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Catholic Communion


Guest Elizabeth K

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Guest Elizabeth K

I PM'd a friend on this. I expected a few words but it went further. I want to put this as a TOPIC

S.

My second wife divorced me against my wishes. I am not gay. I am transsexual - definately. Communion in the Catholic Chutch is a big question to us transpeople.

I know it is hard to understand the needs and the conditions of communion. I personally have this understanding as shown below, and have only confided in the Church to Sister Dulce - a psychc advisor who is a Nun in an Order in Baton Rouge. I do not know if there is a better person to consult in the church and I know the priests of my parish of St. John would have no understanding. In our condition, even physicians have no understanding. When i was first diagnosed I was enthusiastic to tell my story and to seek out help. But I soon discovered not one person outside of the transgender community understands! Only my two therapist and my prescribing physician have a clue, and when I asked them point blank if they understood my need to transition, personally they did not, being happy in their gender. I also have had the Christian Fundamintalist tell me I must accept myself as GOD made me (my sisters). I was very conflicted as I am very devout, and I asked GOD for resolution. This was before I was diagnosed as transsexual, and although I knew I was severely gender dysphoric, I didn't realize the extent.

To get off the subject for just a second, I was shown to be dual natured by my therapist, a PhD trained gender dysphoria specialist with years of training and over 100 cases of gender dysphoria in her casebooks. She said I was not a 'split' personality as I feared, rather I was dual natured. We worked to integrate me to see what I really am. After that, I was pretty much one person again - and then we worked to see who that was. It was me - and I am a woman. So then we looked at options. I chose to transition.

Now back to the subject, how did I get to that point through GOD and the Catholic Church? There are several ways to know GOD, two ways are through (1) rathional thought, and (2) direct prayer.

Rational thought:

Scriptures - which I feel are very much something we need to know - as changed as they have been through translation - I firmly believe GOD has allowed them to be preserved in a form of HIS intent. I believe in the scriptures, not as the literal word, but as HIS intended word. Does that make sense? All I say is we need to be careful to keep the Scriptures in context and not read what is not really intended. Therefore, I have been a Bible scholar of sorts, more of a historical Bible researcher, one who employes a more secular look at it , mixed with a Holy Grace of His watching and guiding my interpretation. And I do not suffer fools kindly. I will challange those who misuse HIS WORD. I do that with my sisters. I do that with the nay-sayers who claim we transgendered are an abomination. I REFUSE that arguement as you will see.

So back to Communion: and the following is from the Bible, and a Catholic Guidence site.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you; he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food, and my blood is real drink. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats me will live because of me. This is the bread which came down from heaven, not such as the fathers ate and died; he who eats this bread will live forever" (John 6:53–58).

The Church sets out specific guidelines regarding how we should prepare ourselves to receive the Lord’s body and blood in Communion. To receive Communion worthily, you must be in a state of grace, have made a good confession since your last mortal sin, believe in transubstantiation, observe the Eucharistic fast, and, finally, not be under an ecclesiastical censure such as excommunication.

First, you must be in a state of grace. "Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a man examine himself, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup" (1 Cor. 11:27–28). This is an absolute requirement which can never be dispensed. To receive the Eucharist without sanctifying grace in your soul profanes the Eucharist in the most grievous manner.

A mortal sin is any sin whose matter is grave and which has been committed willfully and with knowledge of its seriousness. Grave matter includes, but is not limited to, murder, receiving or participating in an abortion, homosexual acts, having sexual intercourse outside of marriage or in an invalid marriage, and deliberately engaging in impure thoughts (Matt. 5:28–29). Scripture contains lists of mortal sins (for example, 1 Cor. 6:9–10 and Gal. 5:19–21). For further information on what constitutes a mortal sin, see the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

The part I chose to discuss (and seem relevant to our discussion) are in bold.

