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Found 8 results

  1. Pallas

    Figuring it out

    Hello everyone! I don't know how long this post will be as I start writing this. I want to make sure I get everything important down to create the best whole story of it all, so please bear with me. I'll be writing this as chronilogically as possible. To also further clarify: I am physically a female. When I was very, very young I remember only having one friend (female) for a few years. Gender or sexuality did not matter to me at this time, it wasn't a concept for me then (obviously?). However, I remember when I was about 3 or 4 years old after some sort of gymnastics (I cannot remember the specifics), I tried to pee like a guy. This clearly did not work. I don't recall being scolded or anything, perhaps they thought it was an accident or something. No idea. A few select years later (I was now about 6 years old) and I had moved several times to another country (and other schools). The real first school I recall I made quite a few friends who were boys. Real typical boys; liked to play outside doing roleplaying of small, silly 'war games' like sword fighting and stuff, playing video games, etc. I also could relate more to them than most girls. In fact, I only had a small select few female friends (and I lost contact with my first female friend due to me having moved several times). Overall the most friends were boys and we met very frequently besides school times. It always seemed harder for me to connect to girls or women. So as I was growing up in this period I wanted to be seen as 'one of the guys', but still not necessarily thinking I should change myself physically or anything like that. At this point, gender/sexuality still hadn't really developed for me. I started to know about it, but I didn't care much for it. I am who I am, regardless of gender or sexuality. Couple of years later, going through puberty, I disliked becoming more physically developed as a female. Luckily I don't have 'huge' breasts, but I suppose medium-sized? Still, It's annoying to have them. I have to have a bra, otherwise walking around with them or running (like I loved to do) or even doing martial arts (which I used to do) could actually physically hurt me. I disliked it so much I almost hated it, but not quite. I also got periods, and this was always (and is sometimes) combined with severe bleeding and intense pain. It is severe for about 2 to 3 days, and in taotal can last about a week. It completely knocks me out, which means I cannot properly function for nearly a quarter of every month. This is crazy to me. I got on the pill to regulate it, so it was actually a prescription, which helped a lot for me in my situation (financially). Sidenote: Nowadays I do not take it anymore because it has now become slightly regulated naturally (so I do not need it anymore in that regard) and I would have to pay for it now too due to changes in the law. In this time period I really wanted to be male. I don't think I ever had (intense) gender dysphoria, but I knew I wanted to become a guy and preferredto not be a woman. Still being a teenager/going through puberty and early adulthood, I did not really actively think about it anynore. I recall having spoken about it to my mum at the time, and there was even a reasonably famous 'local' trans man (I hope this is the correct term for a FtM?) who transitioned at around this time, which he did very late in his life. He had written a book about it, which my mum even bought for me (so she is supportive at least in that topic, I have that going for me, which is nice!). I started reading this guy's book and it did strike a chord. Yet I did not continue reading it (and have lost the book since then too :( ), probably due to being way too busy with my school/study to even get to it. Which I now think was a mistake. I should have finished that book straight away. After all that I have just mentioned, I thus entered adulthood having developed my sexuality; I am a pansexual, preference for males, although I have never been in a relationship with females. t did come close twice, though. One even told me she would have loved to date me, as she liked me too, but couldn't at the time. So by the end of the day, I simply really don't know if I'm a pansexual either, and while I have preferences, I so far have focused on if someone's personality wowuld match rather than how they physically look like. Having been in a relationship with a possible MtF (they were still figuring it out themselves, as it turned out), this is why I also think I am pansexual, because I would have stayed with them and loved them even if they would go through with transitioning. Yet my gender has always kind of changed. I suppose I would classify as genderfluid, but leaning to male? So for a long time I felt that my female body is fine, even though I prefer it to be male. If anything, I could always change it. There have been other things that held me back from really thinking of transitioning. Now some of it may be silly, but please bear with me here also: 1) If I do go with full transition, which I would prefer to do then, I don't know what effects the surgery have on me, as when I was a kid I actually had local anesthesia and it took a toll on me for many years (being rather tired and exhausted for a long time). 2) And, pertaining to 1, what kind of bottom-half surgeries are there? I've understood there are different ones. I suppose also each one has pros and cons? I just don't know what they are, and a helpful list would surely help me. I am not sure how to go online for this stuff either, and I don't know what my country or area does, if they don't do one or the other. Will this cause me pain for the rest of my life if I do it? I don't know. 3) Now I don't plan on having (biological) kids, especially not as a female. Yet as a male, for some reason, my mind thinks I do want kids then, biologically speaking. Yet if I would fully transition, I know I would not be a fertile male, which is a bit of a depressing thought to me. This is also something that confuses me; I don't like being a female, let alone a fertile female, but I like the idea of being a fertile male x_x 4) If I transition fully, will my male genitalia be fully functional? Like an actual biological male's one, just not fertile? I guess I am willing to compromise, though. If it is possible to do a full transition, without me having pain after the surgery/surgeries, and the genitalia is 'functional', then I think I would actually heavily consider it. As I'm writing this, I am actually getting happier and happier with the idea of the potential of becoming a physical male. At the same time: I don't know if I like having lower-half male genitalia. I think I would, but then I also want to