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Found 25 results

  1. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  2. Hi guys! I've been kind of confused lately... Almost a year ago now I came out (exclusively) as ftm trans but lately I find myself questioning my sexuality as well. My entire life I was never into boys the way I was girls. I Could have crushes on boys but I could never fall in love and all that stuff. Before I came out as trans I identified as a lesbian for 6 years as well. But lately I find myself wondering. Theres this trans guy youtuber who I started really crushing on. And while yes I I know anyone can fancy an attractive guy with a platform, it literally got to the point where it was like 'admit it, you want him' and in some ways im confused but also surprised. Have any of you guys come out as trans and feel your preference expand? What do u think the reason behind that is? (I'm thinking maybe it's because liking men was, in my past, associated with "femininity" and being a straight female [by society's standards anyway?]) I don't know... after all I do have to explore this more. This youtuber could be the exception. I don't know... In some ways in kind of scared about it. I feel like I'm learning more and more that I am not who I think I am. I feel like I've been losing what I thought was factual. In some ways thought I Would live as a girl my whole life and never come out and face the hardships that come with this. but I know now that I need to come out and I'm accepting that one but I thought I knew my sexuality for a fact and now I'm realizing I don't even have that. I'm feeling very lost and confused in my life. Anyways.... Thank you all again for being something to lean on. I appreciate it. - Trevor
  3. Naomi Knowles

    Hobbies?

    Hi all I'm looking to hear about trans experiences with their various hobbies that involve interacting with other bodies, in the hope that I can be inspired to be more social. What you enjoy about them, how you came to realise you liked them, and anything else of interest about them (to you or others)? Having kicked my old hobbies years ago pre-transition because I wasn't in a good place mentally, and couldn't enjoy them anymore, I never properly replaced them with anything, which I understand was not a clever move on my part. Social Withdrawal is a wicked creature that shares a bed with depression & loneliness, and forms a self-sustaining negative feedback loop with them of shame, guilt and anxiety (both real and imagined. Mostly imagined.), and connecting with groups of people is a tonic well worth trying for just such an issue. If hobbies & interests make for a more overall interesting individual, which facilitates making those connections, I need to find something that engages and satisfies me as a human, but I'm in a position where nothing jumps out at me, and instead look to others for opinions.
  4. UghToast

    Embarrassed and Unsure

    Hello, Recently I started coming out as trans to my immediate family and friend circle. I have spent most of my life (25 yrs) wishing I were a boy, and being uncomfortable/sad being referred to as female. I am generally OK with my body, I'm pretty sure HRT is not for me, but I bought a chest binder and have been feeling loads better because of it. Just trying at this point to accept myself as a boy, trying to undo the years of seeing myself as female. If I could press a button to become male, I would -- I just want to FEEL like a boy, if that makes sense. And, sometimes I do, and it's exhilarating! Anyway, when it involves to coming out to other people, I've been less certain. My friends are generally understanding, but I am now the only LGBT person in our circle. I've brought up wanting a gender neutral name and using male pronouns, but when friends and family do use them around me (oftentimes correcting themselves) I feel horribly embarrassed and ashamed. Is this normal? I feel like it's a mix of things, like I'm worried people don't actually SEE me as a boy, because I don't and probably will never pass as a boy. I feel totally vulnerable making this change. What if I have second thoughts? But at the same time, even though it's familiar, I don't want to go back to the female name/pronouns because I don't want to spend my whole life wishing for something that I don't allow myself to attain. I guess I'm just scared. I'm in this middle ground now where nothing feels right (except occasionally when I am out with one good friend who is crazy supportive I feel excited). I want to be a boy so bad, and so far everyone has been very nice, why don't I have the bravery to do this?? I have a gender therapist I've been seeing but I haven't been jiving very well with her, she just sits there and stares at me smiling and then I feel like I have to yammer to avoid the silence. So, I have made another appointment with someone else, but it's a couple week out, which is why I am reaching out here for support. Thank U in advance, --UghToast
  5. heyim_finn

