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  1. My name was Matthew, I used to drink a lot and almost always a blackout drunk.You see, I was trying to kill myself and had been since I was quite young. But death from alcohol isn't the quick fix I thought it would be. I knew something was not quite right about me from a young age. I had this compulsion to cross dress, not makeup just lingerie. And I seemed to be attracted to men,,sexually. But I was also attracted to women,,sexually. I just found it easier to talk to men. Women scared the bejeezus out of me. Oh my they turned me on immensely but I was very self conscious and felt inadequate. I was the youngest of 3 boys, a redhead, skinny and I stuttered. My father had a full time job but was also a part time bartender so our basement was chock full of boxes of booze. The Mother lode!. I started drinking when I was about 13. I wasn't cross dressing at this age. I didn't start until I was about 17. I was like a secret agent in my cross dressing. It was like a game even though it was such a strong compulsion I was always devising ways I could safely do this without anyone,,ANYONE finding out. I was a virgin until around age 25. My first sexual encounter was with a man at a hotel in Toronto Canada. Of course I was drunk for this, how else could I gather enough courage to actually go through with it. It wasn't very good. But I just knew it was right for me and I also worse lingerie under my boy clothes. I couldn't seem to get aroused unless i was wearing women's lingerie. The idea of man on man sex repulsed and still does to this day. But if I was wearing lingerie it was the most normal thing in my life. So, I spent the next 20 years drinking like a madman losing friends and jobs. Damn near losing my mind and my life a few times. I got beaten up a lot too. I was still secretly cross dressing but held a carpentry job. I was very masculine and acted macho to fit in. When I was 45 I hit my bottom. I realised I wasn't going to kill myself by drinking any time soon. I had lost my job and was practically destitute. I went to AA for a year or so and then I had an epiphany. I realised that in order to remain sober i had to let Mattie out of her prison. I spent the next 3 years getting myself to a place where I could safely transition. I had to relocate. By the time I was 48 I began my epic journey as I like to call it. I found a psychologist specializing in transgenderism and within 30 days began hormone replacement therapy and began living female. I was still drinking on and off but I wasn't trying to drink myself to death anymore. It was tough going the next 2 years, but I found a transgender support group in my area and I went every week for 2 years. In 2012 , 2 years after my initial transition, I underwent gender reassignment surgery at the Brassard Clinic in Montreal Canada and all to a smashing success. In 2013 I had my upper surgeries both breast implants and a nose job. Now here's the thing. Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch. I have had a few beers here and there but I haven't been seriously pissed to the gills since. I don't want to die anymore in fact I want to live forever as the beautiful woman I've blossomed into. I hope that maybe some of you can relate to my story and if it helps even just one person then this post has been worthwhile. Love, Light & Liberation brothers and sisters!
  2. i’ve known for years that i’m not a girl. i went from identifying as gender fluid to just calling myself nonbinary. i keep saying i’m fine with usually being misgendered because i tend to present a bit more feminine & i know people don’t see anything else when they look at me unless they know the truth. but i’m really tired of it... it makes me uncomfortable to have boobs (even uncomfortable to talk about the fact that i have them lol) and it makes me uncomfortable to be called a girl, to be referred to as ‘she.’ in the last six or seven months, i’ve been wrestling with the idea of maybe i’m a boy. i feel closer to that than to being a girl, and sometimes i think ‘i wish i had just been born a boy’ because then i wouldn’t have to worry about it. i could just be a boy. and i feel like that’s very telling, but i also feel like i don’t really fit on the binary in that way. and i keep saying i can be whatever kind of boy i want, i don’t have to conform to the standard masculinity and i don’t even have to change my pronouns. i guess what i want to ask is if there’s anyone else afab who has at least partially transitioned (top surgery, hormones, whatever) but doesn’t identify as a man? if anyone retains some sort of nonbinary identity while also taking the steps to transition physically? i feel like this might be where i’m at and maybe what i want but hearing someone else’s story if it’s the same/similar would help validate my own feelings and maybe it will help me be closer to knowing who i want to be i guess
