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  1. Hi guys! I've been kind of confused lately... Almost a year ago now I came out (exclusively) as ftm trans but lately I find myself questioning my sexuality as well. My entire life I was never into boys the way I was girls. I Could have crushes on boys but I could never fall in love and all that stuff. Before I came out as trans I identified as a lesbian for 6 years as well. But lately I find myself wondering. Theres this trans guy youtuber who I started really crushing on. And while yes I I know anyone can fancy an attractive guy with a platform, it literally got to the point where it was like 'admit it, you want him' and in some ways im confused but also surprised. Have any of you guys come out as trans and feel your preference expand? What do u think the reason behind that is? (I'm thinking maybe it's because liking men was, in my past, associated with "femininity" and being a straight female [by society's standards anyway?]) I don't know... after all I do have to explore this more. This youtuber could be the exception. I don't know... In some ways in kind of scared about it. I feel like I'm learning more and more that I am not who I think I am. I feel like I've been losing what I thought was factual. In some ways thought I Would live as a girl my whole life and never come out and face the hardships that come with this. but I know now that I need to come out and I'm accepting that one but I thought I knew my sexuality for a fact and now I'm realizing I don't even have that. I'm feeling very lost and confused in my life. Anyways.... Thank you all again for being something to lean on. I appreciate it. - Trevor
  2. DevilDog

    Am I??