    It could happen sooner than I thought

    So I've had a lot of thoughts come to me recently after having two names really resonate with me. I feel more like myself with them, and if I can forget about my euphoria at home it's even better. But the amount of thinking I've done about being able to come out and transition are insane. I know I can order my binder this summer, with me being able to get a job in a little more than a month, and I can start wearing more baggy "men's style ish" shirts because I've told my mom about my top dysphoria, and how I'm uncomfortable in form fitting clothing. She understood that part but doesn't want me to be masculine I think just put of fear. But soon I will be able to buy my own clothes and choose what I wear and how I present. I've been thinking that maybe by the end of junior year I can dress how I want and be able to come out at school to almost everyone, and (sadly) I know I don't have to worry about a slip in front of my parents because they don't allow my friends over anymore. The only thing that could get me is marching band, but normally no one calls me in front of them, they are pretty despised because they've left me bawling in the middle of games that I can't even perform. But at the end of my senior year, I plan on having enough saved up that I could get a shared apartment with one of my friends, or possibly move in with one of them for a little. Then I can come out to my parents.I And as soon as I can save up the money for it, I can see a gender therapist without my parents knowing. I can get help for now u too I can get my "ok" for T. That's really what I've been holding on to. One of my friends is trans, and He just got his slip for T, he starts in a little more than 2 months. So I know that there's hope and I'll be comfortable in my own body eventually. But it's so hard just waiting. I know that I'm going to be forced to wear a bikini for this summer and it might just ruin me, but I'll see if I can find a way to make it slightly better. It's really just a game of holding on and trusting myself for the time being. But it sure hurts like hell.
  6. Hey guys! It's been a bad day. I see an endocrinologist for thyroid issues and stuff and I thought I'd ask about hrt and he told me that the only endo that aids in that stuff was in San Diego (as far as he knew).. it's such a setback. I started crying when I heard. I don't know what to do anymore I can't live like this anymore. 😕 hes gotta be wrong he's got to. How to i go about finding out for sure if san Diego is the only endo that can help me? I live about 2 to 3 1/2 hours from there 😕 and while that isn't that bad it is for someone who is barely if not at all independent financially yet. I need helping finding out where I could look or search to find my answers. It doesn't help that my therapist doesn't know anything about trans related things or that this isn't simply a "want" like getting a dog... Ugh.. I'm sorry you guys. I don't mean to dump my problems on anyone. This revelation has just been weighing on me all day. -Trevor
  7. heyim_finn

    name?

    So names are a fun topic. I currently go by Finn with a few people, but it doesn't feel right. I brainstormed a good bit and finally have a list. My top three are James, nickname Jamie, Caspian, nickname Cas, and Samuel, nickname Sam. Then the other ones are Nico, Haru, Braeden, Keir, and Jack. I wanted a "general name" but also something to deal with water or space. I really like Caspian for that reason, its a water related name. It's just weird to talk about it with my friends. Any advice?
  8. So I was really badly depressed and dysphoric last night. I decided to cut my hair to get away from the feeling of cutting myself. But now I'm so anxious about seeing my parents today because they hate when I try to look masculine because they aren't accepting as I came out as nonbinary because I knew they'd hurt me if i said I was trans. It's at the length I wanted it but I'm so anxious about seeing my parents that I can't get over the fact is why the heck did I cut it? I'm scared that they are going to hurt me when I see them. Why did i do this?
  9. I had a rough patch last night, where I just about started cutting again, or using drugs from how depressed and dysphoric I got. So I cut my hair. My mom is going to kill me once she gets home soon and I'm terrified of how it will play out. I have a plan for if I do get hit, but this forum is on my tablet and I do how to reach Tomball if I need help here. If I do get hit, i know that I will be going away to a friend's house, after alerting the polyurethane I've left and why I've left. Then I won't endanger myself or the friend in staying with until child services get involved. I tried to stay safe and closeted but it just didn't happen. I'm so scared rn, I'm having the worst snowball effect from anxiety and I'm afraid I'm going to cut anyway. Help
  10. heyim_finn