keep it flat-ish, like it is now basically. Everything flat; male chest, and female bottom part. And thus the confusion sets in once again. Even more recently: I have gone to a convention, where actually quite a large number of people have various sexualities and genders, this is a rather open topic at such a convention as I went to. Some going through transition, others not, and then I also met an androgynous person aand their friends, and we all have been staying in contact since. We all had quite a fun time together. Before I continue, speaking of androgynous; I don't think I really look androgynous, yet having spoken with a friend of mine I have known a few years now (we met online and since then met up at such a convention a few times) said I look androgynous, and I look like a very attractive one at that. So while this is nice to hear, I also don't know what to do with it. I suppose I could be an androgynous male if I do transition? Would that work for someone like me, though? Aaaand then I think back to about 10 years ago, when I was in my final year of middle (or high?) school. I was sitting in a tram going home, and this guy sat next to me. We started talking and (again, I can't remember the specifics) somehow we got to that he thought I was a guy. It made me estatic. I even told him that it made me happy to hear that, and he was very open-minded about it. He said I could pass for a guy or a girl, he just assumed I was a guy, to which I said that was fine and I preferred that. Also, being on other forums and gaming online, people always assumed I was a guy and would be surprised to find out I was female. I would ask why they would think I was a guy, and they would say because of how I would write. Apparently. To continue: So before this convention I have been to recently, I had put aside my thoughts on my gender. Thinking I was just fine as I was (even though if I would be in a relationship and my partner would kind of 'force' me to be female, I would heaviy dislike that, and I also experienced this as a veyr young kid with my biological father who wanted me to wear make-up., which I did not like). I often told others, should the topic or question come up: "I am genderfluid, I don't care what pronouns you use; he, she or even it, whatever you prefer. I don't care." I would prefer to dress as a male. I notice boys/guys often wear a long sleeved t-shirt underneath a short-sleeved t-shirt, so this is what I would often do as casual clothing. Yet whenever I can, I will try to dress up in suit, with it without the jacket. I just really like wearing a blouse+vest and long trousers. I love vests! Especially grey on top of black, or brown on top of sand-like colours. Example: And at this convention I decided to actually bring along a suit and various other more male-ish attire. It kind of suited the theme, so I was happy I could wear my favourite clothes again for a reason this time. I wore it and it felt so nice. And then I met a gay guy. There was this odd click. i never felt it before in my life. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible and talk with him as much as I could. We also hugged when we said goodbye at the end of the convention and it was the best hug I ever have had in my life. There I was again. Back home. Alone with my thoughts. (Still living with my mother, however, but she works now.) I have stayed in contact with various people I met at this conventions, such as this gay guy. I was thinking: What if so many years ago I had decided to figure out if I am transgender? What if I had transitioned by now already into a male? Would he have liked me? He said he likes me already as a person. He also likes female 'proportions' such as hips (which is what I have but hide it usually with the clothing I wear), so if he liked someone with those proportions and they would be a guy, then all the better. I asked what about trans men,, as they would be or become male? He said he never explored that option. So that's not a no. This made me think even more 'what if I had already transitioned?'. I'm not saying anything would have happened, but if I would come across a gay guy (who's fine with a trans man), then I would have a better chance getting with someone like that than as I am physically now. I mentioned this to a different friend, and he asked me: "Would this person like/love you for who you are, or for what you are?" And I feel this is a bit messed up for me. I mean, I don't know. For someone who is gay, I get they want to be with a boyfriend and aren't interested in having a girlfriend. And this gay guy does like me, but I can understand if my female physical body would stop him from being with me, relationshipwise. So I don't blame him for that. To sum the last bit up: I would not change physically because of someone. It is just that he (without him knowing) made me question heavily my gender once again. I just want to finally figure out what I am and if I need to start transitioning. I have also quite a few MtF friends who I spoke to, who are all very supportive and understanding, but I have only one FtM friend, the latter which I feel might be more helpful for someone in my situation as they are going exactly through something I am considering? They are almost done with their full transition and our thoughts have been so far extremely similar. I have also been looking into binders and while I got some good suggestions, I have no idea where or HOW to start. Plus, all this while I am in the long process of moving out (my place needs loads of fixing up to do ^^; ). This comes now with its own issues: 1) It is taking ages to fix my place up due to me and my mum trying to do as much as possible ourselves. She's not the youngest anymore (her own words!) and I have my chronic pain and chronic exhaustion often kicking in. However, I hope to move out this year some time fully, so that can give me more space! 2) The area I moved to is slightly smaller than where I am living right now. I currently live in a big city. No one here would really care. Yet where I am moving to... It's smaller and I already know 'people talk'. While so far they have all been nice and helpful, and not judgemental at all... I am a bit worried now if I do transition, what the town's response would be... I suppose I should go to my GP and get a referral to a psychologist (or psychiatrist?), but I don't know if this is going to cost me or if it falls under insurance. Especially, considering, I do not do self-harm or have any other mental disorders which would need to heavily be addressed. So this might be considered more of a 'luxury' issue than a 'health' issue, if you know what I mean? If anyone has any suggestions or advice, I'd like to hear them. Thank you for your time and reading this long post :) With kind regards.
  2. LaylaBarbz