  3. Hi guys, I'm 17 yo and have been living confortably with my identity since I came out to my friends and mother (even though she rejects me), but I'm finally planning on living with my older brother (who I'm still not prepared to come out yet, but has showed signals that he already knows and supports me) and start working as a comic artist next year. Which means I'm starting to think about taking part in contests, winning the most I can and saving money for my chest surgery (which is the most urgent, since it has grown quite a bit these past years and have been a real problem for me to pass normally), at least until I can try a japanese government scholarship. I really want to do it before going to college, since I don't know how things will be for me as a trans person in a scholarship of a kinda strict country such as Japan. But, now that I realized how close it is, I'm starting to feel scared. My father used to abuse physically of my mother when I was really tiny, and I watched everything, until he stopped (even though I don't remember a thing). I think that's the reason why I was always hugely scared of getting hurt, violence, fights, arguements, etc. I really hate pain and fights. I'm starting to get over it, letting myself feel pain more frequently without thinking of it as death, but it's still really hard for me. Anyways, I realized that I think the most about how it'll hurt. I wanted to ask to my therapist about it, but he doesn't listen to me properly and will probably say non sense stuff, as always. And I really don't want to argue with him again. I'm also really worried that I might regret it later. My mother is always saying about how I will regret everything. And I'm not a really secure person, I rarely trust my own judgement. So, it's not rare to fear that I'll regret a decision. I'm also trying to imagine how it'll be once I get the chest surgery, if I could feel comfortable even during sex, but it's been difficult even to imagine it. I had lots of awful experiences as a transgender and I think it might influence that. Plus, I already tried imagining myself as a girl, being treated as a "she", but it really freaks me out. I really hate it. I think I might just not be prepared, but I don't know, as I said, I don't trust my own judgement. I'm scared in the end my mother was right and I'm not really trans. Or that I will regret everything. Idk. Thanks for reading.
  4. Hello! Im 29 and ive been on T injections for a little over a year now, pre-surgery top and bottom. But the only effects i notice are: lower, but not completely male (more like a teen) voice, a lil bit more hair (but since ive always had hairy arms and legs the difference is really small) and gaining some weight. should i be concerned? anyone with the same problem? my doc has told me im the only one among her other pre-surgery ftms who has such a problem, which makes me a bit downhearted. what might be the cause?.. its not that im trying to rush things but, you know. at least i wanna know if itll stay like this forever or will eventually get better, hah.
  5. Hey all! I'll be joining the Navy for 4 years this summer to pay for my college, though I'm... less than ecstatic about the thought of being completely closeted until I'm 24. I would really like to get on HRT when I can but my future as a whole is important enough to make that sacrifice obviously. However, I would love some insight on if medically transitioning while enlisted in active duty is possible. I'll probably be at sea often, but I've heard of people beginning HRT with around a year of their enlistment remaining? Any advice would be much appreciated! Thank you ❤️
  6. RithiaAllen