    Relationship problems

    so the only person in really "out" to is my girlfriend. But after that and the stresses of trying to get me a binder there has been a lot of tension between us. We have been fighting a lot and arguing, and if I'm honest I think I'm falling out of love just because of the shear amount of times this is happening. I know it started with me, because after me coming out the problems arose. She said she accepted me and was willing to work with me, but there's so much tension that I think that has changed. I don't know exactly what to do at this point but just call it off to alleviate a lot of the stress and pain for her. Is that the best thing to do?
  11. So I have come out to myself over the summer of 2018 as a transgender guy. I have always felt pressured to be a girl and fit in, but I've always been uncomfortable with she/her pronouns. Once I got puberty it got worse, and I was really confused when I first got a period, even after having talked about it with my mother. It just kept getting worse after that, but I just figured I was feeling awkward from growing at a weird rate. I've always wanted to be tall and have short hair and facial hair, that I would always tuck my hair into a hat and drawn on a beard. I was picked on in middle school from wearing baggy shirts to hide my chest, so I just attempted to fit in. I wasn't ultra feminine, but I would wear tight clothing. It was also the time I was saying a lot of guys to fit in. But over the summer I cut my hair like I've wanted to for years and finally came to terms with myself. That I was a guy, I was trans and I was valid. I needed some sort of easing my dysphoria so I came out as nonbinary to my mom, to which she completely invalidated me and said she refused to call me by my preferred pronouns. Now anything I do that is relatively masculine they lose their minds. I have asked a friend to order me a binder but I'm not entirely sure if they can. My dysphoria is now at a point where it makes me incredibly nauseous, sick to my stomach and making me horrible embarassed. I not really put to people but I speak to my bandmates about my dysphoria. I don't know how long I can take being addresses as my dead name and with dead pronouns without lashing out and outing myself in a potentially abusing household. I only have to stay here for two more years until I can get out and start hormone treatments, and I've spoken to my therapist about everything and she sees that I'm serious about doing these things and sees how dangerous my situation is. I'm so scared and irritated about the whole situation and I don't know how much longer I can take it. Any advice about what to do and how to ease the urge to just get it over with and come out, despite the knowledge that I would be in a terrible situation for the next two years?
  12. I'm tired of fighting. I'm fighting right now as I type this only because it's become such a habit. The coping skills I had to learn to get comfortable with and practice have become instinct. I guess you could say I'm pretty far in my "recovery" for that . But that's the thing I don't want to cope anymore. I just want to let go, just fall away. I try so -censored- hard to pretend that desire isn't there anymore and that I'm "changed" but it's there. I keep forgetting that it built a home inside me. And even tho I keep the door shut, is still standing and it always finds a way out; my desire to let go. close my eyes, disappear. I fight it whenever it comes up but -expletive-. I'm starting to wonder why I even fight anymore. I used to ask myself this all the time and it's scaring me that I'm asking myself this again. It really is. I want it all to go away. I don't know why I wrote this here. It's not fair to put this on you guys I just... I can't tell my family they'll think I'm "bad" again. Or unsafe again. I don't want them to worry. -Trevor
