Jennifer's Heart

[Guest Jennifer T]

Would like to post my story here. It's been a long road. I'm not sure where the road is leading me, but there has to be some place where I can be what I am in my heart.

Not sure where to start. I've spent a life time keeping 'me' apart from the world. It's only been very recently that I've opened up about myself to anyone. But when I did, it was kinda like a landslide that was just waiting to break loose. So, now I see a therapist and am dx'd with gender dysphoria. So I start researching it and find that there are people out there like me. And that is nice to know. I found this site and wow, very impressive heart here. I'll post a little more later. But for now, just want to say hi.

[Sally]

Jennifer,

Would you like to come into our member's lounge and sit with me?

Our chairs are very comfy and Donna Jean has let a fresh batch of hot cocoa to go with the cookies that I just baked so why not just relax and wait for the others to come by?

We want to know more about you but we will not rush you, it is important to just relax and tell us as much as you feel like when you are ready.

Feel free to look around in all of the forums, make yourself at home because that is where you are.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Jennifer

Welcome to the family, so nice to meet you.

I for one would love to hear more about you, so feel free to post, post, post

Some more of the family should be here shortly to say Hi and some even bring treats.

Lookin' forward to hearing from you.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

Jennifer....

Welcome to the Playground Sweetheart....

I see that you've found out about yourself and that you're taking steps to

rectify your situation!

Well, be sure to post here a plenty and ask any question that comes to mind.

There's many here to help and support you.....

It's really nice to have you here!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

Sally, I am not sure what the lounge is, but if I find it, I would love to sit and chat.

I suppose a little more about me is in order. I'm 44, married and have raised two beautiful children. My daughter has been married for over two years and just called us the other day to tell us they are expecting!!! We're so excited. My son is in his first year of college but lives at home. He's a busy kid (work, school, social activities) so we don't really see a lot of him. So we are kinda goign through the empty nest thing.

I was raised as a boy. But for as far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be a girl. My mother divorced my biological father when I was born. As a little boy, I was very effeminate. I was sensitive, cried easily, loved all things soft and pretty- butterflies, flowers. faeries. I would play with my sisters - pretend, house, jump rope, hopscotch, jacks - well, you name it. I loved their world. Their world was beautiful and I wanted to be pretty too. My mom and my sisters would dress me up as a girl for Halloween and I wouls\d be ecstatic!! It was the only time I ever felt pretty. And I would be upset when trick or treat was over and I had to go back to being a boy. I was not interested in playing with boys and it wasn't until I was in school that I had to play with them. I hated sports and the things they did made no sense to me.

Of course, being the sissy in school didn't go over very well. I had no idea what that even meant, but I knew I was different. My mom remarried when I was seven. She married a man who was crass and in many ways epitomized the things I grew to despise in masculinity. He brought to our family a group of his own boys who singled me out immediately and decided it was their mission to 'toughen me up'. I was called 'sissy', 'girly', 'sweetheart', etc...

I hated being thrust into their world. But to survive, I learned I had to be a boy. My world would not allow me to be what my heart cried for.

I grew up, and I became a man. I realized I was athletically gifted, began living in the gym (major gym rat) and began competing in many different venues. I became a martial artist and excelled in the ring. In many ways I was 'proving' to the world and to myself that I was a man. I trained and I fought to overcome the person of my childhood. And it drove me forward. And until my mid 30s, I did my best to effectively shut out the things about me that were feminine. Or at least keep them hidden deeply in my heart.

But there always remained the desire for beauty. And periodically throughout my life, I would see articles about people who had SRS and my heart would yearn. There was even a period in my life when I sought to have an orchiectomy. OF course, that did not sit well with my wife.

So now, here I am in my life. I've kind of come full circle I guess. Being a man is not where my heart is. And I look back at my childhood and deeply feel that I missed so much. I wish someone could have realized that I was a girl inside. Had I been afforded the opportunity to change my gender, I would have accepted it gladly.

I came across Nong Toom's story (Beautiful Boxer) about five years ago. And my heart wept. She is amazing and beautiful and I envy where she is today. She fought in the ring to embrace and eventually become the woman she knew she was in her heart. I fought to run away from that. But I indentify with so much of her childhood.

I am a deep believer in God. And my prayers are that in the eternal, I will be beautiful. He knows my heart.

Anyway, that's a little of me.

[Sally]

Jennifer, Sweetheart and now that term is not meant as an insult but one of true affection,

I know how you feel and all of the things from your childhood sound so familiar although my father was present I remember the joy of playing with my sister and her friends.

If the Medieval school system could be dragged kicking and screaming into at least the 20th century (the 21st might just be asking too much) and allow the children to play with the group of their own choice without interference from any adults we would be able to sort things out so much earlier.

Believe me, I would never have played one single game of dodge ball!

Jacks were very good for me and I have excellent balance so hop scotch was a natural.

So, yes I do understand and that is what we are all looking for, understanding and acceptance.

I am attaching a Link to a map of the Playground that I have made - I am going to be down at my quite spot with a large basket of cold fried chicken and all of the goodies that go along with it so come on down by the stream and we can sit and enjoy this wonderful day in the Playground.

Here Is The Map!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jennifer T]

Jennifer, Sweetheart and now that term is not meant as an insult but one of true affection,

Thank you. Very much.

And by the way, I absolutely hated dodgeball!!! Too bad we didn't know each other as kids in school. I would have sat on the side with you and played jacks. God, that would have been great.

I'll see if I can follow your map... That's a very cute drawing, btw.

[Guest Jennifer T]

I was just looking around th site. So many of you have accomplished that which I've only ever dreamed of. Wow! You all are amazing. You're beautiful and I am envious.