    Coming out to my Turkish muslim mom

    Lately I've really wanted to come out to my family and especially first to my mom as a transgirl. But as you might read in the title, there's one problem..... My whole family is Turkish and muslim, they never would accept me being trans. I can't even think about what would happen if I come out... I wrote a coming out letter, I don't know when or how I'm going to give it to her. What would the best advice be?... :(
  3. Hi everybody i need some advice i am out of work i am in the uk and have to attend a government unemployment service called the DWP also known as jobcentre plus i present female 100% of the time and live as a female 100% of the time i have left my male life behind me only thing i haven't changed is my name but i will be doing that when i get to the gender clinic and start my medical transition should i write them a letter explaining it that i want to be recognised as a transgender female ???
  4. ThePineapple1

    How I found Out I Am Transgender

    So, I never really felt like a girl, more like a tomboy from a very young age. I didn't think much into it. A few years ago, I finally found out what transgender means (along with the other terms like non-binary and cisgender). That's when I started to question my gender. One of my good friends has also recently started their transition from female to male so we are helping each other through it. I never liked dresses or skirts, which is fine. I wear dark colours all the time and I promised myself that I would never wear make-up. I thought the make-up was because I wanted to stay true to my complexion and identity, little did I know, it was. Last year, I made the decision to cut all of my hair off and get a pixie cut style. Never had I felt more free. I felt like something had been holding me back and I could finally start to walk. I felt like I was in charge of my own life. This year, with the quarantine, I have been able to think so much more about my sexuality and my identity. I went out of my way and watched some videos o transgender people explaining what they went through. Yesterday, I bought my first binder and I was so excited. On my walk though today with my mum (we live in a rural location with lots of fields to walk through), I decided to say how I had been feeling, that I had bought a binder. I didn't want her to think I didn't trust her because if she saw my binder without me telling her then I though that it would break her heart. So I said that I think I'm transgender. And she accepted me. My whole family accepted me, my friends accepted me today. And after finally realising what I had said, that I think I'm transgender, my heart felt like it was dancing. I cried with earful joys for a bit and I felt so at peace with the world. However, my mum constantly makes slight remarks about men (which really frustrates me) and we were looking at some material that my mum bought to sew clothes with and she asked what material I liked, I said that I liked all the plain ones and a colourful one. One of the plain colours were hot pink and my sister and mum instantly said, "Isn't that a bit girly?" And my heart dropped. Men can like pink. But they didn't seem to realise this. So I replied with, "Men can like any colour the want to like. Just as I can like the look of this pink for a hoodie." They instantly shut up and now I'm just grinning, thinking about the fact that I shut them up for even a second. Anyway, story short, I'm 90% sure I'm transgender, can't wait for my binder's to come and can't wait to start the process of transitioning after I get some gender therapy! If anyone needs any help with support or with any queries they have (about themselves or myself) then please feel free to comment or talk to me in private and confront me about anything you're going through. I'm a pretty positive person and I have been told in the past that I would be an amazing therapist (because I'm apparently great with words) and will be here for anyone who needs it. You're all amazing, whether you're female, male, or non-binary.
  5. Fox Mccloud

    What am I?