For my flesh is real food, and my blood is real drink. transubstantiation - Is this a true fact? Well obviously the Host is sanctified as well as the wine. Catholicism is very concerned over the ritualization of this part for the sacriments. But is the host actually flesh? Is the wine actually blood? Literally not actually - yet, it is BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT TO BE. Is GOD present at Mass? We can't see him - but he is there BECAUSE WE BELIEVE HIM TO BE. Same thing.

So I don't hang up on transubstantiation. I want to accept the flesh and blood of Jesus - as HE said we must. In the form of the Host and the Cup. Its what I want. After accepting communion, a tremendous peace decends upon me. That shows me I am in the Grace of GOD.

Because I am transsexual - am I NOT allowed Communion? A huge question! I asked GOD three time on this and HE answered I am welcome and encouraged to take Communion. But that is prayer - I looked at it again, through study.

The KEY to the entire idea is this. GOD made us transsexual. That in itself is the real and only answer. BUT to continue, let us see if we are an abomination? Did we chose to be transsexual? No. Is being transsexual a mortal sin? No. Do we chose to be this way? No. Is it a life style choice? No. Do we do it willingly? No - we are forced to be what we are. Are we homosexual, engage in homosexual acts? No. but here are homosexual transsexuals, just as there are blue-eyed transsexuals - its another matter entirely.

And now - having sexual intercourse outside of marriage or in an invalid marriage, and deliberately engaging in impure thoughts? Each person has to examine that. Being transsexual really is incidental. I honor my wife. My acts with her have always been honest and loving. My impure thoughts have really diminished after starting my transition, and essentially are gone .

So no mortal sins - there are other readings on mortal sins of course, but this is a quick review.

Second part: prayer

I have been gender dysphoric my whole life. I crossdressed (I thought that's what it was) for fifty years. THAT is the part that made me feel so guilty and unavailable for GOD's Grace. But HE kept providing it. I never understood. I finally asked for resolution - put it in HIS hands.

Okay - the story:

Every year there is a procession - a 'parade' in the local venacular. We take the statue of the Blessed Mother with the Christ Child, from the Chappel (located about 2 miles from the Church) to a Blessing Mass at the main Church. She is heavy - it takes about twenty men to carry Her. And the procession is the first weekend in July - HOT in South Louisiana. The entire town turns out. This is a Sicilian tradition - my wife is second generation American. I have been accepted into this community - and hope I can continue as my transition becomes more apparant - anyway.

So I have paticipated with her ever since we started dating. We walk the route, saying the Rosery. It is VERY much a spiratural experience. We march to the church Saturday, and return to the Chapel Sunday. There are two days of celebration and a Church fair. It is a great time of community.

BUT - the tradition is to ask the Blessed Mother for an Intercesion. It was an amazing thing for me when I started the walking. These requests were being granted, not always in the form expected, but truly coming to pass! I felt the power of prayer in a physical sense I had never known. I have prayed my entire life. I have learned to listen for GOD's guidence. It's HARD to listen but I learned. I do it all the time in good times and bad - so I am rather strange that way - I tell people I talk to GOD. Well - to avoid the men in white coats - I try to keep it subtle - I don't obcess on it... my enthusiasm is personal anyway! And my sister's ask, "How do you know it's GOD? I laugh - three answers - what he tells me ALWAYS comes to pass - the answers I get are usually different from what I expect, and most of all He never lies! Then I cap it off - 'How do you know it ISN"T GOD???

Shuts them up. When they came and told me transgenderism doesn't exist, that therapists do the work of the devil, that only two sexes exist - and I was male, and that I was in danger of going to hell ---- wow --- big day there! I asked how they knew all that. They said it is written in the Bible. Well, what they showed was on homosexuality (told them it didn't apply to gender dysphoria) and what was written I quoted back to them, but in context. So I expalined the real meanings.

Then they asked why I refused to believe? I said, "should I believe what GOD tells me directly? Or should I believe what you interpret GOD is saying?" That's when they asked how I knew it was GOD talking to me? Humm.. again, my first answer was 'How do you know it was not?"

