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I'm A Bit Confused..


Guest aotearoa

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Guest aotearoa

Hi. I am stoked to have found a site that is informative, supportive and genuinely caring. The whole gender identity stuff is so confusing and it gives me courage to explore it knowing that there are people who will not judge me and offer their thoughts and support in what has seemed such a huge obstacle. Thank you.

I am a 37 year old biological female, who has a male wired brain. I have known my brain works in a male manner for many years and I accept that quite comfortably. My appearance is more male than female and even when I try to look more feminine it just doesn't come off well. I feel so uncomfortable when I try to look feminine and if friends or family try to push me to dress that way I experience high anxiety and panic. I feel comfortable wearing more male or neutral clothing. I wear my hair short. I walk and talk like one of the boys. I have a few very strong female friends who accept me as I present and I appreciate them. I have very little tolerance for girly girls or catty woman. I just don't get them at all and find I have nothing in common with them. I get on better with men and understand how they work better.

I was sexually abused by a female cousin when I was 6 and I subconsciously suppressed it until I was 19. I was also abused by a number of men when I was a teenager. I wonder whether my early sexual abuse caused this bit I don't know. After the initial abuse I became or maybe just accentuated my tom boyish dressing and manner. I had grand mal seizures for a year after that and when my mother, who didn't know about the abuse, took me to a specialist they were reading my file. They said my name, my biological gender and then said "Should we check?" I was 7 years old. I have been teased mercilessly by other girls and teenagers through school and it really knocked my confidence. I felt so bad all the time. I started using drugs at 13 and had a needle habit by 14. From 13 I have had active suicidal ideation on a daily basis and have made many attempts. Maybe not to die, just to stop the pain. I self harmed for many years but no longer do that as I realise that behaviour is just an indicator of my stress levels at any given time. I have also learnt that just because I think about killing myself, I don't have to act on it. Again, the intensity of those thoughts and feelings are indicators of my emotional wellbeing at that particular time. I no longer use drugs and alcohol as I did in the past.

I have had relationships, some causal some longer term, with men and a woman. I have always experienced the same anxiety around physical contact with men. I felt like the male in the relationship with the woman I was with. I have recently left a relationship with a man who loves me very much because I couldn't handle any physical contact or when he looked at me in a sexual manner. It hurt me to leave. I felt I had no choice because I was screaming inside all the time.

I have a beautiful 17 month old daughther. Her father was a casual sex partner. He is part of her life on a sporadic basis by his choice. When I found out I was having a girl I paniced because I couldn't see how I could teach her anything about being a girl. I still feel that way but have enlisted my strong woman friends to help me fill that role. I don't want her to experience the teasing, confusion and feeling different like I did growing up.

I just wish I knew what to do. Please help. Thank you for listening.

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Kia Ora.... welcome to LP.This is the place you've been looking for.... I can't give you much advice though as I am going the other way...

Cheers from the other side of the ditch...

Regards, Tassie Tiff.

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Guest Elizabeth K

Its early here and I have to go to work so I cannot post a long message - and you so need someone to talk to. I am sort of rare as I am gender dysphoric, yet have a lot of gender dysphoric friends, including my first cousin who is pretty much like you. She does not like labels - so it is not a clear case that she is actually a FTM transperson - but I suspect she is. She has a man's mindset and always has had it.

Me? Strangely I am the other way. We always kidded about exchanging bodies - but science hasn't figured that one out yet.

So you are in the right place here at Laura's. We are very supportive of each other, and completely non-judgememntal. We also are here for you should you get depressed and/or self-distructive. Talk to us! We are always around. AND we understand you exactly - and instantly!

And don't worry about labels - just worry about happiness and sanity.

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

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Guest aotearoa
Kia Ora.... welcome to LP.This is the place you've been looking for.... I can't give you much advice though as I am going the other way...

Cheers from the other side of the ditch...

Regards, Tassie Tiff.

Kia Ora! Nice to know someone knows where NZ is! I am impressed with the scope of this site. I believe there is help here!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Its early here and I have to go to work so I cannot post a long message - and you so need someone to talk to. I am sort of rare as I am gender dysphoric, yet have a lot of gender dysphoric friends, including my first cousin who is pretty much like you. She does not like labels - so it is not a clear case that she is actually a FTM transperson - but I suspect she is. She has a man's mindset and always has had it.

Me? Strangely I am the other way. We always kidded about exchanging bodies - but science hasn't figured that one out yet.