    Hello, all! I was born female and just turned 48. I grew up in a small town in Indiana, which is very much a red state. I was a tomboy from day 1....pretty much the boy my dad never had. Growing up, I played with the boys....there were no girls on our block. I was athletic like them, liked the same toys as them, I was one of them...except for the long, blonde ponytail that went down to my butt, which I desperately wanted cut (thanks mom). Around the age of 10, I started to feel like I didn’t fit anymore with the boys, but I didn’t fit in with the girls either. I don’t really think I have ever totally left this feeling. I was always the girl left standing by the rail at the roller rink during couples skate. I played 4 sports in high school. I was good at pretty much anything I played. My first love, being a Hoosier, was of course basketball. However, I ended up being a better softball player in my career. The era was one where women’s sports were starting to get competitive and more up tempo. I played like a guy, aggressive, competitive, hating to lose, barking at teammates on the court.....as a result, I was assumed to be a lesbian. I hated the label! It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I was beginning to figure out I was a lesbian. I got pregnant right after graduating from college. I was trying to prove to myself I wasn’t gay. The bio-dad didn’t stick around. I ended up marrying a guy that I dated prior to the bio-dad. I knew I was a lesbian prior to getting married, but I was trying to be superwoman and give my son a dad and traditional family. I probably could have made it work had my dad not passed away from a car accident 1.5 after. After the funeral, my husband wasn’t too supportive. I ended up turning to a friend of mine for solace. We ended up having relationship. It ended both of our marriages. And I stayed with her for eight years. We never lived together. In hindsight, I pretty much stayed with her because she was my memory of the time when my dad passed away. Several years later, I met the woman that I would end up marrying. She loved me, she loved my son, and we had the same outlook on life. We have been together for 13 years. I am still in love with her. But life has changed. I have dealt with depression ever since around 13. I didn’t know it was depression...but that is when I remember having my first passive, suicidal thoughts. I thought it was normal, that everyone had these thoughts, because I had them everyday. Again, I was passively suicidal. I didn’t have a plan....having had two members in my extended family commit suicide, I know what it does to the family. Days turned into years, years turned into decades which led to a middle aged, used to being single parent empty nester that didn’t know who she was. My wife had gone back to school to become a nurse 10 years ago. For some reason, she was very one tracked minded towards school and jobs, we haven’t been intimate in 9 years. I admit, I was a fool for letting it go for so long, but I kept busy being my son’s mom and biggest fan. I am a teacher, but left the classroom 2 years ago...at the same time my son graduated from college...not the smartest decision of my life, but nonetheless it was done. I ended up at my lowest depression point in November 2018. I was a shell of a person. My wife has been extremely supportive!!! However, we still don’t have a sex life, we don’t have any intimacy, we are basically best friends that room together. During my counseling, I thought I had narrowed down roots of my issues to 3 topics: 1) not reaching my dream in college and career wise 2)gay guilt...mentally, I couldn’t reconcile being gay and a Christian. Remember, conservative, red state that elected the dipsh!t that is now the VP. 3) the state of my marriage was perpetuating the self-deprecating thoughts. It wasn’t until mid March that I realized I am transgendered in some way shape or form. During this time of self reflection, it makes perfect sense. However, I have several topics that need further exploring. First and foremost, I absolutely, undeniably love being my son’s mom. I am very maternal, but being the tomboy at heart...I have taught the fundamentals of sports, how to change the oil and brakes on a car, basic carpentry sense, etc. I know I will “always” be mom to him and I am 100% okay with that!! I have a hard time envisioning being called Pappa or papaw when I have grandkids. Secondly, what DOES it feel like to be a man? I catch myself at different points in time throughout the day and ask myself, “do you feel female (like always b/c you don’t know any different) or male (do you feel like you have penis between your legs)? I don’t feel the later. So, what am I supposed to feel? This is a nice segway to the third concern...sexually, I KNOW I am a man. I think about sex all of the time. I can get aroused with the change in direction of the wind. I swear if I looked down at my crotch, I would see an erect penis! When my wife and I used to be sexually intimate, I definitely enjoyed being the giver, if you will. When I put the strap-on on, it felt natural and right. Now that I am on the correct meds and dosages and seeing my therapist, I know something was off for me to think about suicide that much. I feel what I imagine others feel everyday....but my libido is not like the average middle-aged woman!! Now that I am healthy mentally and emotionally, I have been trying to get my marriage back to what it was. I wasn’t sure if suffering from extreme sexual deprivation could be clouding my brain when trying to figure out just how trans I am.....again, another man trait...thinking with my penis rather than the brain. I don’t want to decide to medically transition if it mostly a sexual fantasy and obsession. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Please don’t recommend a gender therapist. I already have a therapist and I see my NP once a week for counseling as well. Thanks!