  13. Hey guys! I don't know if it's just me but does anybody else feel like they're "faking" their dysphoria or their identity ? I don't know if it's subconscious guilt or the fact that when I first come out my parents told me I didn't have dysphoria but there are moments when I look in the mirror and dislike my chest or my feminine features and I feel like I'm faking it. Like I'm making the dysphoria up in my head or it's not dysphoria at all but just a generalized disliking for myself that is totally separate from my identity. I'm constantly over thinking the way I talk if I sound too feminine etc and I feel like I'm causing myself dysphoria. I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm convincing myself I'm trans. I think my general misunderstanding of dysphoria contributes to this because I only know what other ppl tell me of dyphoria? Idk would one say this is dyphoria? Have any of you guys and gals felt this way? Much love to you beautiful people. -Trevor
  14. Hey guys! Haven't been on here in awhile but I hope all you beautiful people are doing well. I've been okay... Been deadnamed a lot lately being that my grandmother flew out from Michigan for the holidays. It was amazing to see her but I had to remain in the closet. idk lately I kind of feel more and more dysphoric? it kind of went from not even knowing if I was trans because of my lack of dysphoria and having euphoria instead, to catching myself feeling more and more dysphoric as the months go on. My parents refused to call me Trevor from the very get-go and while it did hurt, their utter disapproval hurt worse. Now I can't stand hearing my deadname. I can't stand dealing with the fact that they have decided to pass my identity off as a phase just because I've grown tired of begging them to call me Trevor. I even agreed to go by Ethan as my first name because it was one my mom said she liked yet she STILL won't call me anything but my deadname. It bothers me every day. I find myself hating myself in ways I hadn't before. I just... I don't understand how I could go from "no" dysphoria or at least not to the extent that consumed me to this? Am I speaking it into existence? have any of you experienced this? Trevor x Ps happy (late) holidays! I hope all had some place warm to go 💕
  15. Hi there everyone. I only recently found this site so thought I would join and participate where I can. I have been on HRT (MTF) for around 5-6 months give or take, and yet have only really developed soreness and a little breast growth, nothing more. I am 42, so if there are any older Trans girls there who'd like to chat and share ideas etc, I'd be grateful.
  16. Hey! Does anyone know any gender therapists residing in the riverside/Temecula/Orange county area? I'm 18 in a couple of months and want to start searching. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. -Trevor
  17. Hey sooo... A few months ago I came here saying I think I might be trans and have experimented and realized that I feel amazing identifying as a male. I got called "he" by some girl that didn't even know I was trans (or identified as male) on Halloween and it made me feel amazing. But lately I've been feeling a strong sense of... Shame? I think? Or maybe it's dysphoria but every time someone, my sister for example, calls me he or by my name (Trevor) I just get angry I just...I don't feel good. I even got angry and impulsively told her to call me my birthname. (I later told her to call me Trevor again) but I'm just confused at my own emotions. ? The reason I say it might be dysphoria is bc it somehow started to make me feel worse like I knew that it didn't fit my appearance and that it's almost humorous and that made me really angry. I just.... I came on this site bc of the intense shame and suppression I was feeling when I started questioning and this site gave me peace but now the shame came back and I get embarrassed when ppl call me Trevor in public bc I know I don't "pass" enough. I don't know. I feel -crappy-. At this point in not even worried about others acceptance now but my own. IT was disappointing to realize I still haven't fully accepted myself. I don't know maybe I'm just feeling dysphoria?? I have such a strong to order a packer rn too.... Guys please let me know if u identify with these feelings or if this is dysphoria or something. I really need help identifying my emotions. It would mean the world and it DOES mean the world. Thank you. - Trevor
  18. DeeDee

