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Found 9 results

  1. Fox Mccloud

    What am I?

    Hello everyone. I have been exploring transgender for about two years now, and I've found many things that would suggest I may be transgender, such as my preference for playing as female characters in video games, among other things, though I have no signs of dysphoria; I don't dislike being a man, as it's just me. But I have always envied women as well as been attracted to them, so I don't know what I am. I am happy being male, but then, I may find being female to be better suited to me, as there is more room for personal expression as a female, or at least that is what I gather from observation. Does that mean I'm genderfluid, or something else? Or is there even a name for this, or is it just me being an inquisitive cisgender male? Thank you so much for your time and help, as every answer means a lot to me.
  2. Pallas

    Figuring it out

    Hello everyone! I don't know how long this post will be as I start writing this. I want to make sure I get everything important down to create the best whole story of it all, so please bear with me. I'll be writing this as chronilogically as possible. To also further clarify: I am physically a female. When I was very, very young I remember only having one friend (female) for a few years. Gender or sexuality did not matter to me at this time, it wasn't a concept for me then (obviously?). However, I remember when I was about 3 or 4 years old after some sort of gymnastics (I cannot remember the specifics), I tried to pee like a guy. This clearly did not work. I don't recall being scolded or anything, perhaps they thought it was an accident or something. No idea. A few select years later (I was now about 6 years old) and I had moved several times to another country (and other schools). The real first school I recall I made quite a few friends who were boys. Real typical boys; liked to play outside doing roleplaying of small, silly 'war games' like sword fighting and stuff, playing video games, etc. I also could relate more to them than most girls. In fact, I only had a small select few female friends (and I lost contact with my first female friend due to me having moved several times). Overall the most friends were boys and we met very frequently besides school times. It always seemed harder for me to connect to girls or women. So as I was growing up in this period I wanted to be seen as 'one of the guys', but still not necessarily thinking I should change myself physically or anything like that. At this point, gender/sexuality still hadn't really developed for me. I started to know about it, but I didn't care much for it. I am who I am, regardless of gender or sexuality. Couple of years later, going through puberty, I disliked becoming more physically developed as a female. Luckily I don't have 'huge' breasts, but I suppose medium-sized? Still, It's annoying to have them. I have to have a bra, otherwise walking around with them or running (like I loved to do) or even doing martial arts (which I used to do) could actually physically hurt me. I disliked it so much I almost hated it, but not quite. I also got periods, and this was always (and is sometimes) combined with severe bleeding and intense pain. It is severe for about 2 to 3 days, and in taotal can last about a week. It completely knocks me out, which means I cannot properly function for nearly a quarter of every month. This is crazy to me. I got on the pill to regulate it, so it was actually a prescription, which helped a lot for me in my situation (financially). Sidenote: Nowadays I do not take it anymore because it has now become slightly regulated naturally (so I do not need it anymore in that regard) and I would have to pay for it now too due to changes in the law. In this time period I really wanted to be male. I don't think I ever had (intense) gender dysphoria, but I knew I wanted to become a guy and preferredto not be a woman. Still being a teenager/going through puberty and early adulthood, I did not really actively think about it anynore. I recall having spoken about it to my mum at the time, and there was even a reasonably famous 'local' trans man (I hope this is the correct term for a FtM?) who transitioned at around this time, which he did very late in his life. He had written a book about it, which my mum even bought for me (so she is supportive at least in that topic, I have that going for me, which is nice!). I started reading this guy's book and it did strike a chord. Yet I did not continue reading it (and have lost the book since then too :( ), probably due to being way too busy with my school/study to even get to it. Which I now think was a mistake. I should have finished that book straight away. After all that I have just mentioned, I thus entered adulthood having developed my sexuality; I am a pansexual, preference for males, although I have never been in a relationship with females. t did come close twice, though. One even told me she would have loved to date me, as she liked me too, but couldn't at the time. So by the end of the day, I simply really don't know if I'm a pansexual either, and while I have preferences, I so far have focused on if someone's personality wowuld match rather than how they physically look like. Having been in a relationship with a possible MtF (they were still figuring it out themselves, as it turned out), this is why I also think I am pansexual, because I would have stayed with them and loved them even if they would go through with transitioning. Yet my gender has always kind of changed. I suppose I would classify as genderfluid, but leaning to male? So for a long time I felt that my female body is fine, even though I prefer it to be male. If anything, I could always change it. There have been other things that held me back from really thinking of transitioning. Now some of it may be silly, but please bear with me here also: 1) If I do go with full transition, which I would prefer to do then, I don't know what effects the surgery have on me, as when I was a kid I actually had local anesthesia and it took a toll on me for many years (being rather tired and exhausted for a long time). 