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  1. Okay hi! So those of you that have been regulars in helping me sort out my journey here on trans pulse know that I'm dealing with a lot of shame surrounding my identity and it really bothers me. My sister has been dating this woman for like 6 months and it getting kind of serious so she wants to bring her home for Christmas and I'm very very nervous. Now mind you i AM a socially anxious person but I'm abnormally anxious. And I think it's because my sister told her I was trans and that I go by Trevor. My sisters girlfriend had no issues as far as know but I get this feeling of embarrassment? Or that feeling of having someone you don't know see you naked? I don't know... I can't take the embarrassment anymore. sometimes I think the embarrassment or Shame is reverse dysphoria and then I start to question if I truly am trans. Or sometimes I think the name Trevor doesn't fit me or that Trevor is more of a different side of me or an alter ego if you will than actually me. I don't know. I can't make a decision to save my life so having to make the decision to outwardly change myself socially and physically to the world to be happy has been my greatest burden. Why am I so embarrassed for my sisters girlfriend to know me and address me as Trevor?? sometimes I think it's a fear that deep down most people will think I'm "strange" but the other reason is I get second hand dysphoria sometimes when I see a pre - T pre everything ft like me and I feel like when I go by Trevor in someone else's eyes they truly notice all the ways I DON'T look like a Trevor or im NOT A Trevor . am I making any sense?? Deeply grateful to anyone that takes the time to read this and give me insight/tips. Love to all. - Trevor
  2. Hello! A little over a year ago I came to this site questioning my gender and from that point forward I just identified as trans. It felt right, familiar, and just needed. But now almost a year and half later nothing has changed. I still haven't come out publicly just to close friends and family. and I'm still questioning who I am. At this point something just feels off. I don't why it's taken me this long? Maybe it's my minds way of telling me that this isn't what I want? Why am I so ashamed why is me being trans such a dirty little secret? I feel like it might be because I'm so afraid I might be wrong that I don't want to regret coming out. And that Just doesn't seem right to me. After almost a year and a half I don't think I should still be so unsure. The reason I'm writing this is because I read an article about a woman who transitioned to male and then detransitioned and there were something she said that really stood out. She said that she always had some aversion and shame surrounded by the word -lesbian- and that it just kind of felt bitter in her mouth and I 100000% agree with that. So now I'm thinking that maybe it's not being trans that I need to accept maybe it's being "a -lesbian-" and not feel shame in that . There are other parts of me where I feel really bad for months and will watch a teenage boy on a show and will think about it for days. Because I feel robbed, robbed that I didnt get to live my life as a boy and had to spend my childhood as a girl. But I don't know... Maybe I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure dysphoria is supposed to be a constant thing and not just come in waves. I don't know.. I feel like after this long I should have made some progress but I haven't. Why am I so afraid to tell people? is it internalized transphobia? Or is it because deep down I know I'm wrong and am not willing to make that mistake? I don't know and I've had so many people tell me it's subjective but I really am just looking for honest opinions at this point. If someone could please provide that for me id really appreciate it. I'm tired of feeling this way. thank you.
  3. Hi all, My girlfriend is a trans woman who came out to her family well over a year ago. Last night we were at her relatives for a party, where one of her aunts asked some invasive questions. In the process she brought up the deadname and that specific item made my girlfriend really uncomfortable during the rest of dinner. My girlfriend spoke to her aunt privately after dinner and came back in tears, then told me we had to leave. I offered to drive home and she got in the car as quickly as possible. As I'm leaving the house, the aunt stands on the stoop of the house with my girlfriend's mom yelling at me to get her back out here so she can explain, or for me to go tell my girlfriend the (what she considered) perfectly sound argument about why my girlfriend shouldn't be upset because she hadn't offended her (her words, not mine). My girlfriend really wants her family to remain in her life, and it's been incredibly difficult for her to come to terms with the difference in treatment she's experienced since coming out to them. And since she hasn't told me she wants to cut ties with anyone specifically, I didn't stay and argue with her aunt in front of her mom. I just said that we were leaving. Still, I feel awful about the situation, and knowing that there will likely be more similar ones in the future (as long as my girlfriend decides to attend family events, in any case), we know we both will need to be better prepared, mentally and emotionally. I hope some on here could share their own advice about dealing with particularly combative family when it comes to respecting trans people's requests. I understand if anybody's first suggestion is to cut ties with a toxic family member, etc., but at the moment that's a decision that rests on my girlfriend's shoulders, and I'm here to support her. At the moment I'm working on the assumption that she wants to stay around all the family she can, provided they show a willingness to educate themselves, listen, and respect her wishes.
  4. Guys I think I'm a borderline alcoholic. I'm not sure I'm only 18 yrs old but my sister is a meth addict and because of my hidden trauma from it all I stole alcohol for the first time since I've gone to therapy, but now every time I drink I get this freeling that makes me want to drink the bottle dry and it scares me. If anyone is comfortable talking about it, what were some early signs that led u to know u were an alcohol? Bc I've done online tests but they're all about signs of alcoholism in th later on stages. I do deeply apologize to anyone who may have felt triggers by this post
  5. Filip

    I don't know what to do!

