, I resolved to get gender counseling and therapy to address my transsexuality. At long last I was set to begin HRT, but on the very day I was to start, a phone call from my primary care physician indicated that I had cancer. 9 years later I am cancer-free after several bouts. But I am almost 60 (May 4, 1959) and in the recent years my body image has gone from bad to worse. My wife and son were incredible supports during my illness and I don't want to disrupt their lives any more than I have I'm not sure what to do. Do I just resign myself to unfortunate fate, or do I move forward? Thanks for reading, and thanks for responding if you care to do so, ❤️
  14. Camie

    Long way to go

    I am a very big girl, and I got a lot of weight to cut (over 100 lbs), but I am determined! I started doing a lot of walking and calorie counting. I got an app that helps me track calories and exercise. Counting calories really woke me up to how many calories I was eating. Now I enjoy the challenge of eating as yummy as I can for as few calories as possible. I am really hopeful, 2019 has been my wake up call to self-care! My motivation currently is I just started hrt march 1st and I want to get fit so when I start putting on fat in the right places it's visible. Super scared of not passing when I get to the point I want to present female. Any advice at staying motivated, setting goals and/or tips for walks is appreciated!
  15. Michelle F

    How I Came Out & Why I Waited

    Oh dear! Coming Out! It's a lengthy read... Here goes… Officially, I came Out as Transgender MtF in May of 2018! This is how it all began... My Mother passed peacefully on June 5, 2013 somewhere between 9a and 10:30a. I went to Walmart for our monthly supplies. I am an only child and she was the last of my family. I was the last man standing in the whole fam damily. Because I my only personal income was SSI at the time, less than $900. I couldn't afford where we lived so I became homeless. For two years I wandered California from Humboldt County south to Fort Bragg - on to San Luis Obispo on the Pacific Coast Hwy - then back north on US 101 up to San Francisco - continuing up to Redding on I-5 and back to Humboldt via US 299. In late 2015 I was compelled to stay in Humboldt. On August 30, the VA decided I was disabled enough to warrant Non-Service Related Pension. I got $3000 back pay and then $1000 a month since. My hips were about to separate from my torso. Only flesh and tendons were holding me together. Both were equally bone to bone. Femur to pelvis! So I bought a travel trailer and moved it to an RV park. Now I have residence I can get hips replaced ASAP. On April 16, 2016 my left hip was replaced. One week in hospital recovery. Three weeks in rehab. The next August 16, the right hip was replaced. I walked in at 5 am. Had surgery and walked out at 4:15pm (FYI: At this time I had Hepatitis C type 2a from a transfusion while serving in the US NAVY in 1972) In May of 2017 right after Mother's Day I headed south again. Bad relationship and too cold now with titanium ceramic alloy hips. I was done with Humboldt County. AMTRAK here I come. I heard Healthcare was more accessible in Socal. When I got to San Luis Obispo I went VSO. First I asked about housing; then I asked about Hep C treatment. They said I needed to go to Loma Linda Veterans Hospital outside Riverside. On my way there I learned Palm Springs area had the best treatment for Hep C and HIV so off I went. I figured if they are experience with two major deadly viruses then I'd be in good hands. On May 22, 2017 at 2am I arrived in downtown Palm Springs on AMTRAK. I learned that I could get a hot meal and some useful info at a Church. So I went there. At 11a I was given a ride to the Church where I met my partner Shawn. (We had lunch and talked. We moved in together a few months later and we are still together). That week I signed up for Hep C treatment and met my current Primary Care Physician. (fast forward to March 30 2018. In April 2018 I was Officially declared cured of Hepatitis C!) (FYI - at this point I was a Straight CISGender man. At least I thought was. I was anything but Comfortable In my Skin!) Still early April... I was feeling off...more so, I made an appointment to see my Doc and see why I was feeling the way I felt. Keep in mind, the Doctor I picked just so happened to be a top local Transgender specialist. I didn't know that at this point. More on this later. I explained how I felt. He seemed concerned and ordered more bloodwork. He suggested that I make myself comfortable at home and relax for a week. He said he had an idea what was wrong and we'll discuss it after he sees the lab report. So I made my follow-up app’t and went home. That evening I was thinking about my comfort levels. When I lived alone I would sleep nude. All my life I did. Being an old hippie nudity was common and not a bad thing. I can't sleep with clothing on. The bed has clothing why do I need clothing? I knew Shawn was gay and he accepted my hetero preference without pressure nor too many questions. All was good in the universe. We shared a bedroom with two twin beds in an ‘Homeless Transitional