    Transition Timeline

    @Kirsten I know that you are feeling down about where you are so I figured I would share my timeline so you can see how the changes snow ball over time. If it makes you feel better I'll share with you a visual time line. As you can see there are months and months of awkwardness and eventually it just rapid fire happens. 4 months 5 months 6 Months 7 Months 8 Months 9 Months 10 Months 10 Months 2 weeks 11 Months 12 Months 13 months
  7. I'm wondering if anyone has experience with a long break in the transition process. I started in 94, on high hormones and [dose removed] of Spirono, lived for 13 years as female, worked as outside sales rep, and had good life. then my mom got sick and passed away at 95...I cared for her 8 years, and sort of gave up all personal stuff, including hormones...I wore baggy clothes and just worked as a caregiver which took all my time. She passed in 2018, and I left Vancouver, all the temptations for opiates, then drove/moved across Canada to clear head. I didn't bother with any feminine clothes/clues, but left as is...I'd been secluded, so watched reactions from every province, and was called Miss, dear, love...all that...so much for my butch appearance...I'd thought I reverted to who I once was, but only in my head. After 5,000 miles, I made it from Vancouver to Saint John...a very small town. that started a lot of confusion...people thought I was a female to male TS, or just female. A girl put make up on, and I never looked back. After a long time on hormones/electrolysis, I didn't need much to pass, but am back on hormones, and want to take Spiro, but at a reduced dose...getting older, and there are many side effects as it is a diuretic as well as an anti-androgen. I'm hoping [dose removed], twice a day should be enough, but I also wonder when is the point where you don't need it? There are few TS here, and little pro support...especially compared to the Gender Dysphoria Clinic and Dr. Watson that cared for me in Vancouver. Has anyone been through something similar, or got to the point where surgery or drugs have killed the male and there's only female left? They tested blood, and found very low testo level. With just a minimum of effort, I'm well accepted here, and there's no questions about gender now that I make some effort to dress female. This is lousy pic, but me after hair grew a bit... and that ten year or so break from everything. I also had really short hair, but it didn't seem to matter. I've been on hormones almost 2 months, so they haven't done anything. When does this end, or do we need hormones forever, including the spiro? Just curious if anyone has an opinion, experience and not a full medical answer...please? Thanks, Danae
  8. KimberleeBee

    Hi! I'm new to this site.