    Hey folks!

    So I guess I'm posting because the polite thing to do is to say hi to everyone, and thanks for accepting me as a new member. I am a bald 40yo AMAB who has 2 children and a recently separated wife. For the last month I have pretty much been obsessed with the idea of questioning my gender, I initially thought I might be gender fluid as I have known for years that my brain operates in a "female" way, whenever I have taken a test serious or otherwise that was the result, but I have also crossdressed secretly on and off and always assumed it was my own dirty shameful secret. In order to work things out in my own head I started a blog on wordpress and did initially hope to get some thoughts from others with more knowledge than I (I know now I was looking in the wrong place which is why I'm here) if you want a run down of my brain for the last month feel free to read it. https://ironicissues.wordpress.com This was the first time I have ever taken a photo of me dressed up let alone put it somewhere public and actually admitted it and as you will see I have actually found I enjoy it and feel positive about the way I look. However as a binary thinker for most of my life while I had no issues with the lgbtq+ community I certainly never saw myself as a part of it. As I have read and watched youtube video after youtube video and taken online test after online test the one thing that has become clear is that I am not a cismale (anything but depending on which test result you take). I am drawn strongly towards trans videos and very recently admitted I was questioning to one of my 4 sisters. While surprised she took it in her stride and has volunteered to help me explore - tomorrow I intend to tell another sister (I grew up the middle child and only boy in a house with 4 sisters - something I have always used to explain any feminine thinking or traits) I am telling myself that I am just investigating but because of who I am I know that I need to try and speak to a counsellor of some sort soon. Anyway - I am glad to find this space where I hope to find answers to questions which have probably already been asked numerous times - the main one being who am I really? Sadie is a name that popped into my head when I needed to blog - so at the moment, it will do as a moniker. Take care xxxx
  19. So... how do I go about this? I've never been good at these whole 'introduce yourself' sort of things. So, I'll do this the best way I can. My name is Eric, though, I wasn't born an Eric. I was born with a name for a female, and sadly, that's what people thought I was all because of the parts between my legs and what's on my chest. However, I absolutely hate those. If it was up to me, I'd gladly chop my chest off. My birth certificate says I am a 'female' but that doesn't match what I've always felt. I hate it. Anyway, I'm 27 years old and from New Orleans. When I was young I used to do things differently than most girls. I would play with the boys, always being caught talking about 'ninja's' and found on the playground playing karate, soccer, baseball, football, everything. I wasn't just one of your everyday girls. Granted I did play babies and barbies, but that was about it. Even then I'd always say I wanted to be the dad and so on and so forth. It never really bothered me that I was always called dude or anything. It never bothered me that while girls wanted to wear dresses or skirts, I wanted to wear jeans and the coolest TMNT shirt or some superhero shirt. It never really dawned on me that I was different. Not until Halloween when other little girls wanted to wear princess costumes and I wanted to be a Power Ranger or The Grim Reaper. I kind of brushed it off though as being very tomboyish, which I assumed was the problem. Especially since growing up I was the only 'girl' in the family. Nobody in the family had another and so I was raised with a lot of boys. It was normal for me. At around six years old, after my family ran into financial troubles, I was forced to wear my older brothers hand-me-downs. Honestly, I felt so comfortable in that and couldn't have been happier with myself. In middle school, when I hit puberty though, things got pretty bad for me. So at 12 years old, I attempted suicide. Doctors put me on anti-depresents and things went only even more downhill from there as it interfered with my ADHD medicine. One of them had to be taken off. Whether my parents wanted a child who people said wouldn't even finish 9th grade because of my issues if I went off of my ADHD meds, or a child who was severely depressed and attempting suicide every free moment I got. They decided it was best to keep me on ADHD meds and just get me in with the school counselor as well as a childhood shrink. I eventually fell far into depression because I didn't seem to fit in with anyone and so I turned to the computer. It helped my ADHD in a sense, but I eventually became addicted and 'hyper-focused' on the computer. Which is something my doctors told my mother was bound to happen with something as children and adults with ADHD tend to hyperfocus on things that interest them. Anyway, at 15 I ventured into my first online forum and created an account with the alias of 'Logan' and set my gender to male. Nobody seemed to notice anything weird about 'Logan'. I was around 16 when I realized what transgender was and that the things I was doing