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Found 15 results

  1. I’ve known I was trans for nearly three years now, yet I am still to fully decide upon a new name for myself. For context I’m 17, MtF, mostly out to my friends and family and my birth name is Samuel. I’ve switched between a ton of different names including Samantha, Chloe, Hazel, Holly, Erin, and more. Each time I recognise them as being ‘good names’, but it never feels as though they ‘click’ if that makes sense. I’ve never tried a name which I thought would 100% suit me. im wondering if any other trans people out there, FtM and MtF, might’ve encountered a similar problem. I feel like having a proper name would help solidify my identity, like having something to call my own. But it feels like I’ve read every name in the dictionary and I’m more lost than ever. What are you’re experiences with this kind of thing? any replies would be really great, thank you.
  2. Dearhart

    I'm here, now!

    Hi-hi! My name's Jonathan, soon to be changed to Ivy, but I go by Dearhart online. I've only recently started seeing a gender therapist and acquired the vocabulary I needed to properly express all the feelings I've grown up with but have apparently been presenting myself as gender-nonconforming for quite some time, now. So, there's that. I haven't "really" started transitioning, yet, but I've done a lot of reading and just today realized I won't do as well as I think I can without reaching out to the community. I feel luckier than some in that my friends and family never reacted with anything more negative than "Yeah, okay. Whatever. Just wait till the commercial break." And I am VERY thankful for that. I have so many questions (and twice as many worries) that more often than not, I feel like going back to my usual course of action when overwhelmed by just ignoring it and going about my day, but that's the old, unhealthy me. I'm quite excited about joining the forums here and all the progress towards transitioning that I expect to make in the coming year. So, I'm here now!
  3. Lilly James

    Buying bras

    So I have a question regarding bras. Being born male and now wanting to present more female along with top dysphoria I've decided to wear bras. However with this I've discovered two issues. Number 1 - being in the closet to nearly everyone means I'm only going to wear one with a small or next to no cup. This is so I can feel more comfortable in public and at work. What are the best ways to go about getting one and what kinds would you recommend. 2. I'm really nervous about buying them in public. I feel like people and cashiers will judge me as so far I don't pass at all. I'd like to try online but I live with parents and they are home all the time. If a parcel arrives they always ask what's in it and even if I lie they still want to see it. Sorry for the long post but any help on the subject will be much appreciated.
  4. Jamie231

    Coming out

    So I've been seeing my shrink weekly now for almost 4 months, I've been diagnosed with identity disorder (I cant remember the right word, starts with a p...lol) (and I start HRT on March 18th), my wife has been thinking I have been seeing her for depression. I have come out to my 2 daughters (15 and 23), and my mom, all of which have been very accepting of it. My 2 younger daughters with my current wife (5 and 7) do not know, but are really to young to understand yet, and my 2 sons (16 and 18) I have yet to come out to, as they both look up to dad 100% and are following in my younger foot prints. So I saw both my shrink and primary care doc (who also knows, and said I have the best team in the area for this), on the same day and they both made me realize that it is time to talk to my wife, as she should know. So I did that eve. She didnt take it well at all, she thinks that I am either crazy or sysco and will not see my shrink with me. The next day, she told me that 'i better think myself straight' or she will leave me and take our 2 daughters with her, as she does not want to be in that kind of relationship and she doesn't want our daughters around that either (I know there are laws to protect me, so that doesn't matter, i cant lose seeing my daughters). And how she didnt marry into that type of life and how she doesn't believe in that. So I am at a loss, I have seen my shrink sense and cried about the whole session. I cant hide who I am and who I want to be anymore, it is just causing more and more problems. So i am thinking that I will 'hide' it until after the holidays and after I get some funding saved to be able to get my own house (also I'm disabled, so funding is tight for me). I know I wont feel good that way, but I think that is the only way to do this. I would rather have her stay, as I do love her with all I am, but I guess we weren't meant to be sole mates after all (it kills me to write that). Everyone's journey is different and here starts mine.
  5. lauraincolumbia