Housing’ scenario while looking for a place we could afford. We are very compatible and work well together so living together seemed logical. I was laying there on my bed watching tv. Out of the blue I casually asked for permission to sleep nude as I didn't want to offend him and I reassured him that I am not seeking an advance. He laughed and said “Of course! Be comfortable. Don't worry, be happy.” A week later I go to my follow-up. My Doc seemed cheerful enough and not overly concerned with anything specific. Then we started going over the lab report. His first question: Are you always tired? Answer: Absolutely not. Can't sleep more than 6 hours a night. I don't need an alarm clock. I know when I'll get up by what time I go to bed. Second question: How's your sex life? Answer: Non existent! Third: Do you masturbate regularly? Ans: Yes… Well… I try…!? What he said next changed my life… “Both your free and serum Testosterone are very low. It would be normal if you were a woman. While your Free and serum Estradiol would be normal for a man it would be very low for a woman. Do you now or have you ever thought you might have feminine proclivities? “Well,” I said, “as a matter of fact, as a child I thought I was a malformed girl. I had different plumbing. In the neighborhood I grew up in there were no boys my age. All were very much older or way younger. I had a dozen girlfriends growing up. Two male friends by the 4th grade” Then he asked me again how I felt now… All of a sudden I remembered a wish I had made many years ago. I wished I was a girl. All those thoughts came flooding back. I became sad. Deep inside I still yearned for that female proclivity to be in charge. So I said softly. “I am feeling vulnerable. I feel embarrassed! That's when the bomb dropped. He clearly noticed my visible sadness. He said, “Have you ever thought of transitioning?” Huh??? I had never heard of such a thing. I said, “Please explain!” He called it ended Dysphoria. He then proceeded to tell me about Transgender and MtF conversion and what that entails. At this point I missed everything he said. The thought of becoming a woman was all I could think about. So many times I had thought there has got to be a better way. I've always felt feminine. Also, ever since 7th grade… middle school, I had been accused of being gay. Not me! No friggin way. When he stopped talking I must have had a blank or puzzled look on my face. He asked if I was alright? I said, “maybe (long pause)” Then with all seriousness I looked him straight in the eye and asked point blank, “ ...and just exactly HOW do I go about transitioning?” He said, “When you present to me, here at DAP, full-time as female, then we'll talk!” I asked, “ok when can I have my next appointment?” He said “I'll be right back” A couple minutes later his nurse comes in and told me tomorrow. I ask what do I do to present properly? She said, “Come in dressed as a woman. When you commit to full-time you'll start HRT.” “Hmmm… That's all? THAT'S ALL??? REALLY???”, I quipped. He just nodded nd held the door open... I got home and proceeded to attempt at dressing up! Shawn was like, “Okay… what's going on. So I told him. He knew what's up. I didn't. So he explained the finer details of dressing like a girl and then asked me if I was really serious. I reiterated that I was. I had no family to convince or argue with. I had no old friends either. I was a stranger in a strange land and I was ready for change. He then helped me dress convincingly. He has a sister so he was somewhat an authority. One of the women that lived there helped me with some simple makeup. You know eyeliner and shadow. Some mascara and she feminized my brows. I had long hair but bald. So I donned a black and white camo Aussie Bush Hat, a turquoise tank top and cut-off jeans n flip flops. She did my nails with a nice turquoise polish. Boom! I didn't look bad. Actually somewhat convincing! Shawn also explained that if I am honestly straight and still thinking of being a woman then I could very well be transgender. Caitlyn Jenner and Chelsea Manning came to mind and I got it immediately! So… I came out on Tax day 2018… LoL! I have not worn men's clothing since. I started HRT on April 16, 2018. Today, my breasts are a natural B cup. I am getting a girlish figure and I have begun electrolysis on my face and will be getting GRS soon. I have submitted both letters of medical necessity. I have met my Top Surgeon! Life is good... So there is my back story. This is how I came out. Why and when and I am so glad I did! Love, Michelle
  16. Hey all! I'll be joining the Navy for 4 years this summer to pay for my college, though I'm... less than ecstatic about the thought of being completely closeted until I'm 24. I would really like to get on HRT when I can but my future as a whole is important enough to make that sacrifice obviously. However, I would love some insight on if medically transitioning while enlisted in active duty is possible. I'll probably be at sea often, but I've heard of people beginning HRT with around a year of their enlistment remaining? Any advice would be much appreciated! Thank you ❤️
  17. LouiseRose1954

