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  1. cassian

    Transguy in the South

    Greetings everyone, My name is Cassian and I use he/him or they/them pronouns. I'm a nonbinary transguy who was assigned female at birth. Even though I've known for about five years that I am definitely not cisgender, I'm still experimenting with and figuring out labels. When I first came out, I came out a genderfluid person who used exclusively they/them pronouns. While I totally think this gender identity is valid (and same goes to the exclusive use of they/them pronouns), I think that when I first started using this label, I used it as a way to deal with still expressing myself in a traditionally feminine way. I was nowhere near being able to come out, had long hair, didn't own a binder, and went to a Catholic school where I was required to wear a skirt every day. I think part of the reason I chose that label back then was to feel valid even if I was dressing in a feminine way. Now, I think that label may still fit, but I've changed a lot in five years. I've come out to my family and at school. I use my name and pronouns at school and at home, own two binders, own a packer, and dress in a traditionally masculine or neutral way. This has given me the chance to think about my gender and how I feel without worrying so much about not feeling valid. My gender does feel fluid. But it fluctuates differently than how I defined it a few years ago. Due in part to a poor explanation of genderfluidity and to cisnormity, I felt that my gender had to fluctuate between three things: completely masculine, completely neutral, and completely feminine. Now, I realise that fluctuations between completely masculine, completely neutral, mostly neutral with some feminine feelings, and anything in between allows me to use the term genderfluid and still feel valid. So that's my identity, I guess. I do believe that I'm genderfluid, but the terms genderfluid boy or nonbinary boy make me feel the most comfortable. For the most part, my coming out experience has been fine. I've had wonderful, supportive, and loving friends and an amazing and understanding boyfriend. My family now uses the correct name and he/him pronouns, but still makes comments they really shouldn't. Coming out to them was a process, to say the least. My biggest problem now is actually physically transitioning. I've cut my hair, changed my wardrobe, bought binders and packers, and done about all I can do without any medical transitioning. And I do want to transition. I want to start T and eventually get top surgery as well as legally change my name and gender marker. Living in the south makes that hard though. Resources are slim and far away. Plus, my mom won't let me start T, even if I can pay for it myself. I "don't deserve it." Right now, I'm kind of stuck. I want to further my transition, but there isn't much I can do right now.
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