    Hi All, I'm finally ready to do a more detailed introduction. I've been somewhat active in the forums for months now, but finally think I'm ready to tell my story. Not sure if this is the right place. I am a questioning girl in her mid-upper-forties in central Maryland (Between Baltimore and DC). Not sure which came first, not feeling right as a boy, or being jealous of my sisters, that my mom would take them shopping, hair salon, get nails done, etc, while leaving me at home. Not sure it matters, but I've been wearing and feeling natural in girl's/women's clothes since I was a pre-teen. The attitude in my family was "Do it if you must, but we don't want to see it, and don't take anyone elses clothes, and don't spend money." which led to a lifelong habit of hiding everything, not just gender issues and eating habits, but sports, music and school, and in adult-hood, work, life, income, and spending habits. I'm married twice, to very different, yet in ways similar women. My first marriage ended in part because of my gender issues, but the final straw for me was that she didn't want to see any kind of counselor to work/talk about her own issues, let alone us as a couple. I've now been married to another woman for three and half years. In general we get along great, with many similarities and interests. We seem to love each other very much. She discovered not long before our wedding that I had gender issues, but she thought it was "just" crossdressing, and that I could/would stop. We start going to couples counseling, but in reality it's focused on me. Two years later, she found out that I was back to doing it, I swore I would stop again. We bring it up with the couple's counselor, and refocus on me. Six months later, she finds out again. We are still seeing the same therapist, but by now a lot of the attention had shifted to starting a family ( she really wanted to, but I was on the fence). My issues with gender were only part of the concern. As she's getting older, she created a deadline, that by the end of this year, realistically before Christmas 2019, we had to make the decision to start fertility treatments to start a family. This became intense a month ago, with a little over a week left. A lot of discussions were "forced", i.e. things that should have taken time to work out, have to be discussed and settled before I'm ready to start a family. A lot of things that mattered to her before, i.e. finances, owning a house, jobs, vacations, no longer matter to her. She just wants to start a family. She claims she accepts me for who I am. Unfortunately, she doesn't behave that way. To me, her acceptance is "you're compelled to do it, but don't do it". Our couples therapist is super experienced with degrees from the best schools, she has told us that she can handle all of the scenarios, but when I really pushed on the questions of "Am I a crossdresser, or am I really transgender", she finally gave in and said she would bring in a gender therapist as a consultant, but after a month, the best she did was print out a few pages from DSM V. So, after today's couples therapy session, I'm back to feeling very alone and ready to back to being separated/divorced, so I can figure out where I belong. Sorry for the long winded reintroduction...
  6. Hello to all, I wanted to introduce myself to all. I have been reading alot of your stories and have gotten a ton of information from a bunch of you. I am Jamie (or one day (hopefully soon) will be). I am in transition MTF, I have been seeing my Shrink now for about 3 months and have been approved for HRT, had my letter turned into my endocrinologist and accepted by her as a new patient. I have been diagnosed with gender / indenity disphoria. I am 48 years young, just about 49. I have always kinda wondered about being female on the inside, but trapped in a man's body. It wasn't until about 6 months ago when it really per say 'hit me' and realized on the inside the my outside isn't me. So I'll be starting with my HRT in the middle of March (unless they have some cancel prior), my endocrinologist is extremely busy. But I wanted to say hi and introduce myself to all. And let you know I have read alot from all of you and I know I will read alot more. And I have some questions to ask for some device on. Merry Christmas to all and talk again soon Jamie
  7. Huzzah! As of yesterday, my very expensive bottom surgery is funded! Now I can go ahead and finalize plans, buy tickets, reserve hotels, figure out how to pay the hospital, etc... So, by way of celebration, I'm going to start a thread. What's the weirdest conversation someone struck up with you in relation to your transition? For some reason people find me very approachable, but I can't be the only one. Can I? Mine happened about two months ago. (August 2019) I'm changing in the men's locker room because bathroom laws. If I'm going to make someone uncomfortable, it's not going to be the group that's already oppressed thank you very much. So I'm "changing." Really all I'm doing is ditching my street clothes. I have my gym clothes underneath. And the guy changing next to me says, "You've got some balls bringing those (my breasts) in here." I paused. What do you SAY to that? So what's going through my mind? I assure you, my balls had nothing to do with them. Maybe, I'm sorry, do they offend? Why are you staring at my chest? Sorry, they follow me wherever I go? I tried to leave them home, but they cry? I went with, "I'm sorry if they make you uncomfortable, but by law I can't use the women's locker room for a few months yet." He just grunted back. Gotta love male communication. So please, share any funny/weird encounters. I can't possibly be the only person this happens to. Hugs!
  8. AnnaD


    hi, i have too much libido (im in the middle of male puberty), is there any way to lessen it or stop it? it makes me feel horrible and sick thanks
  9. Hi All, my name is Sarina (for now). I’m beginning my MTF transition, not yet on hormones and not yet out to family and friends. I’m 41, live in Southern California. I have a wonderful wife and three kids aged 21, 9, and 4. I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and intro myself to the forum. So far all of this has been super informative and positive (I even found solid tips for helping to grow out my hair) =) I look forward to learning more about this journey I am beginning, and meeting some great new peeps along the way! -S
  10. "Body" Mother Mother https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o0WYiK52Dg "Transgender Dysphoria Blues" Against Me! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTkmsAJvJwQ "Boys Will Be Boys" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JogfQGwB7dI "Cut My Hair" Mounika (it's based off of the song This Is Home by Cavetown, which is next on my list) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqfDjmAkq7U "This Is Home" Cavetown https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YgmMJJ34k4 "Androgyny" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e2BetO0w-U "Bleed Like Me" Garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONgrSX47qYA "Candy Says" The Velvet Underground https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFY5ko4sAyI "Giant Woman" From Steven Universe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7IHZv5Q594 "Identity Lost In A Mirror" TheMindless Cannibal https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qyFn-MamXY
  11. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  12. Sahara