So you are in the right place here at Laura's. We are very supportive of each other, and completely non-judgememntal. We also are here for you should you get depressed and/or self-distructive. Talk to us! We are always around. AND we understand you exactly - and instantly!

And don't worry about labels - just worry about happiness and sanity.

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

Kia Ora Lizzy! Thank you for your welcome. I appreciate the opportunity to offload all that stuff. I am in process of working it all out. It seems to me that I would be happy living on an island away from society as the anxiety comes from other people's reaction to me rather than from within. I am reasonably content just being me and being a 'mum/parent/human guidance and love receptacle' for my daugther. Have a great day at work.

Arohanui, Ao

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Kia Ora! Nice to know someone knows where NZ is! I am impressed with the scope of this site. I believe there is help here!

Arohanui, Ao

Well NZ is bigger and more populated then where I live.... I am in Tasmania..... AND consider myself Half Kiwi... Dad was from Dunedin..... SO I can relate to the folks from the Land of the wrong White Crowd LOL

Regards, Tiff XOXOX

Or should we be rubbing noses....?

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I tried the Island Idea already mate...... And the less people there is... the more they know about you.... Strike that one off your list of 'To Do Items'

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Guest aotearoa

Rogie Tassie Tiff! I'll get the hang of this computer stuff soon. Just noticed your little profile thing on the side of the page. Your dad was from dunners huh? Pretty cold down there! Im in Whangarei. The winterless north. They are having a drag night at one of the club's here on Sat nite.

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Guest madelane

Hi Lizzy

Welcome indeed to a truly lovely and supportive site with many many shared experiences on offer to help us through those tough times.

So welcome from the Southern tip of Africa

Hugs

Madelane

xx

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Guest Joanna Phipps

Welcome from the middle of New Mexico USofA, this is one fantastic group of people with so many countries represented and so many points of view it isnt hard for us to help nearly everyone. Feel free to post to your hearts content, there are no limits to how big your posts can be (or how short or silly).

Now its time to wander over to the table, nick a couple of cookies and get some coffee... sorry cocoa would put me to sleep since im on the back end of a night shift and havent slept for nearly 40 hours.

hugs and welcome

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Guest Elizabeth K

New Orleans here - Banana Republic of the United States!

But we love and work and play HARD! And eat strange foods...

Again - welcome - HUGE scope of people here at Laura's - huge diversity! you will like it here!

Lizzy

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Rogie Tassie Tiff! I'll get the hang of this computer stuff soon. Just noticed your little profile thing on the side of the page. Your dad was from dunners huh? Pretty cold down there! Im in Whangarei. The winterless north. They are having a drag night at one of the club's here on Sat nite.

They have the "Queen's Ball" here in Hobart... Organised by the GLC (Gay and Lesbian Council)...... I went to one of them here and was disappointed.... I put in an effort to 'Dress' for the occassion..... ( I looked Hot)... Most of the rest arrived in Ripped Jeans and T-Shirts and running shoes.... I was Over Dressed..... LOL..... I went with an OLD Mate of mine who is Post Op and an Ex Les Girls Show Girl..... She is 62 now.... But Still Hot..... Men, Women and some folks I couldn't hang a label on were hovering around her like moths to a flame. She got really embarrassing and Flashed her Magnificent 'Sisters' in front of a crowd of men... LOL (and me cause I was with her) all night..... Lots of free drinks.... AND we were Both invited back to a swanky Private Club afterwards.... For more drinks and dancing...

I know a Few J.A.F.A T Girls... Apparently the GRS Surgeon in NZ is top rate... And booked solid

I am happy to chat on the Al Capone any time... IM me for the number...

regards, Tiff. XOXOX

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Guest AlexiThink

Wow, this is a very demographically diverse group!

Welcome from Canada!!!

I myself am a biological female with a baby girl.

Yes, I agree. All of this gender identity stuff is very confusing. I'm still figuring it out too.

What name/pronouns do you prefer? If you don't know, that's cool too.

PM me any time.

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Guest aotearoa
Hi Lizzy

Welcome indeed to a truly lovely and supportive site with many many shared experiences on offer to help us through those tough times.

So welcome from the Southern tip of Africa

Hugs

Madelane

xx

Kia Ora Madelane, Thank you for the welcome. I wonder why there is so much discrimination when gender difference is widespread all over the world. Is it because difference threatens other's perception of who they are?

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Welcome from the middle of New Mexico USofA, this is one fantastic group of people with so many countries represented and so many points of view it isnt hard for us to help nearly everyone. Feel free to post to your hearts content, there are no limits to how big your posts can be (or how short or silly).