    I reaaally need advice, because I'm so lost and I've never been in the situation before. I started a new school. I can't have my name legally changed yet, so the computer system will have my birthname, but the system is not working yet and on a temporary list we have right now there's my actual name. I was supposed to come out to my classmates on the first day, but I chickened out, so basically everybody thinks I'm a cis guy now. It would be perfectly fine if the computer system had my preffered name, but it can't, so I have to come out. How do I do this? How do I explain this to the classmates? In person or via social media? Help!
  6. Tariane90

    Job stress

    I just need to vent. I feel back into a corner. Just started a new job where I thought I'd be comfortable and feel extremely out of place among my co workers, most are trans so I thought it would be a good fit but everyday I have my doubts and it sucks because I have much on my plate as it is and I feel alone in dealing with it all I don't know what to do. I'm stressed everyone's about gossip and nonsense here it seems with no real regard for hard and understanding of others situations. It's seems like a regrettable situation that I wish I'd thought twice about it only I'd known all the details however people have a way of pretending that works and that's hope I got sucked in. I wish there were more decent people in this world, because in most cases that's what it comes down to.
  7. Hi guys! I've been kind of confused lately... Almost a year ago now I came out (exclusively) as ftm trans but lately I find myself questioning my sexuality as well. My entire life I was never into boys the way I was girls. I Could have crushes on boys but I could never fall in love and all that stuff. Before I came out as trans I identified as a lesbian for 6 years as well. But lately I find myself wondering. Theres this trans guy youtuber who I started really crushing on. And while yes I I know anyone can fancy an attractive guy with a platform, it literally got to the point where it was like 'admit it, you want him' and in some ways im confused but also surprised. Have any of you guys come out as trans and feel your preference expand? What do u think the reason behind that is? (I'm thinking maybe it's because liking men was, in my past, associated with "femininity" and being a straight female [by society's standards anyway?]) I don't know... after all I do have to explore this more. This youtuber could be the exception. I don't know... In some ways in kind of scared about it. I feel like I'm learning more and more that I am not who I think I am. I feel like I've been losing what I thought was factual. In some ways thought I Would live as a girl my whole life and never come out and face the hardships that come with this. but I know now that I need to come out and I'm accepting that one but I thought I knew my sexuality for a fact and now I'm realizing I don't even have that. I'm feeling very lost and confused in my life. Anyways.... Thank you all again for being something to lean on. I appreciate it. - Trevor
  8. Trans men & women, shop clerks and wardrobe makeover service providers: What are your experiences (1st or 2nd hand) with paid shopping consultants / trans clients, especially in the fashion sector? Preferably in the UK, but it would be lovely to hear from elsewhere too!
  9. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  10. Naomi Knowles


    Hi all I'm looking to hear about trans experiences with their various hobbies that involve interacting with other bodies, in the hope that I can be inspired to be more social. What you enjoy about them, how you came to realise you liked them, and anything else of interest about them (to you or others)? Having kicked my old hobbies years ago pre-transition because I wasn't in a good place mentally, and couldn't enjoy them anymore, I never properly replaced them with anything, which I understand was not a clever move on my part. Social Withdrawal is a wicked creature that shares a bed with depression & loneliness, and forms a self-sustaining negative feedback loop with them of shame, guilt and anxiety (both real and imagined. Mostly imagined.), and connecting with groups of people is a tonic well worth trying for just such an issue. If hobbies & interests make for a more overall interesting individual, which facilitates making those connections, I need to find something that engages and satisfies me as a human, but I'm in a position where nothing jumps out at me, and instead look to others for opinions.
  11. UghToast