    Hello! I'm old, and I am new

    Hello luvvlies. I am here thanks to Sarahnr1. I am almost 65 (July 5). I have been pre-op mtf since 1992. In 2011 I had been living female 19yrs, having transitioned while attending one community college and continuing as female at another for 3yrs. I had no problem there. I was accepted and valued as a woman club officer, student and senator. At one time I was the president of the LGBT club and my wife was the secretary in the disabled students club, where I was also activities coordinator. After she died and I moved and met another, we moved around and finally ended up at the same college, where I was once again asked to reside over the disabled club, this time as president. Instead, I made my wife president and became the vp. Then, in 2011 DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles in California) sent me a letter stating I could no longer have a female gender marker on my ID without written proof of SRS by a medical professional, and I could not have any other name than what was on my birth certificate unless there was a court order to do so. It was also stipulated that I could not have a female name unless there was SRS. So I was basically stuck and had to use an ID with a name I had not used since I was 19 and my gender was marked as male. So in August 2011 I finally had no choice but to revert back to living male and stop my hrt. I actually tried to live as a male. But I was getting very frustrated at not fitting in; not having any friends; feeling angry and out of sorts. Added to this, my wife and I tried to help someone by letting them stay with us for two weeks. When they would not leave, I became angry and forceful. They retaliated by threatening gang violence against us, using my previous lifestyle as a threat. The upshot was we were all evicted and my wife and I were homeless. Because my wife is diabetic, disabled and uses a c-pap at night we ended up in the hospital a few times; lived in independent homes a few times; and finally they put her in a care home that did nothing, but just let her sit there. So we ended up moving to her stepsister's boyfriend's house and renting a room from him. We have been living with them, my wife's step-dad, and occasionally her stepbrother. All of them are very homophobic and bigoted, except the boyfriend. We have been dealing with constant fighting since 2016 and finally the boyfriend's mom is allowing us to rent a duplex to us, with him as our manager. We are in the process of moving now, but it is a very slow move. As for my experience as a TS, I started out with a love of wearing nightgowns, nylons and loving furs and dresses. Everyone said it was a phase and I would grow out of it. A lot of times it lead to adolescent release, but mainly it was the clothes felt right. I hated the boy clothes my mother made me wear. My nickname was Waldo. I wore plaid blue, green, and brown pants, with with the corresponding solid short sleeve shirt to match each. Ugh! To this day I hate those colors. By the time I left home I was a born again Christian and I moved into a Christian communal house in San Francisco, called Shiloh House. It was another mission house that put homeless up for the night. They offered soup and bread with water at night and donuts and coffee in the morning. I joined the house and began to help out with chores and reading the bible. Then I went to work as a bike messenger. Finally, I was given the opportunity to go to the ministry school in Oregon. So I did-for 19 months. I was given many opportunities: working in canneries in Alaska, planting trees in Oregon, harvesting trees for the holidays in Washington, picking apples there too. I chose to continue with the ministry after graduation as a cook for a house. I went to Houston via Denver and cooked in both. Then I came back to California and lived in the houses in San Francisco, Sacramento and finally South Lake Tahoe. I worked at Harrah's Club, first as dishwasher, then student cook. I met my first wife there and my desire to wear women's clothes returned there too. My wife and I moved to Alaska and at one point, not knowing my desires, she and a little girl put makeup on me and dressed me as a woman to beat the boredom between jobs. That just reignited my desire to dress and inevitably led to my being caught in her nightgown asleep. After I confessed my desire, she was repulsed by it and said she loved me enough to stand by me and get me the help I needed to be cured of this problem or weakness. After several counselors tried to convince her that there is no cure, she just refused to accept it as a part of me, or us. So I repressed it. We had 3 children, two boys and a girl with a cleft palate. At one point I came home and they were all gone and no one was willing to tell me where. After a year I had to move for a job and only my family knew where I was. All her family stopped talking to me. If I called they hung up. My letters were returned unopened. After another year I received a letter from the court telling me they had just found out I was still alive. My wife had told them I was dead when she brought them our children. They were all in separate homes and due for final placement. Because of the length of time apart from them they could not be placed with me until I went through a reinstatement program and a judge would make a final ruling. I had to move back, find a job and still attend hearings and psychologists meetings. One of my boys was in a special facility for emotionally disturbed