Now its time to wander over to the table, nick a couple of cookies and get some coffee... sorry cocoa would put me to sleep since im on the back end of a night shift and havent slept for nearly 40 hours.

hugs and welcome

Kia Ora Joanna! Cookies sound good, might skip the coffee in favour of an ice cold coke! Sleep isn't a bad thing although not get had with my baby girl! She is of the opinion that sleep is unnecessary! I beg to differ! Thank you for the welcome.

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
New Orleans here - Banana Republic of the United States!

But we love and work and play HARD! And eat strange foods...

Again - welcome - HUGE scope of people here at Laura's - huge diversity! you will like it here!

Lizzy

Kia Ora Lizzy! I did not know that New Orleans was the Banana Republic of the United States! It could be said that Northland is the Cannabis Republic of Aotearoa! Something to do with the weather. Not that I partake anymore but it certainly is a cash crop here! I moved up from Auckland, the biggest city in NZ, to live with my Brother and his wife. I don't know how they will feel about the gender stuff. I hope they will accept that this is who I am. I think they will. No need to talk to them about it until I have it more clear in my own head. Otherwise we will all be confused!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Wow, this is a very demographically diverse group!

Welcome from Canada!!!

I myself am a biological female with a baby girl.

Yes, I agree. All of this gender identity stuff is very confusing. I'm still figuring it out too.

What name/pronouns do you prefer? If you don't know, that's cool too.

PM me any time.

Kia Ora AlexiThink!

What part of Canada do you hail from? Name, Ao is fine. Not fussed with pronouns at this point. What does PM mean? How old is your baby? Was she a catalyst for you to seriously look at this stuff? Anika was my catalyst, along with a relationship with a man who I love but can not handle the physical contact etc stuff from. It has been rumbling along for many years and I have been able to crush it until it comes up again but know I think I need to get a clearer picture. Even if that picture changes and develops over time, I still need a starting point.

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
They have the "Queen's Ball" here in Hobart... Organised by the GLC (Gay and Lesbian Council)...... I went to one of them here and was disappointed.... I put in an effort to 'Dress' for the occassion..... ( I looked Hot)... Most of the rest arrived in Ripped Jeans and T-Shirts and running shoes.... I was Over Dressed..... LOL..... I went with an OLD Mate of mine who is Post Op and an Ex Les Girls Show Girl..... She is 62 now.... But Still Hot..... Men, Women and some folks I couldn't hang a label on were hovering around her like moths to a flame. She got really embarrassing and Flashed her Magnificent 'Sisters' in front of a crowd of men... LOL (and me cause I was with her) all night..... Lots of free drinks.... AND we were Both invited back to a swanky Private Club afterwards.... For more drinks and dancing...

I know a Few J.A.F.A T Girls... Apparently the GRS Surgeon in NZ is top rate... And booked solid

I am happy to chat on the Al Capone any time... IM me for the number...

regards, Tiff. XOXOX

Kia Ora Tiff!

I didn't go to the drag nite. No baby sitter and I'm not that brave yet! I bet you did look hot too and what a hoot with your mate doing the flash! Bonus with the consequences! Instead, my baby girl and I did the playcentre beach fundraising walk! No flashing there but a good day anyway!!! Lmao!! Not sure if I'll go so far as surgery. I guess those are questions to pose myself later on through the journey. Good to know they are good though. I wonder if I could be genderless? Or would that just complicate life more and make filling out forms impossible!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest AlexiThink
Kia Ora AlexiThink!

What part of Canada do you hail from? Name, Ao is fine. Not fussed with pronouns at this point. What does PM mean? How old is your baby? Was she a catalyst for you to seriously look at this stuff? Anika was my catalyst, along with a relationship with a man who I love but can not handle the physical contact etc stuff from. It has been rumbling along for many years and I have been able to crush it until it comes up again but know I think I need to get a clearer picture. Even if that picture changes and develops over time, I still need a starting point.

Arohanui, Ao

Hi Ao,

I live in Ontario with my mtF spouse, and my 2-month-old baby girl. My spouse was more of a catalyst for me. Although I had known that I wanted to be male for as long as I can remember, she taught me that it was okay to feel that way and that started me thinking more seriously about my gender. I'm trying to get a handle on what it all means, trying to find my starting point too.

PM means private message. Its like email, but specifically for Laura's Playground. You can PM once you've posted on the forums at least 5 times. Which I think you're at.

