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Found 2 results

  1. OpenHearted

    Hellos

    Hello I am generally not doing great, especially today. I will come back to that shortly. I have been cross dressing or interested in transgender lifestyle for decades. Only in this past year or two now have I been very open about it with anyone. I am not too sure about going into too many details about my current crisis' but I am desperate for greater support most days. I have diagnosis' of major depressive disorder, ptsd, and suicidal ideology. I am wondering if it might be c-ptsd. I am from Canada. I am 44 non-binary/free spirit/two spirit. I was born male. I am recovered from alcoholism, on a daily basis, since Friday March 13th 2015. I am smoke free since Friday October 13th 2017. I still tend to drink too much coffee and I am far from perfect but most moments of each day I love myself and many other spirits with all my heart, mind, and soul. Sometimes with a hug, smiles, or even occasionally with kisses to special spirits I cross paths with
  2. UghToast

    Embarrassed and Unsure

    Hello, Recently I started coming out as trans to my immediate family and friend circle. I have spent most of my life (25 yrs) wishing I were a boy, and being uncomfortable/sad being referred to as female. I am generally OK with my body, I'm pretty sure HRT is not for me, but I bought a chest binder and have been feeling loads better because of it. Just trying at this point to accept myself as a boy, trying to undo the years of seeing myself as female. If I could press a button to become male, I would -- I just want to FEEL like a boy, if that makes sense. And, sometimes I do, and it's exhilarating! Anyway, when it involves to coming out to other people, I've been less certain. My friends are generally understanding, but I am now the only LGBT person in our circle. I've brought up wanting a gender neutral name and using male pronouns, but when friends and family do use them around me (oftentimes correcting themselves) I feel horribly embarrassed and ashamed. Is this normal? I feel like it's a mix of things, like I'm worried people don't actually SEE me as a boy, because I don't and probably will never pass as a boy. I feel totally vulnerable making this change. What if I have second thoughts? But at the same time, even though it's familiar, I don't want to go back to the female name/pronouns because I don't want to spend my whole life wishing for something that I don't allow myself to attain. I guess I'm just scared. I'm in this middle ground now where nothing feels right (except occasionally when I am out with one good friend who is crazy supportive I feel excited). I want to be a boy so bad, and so far everyone has been very nice, why don't I have the bravery to do this?? I have a gender therapist I've been seeing but I haven't been jiving very well with her, she just sits there and stares at me smiling and then I feel like I have to yammer to avoid the silence. So, I have made another appointment with someone else, but it's a couple week out, which is why I am reaching out here for support. Thank U in advance, --UghToast
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