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  1. Hi everybody, I've been lurking around Forums for a while and tried to read up on other people's experiences with figuring out their gender identity. I turned 27 last year and started questioning shortly before my birthday and since then everything just seems so much clearer to me, but still I have a lot of doubts and am very confused. I already made an appointment with a therapist and I hope that will help me, but that's only in 2 months and every night I just keep lying awake and my mind is racing. I guess I am just gonna write out my story and maybe some people will recognize themselves or have similar experiences? Here it goes! So the reason I started questioning was that I saw an ad on my computer for a binder, no idea why it was shown to me, but it just popped up. I've been struggling with my chest ever since I can remember, constantly buying new minimizing bras, always on the look out for the one bra that will make my chest really small or unnoticeable, but since I have D cups that never really worked and so I just stumble through life uncomfortable, especially in the summers. My mum once told me she thinks I have a trauma because when puberty started I couldn't handle my body changing so fast and girls making fun of me (probably were jealous, now that I think about it) about my breasts. My red threat was that I always planned on getting breast reduction surgery, once I earn enough money, but so far that hasn't happened. I guess I just kind of accepted that I am just uncomfortable with my bodyshape and that I need to learn to love myself and I really tried!! I am really fit and I know I have an objectively great body, but even though I know that, there are moments where I just feel so disconnected to my body and feel uncomfortable as soon as people say something about my female attributes. The one thing that stands out to me and which is my biggest concern, is dating and being intimate. When I was about 11/12 I had a couple of friends that I role played with and with that one girl we were basically high school students who fell in love with each other. We got pretty intimate and I remember I didn't mind it and actually kinda liked it, but what I recently realized is that I always played a boy! I guess that looking back I could call it my first sexual encounter. AND MY LAST! After puberty, every time I dated someone and felt like I wanted to get close to them, I just get this super uncomfortable feeling like they are not really looking at my body and they couldn't possibly like me. I feel disconnected to myself in these situations and don't want to imagine myself (in my body) having sex. I thought I am asexual for the longest time, so I wouldn't have to deal with it and just accepted that I'd always feel like. But I started dating this girl, who is also asexual, 6 months ago and even though we don't have sex or get intimate too much and I do really like her, I still get this feeling about my body and feel wrong when people talk about us being girlfriends. So I just decided that this is the year I finally figure out whats going on, because I owe it to myself to have a chance to live my best life, and up till now I just feel like I've been living half a life and wasted a lot of time. I also noticed that I escape a lot from ordinary life, I am sometimes unable to get out of bed and just don't want to live my life, so I just read A LOT! I also daydream a lot about several universes I created in my head (does anyone do this or am I just weird??) and I realized that I am always dreaming in the POV of men. So I guess, I am just super confused!!! There are a lot of signs that make me feel like I am not cis, but since I've lived like this for 27 years I feel like I am just imagining things and just need to get over my body issues, which is what people have been telling me forever!!! Sorry for the super long rant! I just needed to get this off my chest. Sam :)
  2. lauraincolumbia

    Re-Introduction

    Hi All, I'm finally ready to do a more detailed introduction. I've been somewhat active in the forums for months now, but finally think I'm ready to tell my story. Not sure if this is the right place. I am a questioning girl in her mid-upper-forties in central Maryland (Between Baltimore and DC). Not sure which came first, not feeling right as a boy, or being jealous of my sisters, that my mom would take them shopping, hair salon, get nails done, etc, while leaving me at home. Not sure it matters, but I've been wearing and feeling natural in girl's/women's clothes since I was a pre-teen. The attitude in my family was "Do it if you must, but we don't want to see it, and don't take anyone elses clothes, and don't spend money." which led to a lifelong habit of hiding everything, not just gender issues and eating habits, but sports, music and school, and in adult-hood, work, life, income, and spending habits. I'm married twice, to very different, yet in ways similar women. My first marriage ended in