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TRIGGER WARNING: GENDER DYSPHORIA/ DEPRESSION/ SUICIDE Please don't read this if you're vulnerable. "And when someone asks me if that was a cry for help, I say no because I told no one. You only cry for help if you believe there's help to cry for." This not a cry because I know deep inside that there's no help out there for me. Hi ! My name is Alaa. I'm 20. And I'm transgender ftm. I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria my whole life. And Iive in one of the most transphobic countries ( a Muslim country in north Africa). Most people here will live their entire lives without hearing the word transgender. They don't know about us and they manage to hate us. The irony. It's nearly impossible for me to get help. When I tried I was humiliated by my therapist. I can't come out to anyone. My parents will probably go crazy if I do and it will break their hearts and they'll torture me to change. Additionally, I risk getting persecuted and I can end up in jail. I can't get out of here and even if I do, for what? I can't leave my parents and my friends behind. I love them. I can't break their hearts. I would rather die than be a source of pain and shame to them. Not after all the beautiful things they did to me. This whole situation is unfair. I really wish things were different but they're not. And nothing is going to change. I hate myself. What in the hell did I do to deserve all this?
So, my situation got worse! My father saw my messages (with friends calling me Leo and stuff) and just didn't spank me yet because my mother said it was too late for that. She said that he said if he sees it again, he may actually spank me for real. I'm so -censored- scared. As I said, I really can't stand the possibility of fights and getting hurt. Plus, I just talked with my therapist and he said I'm not trans because I don't want to be spanked for that ??? I'm just so mad, sad and hurt. This man doesn't know even how to distinguish identity and sexuality. He doesn't know what he's doing. I really hate him and want him as furtherst away as possible. If I try to talk with my parents about stopping this worthless treatment, they'll just get mad and hurt me even more. I really don't know what to do. I wanna die. I can't stand this anymore. I need true help.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm fighting right now as I type this only because it's become such a habit. The coping skills I had to learn to get comfortable with and practice have become instinct. I guess you could say I'm pretty far in my "recovery" for that . But that's the thing I don't want to cope anymore. I just want to let go, just fall away. I try so -censored- hard to pretend that desire isn't there anymore and that I'm "changed" but it's there. I keep forgetting that it built a home inside me. And even tho I keep the door shut, is still standing and it always finds a way out; my desire to let go. close my eyes, disappear. I fight it whenever it comes up but -expletive-. I'm starting to wonder why I even fight anymore. I used to ask myself this all the time and it's scaring me that I'm asking myself this again. It really is. I want it all to go away. I don't know why I wrote this here. It's not fair to put this on you guys I just... I can't tell my family they'll think I'm "bad" again. Or unsafe again. I don't want them to worry. -Trevor