So they left after a while, KNOWING I will burn in hell. I prayed for them asking GOD to give then more understanding and ability to love those who don't fit in their idea of the world.

BUT

Again I ramble. Asking for intercessions? WELL my whole life - always for someone else. My wife asked me - why not yourself? I guess I felt unworthy to ask GOD for myself sometimes. I do pray for things I need to do or understand. But it hit me - ask for GOD to help me.

My HUGE problem - GENDER DYSPHORIA! Dear LORD, give me resolution?

Not let me transition, not cure me at last, not let people understand, not let me live in peace as a male - RESOLUTION!

Things happed quickly after that. I will not go into detail. I was forced to go to a gender therapist, I was diagnosed, I asked guidence and was led to transitioning. End of story...

No, not quite.

I have a dying friend - Agent Orange poisoning. He is very spritual as would be expected in these last months - I came to him to offer peace as well as I could in his journey towards the end. He ministred to ME! Somehow he read me. Somehow it happens he has a transdaughter. A miracle of sorts occured... and he told me later, our next meeting, GOD had spoken to him and I was fine in HIS eyes. That my transition was under his Grace.

I was floored!

Later, my wife and I went to Sister Dulce in Baton Rouge. It takes two months to get to see her. We walked in - she read me, essentially repeated word - for - word what my dying friend said.

Conclusion:

So I know I am okay. I take Communion wiith a grateful heart. I thank OUR LORD for HIS help. I pray at night and ask HIM why I was made this way? He choses not to explain. GRIN

My story - I hope it helps.

Elizabeth

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Guest darlene lynn

Dear Lizzy

I would like to tell You my story With JESUS. I was raise evolutionist. Christains would ask me arent you afraid of hell. My answer was no,for an evolutionist there is no God or Satan,No heaven no hell.

When I was 39yrs old Jesus spoke to me. He ask me if I beleive in HIM,I said I didnt know.He ask if I believed He was talking to me. When Jesus talks to you,you know it, and I said I believed He was speaking to me right then. And Jesus told me to go before God and ask Him to forgive my sins in Jesus name.And God would forgive me and write my name in the lambs book of life. I beleive!!

And no one can take that away from me. And beleive me, Ive had plenty tell me lest I be drawn or led to God by a man (preacher or priest) Im not saved.I think JESUS out ranks them..Ive had some say Jesus or God or The Holy Spirit doent talk to man...I feel sorry and I pray for those that dont think GOD can do what ever HE wants HE created this.

I can bring scripture if itll help,But in my words. SIN is something that GOD would not do Himself.

GOD is LOVE, We are in HIS grace till HE says enough is enough and we stand with Jesus before HIS great white throne. Transgender along with a long list is a sin,many things from thiefs,lying,crossdressing..etc etc..I can imagine the list of disobedents or sins go on forever.

But we must remember there hasnt been the final judgement by GOD yet. So we are still under grace, and will be till that day,GOD still is watching over us.

After 5yrs of study of God's word (bible) for myself. I became very depressed because I realized I would never be perfect. I sit one night praying and ended up crying myself to sleep.The next morning the Holy Spirit came to me and said,(If you could have ever been perfect GOD would have never sent JESUS),it took me a while to understand,but mankind has always sinned. Man cant be perfect without Jesus. Then Jesus came to me the next morning and said (I love You just as you are)(for I(Jesus) knew you before you were conceived) so Jesus knew who I was going to be before I was born,He knew I was going to be transgender,And He loved me anyway. Personally Im going to trust Jesus.When we stand before God the bible says God isnt going to see us or our sin He's going to see Jesus covering us and we will be His reward. Because of our faith in HIM. And God's promise to us to make a way back to Him through Jesus.

LOTS OF LOVE

Darlene Lynnette

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Guest ashley4623

Oh yes, it helps... your story was very touching.