2) And, pertaining to 1, what kind of bottom-half surgeries are there? I've understood there are different ones. I suppose also each one has pros and cons? I just don't know what they are, and a helpful list would surely help me. I am not sure how to go online for this stuff either, and I don't know what my country or area does, if they don't do one or the other. Will this cause me pain for the rest of my life if I do it? I don't know. 3) Now I don't plan on having (biological) kids, especially not as a female. Yet as a male, for some reason, my mind thinks I do want kids then, biologically speaking. Yet if I would fully transition, I know I would not be a fertile male, which is a bit of a depressing thought to me. This is also something that confuses me; I don't like being a female, let alone a fertile female, but I like the idea of being a fertile male x_x 4) If I transition fully, will my male genitalia be fully functional? Like an actual biological male's one, just not fertile? I guess I am willing to compromise, though. If it is possible to do a full transition, without me having pain after the surgery/surgeries, and the genitalia is 'functional', then I think I would actually heavily consider it. As I'm writing this, I am actually getting happier and happier with the idea of the potential of becoming a physical male. At the same time: I don't know if I like having lower-half male genitalia. I think I would, but then I also want to keep it flat-ish, like it is now basically. Everything flat; male chest, and female bottom part. And thus the confusion sets in once again. Even more recently: I have gone to a convention, where actually quite a large number of people have various sexualities and genders, this is a rather open topic at such a convention as I went to. Some going through transition, others not, and then I also met an androgynous person aand their friends, and we all have been staying in contact since. We all had quite a fun time together. Before I continue, speaking of androgynous; I don't think I really look androgynous, yet having spoken with a friend of mine I have known a few years now (we met online and since then met up at such a convention a few times) said I look androgynous, and I look like a very attractive one at that. So while this is nice to hear, I also don't know what to do with it. I suppose I could be an androgynous male if I do transition? Would that work for someone like me, though? Aaaand then I think back to about 10 years ago, when I was in my final year of middle (or high?) school. I was sitting in a tram going home, and this guy sat next to me. We started talking and (again, I can't remember the specifics) somehow we got to that he thought I was a guy. It made me estatic. I even told him that it made me happy to hear that, and he was very open-minded about it. He said I could pass for a guy or a girl, he just assumed I was a guy, to which I said that was fine and I preferred that. Also, being on other forums and gaming online, people always assumed I was a guy and would be surprised to find out I was female. I would ask why they would think I was a guy, and they would say because of how I would write. Apparently. To continue: So before this convention I have been to recently, I had put aside my thoughts on my gender. Thinking I was just fine as I was (even though if I would be in a relationship and my partner would kind of 'force' me to be female, I would heaviy dislike that, and I also experienced this as a veyr young kid with my biological father who wanted me to wear make-up., which I did not like). I often told others, should the topic or question come up: "I am genderfluid, I don't care what pronouns you use; he, she or even it, whatever you prefer. I don't care." I would prefer to dress as a male. I notice boys/guys often wear a long sleeved t-shirt underneath a short-sleeved t-shirt, so this is what I would often do as casual clothing. Yet whenever I can, I will try to dress up in suit, with it without the jacket. I just really like wearing a blouse+vest and long trousers. I love vests! Especially grey on top of black, or brown on top of sand-like colours. Example: And at this convention I decided to actually bring along a suit and various other more male-ish attire. It kind of suited the theme, so I was happy I could wear my favourite clothes again for a reason this time. I wore it and it felt so nice. And then I met a gay guy. There was this odd click. i never felt it before in my life. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible and talk with him as much as I could. We also hugged when we said goodbye at the end of the convention and it was the best hug I ever have had in my life. There I was again. Back home. Alone with my thoughts. (Still living with my mother, however, but she works now.) I have stayed in contact with various people I met at this conventions, such as this gay guy. I was thinking: What if so many years ago I had decided to figure out if I am transgender? What if I had transitioned by now already into a male? Would he have liked me? He said he likes me already as a person. He also likes female 'proportions' such as hips (which is what I have but hide it usually with the clothing I wear), so if he liked someone with those proportions and they would be a guy, then all the better. I asked what about trans men,, as they would be or become male? He said he never explored that option. So that's not a no. This made me think even more 'what if I had already transitioned?'. I'm not saying anything would have happened, but if I would come across a gay guy (who's fine with a trans man), then I would have a better chance getting with someone like that than as I am physically now. I mentioned this to a different friend, and he asked me: "Would this person like/love you for who you are, or for what you are?" And I feel this is a bit messed up for me. I mean, I don't know. For someone who is gay, I get they want to be with a boyfriend and aren't interested in having a girlfriend. And this gay guy does like me, but I can understand if my female physical body would stop him from being with me, relationshipwise. So I don't blame him for that. To sum the last bit up: I would not change physically because of someone. It is just that he (without him knowing) made me question heavily my gender once again. I just want to finally figure out what I am and if I need to start transitioning. I have also quite a few MtF friends who I spoke to, who are all very supportive and understanding, but I have only one FtM friend, the latter which I feel might be more helpful for someone in my situation as they are going exactly through something I am considering? They are almost done with their full transition and our thoughts have been so far extremely similar. I have also been looking into binders and while I got some good suggestions, I have no idea where or HOW to start. Plus, all this while I am in the long process of moving out (my place needs loads of fixing up to do ^^; ). This comes now with its own issues: 1) It is taking ages to fix my place up due to me and my mum trying to do as much as possible ourselves. She's not the youngest anymore (her own words!) and I have my chronic pain and chronic exhaustion often kicking in. However, I hope to move out this year some time fully, so that can give me more space! 2) The area I moved to is slightly smaller than where I am living right now. I currently live in a big city. No one here would really care. Yet where I am moving to... It's smaller and I already know 'people talk'. While so far they have all been nice and helpful, and not judgemental at all... I am a bit worried now if I do transition, what the town's response would be... I suppose I should go to my GP and get a referral to a psychologist (or psychiatrist?), but I don't know if this is going to cost me or if it falls under insurance. Especially, considering, I do not do self-harm or have any other mental disorders which would need to heavily be addressed. So this might be considered more of a 'luxury' issue than a 'health' issue, if you know what I mean? If anyone has any suggestions or advice, I'd like to hear them. Thank you for your time and reading this long post :) With kind regards.
  3. soyangela