weren't normal. My parents were both very conservative, my father being incredibly homophobic and my mother, while tolerant, never spoke about anything LGBT either. They also pushed aside my aunt when she came out as Lesbian, so I never felt comfortable coming out. I began cutting as a way to escape the things I was feeling. My grades dropped substantially and I was failing classes. Honestly, I was a mess, my parents 'problem child'. The one that school counselors told my parents I would never graduate. Told my parents I'd wind up dead in a ditch sometime by the age of 19. I was that child nobody had any hope for. I began feeling that with my peers as well. At 17 years old I came out to my mother. I was unable to hide it anymore. She told me she always knew, that I wasn't exactly a girl. And then she kind of guilt-tripped me saying that she named me after her baby doll 'Krissy' when she was a little girl, When I asked if she still loved me she said 'I loved you before I even met you' and stuff. Even said I was always that 'little girl she always wanted'. I felt bad about taking that away from her. So I told her I was wrong. I was just a tomboy. I attempted suicide once more that night and was taken to the hospital. At 19, I graduated High School, made sure to prove all those people wrong who told me I would never graduate (I failed 6th grade for not dressing out in PE and started school a year late since I went to a Catholic pre-school). My parents also divorced that year before I graduated and so I spent a lot of time back and forth between my fathers and my mother who lived with my grandmother now. At 20, I was jobless, not in college, grades not good enough for any college. My father began getting drunk, and during one pretty bad night he threw a punch at me and missed my head by a centimeter, left a giant first hole in the wall. My father was always verbally abusive as a kid, and I freaked out when he tried to hit me. I never expected he'd throw a punch at me. And yet he did. Since getting out of school, I always struggled with finding a job and was only really able to get seasonal jobs. I really struggled with whether or not I should tell my father since he always talked poorly about LGBT. I tried telling my little sister, she told me I was stupid and a freak. That I deserved to die. I kind of was confused since her best friend is Trans and I asked how she couldn't support me and she said because I was her sister. It was different. I cut that night after I told her I was joking. A year later I told my little cousin (who is like a little brother to me and I kind of head to his house when I need an escape from things). I know it's kind of weird that literally my only friend and best friend is 18, but like... you take what you're given. Also, he is so similair to me it's like he was a twin born to a different family. Anyway, he accepted me and told me he was gay. So we were able to bond over it. I even told my other cousin a week later (his older brother) who is gay as well. So they both really have been very supportive. I've been able to help me when I'm around them in using the correct pronouns and name and such. I'm now 27, still living with a father who literally last night began screaming at me because he was drunk, and couldn't do anything else. However, I recently secured a job making 12.50 an hour, so I am hoping I'll soon be able to move out and kind of finally make the venture into being who I know I am. I joined this place to try and make friends who know what I'm going through or just talk and stuff. So yeah... Fun Facts: I built my first computer when I was 14. I beat a life guard in a swimming contest in an Olympic sized pool when I was 16. I broke my arm over 20 times because of a birth defect in the bones. I chose the name Eric because when I came out the first time to my mom, I let her pick my male name. Eric was what my name would have been if I was a male. So it's what I picked. I am addicted to the Sims.
  20. Hey guys, so I told my parents in August and it didn't go very well. The first thing my mom says is, "your not a boy, you just don't want to be a -lesbian-." And my dad said, " If I were to live my life as trans I would go away to do it..why would you do it here? " And from there it's gotten worse and worse from my mom. And that's the thing deep down I know she's not transphobic 100% she just doesn't want me to be. she tells me all these things but I can tell she's saying them more for herself than me. Things like "you're a girl" randomly through out the day. And even awful things such as, "you'll never find love. Nobody wants that. .. Just stay a girl. It will make your life easier." And I don't want to believe her but I haven't seen a lot of media representations of trans in relationships bc I'm kid and that's been a fear from the beginning, I just need hope.. BESIDES the fact that it's starting to hurt. When I first came out, their reactions shocked me bc I didn't think they were going to act like that. I spent a couple of days crying and moved on to say -expletive- you to it all bc I know my mom is just scared bc she'll have days where she caves and calls me he and even if it's for a minute, it means something to me. But...it's getting harder to ignore it; the words, the wrong pronouns, different name.. Does anyone have advice? Thank you guys I don't trigger anyone.
  21. PurpleBlue

