No Escape

[Guest Veronica Lynne]

I am typing this on an iPod touch and unfortunately I have large fingers so I will make this brief. I am still a man, married with children. Although I have tried to fit inside this body my whole life, I know that I never will. I know that many of you understand when I say that I don't want to burden my children with this. My wife has known about it for many years. But says that she needs me to be her husband. I completely understand this, as it is what I have always longed for. If I could turn back the clock and change my gender at birth I would only have two stipulations, I would want my wife to be my best friend and would like to give birth to my boys. I try to be the husband that I would want to have, she deserves that.

I found a role model in Clark Kent, I try to be gentle and kind, strong and courageous. The gentle and kind is a lot easier than the strong and courageous. She calls her Prince Charming.

But I am suffering more than I can bear. I dream of a day that all of the pain will come to an end, but inside I know that the day may never come. So here I am and here you are, in a place where we can find rest, council and a place to vent.

Tonight I will try to work up the courage to talk to her about it again. I know that she probably sees this coming, though I told her that I was okay, I know that she is not blind. The signs of a major meltdown have been resurfacing more lately than in the 10 years or so since we last truly discussed this in depth. She loves me, of that I am sure. How she will react only time will tell.

I realize that was a bit much for an intro, but I try to be honest, as much as I can, while I hide secret identity from the world. I also said that this would be short. For me this is.

Veronica Lynne

"I'm only a man in a silly red sheet, only man looking for a dream."

[Guest Nichole]

I am typing this on an iPod touch and unfortunately I have large fingers so I will make this brief. I am still a man, married with children. Although I have tried to fit inside this body my whole life, I know that I never will. I know that many of you understand when I say that I don't want to burden my children with this. My wife has known about it for many years. But says that she needs me to be her husband. I completely understand this, as it is what I have always longed for. If I could turn back the clock and change my gender at birth I would only have two stipulations, I would want my wife to be my best friend and would like to give birth to my boys. I try to be the husband that I would want to have, she deserves that.

I found a role model in Clark Kent, I try to be gentle and kind, strong and courageous. The gentle and kind is a lot easier than the strong and courageous. She calls her Prince Charming.

But I am suffering more than I can bear. I dream of a day that all of the pain will come to an end, but inside I know that the day may never come. So here I am and here you are, in a place where we can find rest, council and a place to vent.

Tonight I will try to work up the courage to talk to her about it again. I know that she probably sees this coming, though I told her that I was okay, I know that she is not blind. The signs of a major meltdown have been resurfacing more lately than in the 10 years or so since we last truly discussed this in depth. She loves me, of that I am sure. How she will react only time will tell.

I realize that was a bit much for an intro, but I try to be honest, as much as I can, while I hide secret identity from the world. I also said that this would be short. For me this is.

Veronica Lynne

"I'm only a man in a silly red sheet, only man looking for a dream."

Hi, Veronica,

It sounds like your feel very alone and alone is always a very painful place to be for a human being. I was there for a very long time.

I found, for me, that just being myself, being authentic in the sense of being able to hold and be myself riht where I am has been pain-relieving.

I have children as well. I'm lucky, they have been accepting. O, don't get me wrong; they aren't accepting as in "I totally forgot I ever once called you Dad." What they seem to accept, even relish, is that I have become real for them. I can hold them, disagree with them, show my love for them because I am now just me.

I think we often think that transitioning, a bit or a lot, "looking like a woman" being beautiful or "passing" will somehow fix whatever else is wrong with us. But, for me, all that led to was more inauthenticity.

Anyone with the right money and pretty good bone-structure and the willingness to take a risk may find that sort of passing and beauty, but if that person never finds themselves, what good does it do? None, I think, same miserable problems with maybe even a few more added in.

I have found it isn't so much "them accepting me" as it has been "me accepting me." All of me and leading my life as me rather than as some construct of social and parental pressure to be a certain way. But, until I was able to go within and find who me was (it's an ongoing process I have to keep on doing, because like everything else 'me' changes sometimes) the outside changes didn't seem to solve much of anything.

O, the HRT was great. No one ever mistook my looks for male after six-months of HRT. I had spent a lot of time and effort prior to HRT to work on voice, speech, walk, presentation, etc, so that didn't seem to tip them either. But, I was walking around not seeing myself. I was always convinced that someone, everyone 'knew.' And some people did!! I could not figure out why. Until I finally did.

It was because I had avoided the most difficult work, not that list of stuff up there. I had never bothered to find me, Nichole. I have been doing that. Life is much better, simply because I live it now as me.

I don't know, or even much care, who knows anymore. I don't want to be murdered, but then like all women I watch where I go. I don't 'test' people with whether or not they can 'read' me anymore. And in the places I go: school, work, neighborhood, trips, seminars and conferences I don't find people who are likely to kill me even if they do 'find out.' Just a smart way to go about it.

I hope you are able to find some peace with who you are, Veronica. But, I found that in order to do that I could not be a caricature of 'a woman.' I had to be Nichole and all that she was. I had to stop flinching away from myself.

Maybe you can make it to your peace without doing that, but I cannot recall ever meeting another TS who has been able to do it that way, and I have met and been with a number of TSes.

Hugs, and I am praying that you find peace, and that peace finds you.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Veronica Lynne,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are not alone in what you are going through. Many, if not most of us have been where you are now. Feel free to open up and share your thoughts with us. We care.

MaryEllen

[Guest Veronica Lynne]

Just an update for those who actually read this in the future.

A few days after my last post I opened the lines of communication, regarding the issues that I still face on a daily basis, with my wife. She handled it well, although she didn't see it coming. It is a lot better than the first time, or even the last time. She said that there was an upside to this. I won't cheat on her, I don't go to bars, I don't watch sports and I like chick flicks.

We have both been doing our research online and then comparing notes. It is not without it's moments of tension. I am still having a tough time dealing, so I have been exploding a bit lately. Testosterone, pah!

I have a few Gender Therapists that are within 20 - 30 miles from me that I will be calling soon. I need help from someone who understands what I am going through. Hopefully I find someone I can talk to that I feel comfortable with.

I love my wife, she is my best friend. I just need to talk to someone that I can open up to fully. Someone who I am not afraid of hurting. Someone who is not so close to this.

I don't dress, although it makes me feel more comfortable it is only for a moment and I realize that I am only fooling myself. It hurts worse after, things become crystal clear, so I haven't done that for years. So I dream. I lie in bed at night asking God to help me. Pleading with Him to change me, to fix me. Two-thirds of my life has been spent doing that. I don't think that He is in that business, so don't get your hopes up.

I live my life like the Wizard of Oz in reverse. "Please ignore the lady behind the wall. I am the great and powerful Oz!" I dream of taking the wall down a brick at a time. But in previous attempts people threw rocks at me through the holes in the wall and I had to put the bricks back in and reinforce the mortar. I realize that this is a common occurrence, but it has made me fearful of discussing it with any friends or family again. Maybe, just maybe, someday I will be able to be the person that is hidden from the world. But until then I will do my best to cope, for my family's sake.

Veronica Lynne

P.S. Thank you to everyone who wrote to me, either here or in private messages. It helps to know that you understand and care.