You see, as a Catholic myself, I've had to face the same exact things you were talking about. I went through a period of time where I wondered the same things you did, and eventually came to the same conclusions you arrived at.

I want to let you know that it was very comforting to read your post. I've been praying for an answer to this, and I think your post might be part of it. It's really nice to know that someone else has also come to peace with this.

Take Care, and God Bless!

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Guest Elizabeth K

Maybe - just maybe - GOD made me this way - maybe, to write those words. I am so moved by the responses I just want to do more and more to pass on HIS word, and have as many as I can reach, in my remaining lifetime, to know of HIS Grace.

God Bless Us - Everyone (Dicken's of course - Tiny Tim - one of the most powerful word's of fiction ever written).

Lizzy

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  • 1 year later...
  • 3 months later...

Elizabeth,

From one Catholic to another. Thank you. I was not raised Catholic. I am not ready yet to share publicly my journey but very grateful for your heartfelt words. I will say this being who I am is one of many examples of how much God loves me.

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Guest Michele H

Lizzy, I came back from meeting with the paster of a church I am thinking of joining, sat down and saw your post and had to chuckle a bit before reading your post. He does not know that I am transgendered - only that I am a lesbian but I felt safe when we met and that is very unusual for me for reasons that you know about. I also found him to be very inciteful,articulate and perceptive. I hope that in your spirtual journey that you can find someone within your church that can be what I hope I have found in this church.

As for "As God made us" - If you believe in free will, as I do, then I don't think you can say that God says "let this one be male and that one female and this one I will give a male body but in all else a female." God did create the natural process and nature does like to experment - a lot! so to that extent, I believe God accepts whatever variation nature comes up with. I also think that regardless of who we are, God presents us with opportunities to use those gifts in one way or another and Cries when those with little understanding would seek to diminish us in any way - including exclusion from the sacraments. I am still recovering from pneumonia so don't have much strength but I will try to at some point paraphrase what pastor Boyd said to me. God bless and may the holy spirit give you peace.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Karen K

I am so glad I came upon this thread. I am Catholic, and it has caused me a great distress for me as since the Second Vatican Council The Catholic Church has the view that Transexualism, Transgenerism and Gender Identity Dysphoria is a mental disease that is curable. I have not had the courage to ask/tell my priest of my pending transition to become a woman and what that would mean for me within our parish. I fear that he would refer me to a doctor/therapist within the Diocese. As if this would lead me to salvation.

So I thank you Lizzy, for that poniant letter. And I thank you Darlene for your personal story.

Praise God!

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  • 2 months later...
Guest DanielleD

Lizzy, you writing of this thread is wonderful and I am so happy that I was led to it. I was raised Southern Baptist what a scary nightmare that was growing up, but became Catholic several years ago. I have never heard or read this explanation. This is a thread I will come back too to think about it more deeply.

Keep putting up wonderful posts!

Have A Fabulous Day!!

Danielle:)

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Guest Elizabeth K

The resurrection of this August 2009 Topic , and the subsequent rereading of it ... and of the wonderful responses... has led me to write this reply.

I think perhaps I was lead to write the original topic. I remember the event, the thinking on all I wrote, but the reasoning and the wording seem way beyond my abilities and talents, and I wonder at that. Could I write like that today, this very minute? I don't feel I could, yet perhaps I could again if God's grace was guiding my hand. Rereading brought me back to what I was thinking then, what I felt as I wrote those words.

Much has happened to be since August 2009. I have had the expected negative results of transitioning, the loss of my wife, loss of her family support, and even the loss of the very house I lived in when I wrote those words. Yet, God granted me my life's desire, 'resolution.' I was led to transition and became myself. I am finally me, irrevocably. And to accomplish that took a force well beyond, my capabilities. I can sum it up as this, His Grace will allow me peace in my last years of life here on earth.