children and I tried to visit him. After an interview and answering questions the way I was briefed to, it was determined not in the best interest of my son for me to see him. I did get to visit the other two and had a wonderful visit. But the judge informed my attorney that it did not matter. He had already made his decision to put them up for adoption and sever my parental rights. My attorney advised me to sign the papers, releasing them. I was young and did not know better. I kept thinking I was doing what was best for them. I kept losing jobs because I had to keep taking time off to go to hearings and meetings. They told me if I fought it, they would bring up my sordid juvenile criminal past, with my children in the courtroom and the judge would still be taking them. So it was my choice. So I lost. My wife told me Christianity was a joke to her and wanted a divorce, having never been a believer. So I gave her the divorce. My second wife was older and a leading Christian in church. She totally accepted my desire to wear womens clothes and encouraged me. Later, a psychiatrist found I had frustrations from being raised as a male, when I actually hated all men, including me. So he had me go home to my girlfriend and tell her he wanted me to dress entirely female all the time at home. By the next meeting I knew it was more than just the clothes. I wanted to be a girl/woman. I did not know if it was all the time at that point, but I knew I had to let the girl out. My girlfriend became my wife and she began to raise another daughter. We both went back to college. I transitioned there, without any help from any TG group. I did not even know about any. I thought it was just my weirdness. When I took a human sexuality class the instructor gave me a switchboard number to call and informed me there was a club where doctors and lawyers went to once a month to dress in the gender of their choice. There was also a therapy group to go to. I went there first. That is when I learned there was over 500 like me in the Bay Area! I was gobsmacked! After this I was immersed in the LGBT community of San Francisco. I went to balls, cotillions, dinners, coronations. You name it, I attended. As a trans girl I was one of many that were coat check girls for the coronations of empresses and emperors in the gay court. Many of the gowns and finery would put the Royal Family to shame. I became the Education co-chair for our club and had many speakers come and give presentations. We had Mary Kay tell us how to do makeup, someone else show us the art of wearing wigs, therapists talking about their services, personal shoppers and image consultants, charm school lessons, groups to offer self -defense and tip to keep safe. We went on excursions, shopping trips, cruises. I performed on stage with 'I am what I am' from La Cag Aux Folles, bridging into Diana Ross's 'I'm coming out' as I change into a gorgeous woman in gold lame. It was a fun time and I learned a lot. I was going for SRS and had started my hrt. We had transferred to another college as two women. We were officers in the disabled club because she was disabled and diabetic. But we advanced and even became senators for a while. I became the president of the LGBT club. My wife graduated with four degrees and thirteen certificates. Right after that, we were going to start a business as an umbrella for many businesses. Unfortunately she had a small stroke, a TIA. Then, in 1998 my wife died, and so did I, for a year. I moved away, finally volunteering to be phone bank captain. Eventually I was volunteer coordinator and working with young lesbians. They took me with them after work dancing at the club. I met a woman younger through the campaign and she had me move in with her and roommate. She told me she wanted to get to know me better. I was still grieving, but we still started spending time together. Eventually we moved into our own place and I became her home care worker. We started going to the TG clubs and gay clubs, meeting many of the drag queens there. We moved to where I lived before and my wife loved it. We actually went to the same college. This time I was asked to take over the disabled students club. I compromised by allowing my wife to learn how to run a club and making her president and me vp. We continued there until we were evicted. Our age and health also played a factor in how active we were. Over the years our participation in union, LGBT activities, even church activities have dwindled. I am still just as eager to encourage young people finding their way and welcoming all the accomplishments in the LGBT community, but our dancing and activism days are long gone. I am actually experiencing a lot of memory loss, and those things I learned about applying makeup to cover a beard I am having to relearn. I feel, as I begin to continue my hrt, that I am starting over again. I found out that I did not have to have my ID changed back in 2011. In fact, when I talk about it at the support group no one knows what I am talking about. So now I have the papers necessary to have my name and gender changed on my birth certificate. All we have to do is complete the move and I will take them to court and present them to start the process. So I come here now for the sole purpose to be a part again of a sisterhood. To find and give support to those finding their way. It may take me a while to sift through the forum and topics, but I hope to be positive influence here as I get to know each of you. With love, LouiseRose
  18. RithiaAllen