part because of my gender issues, but the final straw for me was that she didn't want to see any kind of counselor to work/talk about her own issues, let alone us as a couple. I've now been married to another woman for three and half years. In general we get along great, with many similarities and interests. We seem to love each other very much. She discovered not long before our wedding that I had gender issues, but she thought it was "just" crossdressing, and that I could/would stop. We start going to couples counseling, but in reality it's focused on me. Two years later, she found out that I was back to doing it, I swore I would stop again. We bring it up with the couple's counselor, and refocus on me. Six months later, she finds out again. We are still seeing the same therapist, but by now a lot of the attention had shifted to starting a family ( she really wanted to, but I was on the fence). My issues with gender were only part of the concern. As she's getting older, she created a deadline, that by the end of this year, realistically before Christmas 2019, we had to make the decision to start fertility treatments to start a family. This became intense a month ago, with a little over a week left. A lot of discussions were "forced", i.e. things that should have taken time to work out, have to be discussed and settled before I'm ready to start a family. A lot of things that mattered to her before, i.e. finances, owning a house, jobs, vacations, no longer matter to her. She just wants to start a family. She claims she accepts me for who I am. Unfortunately, she doesn't behave that way. To me, her acceptance is "you're compelled to do it, but don't do it". Our couples therapist is super experienced with degrees from the best schools, she has told us that she can handle all of the scenarios, but when I really pushed on the questions of "Am I a crossdresser, or am I really transgender", she finally gave in and said she would bring in a gender therapist as a consultant, but after a month, the best she did was print out a few pages from DSM V. So, after today's couples therapy session, I'm back to feeling very alone and ready to back to being separated/divorced, so I can figure out where I belong. Sorry for the long winded reintroduction...
  3. 1macchiatothanks

    FtM, but doubtful of transition

    Hi, I'm J, 20 years old. I know that I'm transgender, but I don't see transition actually alleviating my gender dysphoria. I don't see myself passing. It's very disheartening because I've never felt "female". I've questioned my sexuality and gender since I was 4 years old. I've identified as a (cis) lesbian for about 5 years, out to a handful of people. The disgust I feel to be viewed as this adorable, delicate girl is unparalleled. I've felt like my body has mocked me my entire life. I have no desire to bear children. I loathe my large chest and wide hips. (I've bound my chest for six years) I'm 5'2". Even my hands are tiny. If I was taller, I might consider transitioning, but I don't see myself passing, even with top surgery and hormones. I feel at a loss with myself recently. I'm not comfortable with telling anyone I know that I am considering transition. I live in a very conservative corner of America. I may feel differently about all of this in a couple years, and after I've relocated, but right now I feel miserable.
  4. Hi guys! I've been kind of confused lately... Almost a year ago now I came out (exclusively) as ftm trans but lately I find myself questioning my sexuality as well. My entire life I was never into boys the way I was girls. I Could have crushes on boys but I could never fall in love and all that stuff. Before I came out as trans I identified as a lesbian for 6 years as well. But lately I find myself wondering. Theres this trans guy youtuber who I started really crushing on. And while yes I I know anyone can fancy an attractive guy with a platform, it literally got to the point where it was like 'admit it, you want him' and in some ways im confused but also surprised. Have any of you guys come out as trans and feel your preference expand? What do u think the reason behind that is? (I'm thinking maybe it's because liking men was, in my past, associated with "femininity" and being a straight female [by society's standards anyway?]) I don't know... after all I do have to explore this more. This youtuber could be the exception. I don't know... In some ways in kind of scared about it. I feel like I'm learning more and more that I am not who I think I am. I feel like I've been losing what I thought was factual. In some ways thought I Would live as a girl my whole life and never come out and face the hardships that come with this. but I know now that I need to come out and I'm accepting that one but I thought I knew my sexuality for a fact and now I'm realizing I don't even have that. I'm feeling very lost and confused in my life. Anyways.... Thank you all again for being something to lean on. I appreciate it. - Trevor
  5. DevilDog

    Am I??