  3. Ok, I’ve been workshopping this for a while bc I’m having a hard time putting this feeling into words, so I hope this makes sense ^^’ So, I'm a 19 year old pre-everything probably-trans-guy (still sort of questioning), out to only a small group of friends, and have been tentatively inching towards transition for 4 years now. (I recently cut my hair short for the first time!) My dysphoria has been particularly bad the past few months, and the happy feeling I get when picturing myself as a man in the future has been stronger than ever, so I’ve been seriously thinking about pursuing T -- but I’m not sure if that’s the right decision, because every time I read about the changes it causes, I have these weirdly mixed feelings. The thing is, I definitely have dysphoria -- I angle my face in the mirror to minimize its softness, actively try to look flat in my clothes, despise the width of my hips and the scrawniness of my arms, take comfort in growing out my body hair, you know the drill. So the effects of T should all be things I’m excited about, and when I think about it, yeah, I'll need those changes if I want to look anything like the future me I picture. But at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’d be… downgrading in some way, by transitioning? Things like “skin becoming rougher” and “fat shifting from hips to belly” just sound like bad things, because they’ll make me less ““beautiful”” in a traditional sense (which I know is bull, but hey, being socialized as a girl is rough), even if when I think rationally about it I know they would probably alleviate my dysphoria. I definitely don’t mean to insult any transmasc people when I say this -- I don’t even necessarily believe it (at least not consciously) -- but the ideas that “women are objectively better looking than men and better overall as a concept” and “it’s always better to be beautiful than not” are thoughts that I can’t shake. It terrifies me, because I DO think I want to transition, but I’m worried that if I do, I’ll regret giving up my… access to that type of beauty, I guess? I’ve been told I make a pretty girl, and when I’m presenting particularly fem I find that I do appreciate how I look, I’ll pose in front of the mirror and things like that -- but it’s hard to say if I actually want to be the girl in the mirror or if I just like looking at her. I’m fairly certain I’m bi, and I’ve been trying to see if framing this feeling as attraction to women helps anything fall into place -- like, I feel like if I transitioned I would miss having some feminine presence in my life, but maybe that void is meant to be filled by dating women rather than by being one. But I can’t tell if I’m misleading myself by thinking that way. Do cis men who are attracted to women feel this way? I know this could mean that I’m genderfluid, or a man for whom physically transitioning just isn’t the right choice, but I guess the clincher is I don’t really want to live as genderfluid or as a pre-everything trans man -- if I’m going to live as a man at all, I want to go “all the way.” (Of course I don’t think trans men are obligated to medically transition, this is just how I feel about it for myself.) The idea of being a very feminine or even androgynous man used to appeal to me a lot (probably because for a while my role models were all anime characters, haha), but as I’ve found more masculine role models it’s starting to feel weird; I think if I were to transition, I would want to be relatively masc. I would probably do my fair share of crossdressing, because I like pretty clothes, but I wouldn’t want to be a man with a “womanly” body. So what do you think this feeling toward beauty and femininity means? Is it just the effect of being socialized as a girl, internalizing the belief that my worth comes from whether or not I’m beautiful? Or is it me misinterpreting my attraction to women as a desire to be a woman? Or have I actually been a cis woman (or genderfluid) the whole time? How can I tell the difference?
  4. Hi I've been asking myself question about my gender (like a lot of folks on this forum I guess) since a couple of week. It really new to me and confusing since I never ever question it before. It started when I cut my hair really short (while I always had them really long). One of my friend ask me if I was sure I wasn't transgender, since I wear "male clothing and don't really like girl stuff. Plus, I did mention that if I could I would like to get ride of my breast (not really because I feel uncomfortable of having them, more because it annoying to take care of). But, I know I am not transgender, I don't feel like it could be that. I actually though I might be more nonbinary (or something similar?). Since I cut my hair I look even more androgynous than I did before, so it happen that people think I'm a boy. Honestly I don't really mind it and don't feel like correcting them since it don't bother me (and it save me the funny/awkward moment where they say sorry so many time). More I don't about it and more I realize I don't really care about gender. I mostly go by my assigned gender since it what people see first or already know, but I don't feel uncomfortable with he/him either. I have a personality which is a lot on the "I don't care about anything" side, so I wasn't sure if it was that, or something else. So I was wondering if it might non-binary? Or even if it was okay to feel comfortable with she/her, they/them and he/him?
  5. ForeverWandering