    What Am I? Help?

    I'm confused and depressed and anxious. I just want to know? Am I just a confused tomboy? I don't know. Because I feel like this is something more than just being tomboy. Because I feel different and it's hard to explain. Anything feminine makes me very uncomfortable like makeup, skirts, dresses, skinny jeans, shaving, periods. I hate my chest and I think it could be dysphoria. But I don't know. I've hated my long hair for years. I've never felt connected to my name. I hate being called words like girl, girly, lady, cute, pretty. I'm afraid of the future and I just don't want to end up doing something I might regret. How to know if your genderqueer or ftm? Whats the difference? How did you realise it? How to know if your experiencing dysphoria or low self esteem or something else?
  22. cassian

    Transguy in the South

    Greetings everyone, My name is Cassian and I use he/him or they/them pronouns. I'm a nonbinary transguy who was assigned female at birth. Even though I've known for about five years that I am definitely not cisgender, I'm still experimenting with and figuring out labels. When I first came out, I came out a genderfluid person who used exclusively they/them pronouns. While I totally think this gender identity is valid (and same goes to the exclusive use of they/them pronouns), I think that when I first started using this label, I used it as a way to deal with still expressing myself in a traditionally feminine way. I was nowhere near being able to come out, had long hair, didn't own a binder, and went to a Catholic school where I was required to wear a skirt every day. I think part of the reason I chose that label back then was to feel valid even if I was dressing in a feminine way. Now, I think that label may still fit, but I've changed a lot in five years. I've come out to my family and at school. I use my name and pronouns at school and at home, own two binders, own a packer, and dress in a traditionally masculine or neutral way. This has given me the chance to think about my gender and how I feel without worrying so much about not feeling valid. My gender does feel fluid. But it fluctuates differently than how I defined it a few years ago. Due in part to a poor explanation of genderfluidity and to cisnormity, I felt that my gender had to fluctuate between three things: completely masculine, completely neutral, and completely feminine. Now, I realise that fluctuations between completely masculine, completely neutral, mostly neutral with some feminine feelings, and anything in between allows me to use the term genderfluid and still feel valid. So that's my identity, I guess. I do believe that I'm genderfluid, but the terms genderfluid boy or nonbinary boy make me feel the most comfortable. For the most part, my coming out experience has been fine. I've had wonderful, supportive, and loving friends and an amazing and understanding boyfriend. My family now uses the correct name and he/him pronouns, but still makes comments they really shouldn't. Coming out to them was a process, to say the least. My biggest problem now is actually physically transitioning. I've cut my hair, changed my wardrobe, bought binders and packers, and done about all I can do without any medical transitioning. And I do want to transition. I want to start T and eventually get top surgery as well as legally change my name and gender marker. Living in the south makes that hard though. Resources are slim and far away. Plus, my mom won't let me start T, even if I can pay for it myself. I "don't deserve it." Right now, I'm kind of stuck. I want to further my transition, but there isn't much I can do right now.
  23. I am a proud mom of a wonderful 16 year old kid. I call them "D". They were born a female and lived as a female until about 13 years old. During that time they wore mainly dresses, make-up, and was very feminine. One day D got their hair cut short and decided they looked like a boy, and felt like a boy (this according to D's own words). A few months later, changed their name to a boy's name. It's been about 3 years now and they want to get on "T" right away, then next year have top surgery. We support them and want to do the right thing of course. D has been evaluated by a therapist is going ahead with the "T" next month. They still like boys, so consider themself to be a "gay male". We went to a pool recently and they oogled lots of teenage boys in the pool (as did I). This is very confusing to me, and I also am thinking - what a HARD road that's going to be for D. So now I'm trying to get used to the relatively fast change in them, and really hoping we are doing the right thing by supporting the transition. I live in the south and most of my friends are saying, what's the hurry? They're only 16. Well, in this society, If a person wants to transition, they transition. I just really wish I could be more helpful to them though. I'm so new at all of this. I love D very much and just want them to be happy.
  24. Hi, I’m Nevada and I’m 19 years old. Biologically a female, but I’m not sure, I’m a girl in mind. It all started at age 6-7. I’ve always been a tomboy, I used to shop at the male’s section and hated all the girly stuff. My parents always wanted me to be more feminine, but I just wasn’t. I liked all the boy’s stuff, playing with the trucks, being out with other boys and getting dirty all the time. I always hated that some boys just couldn’t accept me as a playmate because I’m a girl. I always hated this feeling. I dreamt about being a boy and (I even had some strange dreams about having a male genital and I just felt happy with it.) At age 11-12 I just wanted to convince myself to be a girl, because biologically I’m a girl and I can’t change it. I tried to be an average girl. I tried to date boys even had some boyfriends but I always felt a little strange. At primary school I was a little chubby, so the kids always made fun of me and called me very insulting names. I think I had a little depression as well, but my parents were my