    Hello, all! I was born female and just turned 48. I grew up in a small town in Indiana, which is very much a red state. I was a tomboy from day 1....pretty much the boy my dad never had. Growing up, I played with the boys....there were no girls on our block. I was athletic like them, liked the same toys as them, I was one of them...except for the long, blonde ponytail that went down to my butt, which I desperately wanted cut (thanks mom). Around the age of 10, I started to feel like I didn’t fit anymore with the boys, but I didn’t fit in with the girls either. I don’t really think I have ever totally left this feeling. I was always the girl left standing by the rail at the roller rink during couples skate. I played 4 sports in high school. I was good at pretty much anything I played. My first love, being a Hoosier, was of course basketball. However, I ended up being a better softball player in my career. The era was one where women’s sports were starting to get competitive and more up tempo. I played like a guy, aggressive, competitive, hating to lose, barking at teammates on the court.....as a result, I was assumed to be a lesbian. I hated the label! It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I was beginning to figure out I was a lesbian. I got pregnant right after graduating from college. I was trying to prove to myself I wasn’t gay. The bio-dad didn’t stick around. I ended up marrying a guy that I dated prior to the bio-dad. I knew I was a lesbian prior to getting married, but I was trying to be superwoman and give my son a dad and traditional family. I probably could have made it work had my dad not passed away from a car accident 1.5 after. After the funeral, my husband wasn’t too supportive. I ended up turning to a friend of mine for solace. We ended up having relationship. It ended both of our marriages. And I stayed with her for eight years. We never lived together. In hindsight, I pretty much stayed with her because she was my memory of the time when my dad passed away. Several years later, I met the woman that I would end up marrying. She loved me, she loved my son, and we had the same outlook on life. We have been together for 13 years. I am still in love with her. But life has changed. I have dealt with depression ever since around 13. I didn’t know it was depression...but that is when I remember having my first passive, suicidal thoughts. I thought it was normal, that everyone had these thoughts, because I had them everyday. Again, I was passively suicidal. I didn’t have a plan....having had two members in my extended family commit suicide, I know what it does to the family. Days turned into years, years turned into decades which led to a middle aged, used to being single parent empty nester that didn’t know who she was. My wife had gone back to school to become a nurse 10 years ago. For some reason, she was very one tracked minded towards school and jobs, we haven’t been intimate in 9 years. I admit, I was a fool for letting it go for so long, but I kept busy being my son’s mom and biggest fan. I am a teacher, but left the classroom 2 years ago...at the same time my son graduated from college...not the smartest decision of my life, but nonetheless it was done. I ended up at my lowest depression point in November 2018. I was a shell of a person. My wife has been extremely supportive!!! However, we still don’t have a sex life, we don’t have any intimacy, we are basically best friends that room together. During my counseling, I thought I had narrowed down roots of my issues to 3 topics: 1) not reaching my dream in college and career wise 2)gay guilt...mentally, I couldn’t reconcile being gay and a Christian. Remember, conservative, red state that elected the dipsh!t that is now the VP. 3) the state of my marriage was perpetuating the self-deprecating thoughts. It wasn’t until mid March that I realized I am transgendered in some way shape or form. During this time of self reflection, it makes perfect sense. However, I have several topics that need further exploring. First and foremost, I absolutely, undeniably love being my son’s mom. I am very maternal, but being the tomboy at heart...I have taught the fundamentals of sports, how to change the oil and brakes on a car, basic carpentry sense, etc. I know I will “always” be mom to him and I am 100% okay with that!! I have a hard time envisioning being called Pappa or papaw when I have grandkids. Secondly, what DOES it feel like to be a man? I catch myself at different points in time throughout the day and ask myself, “do you feel female (like always b/c you don’t know any different) or male (do you feel like you have penis between your legs)? I don’t feel the later. So, what am I supposed to feel? This is a nice segway to the third concern...sexually, I KNOW I am a man. I think about sex all of the time. I can get aroused with the change in direction of the wind. I swear if I looked down at my crotch, I would see an erect penis! When my wife and I used to be sexually intimate, I definitely enjoyed being the giver, if you will. When I put the strap-on on, it felt natural and right. Now that I am on the correct meds and dosages and seeing my therapist, I know something was off for me to think about suicide that much. I feel what I imagine others feel everyday....but my libido is not like the average middle-aged woman!! Now that I am healthy mentally and emotionally, I have been trying to get my marriage back to what it was. I wasn’t sure if suffering from extreme sexual deprivation could be clouding my brain when trying to figure out just how trans I am.....again, another man trait...thinking with my penis rather than the brain. I don’t want to decide to medically transition if it mostly a sexual fantasy and obsession. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Please don’t recommend a gender therapist. I already have a therapist and I see my NP once a week for counseling as well. Thanks!