    Questioning afab

    Hello all, As the title says I’ve been questioning my gender identity for a little more than a year now. It started when I was reading a story involving a character who identified as female, but not quite 100%. Before this, I had never questioned my identity, was pretty ignorant on transgender issues and never explored my identity whatsoever. For some reason, however, I resonated with this character’s identity. I have lived my life as female for 20 years and am now at a point where I’m exploring and questioning my gender identity. I’ve put down aspects of my life I’ve looked back on and jotted them down below: Early childhood (4-8): Fairly girly, loved barbies, glitter, mermaids, makeovers Also liked superheroes, action movies and toys my brother had Hated the idea of becoming a teenager/growing up (even cried on one of my birthdays and wanted to fly to Neverland so I could stay young forever lol) Almost all my imaginary friends were boys Had a male “inner voice” and a female “inner voice” (I was a weird kid ha ha) Had two imaginary horses; one boy and one girl Mimicked men’s voices and wondered what it’d be like to be a boy Never really felt out of the ordinary, just thought “I was born a girl, I must be a girl” Later childhood (9-13): “Tomboy” Still played with dolls Compared myself to male characters and secretly hoped others would see the correlation Wrote stories that consisted of mostly male characters Aunt bought me a “mature” bra; I hated it, threw it into my closet and never wore it Became very introverted after puberty Teens (14-17) Hated bras Slightly uncomfortable with my chest, never knew why Wore puffy hoodies to conceal myself Hated makeup Rarely looked at myself in the mirror Avoided looking at chest Would pretend I didn’t have a chest when drying off after showers Got into mild spiffs with my mom about the clothes she bought for me for being too girly Hated having my pictures posted online by my parents or taking any pictures at all Early adulthood (18-20): Memories of my childhood & high school very hazy Feeling like I was on “autopilot” General feeling that I have not matured physically? Hard to imagine my future self Uneasy feeling when changing Diagnosed with depression Now (21): Began questioning Cut my hair Dressed more androgynously Started binding Thought about the possibility of being gender fluid, but feel like male fits better? Played with makeup to make fake stubble Liked how I looked more when using gender-swapping apps Bought minoxidil to stimulate facial hair growth and got excited when it (barely lol) started growing Sort of passed as a guy Still like feminine things and aesthetics, just not on me Seeing myself in the future as a guy more than a woman Doubts about all this: Trying to convince myself daily that I’m a woman and that this is most likely a phase Trying to hide from myself due to low self esteem Hiding from my womanhood Making this the center of my attention in order to keep from being depressed (only feeling good because I’m setting goals for myself) Worried this stems from rumination and obsession (I’ve been struggling with very distressing intrusive thoughts for about 4 years, my counselor thinks it may be a form of ocd. I haven’t been diagnosed) Overthinking things and blowing things out of proportion So that’s about it. I’m just very confused right now. I know I need to take this slow but I’m just looking for advice or experience some of you might have? I’ve just started seeing a counselor who has experience with gender related issues so I have that going for me. However, I would like to hear your thoughts? Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.
  6. Hey. So I'm afab, and questioning. I thought for a good while I was definitely FTM. Then after a few months of accepting and coming out to my husband, I went back to feeling just female. Then for a few months, I went back to feeling like a guy. When I'm in guy mode I have these intense needs to flatten my chest, pack, cut off my long hair, and have facial hair. Since early September I havent felt any dysphoria, or need or desire to be/present male.....and I want to? I'm sad that now that I've accepted being Male (at least sometimes) and that has gone away. Also, in girl mode I seem to be asexual. However when I'm in guy mode, I tent to be a more sexual person. Is all of this normal? Thanks in advance for the kind comments.
  7. DeeDee

    Hey folks!

    So I guess I'm posting because the polite thing to do is to say hi to everyone, and thanks for accepting me as a new member. I am a bald 40yo AMAB who has 2 children and a recently separated wife. For the last month I have pretty much been obsessed with the idea of questioning my gender, I initially thought I might be gender fluid as I have known for years that my brain operates in a "female" way, whenever I have taken a test serious or otherwise that was the result, but I have also crossdressed secretly on and off and always assumed it was my own dirty shameful secret. In order to work things out in my own head I started a blog on wordpress and did initially hope to get some thoughts from others with more knowledge than I (I know now I was looking in the wrong place which is why I'm here) if you want a run down of my brain for the last month feel free to read it. https://ironicissues.wordpress.com This was the first time I have ever taken a photo of me dressed up let alone put it somewhere public and actually admitted it and as you will see I have actually found I enjoy it and feel positive about the way I look. However as a binary thinker for most of my life while I had no issues with the lgbtq+ community I certainly never saw myself as a part of it. As I have read and watched youtube video after youtube video and taken online test after online test the one thing that has become clear is that I am not a cismale (anything but depending on which test result you take). I am drawn strongly towards trans videos and very recently admitted I was questioning to one of my 4 sisters. While surprised she took it in her stride and has volunteered to help me explore - tomorrow I intend to tell another sister (I grew up the middle child and only boy in a house with 4 sisters - something I have always used to explain any feminine thinking or traits) I am telling myself that I am just investigating but because of who I am I know that I need to try and speak to a counsellor of some sort soon. Anyway - I am glad to find this space where I hope to find answers to questions which have probably already been asked numerous times - the main one being who am I really? Sadie is a name that popped into my head when I needed to blog - so at the moment, it will do as a moniker. Take care xxxx
  8. So I am a female assigned at birth, 15 years old in a month. For the past month or even past half year, I don't know if even more(?) I've been questioning my gender identity a lot. I do feel like I'm not a female, but then I have so many thoughts about being trans maybe and what if not... Because all the trans people I've heard about always knew from a little age that they're not the gender they were born and all this stuff. But I'm not like this, I don't think so at least? I can say I'm pretty feminine and I've never questioned much anything but my sexuality. But from another pov, my mom always made decisions for me from the moment I was born till around age 10 I guess? So to my point... I do find myself fantasizing about how my life would be if I was a male from birth and such and I a lot if times wish that I was male born and not a female. Another thing I've read is that you have to have disphorya in order to be trans. I'm not sure if I'm much disphoric but as much as I keep questioning my gender I find myself less comfortable with how my body is. And I've did so much research about everything and tried to imagine what it would be like if everyone would refer to me as he/him and for example if I had male parts and it actually feels nice to think of it kinda... I'm so confused and everything and it's making me frustrated and like something is wrong with me. Because if I am trans, what if I'm not "trans enough" and it's all just dumb thoughts... I could really use some advice on that because I feel so lost. Thanks to anyone who will help ❤️
  9. PurpleBlue