    Embarrassed and Unsure

    Hello, Recently I started coming out as trans to my immediate family and friend circle. I have spent most of my life (25 yrs) wishing I were a boy, and being uncomfortable/sad being referred to as female. I am generally OK with my body, I'm pretty sure HRT is not for me, but I bought a chest binder and have been feeling loads better because of it. Just trying at this point to accept myself as a boy, trying to undo the years of seeing myself as female. If I could press a button to become male, I would -- I just want to FEEL like a boy, if that makes sense. And, sometimes I do, and it's exhilarating! Anyway, when it involves to coming out to other people, I've been less certain. My friends are generally understanding, but I am now the only LGBT person in our circle. I've brought up wanting a gender neutral name and using male pronouns, but when friends and family do use them around me (oftentimes correcting themselves) I feel horribly embarrassed and ashamed. Is this normal? I feel like it's a mix of things, like I'm worried people don't actually SEE me as a boy, because I don't and probably will never pass as a boy. I feel totally vulnerable making this change. What if I have second thoughts? But at the same time, even though it's familiar, I don't want to go back to the female name/pronouns because I don't want to spend my whole life wishing for something that I don't allow myself to attain. I guess I'm just scared. I'm in this middle ground now where nothing feels right (except occasionally when I am out with one good friend who is crazy supportive I feel excited). I want to be a boy so bad, and so far everyone has been very nice, why don't I have the bravery to do this?? I have a gender therapist I've been seeing but I haven't been jiving very well with her, she just sits there and stares at me smiling and then I feel like I have to yammer to avoid the silence. So, I have made another appointment with someone else, but it's a couple week out, which is why I am reaching out here for support. Thank U in advance, --UghToast
  12. heyim_finn

    It could happen sooner than I thought

    So I've had a lot of thoughts come to me recently after having two names really resonate with me. I feel more like myself with them, and if I can forget about my euphoria at home it's even better. But the amount of thinking I've done about being able to come out and transition are insane. I know I can order my binder this summer, with me being able to get a job in a little more than a month, and I can start wearing more baggy "men's style ish" shirts because I've told my mom about my top dysphoria, and how I'm uncomfortable in form fitting clothing. She understood that part but doesn't want me to be masculine I think just put of fear. But soon I will be able to buy my own clothes and choose what I wear and how I present. I've been thinking that maybe by the end of junior year I can dress how I want and be able to come out at school to almost everyone, and (sadly) I know I don't have to worry about a slip in front of my parents because they don't allow my friends over anymore. The only thing that could get me is marching band, but normally no one calls me in front of them, they are pretty despised because they've left me bawling in the middle of games that I can't even perform. But at the end of my senior year, I plan on having enough saved up that I could get a shared apartment with one of my friends, or possibly move in with one of them for a little. Then I can come out to my parents.I And as soon as I can save up the money for it, I can see a gender therapist without my parents knowing. I can get help for now u too I can get my "ok" for T. That's really what I've been holding on to. One of my friends is trans, and He just got his slip for T, he starts in a little more than 2 months. So I know that there's hope and I'll be comfortable in my own body eventually. But it's so hard just waiting. I know that I'm going to be forced to wear a bikini for this summer and it might just ruin me, but I'll see if I can find a way to make it slightly better. It's really just a game of holding on and trusting myself for the time being. But it sure hurts like hell.
  13. Hey guys! It's been a bad day. I see an endocrinologist for thyroid issues and stuff and I thought I'd ask about hrt and he told me that the only endo that aids in that stuff was in San Diego (as far as he knew).. it's such a setback. I started crying when I heard. I don't know what to do anymore I can't live like this anymore. 😕 hes gotta be wrong he's got to. How to i go about finding out for sure if san Diego is the only endo that can help me? I live about 2 to 3 1/2 hours from there 😕 and while that isn't that bad it is for someone who is barely if not at all independent financially yet. I need helping finding out where I could look or search to find my answers. It doesn't help that my therapist doesn't know anything about trans related things or that this isn't simply a "want" like getting a dog... Ugh.. I'm sorry you guys. I don't mean to dump my problems on anyone. This revelation has just been weighing on me all day. -Trevor
  14. heyim_finn


    So names are a fun topic. I currently go by Finn with a few people, but it doesn't feel right. I brainstormed a good bit and finally have a list. My top three are James, nickname Jamie, Caspian, nickname Cas, and Samuel, nickname Sam. Then the other ones are Nico, Haru, Braeden, Keir, and Jack. I wanted a "general name" but also something to deal with water or space. I really like Caspian for that reason, its a water related name. It's just weird to talk about it with my friends. Any advice?
  15. So I was really badly depressed and dysphoric last night. I decided to cut my hair to get away from the feeling of cutting myself. But now I'm so anxious about seeing my parents today because they hate when I try to look masculine because they aren't accepting as I came out as nonbinary because I knew they'd hurt me if i said I was trans. It's at the length I wanted it but I'm so anxious about seeing my parents that I can't get over the fact is why the heck did I cut it? I'm scared that they are going to hurt me when I see them. Why did i do this?
  16. I had a rough patch last night, where I just about started cutting again, or using drugs from how depressed and dysphoric I got. So I cut my hair. My mom is going to kill me once she gets home soon and I'm terrified of how it will play out. I have a plan for if I do get hit, but this forum is on my tablet and I do how to reach Tomball if I need help here. If I do get hit, i know that I will be going away to a friend's house, after alerting the polyurethane I've left and why I've left. Then I won't endanger myself or the friend in staying with until child services get involved. I tried to stay safe and closeted but it just didn't happen. I'm so scared rn, I'm having the worst snowball effect from anxiety and I'm afraid I'm going to cut anyway. Help
  17. heyim_finn