    Advice for coming out

    Hi so I have identified as non-binary until this weekend(more on that later). I never started correcting pronouns to they them (from he him) I have come out before(and been intentionally outed ) as bisexual so it is not a completely new experience. More about gender now. So I have identified as non binary for most of the year and been out in my schools QSA. I have not been out to any friends or family for nonbinary. Sunday night I looked in the mirror and saw a girl and that really sparked something or made me realize something about myself. I have not talked to anyone other than my counselor about that. I have never liked being a physical boy but I have never had as much dysphoria as I have now. I want to come out to my parents at least as genderqueer or questioning. I also want to correct pronouns to they them theirs and I do not want to correct to she her hers because I really have only realized that or something since Sunday. I am worried about switching pronouns (they them theirs) because I do not want to “come out as the wrong thing”. I also sometimes think that the only reason that I “want” to be something other than a boy is because all my friends are girls. So what the -expletive- should I do. So yeah
  13. Hi, my name's Lee. I'd like to share my coming out story...and what happened afterwards. I started having doubts--or think about--my gender early in the summer and I talked it over with my girlfriend who was having similar doubts and we came to different conclusions. Me, that I didn't feel fully male, and her that she was just confused. Then, in December, after a long period of depression, the same thoughts started coming back to me, and after discovering a friend of mine was non-binary I thought I was non-binary, too. I told my girlfriend immediately and we started experimenting with pronouns and we came up with the name Lee. At first I considered myself agender, genderqueer or even fluid, but little by little I began to realize I actually felt...feminine. At first my girlfriend remained supportive, only later telling me she was having doubts. But we stayed together until I came out to my parents on 3/17/19. Which was...a disaster. I did it on impulse, writing them a letter after having received renewed support from my girlfriend even if she had grown distant and somewhat cold in the previous days. And after I gave it to them, at first they seemed shocked but ready to work on accepting me...and then they started railing on me out of hurt. The next day my girlfriend offered me to come to her house for comfort and we ended up arguing as we had been doing on WhatsApp for the past week or two. She asked for a week of distance, and went on a school vacation to Greece the next day. The day of the 10th recurrence of our first date, which we'd decided to set as a date for anniversaries. A week later, 3/25/19, she broke with me because she couldn't handle the stress I was feeling about the situation coupled with her own, and asked me not to speak, call or message her for a month. I did just that and ended up crying nearly every day. My parents only kept saying (as they do to this day) two things: "I told you so" and "She can't love you as Lee if she fell in love with you as (deadname)". I soldiered through half of April. I met new people, broke off other relations, and so on. Then, out of the blu, on 4/18/19, a week earlier than what we'd promised, she texted me. My mind blew. We fought and flirted and sexted and all around effed about until we met two days later at her house on a whim and we effed again--or tried to. She said she "Loved (deadname)". We broke down in tears and we fought again. We spent hours arguing until we seemingly came up with the solution of starting from scratch to see if she could 'fall in love with Lee too'. And so we tried. On 4/25 we went to a museum and then afterwards to my house and made love. We kept writing each other affectionate letters every evening throughout. But she grew distant again and, Yesterday 5/1/19, she grew angry at me out of the blue after we lost each other in the crowd at a concert we'd gone to with a couple of friends. I followed her to the subway hoping to find some answers and she told me she just couldn't do it. Her feelings were confused and mixed and she didn't love me anymore but only felt physical attraction and affection, while I was still in love with her. So she broke with me...for, like, the fourth time. That was Yesterday. I still can't believe it. I don't know what to do right now, how to deal with the pain. We struck a deal to meet on Sunday so that she could clarify when and how she'd stopped to love me and try to sort out our lives without too much damage. I cried I don't know how many times today, because I still can't believe it. I can't still find a reason for why she'd stop loving me. Too much stress, yes, but…she'd remained loving right before that fight on 3/18. She's the first person I came out to. The first person to accept and support me. But now... Yeah, that's the question right there. What now?
  14. Dev

    MtF Transition Topics Meeting

    This support group meeting is held online in the TransPulse live chat rooms. It is scheduled from 9:00 to 10:00 PM Eastern time every Monday. MtF members are invited to join to discuss topics related to transitioning and other challenges facing the MtF community. Location: MtF Room Moderator: Ashley40
  15. Dev

    MtF Post Op Meeting

    This support group meeting is held online in the TransPulse live chat rooms. It is scheduled from 8:00 to 10:00 PM Eastern time every Thursday. Both pre- and post-op MtF members are invited to join to discuss topics related to SRS. Location: MtF Room Moderator: Ashley40
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