Yes I still talk to 'God,' but it is revealed to me 'He' is the CREATOR, 'God' is the humanization of the CREATOR in a 'male aspect,' just as 'The Goddess' is 'Her' female aspect. And the CREATOR is also the 'Spirit,' as the Native American People have always known. So I now understand, again because 'He' explained it to me.

And I am Catholic still - but I am also an Unitarian Universalist. I believe in 'Ethical Living." I also use the Wicca way to celebrate and honor the CREATOR, so it's been a progression. My spirituality has never been stronger!

But I talk to God. always will, whatever form the CREATOR presents. I take Catholic Communion with a clear and pure heart. That will never change.

And, most of all, I do believe I was created transsexual for a reason, a reason the CREATOR almost laughinly refuses to share. And it may be, partially, to write these thoughts for all to see. Maybe to allow understanding we are truly in His Grace. Judgment may come later or we may be judged every microsecond of our lives. We will never know for sure, but we are truly in his Grace all the days of our lives.

Jesus understood it all... and I sometimes wish He were here to explain, I mean what He taught, without 2000 years of interpretation. Would we recognize Him? Would we simply crucify Him again? I would hope that I would know and understand Him [or Her, or whatever form Jesus really is]. But I fear it is possible I would not, so I live my life trying to keep my vision clear so I would not miss His return.

We are to love one another.

But to end this posting, I can only say to you, think on this. Prepare yourself by emptying your mind of concerns of this earth, and reach into the essence of your soul. And listen... the CREATOR is talking to you constantly. Maybe, just maybe, you are just not always listening.

Lizzy

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest PaintedWingss

Thank for this! I, too, am Catholic and have been since birth. I went through a questioning period where I denied any possibility of me being transgender, bisexual, or the possibility that I had fallen in love with my best friend of the same sex as me because I had been taught by various religious education teachers that these things were sins. I've learned to accept who I am after rereading those passages that people use against us and remembering that God had told us that we should obey the two biggest rules, love thy neighbor and love Him and put no other god in front of Him. If God didn't want me this way, why was I born like this? If being gay is a sin, why did He make me that way? I've come to find that God made the LGBT community the way we are to be able to get over these obstacles and become strong.

At least, those are my thoughts in a nutshell. If you got me going, I could go much further. C:

- Taylor

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  • 3 years later...
Guest Razilee

As I understand the teachings of the Catholic Church, especially in the new Cathechism, homosexual acts are unnatural and sinful, so is the chemical or surgical contraception of transitioning. There may be extenuating circumstances where the risk for self-mutilation or suicide is great, but we are told that God will never give us more than we can handle with His help. Communion with Him sacrimentally and in prayer has certainly helped me, in my case much more than than the psychiatrist did. Laura's Playground with its the sharing and the cautions about transitioning have helped too.