    Relationship problems

    so the only person in really "out" to is my girlfriend. But after that and the stresses of trying to get me a binder there has been a lot of tension between us. We have been fighting a lot and arguing, and if I'm honest I think I'm falling out of love just because of the shear amount of times this is happening. I know it started with me, because after me coming out the problems arose. She said she accepted me and was willing to work with me, but there's so much tension that I think that has changed. I don't know exactly what to do at this point but just call it off to alleviate a lot of the stress and pain for her. Is that the best thing to do?
  18. So I have come out to myself over the summer of 2018 as a transgender guy. I have always felt pressured to be a girl and fit in, but I've always been uncomfortable with she/her pronouns. Once I got puberty it got worse, and I was really confused when I first got a period, even after having talked about it with my mother. It just kept getting worse after that, but I just figured I was feeling awkward from growing at a weird rate. I've always wanted to be tall and have short hair and facial hair, that I would always tuck my hair into a hat and drawn on a beard. I was picked on in middle school from wearing baggy shirts to hide my chest, so I just attempted to fit in. I wasn't ultra feminine, but I would wear tight clothing. It was also the time I was saying a lot of guys to fit in. But over the summer I cut my hair like I've wanted to for years and finally came to terms with myself. That I was a guy, I was trans and I was valid. I needed some sort of easing my dysphoria so I came out as nonbinary to my mom, to which she completely invalidated me and said she refused to call me by my preferred pronouns. Now anything I do that is relatively masculine they lose their minds. I have asked a friend to order me a binder but I'm not entirely sure if they can. My dysphoria is now at a point where it makes me incredibly nauseous, sick to my stomach and making me horrible embarassed. I not really put to people but I speak to my bandmates about my dysphoria. I don't know how long I can take being addresses as my dead name and with dead pronouns without lashing out and outing myself in a potentially abusing household. I only have to stay here for two more years until I can get out and start hormone treatments, and I've spoken to my therapist about everything and she sees that I'm serious about doing these things and sees how dangerous my situation is. I'm so scared and irritated about the whole situation and I don't know how much longer I can take it. Any advice about what to do and how to ease the urge to just get it over with and come out, despite the knowledge that I would be in a terrible situation for the next two years?
  19. I'm tired of fighting. I'm fighting right now as I type this only because it's become such a habit. The coping skills I had to learn to get comfortable with and practice have become instinct. I guess you could say I'm pretty far in my "recovery" for that . But that's the thing I don't want to cope anymore. I just want to let go, just fall away. I try so -censored- hard to pretend that desire isn't there anymore and that I'm "changed" but it's there. I keep forgetting that it built a home inside me. And even tho I keep the door shut, is still standing and it always finds a way out; my desire to let go. close my eyes, disappear. I fight it whenever it comes up but -expletive-. I'm starting to wonder why I even fight anymore. I used to ask myself this all the time and it's scaring me that I'm asking myself this again. It really is. I want it all to go away. I don't know why I wrote this here. It's not fair to put this on you guys I just... I can't tell my family they'll think I'm "bad" again. Or unsafe again. I don't want them to worry. -Trevor
  20. Hey guys! I don't know if it's just me but does anybody else feel like they're "faking" their dysphoria or their identity ? I don't know if it's subconscious guilt or the fact that when I first come out my parents told me I didn't have dysphoria but there are moments when I look in the mirror and dislike my chest or my feminine features and I feel like I'm faking it. Like I'm making the dysphoria up in my head or it's not dysphoria at all but just a generalized disliking for myself that is totally separate from my identity. I'm constantly over thinking the way I talk if I sound too feminine etc and I feel like I'm causing myself dysphoria. I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm convincing myself I'm trans. I think my general misunderstanding of dysphoria contributes to this because I only know what other ppl tell me of dyphoria? Idk would one say this is dyphoria? Have any of you guys and gals felt this way? Much love to you beautiful people. -Trevor
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