    Hello All

    I've been lurking around and decided to signup. I've gone back and forth on what to share and not to share. At times I can be very personal and not share other times it seems the dam opens up and everything pours out at once. My apologies if I ramble on. I'm a little late to this party. I'm 53 years old and I am a transgender woman. It took my entire life to say those last few words. I didn't even know what those words meant 20-30 years ago. I have worm women's clothes since around 8 years old. Got caught by my mother a few times, was told by my father what a horrible and disgusting thing I was doing. I never stopped until my final purge about 17 years ago. A story for another time. I never knew why I wanted to wear women's clothes. But when I did I felt complete, whole. I hid very well my whole life. I got married had a family. Overall my life was good, it wasn't horrible. Dressing was my out my stress reliever. I always felt better after having some Angela time up until my last purge. After that purge I became angry, drank a lot and overall was not a very nice person. I was in deep denial but I didn't know it. Society culturally every where I looked all I saw was what I was doing was wrong. Last year the need\want to dress started becoming overwhelming. I was moodier and angrier then ever. I decided to get help so I could stop this overwhelming desire to crossdress. I started seeing a therapist last year. After a lot of soul searching and crying I came to accept I am transgender. The feeling of no longer denying who I am was exhilarating. It lasted about a day when I realized what will my family think. What will they say. My doomsday wheel kicked in to high overdrive. The only thing that kept me sane all these years was that I have a wonderful wife and daughter that I love very much. There is nothing I would not do for my family. Accepting myself meant that I would destroy my family. That is how I saw it. I went round and round I would tell them I wouldn't I'd go back into denial. I decided to get through the holidays be with family and friends and make it the best holiday ever. In my mind I would lose everything when I came out. Once this new year started my self imposed deadline was ticking. More stress and anxiety. January 15, 2020 is a night I will never forget. Through a lot of tears I told my wife of 30 years that I am transgender. The first thing my wonderful wife said was that she will support me and we are in this together. It made me so happy to hear that. We've had a lot of conversations these past few weeks. Some good some bad. I check on her everyday to make sure she is doing ok. We have been consistently communicating. She asked one day if she could ask me a question. But had read that there are questions she should never ask a trans person. I told her she can ask me anything she wants. I will hide nothing from her. Her question was what's your real name. I told her I'm Angela. Hugs, Angela
  4. KristiLeigh

    Hello

    Hi, my name is Kristi Leigh. I'm newly out as a transwoman. I have been dressing as a woman for over a year now, but just recently acnowledged to myself that I am MTF transgender and not just a crossdresser. I have been having trouble finding a gender therapist on the central west side of Wisconsin. The clinic I use calls me Kristi like I asked them to, but they don't have the resources to help with being a transwoman. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Anyway, 37 years old and asking for help. I don't know how to get the services I need, and Wisconsin medical pays for all of the process for becoming a woman.
  5. earlyberries2020