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Guest Wanderer

Hi Ao, it's nice to meet you! I'm here from the U.S., in Texas, specifically.

I'm a little less certain on any of this. Dunno if I'm androgynous, or mtf, or w/e. I DO know that I'm never happy being the 'guy' in a relationship, as society seems to see it ought be. It seems I can't get away from that though. Even when I'm with another guy (which I don't usually tend to like) I'm, for some reason, expected to be the stronger, more protective one, or something. I dunno if I give off that appearance or what, but I think I'm really effeminate in how I flirt, and try to put off the whole uke image as much. It's just annoying is all. I think when I actually try to flirt, the person either doesn't notice or loses all interest though. ;-;

Oh sorry, 'uke' is a Japanese term. The 'uke' and the 'seme', typically in a gay relationship, are the 'submissive', 'bottom' or 'girl', and the 'dominant', 'top', or 'guy', respectively, in a relationship. I'm kind of an otaku, among other things. ^^;;

And I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter honestly. I know that if/when I have kids, I'm going to make certain not to push them one way or the other in terms of gender biases. In my experience, in the long term, it's a lot more stressful to have your family expect you to be something you're not than it is to be teased for being who you are. *mulls over all the issues of raising kids*.... Oh dear. I'd be a horrible parent. >.< You probably don't need to pay much heed to my advice, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. ^^

Anyways, it's nice to meet you. =3

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Guest aotearoa
Hi Ao, it's nice to meet you! I'm here from the U.S., in Texas, specifically.

I'm a little less certain on any of this. Dunno if I'm androgynous, or mtf, or w/e. I DO know that I'm never happy being the 'guy' in a relationship, as society seems to see it ought be. It seems I can't get away from that though. Even when I'm with another guy (which I don't usually tend to like) I'm, for some reason, expected to be the stronger, more protective one, or something. I dunno if I give off that appearance or what, but I think I'm really effeminate in how I flirt, and try to put off the whole uke image as much. It's just annoying is all. I think when I actually try to flirt, the person either doesn't notice or loses all interest though. ;-;

Oh sorry, 'uke' is a Japanese term. The 'uke' and the 'seme', typically in a gay relationship, are the 'submissive', 'bottom' or 'girl', and the 'dominant', 'top', or 'guy', respectively, in a relationship. I'm kind of an otaku, among other things. ^^;;

And I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter honestly. I know that if/when I have kids, I'm going to make certain not to push them one way or the other in terms of gender biases. In my experience, in the long term, it's a lot more stressful to have your family expect you to be something you're not than it is to be teased for being who you are. *mulls over all the issues of raising kids*.... Oh dear. I'd be a horrible parent. >.< You probably don't need to pay much heed to my advice, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. ^^

Anyways, it's nice to meet you. =3

Hi Wanderer! Nice to meet you! Being expected to be the female in my last relationship is what brought it to an end for me. It caused some much anxiety and anger for me that I couldn't keep going with it. My daughter was picking up on my unexpressed feelings and was becoming unsettled. I don't blame my ex (a male) coz he was just doing what came naturally to him. Unfortunately for him, it doesn't come naturally for me. I feel bad about hurting him and will one day soon try to explain to him how I feel about my gender stuff. I don't know how he will take it, but he deserves the truth. Being a part of this site is helping me become clearer about how I feel and what that means for me. I am still unclear of my course of action ie will I take testosterone, will I get surgery, will I pursue this legally? However, I do feel some peace having worked a few things out and finally admitting and accepting that this is what it is for me. That to continue to try to 'be' female is unhealthy for my state of mind. I am very grateful for this knowledge as some bits of the puzzle actually fit now.

Thanks for the translation too! This is a new world for me and, as in any arena of life, there is jargon. Understanding that jargon continues to demistfy this new world and make it more accessable.

Whatever my daughter decides to be is all good with me. I just want her to be happy and comfortable with herself. I kinda hope she has no gender/sexuality/identity/anything different stuff coz that will make life easier for her. However, it is from difference that character is built. Character is a good thing! I know I am very proud of her everyday and I love her intensely. She is my redemption for that not so cool stuff I did when I was younger.

I hope I can, one day, explain all this to my family. That is in the future and life is lived in the now!

I hope this finds you well and becoming clearer about life!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Hi Ao,

I live in Ontario with my mtF spouse, and my 2-month-old baby girl. My spouse was more of a catalyst for me. Although I had known that I wanted to be male for as long as I can remember, she taught me that it was okay to feel that way and that started me thinking more seriously about my gender. I'm trying to get a handle on what it all means, trying to find my starting point too.