    Hello. My name I go by is Kimberlee or Kim but not legally yet. I hope to get it changed in the new year. I've been on hrt for 2.5 years. I love dressing girly but it's not practical in my line of work so I just settle for a pink hard hat and pink safety vest. I dress fem on weekends or if I have to go out on a weekday evening. I thought it was going to be rough being a transgendered woman in a male dominated trade but I am accepted and treated very well. (At least to my face) I wish I was able to transition way earlier in my life but better late than never 😁
  9. Hey, I’m a trans guy who started a new year in high school this September. However I go to a coed Catholic high school, which is quite difficult. At the beginning of the summer, my mother and I met with the school’s head of guidance to work out some things about my transition. While there, I asked pretty basic questions regarding my transition (bathroom/locker room situation, name/pronoun changes, and P.E. and sports questions). I also live in an area that doesn’t discriminate against transgender students regarding the law. The answer to changing my name and pronouns was that I could not go by male pronouns for “legal reasons”, but my preferred name could be listed as a nickname in parentheses on the rosters and attendance sheets and would be used at each of my teacher’s discretion. I personally refused to use the girl’s facilities so I have to go to the guidance wing or a secluded, neutral, single stall bathroom if I need to use the restroom or to change for P.E. It’s not the most convenient place, since both the guidance wing and the secluded bathroom are within 20 feet of one another and all the way on the other side of the school building than the class I have prior to P.E. It also doesn’t help that after I sprint across the school, get changed, and sprint to the gym all within five minutes, the gym doors are always locked so I have to wait until someone realizes I’m missing from the class to let me in. The kids are usually jerks about it and like to quickly open the door and shut it before I can get in. P.E. is coed, which is quite a relief for me. However, sports isn’t an option. As a kid who played basketball for six years, I’m feeling quite left out when it comes to sports. I’m unable to join any of the guys teams, unless it’s like football where there aren’t enough girls to make up a girl’s team. Even so, I’d be unable to change in locker rooms at away games and could be forced to use the girl’s locker room. I’m able to join any girl’s sports team as my mother suggests because she thinks I’m afraid of what people will think. She doesn’t understand that it’s not that I’m afraid of what people will think, but that I feel genuinely uncomfortable playing for a girl’s team. My last year of playing basketball, I would break down after every game because I hated being on a girl’s team. I wouldn’t quit because after being in the program for so long, my mom had made some really good friends and I didn’t want to ruin that for her (even though she probably wouldn’t believe me if I told her that). All of my friends who never practiced a sport in their life are now trying out and on teams. I have three friends who have never played sports join track and another join volleyball. My brother (who goes to a public school) is even playing lacrosse in the spring, something I was really looking forward to and brought up with guidance but was shut down. Competition with my brother is another story, but I’m more focused on my own problems. Anyway, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so unable to do anything about this. Because I live in a place where trans public school kids can play on teams correlating to just their identity, I could play for the town lacrosse team, but I don’t go to school with any of them and in my town, if you don’t go to the town school, the kids hate you. Also, with the whole situation of Trump trying to erase us trans people out of America, I doubt the laws will stay in tact long enough for me to even fight my school on this issue on the locker rooms and lacrosse situation. These problems have made me feel so isolated and helpless that oncoming anxiety attacks and breakdowns are a daily occurrence for me. Anyone out there who is going through anything similar or can at least give me some ideas as to how I can cope with or fix my issues, that’d be amazing. I just need anyone to help me feel like I’m not so helpless. Not so alone.
  10. Hey guys! so I'm going to be 18 soon and I'm sure all of you can understand the desire to get on hormones as fast as possible. I won't have insurance and I want to apply for medicaid. does this cover hrt? could I be able to get on testosterone with it? If not, what parts of transition would it cover. Thank you so so much for anyone that responds. I wouldn't be where I am today without you guys. Fr.
  11. Hey guys, so I told my parents in August and it didn't go very well. The first thing my mom says is, "your not a boy, you just don't want to be a -lesbian-." And my dad said, " If I were to live my life as trans I would go away to do it..why would you do it here? " And from there it's gotten worse and worse from my mom. And that's the thing deep down I know she's not transphobic 100% she just doesn't want me to be. she tells me all these things but I can tell she's saying them more for herself than me. Things like "you're a girl" randomly through out the day. And even awful things such as, "you'll never find love. Nobody wants that. .. Just stay a girl. It will make your life easier." And I don't want to believe her but I haven't seen a lot of media representations of trans in relationships bc I'm kid and that's been a fear from the beginning, I just need hope.. BESIDES the fact that it's starting to hurt. When I first came out, their reactions shocked me bc I didn't think they were going to act like that. I spent a couple of days crying and moved on to say -expletive- you to it all bc I know my mom is just scared bc she'll have days where she caves and calls me he and even if it's for a minute, it means something to me. But...it's getting harder to ignore it; the words, the wrong pronouns, different name.. Does anyone have advice? Thank you guys I don't trigger anyone.
  12. Hey friends, I'm relatively at the beginning of my transition and I'm moving to Michigan in less than 6 months. I was born in California and have lived here my whole life and am apprehensive about trans life in Michigan only because it's obviously more open in California (I mean come on im an hour and a half drive to LA) I just want to make bigger steps in my transition when I move and I just want to know if there is anyone I can private message who has transitioned in Michigan? I really really could use this help. Thank you! -Trevor
  13. Hey so I'm pretty sure I would consider myself gender queer but I definitely fall towards ftm more.. Idk my gender expression and my gender identity are not aligned and it confuses me. I'm pretty sure I would still like to start HRT regardless..is this okay? have any of u still medically transitioned? Idk I don't feel like my dsyphoria is that bad to start HRT. And as bad as this soinds , I wish for more dsyphoria just so I could have an "excuse" to transition (which I've come to find is a form of dysphoria in itself I think) but i just I don't know.. a m i valid? Have any of u experienced this?
  14. mochi90

    Will I Be Able To?