    Transition Timeline

    @Kirsten I know that you are feeling down about where you are so I figured I would share my timeline so you can see how the changes snow ball over time. If it makes you feel better I'll share with you a visual time line. As you can see there are months and months of awkwardness and eventually it just rapid fire happens. 4 months 5 months 6 Months 7 Months 8 Months 9 Months 10 Months 10 Months 2 weeks 11 Months 12 Months 13 months
  19. JTCaterpillar

    Mildly distressed Heyo!

    Hello from Louisiana, everyone! I have a lot to say so if you don't mind I'll go ahead and start.. I bought a sports bra today. It was $2 from someone on Letgo. My desire to go back in time to be born female is probably the greatest wish I've ever had. I know I prayed that it would happen almost every day from the time I was 6 to when I was like, 12. I grew my hair out to my shoulder blades and it was funny, because people would actually always mistake me as female and I would indignantly correct them. Yet, I would secretly, when no one else was around, tie my hair back in laughably bad ponytails and try to figure how the hell to make mascara look pretty. I never felt comfortable during those years because I was so dedicated to my long hair, but I was so unsettled by my wishes. My father figure was a big beefy man's man who was a Marine and a punk rock drummer. He proved to ultimately be a scumbag but he instilled a sense of manhood in me that I want to improve on. He imposed that classic toxic masculinity while emotionally abusing me and my alcoholic mother. Chin up, sit down, don't cry, grow up, and *grow some -censored- balls.* His constant letdowns created so much inner turmoil in me, and even so, it impacted me. I feel like it's something I have to do.. to be a better man than he ever was. I fantasize about finally growing facial hair (even though now, at 19 it has yet to fully come in yet), and even being a father one day. I want to be strong. I want to be strong *and* retain my sensitivity. Despite this, I feel a dreadful discontentment towards my own sex. I've always felt uncomfortable with my penis and I've never enjoyed its performance. I feel that phantom vagina, that so many other trans people have felt. I still have that wish I've always had, to be born female. It's been this way all my life, just typical suffering. So I bought the sports bra. I've worn it all day and I've felt so happy. I used to be so utterly ashamed. Last week I drunkenly came out to my friends on Twitter that I've always had these feelings about wanting to be female. I received lots of support, but I regretted the admittance, and really considered deleting the tweet altogether when one friend actively held a 1-on-1 conversation with me about my pronouns in our big active Discord. I was secretly incredibly happy to be so open about it but it stressed me out a lot as well. It helped me find solace in that decision, however. I don't know what I want to be. I am a writer, and someone who wants to strive towards a life of meaning over happiness. I still love punk rock more than anything even though the one who showed me the world proved to be my greatest demon. I'm pretty sure I know *who* I want to be. But I'm so utterly lost! I know a therapist is the one to discuss with on this matter. But this is America, and I live on my own. Rent is the priority. I think I am asking for advice, or encouragement. Maybe I just want someone to tell me one way or the other, but we all know how foolish that is. Regardless, I'm planning to join the Navy for 4 years in order to fund my college goals, so I may resort myself to the closet until I'm 24 out of pure necessity.. and that's an utter downer. At least I can have more time to really look within myself and solve my dilemma. I hope you all have a great evening. Thank you so much for reading. THAT means quite a lot to me.
  20. Dev

    MtF Transition Topics Meeting

    This support group meeting is held online in the TransPulse live chat rooms. It is scheduled from 9:00 to 10:00 PM Eastern time every Monday. MtF members are invited to join to discuss topics related to transitioning and other challenges facing the MtF community. Location: MtF Room Moderator: Ashley40
  21. Dev

    MtF Post Op Meeting

    This support group meeting is held online in the TransPulse live chat rooms. It is scheduled from 8:00 to 10:00 PM Eastern time every Thursday. Both pre- and post-op MtF members are invited to join to discuss topics related to SRS. Location: MtF Room Moderator: Ashley40
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