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This would be announced first thing Monday morning. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob found himself at a loss as to what to do with himself.  He made himself coffee with the new coffee maker and the new coffee, made a PBJ with the new bread, the new PB and the new jelly, and ate an apple, all at the new table.  It was almost like she was there.  He even did the dishes and put the clean ones in the dish rack and made his bed.   He threw himself into work that could have waited for Monday.  He worked on a financial projection and his personal budget and then went over to the hospital. No, he would not be allowed to see her.  She was fine. Don't worry.   He went for a walk this nice spring day.  He just happened to walk around the hospital, hoping she would be standing at a window somewhere. Nope.  He ate a TV dinner she had bought him and tinkered with his motorcycle and went to bed.   The next day he ate a breakfast that happened to be there from the stuff Taylor had bought, which made him miss her even more.  He went to the church they had visited Wednesday night, partly because he was curious, but mainly to sit next to the chair she had sat in Wednesday night, as if that would make her appear.   Worship was similar to Wednesday night and Brother Mike spoke.  Before he began he saw Bob and in surprise said, "Sir, I wanted to catch you Wednesday night but I didn't. Can  I ask you please to stay afterwards and come up here and talk to me?" That was fine with Bob.  They also had information no one in town had.   The sermon, altar call and closing song over, Bob made his way to the front. Brother Mike came over to him.  "Sir,I want to ask your forgiveness for want it must have seemed like to you Wednesday night.  And on behalf of my wife, for Tuesday. She had Taylor confused with someone else.  Will you forgive us?" Quite the start.  "Sure." "In 2015 I was the youth pastor at Hutton Church." [Hutton is a little village outside of Roosevelt, consisting of a church, half a dozen houses, a gas station and a Dollar General Store. The kids go to Roosevelt schools.] "Small world." "I remember there was a terrible assault on one of the youth at the high school, and there was a prayer campaign for that boy. He made a full recovery.  I recall a number of  news articles even though the family requested privacy.  I remember a Bob being mentioned as a close friend of the assaulted.  You strongly resemble him, and I am puzzled by your companion. She looks like the boy a lot.  That is why I kept looking in your direction.  Not in accusation." "She was him." "Really." "This is the same Taylor people are talking about - who changed from male to female?" "I think she was never a male, actually." "Really.  Well, I didn't build this church by accusing anyone or making anyone feel bad, and I think both those things happened with you and - Taylor.  I want you to know you are welcome here.  If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.  Did you know that over half this church came forward Wednesday night with sexual issues of one sort or another?  You are not alone. Excuse me, that is presumptuous, that you have such issues. I have no right to pry.  But thank you for coming back."   Not bad, Bob thought. Not bad at all.    A quick fast food lunch and he was at the hospital.  Was she being discharged? He was her ride, so they were willing to tell him. He could wait. And he did.        
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Was excited today,my new toolbox has been shipped out,Snap On dealer told me this.It took this long since it was ordered to get it.My other co workers and I were right about the new employee that started yesterday,He was fired this afternoon.Was on his phone again and boss caught him do it.Plus he did call me an offensive word,the C word my boss hates.I did report that to my boss.My boss believes in treating women right
    • Sally Stone
      ss,   I can't say that my image in the mirror has helped me understand why I am bi-gender.  I'm pretty certain the reason I identify as bi-gender  has to do with how I feel inside.  About mirrors though, I do clearly see my inner woman when I look at myself in the mirror.  
    • MaeBe
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The tornado called Taylor ripped through Bob's apartment. After a trip to a laundromat, two trips to grocery stores for cleaning supplies and what Taylor opined were Basic Staples, everything was scrubbed within an inch of its life.  A new dish  drainer with a new hand towel and dish cloth were by the side of the scrubbed out sink; motorcycle parts were in a box under the newly made bed.  Floor, shower, toilet, sink had been hit in the bathroom and new towels hung there the way Taylor liked them. "I don't recognize the place/" "So move out." Taylor was sitting on one of the new kitchen chairs.  There were four of them around the little wooden table.  In the middle was a flower arrangement.  Bob had made his last trip to the dumpster.  Not a pizza box remained. A row of card board boxes with books had been replaced by shelves full of neatly arranged books. "Look at this." "I am not going to do this all the time.  You clean your own place from now on. I am bushed." "Many thanks, babe." "No problem, Big Guy." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about exercise.  Karate in particular."  He pronounced it ka-ra-tay. "I am a second Dan black belt and there is a certain obligation there to teach other people." "Kara-tay? I don't know." "A friend of mine runs a dojo here and needs my help. He talked to me already.  Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday mornings." "Oh.  So you will be there then." She looked disappointed. "I'm hoping you will be there." "Sounds dangerous.  But I could use the exercise." "And self-defense would be good. It might help." "It might. Huh.  Saturday morning?" "8 AM I need to be there. Classes run until noon. I don't need to be there the whole time." "Is there an intro class or anything?" "Yes. 10 to 11." "How about if I try that."  She was not very enthusiastic.  Punches and kicks and stuff.   Saturday morning they arrived together.  She wanted to watch the Green Belt class that met then just to see what she was in for. Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
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