  6. Ok, I’ve been workshopping this for a while bc I’m having a hard time putting this feeling into words, so I hope this makes sense ^^’ So, I'm a 19 year old pre-everything probably-trans-guy (still sort of questioning), out to only a small group of friends, and have been tentatively inching towards transition for 4 years now. (I recently cut my hair short for the first time!) My dysphoria has been particularly bad the past few months, and the happy feeling I get when picturing myself as a man in the future has been stronger than ever, so I’ve been seriously thinking about pursuing T -- but I’m not sure if that’s the right decision, because every time I read about the changes it causes, I have these weirdly mixed feelings. The thing is, I definitely have dysphoria -- I angle my face in the mirror to minimize its softness, actively try to look flat in my clothes, despise the width of my hips and the scrawniness of my arms, take comfort in growing out my body hair, you know the drill. So the effects of T should all be things I’m excited about, and when I think about it, yeah, I'll need those changes if I want to look anything like the future me I picture. But at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’d be… downgrading in some way, by transitioning? Things like “skin becoming rougher” and “fat shifting from hips to belly” just sound like bad things, because they’ll make me less ““beautiful”” in a traditional sense (which I know is bull, but hey, being socialized as a girl is rough), even if when I think rationally about it I know they would probably alleviate my dysphoria. I definitely don’t mean to insult any transmasc people when I say this -- I don’t even necessarily believe it (at least not consciously) -- but the ideas that “women are objectively better looking than men and better overall as a concept” and “it’s always better to be beautiful than not” are thoughts that I can’t shake. It terrifies me, because I DO think I want to transition, but I’m worried that if I do, I’ll regret giving up my… access to that type of beauty, I guess? I’ve been told I make a pretty girl, and when I’m presenting particularly fem I find that I do appreciate how I look, I’ll pose in front of the mirror and things like that -- but it’s hard to say if I actually want to be the girl in the mirror or if I just like looking at her. I’m fairly certain I’m bi, and I’ve been trying to see if framing this feeling as attraction to women helps anything fall into place -- like, I feel like if I transitioned I would miss having some feminine presence in my life, but maybe that void is meant to be filled by dating women rather than by being one. But I can’t tell if I’m misleading myself by thinking that way. Do cis men who are attracted to women feel this way? I know this could mean that I’m genderfluid, or a man for whom physically transitioning just isn’t the right choice, but I guess the clincher is I don’t really want to live as genderfluid or as a pre-everything trans man -- if I’m going to live as a man at all, I want to go “all the way.” (Of course I don’t think trans men are obligated to medically transition, this is just how I feel about it for myself.) The idea of being a very feminine or even androgynous man used to appeal to me a lot (probably because for a while my role models were all anime characters, haha), but as I’ve found more masculine role models it’s starting to feel weird; I think if I were to transition, I would want to be relatively masc. I would probably do my fair share of crossdressing, because I like pretty clothes, but I wouldn’t want to be a man with a “womanly” body. So what do you think this feeling toward beauty and femininity means? Is it just the effect of being socialized as a girl, internalizing the belief that my worth comes from whether or not I’m beautiful? Or is it me misinterpreting my attraction to women as a desire to be a woman? Or have I actually been a cis woman (or genderfluid) the whole time? How can I tell the difference?
