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This probably sounds selfish, but sometimes I wish my family would just disown me. They don’t understand the transgender community and haven’t even tried to understand. Even though they still talk to me and aren’t hate filled people, I just don’t feel a connection with them and feel so isolated. Our relationships weren’t completely destroyed after I came out, but our relationships still don’t seem the same. After I came out, my mom said she would love me and support me no matter what, but a couple of day later, I got up just to hear her yelling at me (for a few different reasons) and explaining to me how I’m not transgender and can never be a boy because of things that she wouldn’t understand the reasoning to. In that moment, I was standing there crying and having a panic attack, and it was worse knowing that she has gone experienced multiple panic attacks before that moment. That is a feeling I will never be able to forget. A few months later, I tried coming out again and explaining my feelings; I got the same words in a calm message version. I was just being influenced by my friends and the rest of society and will never be a real boy. She said we might need to start going to church. My dad wasn’t that bad. I never got any of the yelling that my mom gave me, I still got the “I’ll love you no matter what,” but I also got told that I’ll always be his princess and I’m not a boy to him. My dad doesn’t seem to want to even build a good relationship with me. A few years ago, he got into an accident from drunk driving. He said he was going to change his priorities, but I didn’t seem to be a priority. I rarely see him; He seems so focused on dating and work. I understand that those are important things, but it hurts when I feel much lower on his list. He’s has a lot to do at work, and I understand that, but I don’t understand other things. He’s willing to text other people both inside and outside of work, but most of the texts I receive have to do with upcoming events or holidays or a school announcement and rarely just a text to have a conversation since we don’t get to spend mucvh time together. He’s willing to invite other people to his house after work, but he’s too tired after work to see me. I don’t see why I care about being at his house; it’s usually him sleeping while I go into the other room and play piano. Last year, including holidays and birthdays, I saw him about 9 or 10 time. There were some times my mom had to beg him to take me to/pick me up from school, but a ride in the car isn’t really spending time together. So far this year, I’ve spent time with him 5 times this year. My nana had the worsts reaction when I came out. She told me that I needed to start reading the Bible and going to church. She told me that my mom should have made the choice of home schooling me and that I shouldn’t have the friends that I do. She flat out told me that my friends are dumbing me down. That God made me so smart and I’ve decided to let others turn me into an idiot. I hear her talking about how stupid my community as well as others are terrible. I’ve even heard heard her talking about it with my mom multiple time. One time they were talking about the trans community and how they have a mental illness and need to just accepts themselves. I can’t remember the exact words of my nana’s rant, but my mom was speaking about how she thought she was a boy as a kid because of her big hands. That’s when I realized that neither of them understood. My nana was also saying something about medical professionals and “transgenderism” one time, and has just had rants about thins she seen on the news more times than I can’t count. She did it once just last week. The rest of my family hasn’t heard anything about this, but that just makes this feeling worse. It’s either the strong relationships or the weak ones that boosts this thought. I have a happy and strong relationship ship with my grandfather and step-grandmother, and I don’t want to hurt them. They wouldn’t understand if I came out to them, and my other choice is to throw away a great relationship when I’m 18. My weaker relationship is with my grandmother. I can easily tell that I was never the favorite grandchild. She spends more time with my cousins than she does with me. She is also very conservative. If I were to come out, I’d be surprised if I wasn’t disowned. I know that I’d never stop myself from transitioning, even if I have to sacrifice these relationships. Sometimes I wish these relationships could sacrifice themselves. I wish my mom could get tired of a child who’s apparently being influenced by society and didn’t turn out how she wanted, I wish my dad could forget about his child and just go for his job and the relationship he’s been searching for for years, I wish my nana could be happy with her cishet family, I wish my grandfather and step-grandmother wouldn’t have to deal with losing me when I’m 18, and I wish my grandmother didn’t have to deal with the one who isn’t the favorite who basically goes against her beliefs. I feels it would be so much easier for everyone. I wouldn’t have to deal with the fear, and they wouldn’t have to deal with the me that they didn’t want. Again, this probably sounds selfish, but I feel like it would work better for everyone. As much as I love them, I don’t want to stick to relationships that can hurt me in the end; As much as they say they love me, I don’t want to hurt them or make them mad. They say they’d love me no matter what, but most of them have shown me otherwise in some way.
so i was explaining to my friend that i am trans. and she said i can't be do to the fact i don't want to do anything sexual to women. i can date a women just fine, but when it comes the sexual interaction. i get scared. mainly do the fact i was abuse and raped repeatedly by a friend whom was a women form the time spand 2010 to 2012. and some home abuse that happened when i live with my family when i was younger. this has made me scared of sexual interaction with men and women, but i want to try to have that relationship with my fiancee. it scares me to. i just feel like that is a big slap in my face. to insult someone that is a friend. and tell you can't be this do to sexual abuse and trauma. it kinda made me feel terrible last night when she said that me. i just feel terrible now do this fact. maybe feeling this way is just all in my head. *sighs* i just need to get this out of my head to help me clam down. thank you for reading. advice is much needed.