    How To Make My Mom Accepting?

    I have a few questions to ask. I went to a doctor's appointment today and asked if I can go to therapy. My doctor said she has a therapist she thinks will be good for me. So I'm going to be seeing a therapist soon. I want to tell the therapist about being questioning. How could I bring up the topic of gender in the sessions? What could I say to the therapist? I am extremely anxious and scared. My mom is against LGBT people. I'm afraid of her being angry at me , never speaking to me again , hating me forever or not letting me explore my identity or transition whenever I come out to the therapist. How can I make my mom accepting of LGBT people? So she won't hate me or be angry when I bring it up in therapy? I'm afraid that my mom will just dismiss my feelings and just say I'm confused. Because last year around Christmas time I had mentioned something about questioning my gender and even showed her information about nonbinary genders. She got really angry at me and kept saying that we need to go to church more and she kept calling me a girl and her daughter. I'm so scared and miserable. Please help me.
  10. Hey so I'm pretty sure I would consider myself gender queer but I definitely fall towards ftm more.. Idk my gender expression and my gender identity are not aligned and it confuses me. I'm pretty sure I would still like to start HRT regardless..is this okay? have any of u still medically transitioned? Idk I don't feel like my dsyphoria is that bad to start HRT. And as bad as this soinds , I wish for more dsyphoria just so I could have an "excuse" to transition (which I've come to find is a form of dysphoria in itself I think) but i just I don't know.. a m i valid? Have any of u experienced this?
  11. PurpleBlue

    What Am I? Help?

    I'm confused and depressed and anxious. I just want to know? Am I just a confused tomboy? I don't know. Because I feel like this is something more than just being tomboy. Because I feel different and it's hard to explain. Anything feminine makes me very uncomfortable like makeup, skirts, dresses, skinny jeans, shaving, periods. I hate my chest and I think it could be dysphoria. But I don't know. I've hated my long hair for years. I've never felt connected to my name. I hate being called words like girl, girly, lady, cute, pretty. I'm afraid of the future and I just don't want to end up doing something I might regret. How to know if your genderqueer or ftm? Whats the difference? How did you realise it? How to know if your experiencing dysphoria or low self esteem or something else?
  12. Hi. I'm a senior in high school and recently it's almost like I've had an epiphany that I am trans but at the same time it's not an epiphany. Growing up I couldn't separate my body from how I felt. I just grew up and felt like a boy. It was kind of like I am a boy? Why are u asking if I am a boy or a girl? My mom and Dad even sat me down to talk about it. And about a year or two after that talk I presented as girly and even had a few school yard "boyfriends." And I think that's where my confusion comes in ( 8 years later) because for the past 8 years I've identified as a lesbian and I cut my hair short to stop feeling like someone in between but it only made it worse. I'm asking myself if this somewhat "epiphany" came about because of the repression I've taken part in since the talk I had with my parents as a child. I guess I just need advice on whether or not it was something I did as a child and that's why I've identified as female or if I thought that was the only option. Also I've never had dysphoria (or at least not until very recently)... I don't know. I'm just scared for so many reasons... Thank you to anyone who takes the time to ease my mind. Truly.
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