  7. Hi I've been asking myself question about my gender (like a lot of folks on this forum I guess) since a couple of week. It really new to me and confusing since I never ever question it before. It started when I cut my hair really short (while I always had them really long). One of my friend ask me if I was sure I wasn't transgender, since I wear "male clothing and don't really like girl stuff. Plus, I did mention that if I could I would like to get ride of my breast (not really because I feel uncomfortable of having them, more because it annoying to take care of). But, I know I am not transgender, I don't feel like it could be that. I actually though I might be more nonbinary (or something similar?). Since I cut my hair I look even more androgynous than I did before, so it happen that people think I'm a boy. Honestly I don't really mind it and don't feel like correcting them since it don't bother me (and it save me the funny/awkward moment where they say sorry so many time). More I don't about it and more I realize I don't really care about gender. I mostly go by my assigned gender since it what people see first or already know, but I don't feel uncomfortable with he/him either. I have a personality which is a lot on the "I don't care about anything" side, so I wasn't sure if it was that, or something else. So I was wondering if it might non-binary? Or even if it was okay to feel comfortable with she/her, they/them and he/him?
  8. ForeverWandering

    Questioning afab

    Hello all, As the title says I’ve been questioning my gender identity for a little more than a year now. It started when I was reading a story involving a character who identified as female, but not quite 100%. Before this, I had never questioned my identity, was pretty ignorant on transgender issues and never explored my identity whatsoever. For some reason, however, I resonated with this character’s identity. I have lived my life as female for 20 years and am now at a point where I’m exploring and questioning my gender identity. I’ve put down aspects of my life I’ve looked back on and jotted them down below: Early childhood (4-8): Fairly girly, loved barbies, glitter, mermaids, makeovers Also liked superheroes, action movies and toys my brother had Hated the idea of becoming a teenager/growing up (even cried on one of my birthdays and wanted to fly to Neverland so I could stay young forever lol) Almost all my imaginary friends were boys Had a male “inner voice” and a female “inner voice” (I was a weird kid ha ha) Had two imaginary horses; one boy and one girl Mimicked men’s voices and wondered what it’d be like to be a boy Never really felt out of the ordinary, just thought “I was born a girl, I must be a girl” Later childhood (9-13): “Tomboy” Still played with dolls Compared myself to male characters and secretly hoped others would see the correlation Wrote stories that consisted of mostly male characters Aunt bought me a “mature” bra; I hated it, threw it into my closet and never wore it Became very introverted after puberty Teens (14-17) Hated bras Slightly uncomfortable with my chest, never knew why Wore puffy hoodies to conceal myself Hated makeup Rarely looked at myself in the mirror Avoided looking at chest Would pretend I didn’t have a chest when drying off after showers Got into mild spiffs with my mom about the clothes she bought for me for being too girly Hated having my pictures posted online by my parents or taking any pictures at all Early adulthood (18-20): Memories of my childhood & high school very hazy Feeling like I was on “autopilot” General feeling that I have not matured physically? Hard to imagine my future self Uneasy feeling when changing Diagnosed with depression Now (21): Began questioning Cut my hair Dressed more androgynously Started binding Thought about the possibility of being gender fluid, but feel like male fits better? Played with makeup to make fake stubble Liked how I looked more when using gender-swapping apps Bought minoxidil to stimulate facial hair growth and got excited when it (barely lol) started growing Sort of passed as a guy Still like feminine things and aesthetics, just not on me Seeing myself in the future as a guy more than a woman Doubts about all this: Trying to convince myself daily that I’m a woman and that this is most likely a phase Trying to hide from myself due to low self esteem Hiding from my womanhood Making this the center of my attention in order to keep from being depressed (only feeling good because I’m setting goals for myself) Worried this stems from rumination and obsession (I’ve been struggling with very distressing intrusive thoughts for about 4 years, my counselor thinks it may be a form of ocd. I haven’t been diagnosed) Overthinking things and blowing things out of proportion So that’s about it. I’m just very confused right now. I know I need to take this slow but I’m just looking for advice or experience some of you might have? I’ve just started seeing a counselor who has experience with gender related issues so I have that going for me. However, I would like to hear your thoughts? Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.
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