    My third week in HRT (mtf)

    Hi everyone. I am a black early 40's transwoman and I've been on HRT for 3 weeks. I am on <dosage removedd> spironolactone and I take <dosage removed> estradiol estrogen patches, worn at ALL times, changing the patch every Tuesday and Friday. I just wanted to share the changes I've noticed. Now, everyBODY, literally, is different. As for myself, I've already notice the blotches on my face have cleared very noticeably, and my face is not as oily. My skin is indeed softer. My face is starting to look more different already, and my booty is a little more plump. For example, I can go to sit on my bed unclothed and I can actually feel my butt touch the sheets before I'm actually sitting. Almost like slightly sinking into a pillow. I feel the beginnings of slight soreness happening in my breast. My areolas are starting to expand a little. I can definitely notice a more softer hand-full feel of my breast. I think it's safe to say my transition won't take more than a full year, from the changes I'm already experiencing in only my third week. I was very nervous when I started and I asked the doctor if they can start me on the lowest estrogen doses and I still see results. A week or 2 before starting HRT, I totally cut out nicotine, red meat, vegetable oil, white bread, eat green veggies with every meal, I exercise vigorously at least 3 times a week for at least 30 minutes and I only drink water. This will help you to transition more smoothly and your body will thank you. No let up. No excuses. Get it done. I'm much happier, healthier and I feel like my body has adjusted to my meds so I don't get as worried about these new meds in my system. Congratulations to all my girls on this site who've already begun this exciting journey and also, congratulations to my girls yet to begin HRT, but are about to or inwardly desire desperately to do so. You can do it! YOUR happiness is the main objective.
  6. My younger child, now 17 has been transgender (female to male) for 4 years now. He's on "T". Now my older child who is 18 and in college just told me they are transgender as well (male to female). They said he is going to start Estrogen. Since he's 18 he does not need any help from us. He's going to start next weekend. He's only been "out" for a week to us, but says he's been living as a female at college for the past few months. (Trying to say "they", but he's still a he to me.) We support them both and say all the right things, but it's really have to deal with in my head. I don't understand it. Anyone else in this boat?
  7. ravennevermore

    New, in every way. And scared.

    Hi everyone, I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”. I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant. After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain. I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc. I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me. The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from. For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look. Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it. The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t. It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world. The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore. I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens. I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3
  8. Okay, so this is my first time ever doing this... I'm just in search of advice and answers to my millions of questions, scratch that, BILLIONS of questions that can't be answered by textbook definitions, and also friends.. I'm 20 years old and I realized lately that my childhood was not as common as I thought. A vey big part of growing up was surrounded by "phases", as my parents would call it, but I only realize now that I may just be different. I learnt that sexual orientation and identity is very different, things that in my home town we had no education what so ever on, and that completely changed my perspective of my own life. I've always struggled with depression and major anxiety, basically because I never liked my own body because I kept thinking I wasn't beautiful or too fat.. my body parts grossed me out and scared me as in a way someone with coulrophobia see's a clown and is scared -clean bathroom- (fun fact, I am terrified of clowns!). Anyways back to the real story, recently I've been through alot of challenging times, a break up with my boyfriend (with whom I loved for 3 years) and I was forced to come out as transgender to my mother and she did not take it well, family is a very important key of my life, and someone might have ruined it for me cause he told her I was hiding something... did i mention by force !...I was not ready what so ever to tell her, heck im not even sure 100% if this is the trail I want to adventure in, but im like at a safe 99,8% sure this is what I need to be completely free and happy. I have a few friends that knows about me, but not much because from where I am from, people like me are judged and classified as inhuman... It breaks my heart to even think of jugement that could involve myself.. Anyways, thats a brief paragraphe of my wonderful life at the moment, and i guess am in search of some comfort and support. Maybe even a few friends that know how I am feeling looking upon my situation. So yah, thanks for listening ! XD
  9. Firstly, I'd like to say hello. I'm an anxious, rather shy person. I've fallen from a distant star into this alien body. Feminine all my life now I'm transitioning as fast as I can. I'm a mature transsexual lady, a late bloomer. I am a client of government funded gender clinic in Melbourne, Australia. I also have gender affirming medical treatment at several other clinics and hospitals. I commenced HRT in August 2017 and had bilateral orchiectomy in August 2018. I'm scheduled for tracheal shave in October 2019. Thanks for allowing me to join Trans Pulse. I hope I can contribute in some way. I'm always looking for more discussion and information related to transgender subjects. I'd like to connect with others in the trans community.
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