backup so I could move on. Idk, could this stressful period of life cause this gender identification? I mean, there were more boys then girls accepting me as a chubby girl, so I basically socialized as a boy. Is it a Dysphoria or just a bad thought? There’s one thing, why I’m unsure, what gender I really am: I don’t really like people of the same sex. I saw many videos of trans people, who had struggles with crushes of the same gender, being lesbian/gay before coming out..but I don’t have it. I just want to be a boy, treat girls like they should/want to be treated. To be the guy, who I always imagined I want to be. I had so many thought, either I could love a girl or not. As a boy, I think I could..maybe. I’ve always been jealous of the suits my classmates wore. I always hated skirts and the feminine shirts and high heels. I tried to wear a pantsuit as much as I could, but my form-teacher forced every girl to wear skirts In February I had a few illnesses discovered. I have insulin resistance, PCOS, and hypothyroidism. Only the PCOS has something to do with my gender identifications problem. Because of the PCOS I had/have increased level of testosterone and I have a really few facial hair and acne. My doctor told me, that it could begin at age of 14-15..so my puberty. At least,I finally knew why my voice was way deeper than the average girls. I think, it just helped my dysphoria to develop. I always had this desire of being a boy, but this year it got stronger and stronger and I became unsure, who I really am. I’m afraid of not being accepted because I live in a post-soviet country. I can’t talk to any psychologist because I’m likely to end up in a psychiatry. There is one thing I’m sure: I’m not crazy. I’m just uncertain what gender I really am and I just really need help but at the present, I can’t get any professional help. There is one last thing why I’m afraid of these thoughts: My parents. They always wanted to have a girl, they are/were so happy about me. They were always a backup and I don’t want to disappoint them. They do not really accept these LGBT things so that’s why I’m really-really confused and afraid of even thinking about this trans thing. How would you solve this stressful situation when I don’t even know who I am.. 😕 Thanks for reading and I would be thankful if you could tell me your opinion in the comments section
  25. Im a born female but i remember now knowing that theres more than two gender and a possibility of bwing trans that i used to be highly curious in male stuff at a very younge age. I was facinated to learn boys had different parts than i did. Id like to walk around the house shirtless and occasionally curiously pee standing up like i saw the men in movies do it. Id allways hang around the guys like uncles and feel macho and cool and although im allways content with my female family members hanging around the guys had allways felt rigjt especially when id play soccer with my three male buds rushing and clammering to kick it away (i lost a lot but only because my friend landel was freakishly tall, like 5 foot 9 in middle school tall and i was a puny 5 foot.) I also started noticing i never quite felt comforatable ESPECIALLY at serimonies. Those were the worst. I hated weating those stupid dresses and make up and allways long to wear a nice suit and tie instead feeling it was much more neat and easier than shaving my mammoth legs (thanks dad). When i did dress girly i never felt pretty and most times it was to show off to others and kinda validate myself. I would wear booty shorts with my friends because otherwise thwyd tease me and for a while i thought this was normal but i was recollection a lot of what i did what them was influenced by the pressure of trying to fit in and the more i dug deep the more i rwalizes id never truly been content with my appearance. Something was just allways off for some reason. This of course led me to the conclusion that i must be a trans male. The ideas of the word father and beother and son felt nice but something was off again. Now to predasess this i dont have much stuff to experiment with atm. I dont have a proper binder or packer or many masculine clothes. Dont have any makeup experience to excentuate my male features so i allways look feminine esc but theres allways a sense of consfusion especially around my breats. Ill look at the bra in the mirror and halfway cringe but faintly kinda like it, ever so slightly. I hate everything else, would prefer to have male parts below the line on all accounts and if the chance was given and bottom surgery was fantastic id get it changed in a snap but as i look at my breasts i cant decide what the hell i think of them. This goes into other apsects like when i picture myself at times its a girl and like right now while five minutes ago that image was okay i dispise it again wanting to hurl at the simple consept of shorts and halter tops, without a flat chest that is. This could come down to sexuality and style i suppose. Im pretty gay but i can see myself dating anyone really and do get attracted to women all be it less frequently than men so perhaps im just having a moment of attracction, like my style of girl i make myself is a type im attracted to or if im kinda idk agender of kinda gender mixed. I did see a study that trans women have brains that are organized like females and trans men tend to have an inbetween. Not male but a mixture between the typical male and female brain set up so maybe thats my case? I have no clue and it gets frusterating because i want to come out. I want to be certain and tell everyone and get the transition going and be content with whatever pride flag i end up holding but i cant find thw one that fits me. I cant fit anywhere at all entirely and everytime i get close something changes again and theres doubts. Is this normal? Is there any ways i can learn what i actually am and atop having to do quiz after quiz trying to find something out about myself. What the hell am i?
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