    Hello everyone. I have been exploring transgender for about two years now, and I've found many things that would suggest I may be transgender, such as my preference for playing as female characters in video games, among other things, though I have no signs of dysphoria; I don't dislike being a man, as it's just me. But I have always envied women as well as been attracted to them, so I don't know what I am. I am happy being male, but then, I may find being female to be better suited to me, as there is more room for personal expression as a female, or at least that is what I gather from observation. Does that mean I'm genderfluid, or something else? Or is there even a name for this, or is it just me being an inquisitive cisgender male? Thank you so much for your time and help, as every answer means a lot to me.
  6. soyangela

    Hello All

    I've been lurking around and decided to signup. I've gone back and forth on what to share and not to share. At times I can be very personal and not share other times it seems the dam opens up and everything pours out at once. My apologies if I ramble on. I'm a little late to this party. I'm 53 years old and I am a transgender woman. It took my entire life to say those last few words. I didn't even know what those words meant 20-30 years ago. I have worm women's clothes since around 8 years old. Got caught by my mother a few times, was told by my father what a horrible and disgusting thing I was doing. I never stopped until my final purge about 17 years ago. A story for another time. I never knew why I wanted to wear women's clothes. But when I did I felt complete, whole. I hid very well my whole life. I got married had a family. Overall my life was good, it wasn't horrible. Dressing was my out my stress reliever. I always felt better after having some Angela time up until my last purge. After that purge I became angry, drank a lot and overall was not a very nice person. I was in deep denial but I didn't know it. Society culturally every where I looked all I saw was what I was doing was wrong. Last year the need\want to dress started becoming overwhelming. I was moodier and angrier then ever. I decided to get help so I could stop this overwhelming desire to crossdress. I started seeing a therapist last year. After a lot of soul searching and crying I came to accept I am transgender. The feeling of no longer denying who I am was exhilarating. It lasted about a day when I realized what will my family think. What will they say. My doomsday wheel kicked in to high overdrive. The only thing that kept me sane all these years was that I have a wonderful wife and daughter that I love very much. There is nothing I would not do for my family. Accepting myself meant that I would destroy my family. That is how I saw it. I went round and round I would tell them I wouldn't I'd go back into denial. I decided to get through the holidays be with family and friends and make it the best holiday ever. In my mind I would lose everything when I came out. Once this new year started my self imposed deadline was ticking. More stress and anxiety. January 15, 2020 is a night I will never forget. Through a lot of tears I told my wife of 30 years that I am transgender. The first thing my wonderful wife said was that she will support me and we are in this together. It made me so happy to hear that. We've had a lot of conversations these past few weeks. Some good some bad. I check on her everyday to make sure she is doing ok. We have been consistently communicating. She asked one day if she could ask me a question. But had read that there are questions she should never ask a trans person. I told her she can ask me anything she wants. I will hide nothing from her. Her question was what's your real name. I told her I'm Angela. Hugs, Angela
  7. KristiLeigh


    Hi, my name is Kristi Leigh. I'm newly out as a transwoman. I have been dressing as a woman for over a year now, but just recently acnowledged to myself that I am MTF transgender and not just a crossdresser. I have been having trouble finding a gender therapist on the central west side of Wisconsin. The clinic I use calls me Kristi like I asked them to, but they don't have the resources to help with being a transwoman. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Anyway, 37 years old and asking for help. I don't know how to get the services I need, and Wisconsin medical pays for all of the process for becoming a woman.
  8. earlyberries2020

    My third week in HRT (mtf)

    Hi everyone. I am a black early 40's transwoman and I've been on HRT for 3 weeks. I am on <dosage removedd> spironolactone and I take <dosage removed> estradiol estrogen patches, worn at ALL times, changing the patch every Tuesday and Friday. I just wanted to share the changes I've noticed. Now, everyBODY, literally, is different. As for myself, I've already notice the blotches on my face have cleared very noticeably, and my face is not as oily. My skin is indeed softer. My face is starting to look more different already, and my booty is a little more plump. For example, I can go to sit on my bed unclothed and I can actually feel my butt touch the sheets before I'm actually sitting. Almost like slightly sinking into a pillow. I feel the beginnings of slight soreness happening in my breast. My areolas are starting to expand a little. I can definitely notice a more softer hand-full feel of my breast. I think it's safe to say my transition won't take more than a full year, from the changes I'm already experiencing in only my third week. I was very nervous when I started and I asked the doctor if they can start me on the lowest estrogen doses and I still see results. A week or 2 before starting HRT, I totally cut out nicotine, red meat, vegetable oil, white bread, eat green veggies with every meal, I exercise vigorously at least 3 times a week for at least 30 minutes and I only drink water. This will help you to transition more smoothly and your body will thank you. No let up. No excuses. Get it done. I'm much happier, healthier and I feel like my body has adjusted to my meds so I don't get as worried about these new meds in my system. Congratulations to all my girls on this site who've already begun this exciting journey and also, congratulations to my girls yet to begin HRT, but are about to or inwardly desire desperately to do so. You can do it! YOUR happiness is the main objective.
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