    I think I may be in a situation that is unique to some of you because I techinically live in a mental health facility. Right now, I live in a supervised apartment for the mentally ill, but by the end of the month I will be transferred to a group home for the mentally ill. This is because I struggle with borderline personality disorder, among other illnesses. Part of being borderline means suffering from brief psychotic episodes during periods of severe stress. That is why I going back to a group home. I am really afraid that once I get there, the staff will not acknowledge my true name or pronouns. But more importantly, I am afraid that I will be kept from attending LGBT therapy and will not be allowed to transition. I understand that I may have to wait longer than others to transition in order for the doctors to ensure I am mentally stable enough. Honestly, though, I just want to know that it is possible. I can't keep living like this anymore, pretending to be someone else. I need to feel like the real me.
  15. Hello 😊 My partner recently told me he was a woman and has decided to transition - we are currently not in an area where she feels comfortable to go full time so we are in the process of moving. We have decided to move into two seperate households to make things easier on us, as we also have a 5yr old daughter. Well my partner decided this as, I was rather reserved and unsure on him transitioning. He has taken things into his own hands and is doing it and I respect him for that. My fears are always going to be there, until the end and they can be answered I appreciate that and understand that he is doing this so that they can feel completely happy. She has always been very doubtful of whether or not to do it because I am very unsure on whether the relationship will survive and I believe that he is worried about it also. I'm not attracted to woman, in all honestly I try and avoid them as much as possible. They intimidate me and I haven't really met one woman that I've connected with or has actually liked me 😖 I'm such a loner tbh. I am also very odd when it comes to sudden changes. E.G - my other half used to have to give me three days warning before shaving his face otherwise I have a little melt down, can't use the shower in a new house unless they do first, hair cuts, anything sudden and drastic just freaks me out. She knows this and while I do my best to not freak out when she looks pretty, or like last night - cut herself a fringe in. I complement her and I'm being honest - she does look fantastic. - I feel very awkward and the fears just scream out. I'm not really sure what the point in this post is .. or whether there is an underlying question. I feel awful - like this morning we were getting "sexy" .. and I'd just woke up, (morning sex is great usually). She had on a bra, nice panties and some leggings and a top .. looked sexy if I'm honest. Looked down at myself and ive always had the worst body confidence .. like I despise myself and that's down to years old verbal abuse by family etc. It instantly put me off sex and she thought it was cause of her and no matter how many times I tell her she don't believe me.. I feel terrible for having my own issues when I know that she'd kill to have my body - she's told me plenty of times. That doesn't mean that when I look in the mirror I don't despise it. We do try and communicate as much as possible, which is something that I find very hard anyway as I'm a very closed off person but I understand that relationships don't survive like that. I struggle with his hatered for her body, that doesn't match. I never know what to say or how to make her feel better. She isn't on hormones or anything atm due to our local health cares hoops we have to jump through first. Thank you for this place to rant.
  16. thatpeep

    changing my name

    I've had an ideal name that I've wanted to use for ages now but now that I've moved to uni someone in my class has the same name Do you think it will be weird? Should I try and find another name? Has anyone got any advice??
  17. Lisa inside

    Too late to change

    Hi everyone, I am a long time crossdressèr who lives alone after a 30 year failed marriage. I am medically retired and also too old to start hormone therapy so crossdressing and make up is the only way I can be the woman I was meant to be. Living in Ireland was a difficult situation for someone with thoughts of having a sex change. Even condoms were illegal until the 70s. I threw myself into marriage and had five wonderful children who are now aware of my situation. My ex wife was a tyrant and it saved my life when I separated from her. As I live alone I dress up each day as soon as I come home. It changes my attitude immediately and I honestly become a woman for 80% of my life now. I'd love to chat with people here about all things and look forward to hearing from you all. The picture I uploaded is me in the office with light makeup and lippy.
  18. Hey, Last time i posted here I think I was still questioning and unsure... after a few therapy sessions with my school therapist, they've helped me realized that my only fear continuing on is the fact of what others might think, and that I really shouldn't be afraid, and if some friends do think differently of me then they probably aren't real friends. I've started voice training at a Voice Therapy place, and I'll be going to the Mazzoni center next week to set up appointments to start hrt. Im both excited and nervous but the entire thing that I have experienced up to this point has made me nothing but happy and I am both excited and nervous about hrt. -J
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