PM means private message. Its like email, but specifically for Laura's Playground. You can PM once you've posted on the forums at least 5 times. Which I think you're at.

Kia Ora AlexiThink!

I reckon its pretty cool that you have a partner who gets it and is supportive of your journey! I have some good friends who have encouraged me to be me and I without them the world would be a lonely place. I'm sending you some good vibes to find your starting point... :)

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest Wanderer

Oh, lol, don't worry about knowing what 'uke' means. I only know it because I hang out with anime fangirls too much. xD

And yeah, my dad is bi, and he kind of has some problems with my choices because he identifies with the suffering entailed and considers this suffering more than he wishes me to bear, and while I recognize this and respect him for it, it is very stifling. S'yeah, try not to push the way you feel about what you're going through too much onto her if she does start to tell you that that is how she feels about stuff. That's all. ^^; There comes a point where we have to accept people we love for whom they are, and not keep trying to push the path of least resistance onto them because we think that will make them happier.

I'm sure you won't make that mistake though, I'm just sort of ventilating a bit about my dad's silliness.

He went on and on about how when people are truly at peace with themselves, they don't feel aspect like a 'gender' that can be dissonant with their bodies, or whatever else like that, and when I talked about the relationship I had with my ex, where I was basically more the classical 'girl' and her more the 'guy', he insisted that I could easily find this again, if it was what I wanted, and didn't have to change my body and yatta yatta yatta.... "It's dangerous"..... I KNOW that. >___< I weigh my decisions much more carefully than he ever did growing up.... He's admitted to me that I'm probably smarter than he was at the same age.... It's cuz I had good parents too.... He should know better than to doubt me after raising me. =/

Sorry. Eheheh.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest aotearoa
Oh, lol, don't worry about knowing what 'uke' means. I only know it because I hang out with anime fangirls too much. xD

And yeah, my dad is bi, and he kind of has some problems with my choices because he identifies with the suffering entailed and considers this suffering more than he wishes me to bear, and while I recognize this and respect him for it, it is very stifling. S'yeah, try not to push the way you feel about what you're going through too much onto her if she does start to tell you that that is how she feels about stuff. That's all. ^^; There comes a point where we have to accept people we love for whom they are, and not keep trying to push the path of least resistance onto them because we think that will make them happier.

I'm sure you won't make that mistake though, I'm just sort of ventilating a bit about my dad's silliness.

He went on and on about how when people are truly at peace with themselves, they don't feel aspect like a 'gender' that can be dissonant with their bodies, or whatever else like that, and when I talked about the relationship I had with my ex, where I was basically more the classical 'girl' and her more the 'guy', he insisted that I could easily find this again, if it was what I wanted, and didn't have to change my body and yatta yatta yatta.... "It's dangerous"..... I KNOW that. >___< I weigh my decisions much more carefully than he ever did growing up.... He's admitted to me that I'm probably smarter than he was at the same age.... It's cuz I had good parents too.... He should know better than to doubt me after raising me. =/

Sorry. Eheheh.

Hey Wanderer! All good! I just know I want to be the best parent I can and be supportive and all that good stuff! I reckon one way to do that is to be honest about who I am and teach my little girl to love people for who they are not what they look like. Kids have an amazing capacity to do just that. My ex-partner is here at the moment for my sister in laws 39a birthday party on Saturday (she's actually going to be 40 but doesn't like the sound of that so 39a it is! Now who's in denial!!!). It's pretty tense between us. Lots of unresolved feelings on his part and my anxiety at having him here. Baby girl was so excited to see him and at least that's great thing. I think I will talk to him about my new learnings about myself, if only to be honest with him. He deserves that. I feel a bit scared though. It'll all be ok.

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest Wanderer

You sound like you will be an awesome parent. Kids are awesome like that. I used to think I would never want any, but I'm starting to reconsider. This won't affect me anytime soon, but it's still something to think about. Heh, I said earlier I'd be a horrible parent I realize... but I can learn.

That sounds like a good age. I can hardly wait to be 39a. lol

It sounds like you'll be fine. It's never comfortable being stuck close with an ex; I imagine it must be much more so after having a kid with them, but your little girl gets to see him. =3

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    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Did great with the kids
    • Sally Stone
      That's me too, Mae.  I don't think it's me as much as it is the camera (that's my story anyway).  Cameras hate me.  I never met one that liked me.  I often wish I was photogenic; sadly, not so much.   However, you look terrific in that selfie! 
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