[Guest Janessa]

Glad you found this website - I'm glad I found it so I'm sure you'll enjoy it too.

I agree playing with boys is soooo boring though. Sometimes it's ok, but most the time they want to do boring things; did they ever drag you into a game of army or whatever they call those military pretend games? >.< Then there's basketball which is extremely boring to me, but it seems like every guy I know enjoys it. I think for me competitiveness bothers me, because I enjoy volleyball and tennis if it's just for fun; what did you think of tennis or volleyball if just playing it for fun?

Sorry for the questions. xD

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi Janessa.

I hated playing army or most any sport when I was in school. And most times, I only played if I was forced to.

Later in life, I learned to like to compete. I like tennis and volleyball. Volleyball is the only team sport that I really enjoy, however. I prefer individual competition. I am a cyclist and am pretty good. I do well in time trials. I'm also a huge MMA fan. I've competed in that arena and enjoy it.

When I was a teenager, I was also a fairly accomplished diver. I love the 3 meter spring board and can still do some pretty amazing dives. I've had lifeguards watch me dive and ask me if I ever competed in olympic competition!! Makes me smile. But no, I am not that good.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Btw Sally, I never did find the Lounge. If it's in the chat rooms, I cannot get in. I loaded the Java thing and did all the things that it said to do. But I can't get in. Keeps telling me to try again later.

Just wanted you to know that I wasn't being unsocial or anything. Thanks for the invite though.

Jennifer

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Jennifer hon

The newcomers lounge is just a virtual image that we like to promote to make people feel at ease when they join. In reality, the newcomers loungs is the introductions forum. As far as chat is concerned, If I remember correctly, one has to register first to be a member of chat, then you have access.

Hopefully, someone who is more familiar with joining chat can give you precise details. It has been so long since I joined chat, I have forgotton the registration procedure.

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Jennifer T]

Ah. Thanks, Brenda. Color me stupid...

As for the chat. I did create an account there too. It just won't let me it. But that's ok.

Thank you again.

Jennifer

[Guest Janessa]

Not sure why it's not letting you in. When I joined chat the first time I just had to enter chat and a moderator had a private conversation with me to confirm that I wasn't a predator or something like that. =x

(it's been a little while for me too, so I may be off a bit) xD

[Guest ricka]

Jennifer---welcome to the fold! You have found a family of loving, caring and accepting people here.

Isn't it interesting how so many of us find ourselves on a path which has brought us back around to our childhood beginnings as females----back in the day when we only knew how to be who we were really and not what we thought we had to become.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest SusanKG]

Hi Jennifer,

and a belated welcome to the playground. I see you are already getting acquainted with the girls. I share your feelings about dodgeball (I think around here they called it bombardment, an appropriate name,) a "game" existing only to work off some of that T overload before dragging back into the classroom. I had few if any girl toys, but a ton of boy toys. Thinking back, I was pretty rough on them. Well, they were war and action toys, weren't they supposed to be blown up? I hope to visit with you again at next recess.

SusanKG

[Guest Jennifer T]

Isn't it interesting how so many of us find ourselves on a path which has brought us back around to our childhood beginnings as females----back in the day when we only knew how to be who we were really and not what we thought we had to become.

Indeed. It is interesting. Why do you think it is that way? Why do we come full circle like this? I keep asking myself that question - why didn't I just maintain the status quo and continue on as I had been? What brings all this out?

Thanks for the welcome.

Hugs,

Jemmifer

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi Jennifer,

and a belated welcome to the playground. I see you are already getting acquainted with the girls. I share your feelings about dodgeball (I think around here they called it bombardment, an appropriate name,) a "game" existing only to work off some of that T overload before dragging back into the classroom. I had few if any girl toys, but a ton of boy toys. Thinking back, I was pretty rough on them. Well, they were war and action toys, weren't they supposed to be blown up? I hope to visit with you again at next recess.

SusanKG

And thank you for the welcome as well, Susan. Yeah, one school I went to called it 'killball'.

When the bell rings, I'll be over by hill. Most likely lying back watching the clouds.

Hugs,

Jennifer

[Guest ricka]

Indeed. It is interesting. Why do you think it is that way? Why do we come full circle like this? I keep asking myself that question - why didn't I just maintain the status quo and continue on as I had been? What brings all this out?

Thanks for the welcome.

Hugs,

Jemmifer

Jennifer the internal and external forces to fit in and to be "normal" are powerful and so often override who we are---our natal, natural selves, if you will. It is not unusual then for _our normal_ development to be sidetracked during our adolescence. We had no role-models; society was totally non-accepting not to mention our families and the church, where so many of us turned for solace. So we learned to suppress (consciously) and repress (unconsciously) who we were and live our lives "in quiet desperation." (can't remember the writer to whom to attribue this quote!) There were the "rogues" but we never knew about them. At least I didn't.

Some of you may find this interesting, even surprising, but the journey of my awakening began on a Sunday afternoon some 10 years ago. I was out for a drive and found myself saying to God, "I am ready to go deeper with you now." What ensued I can only describe as the ground opening up beneith my feet and I started a terrifying free fall that was to last for several years. So many times I felt like I was walking blindly in total darkness along a slippery cliff hearing the waves crashing below. Through many events and changes in my life I felt God brought me to the place of my childhood, to discover myself as He had made me. How else can I explain my natural c-cup breasts which grew and blossomed like twin roses opening up in full flower during this time without HRT (I'd never heard of HRT actually!) And I can tell you this journey of exploration and discovery never ceases.

Perhaps as we grow older and mature, the pull of conformity to societal norms grows weaker on us. Perhaps that over time we learn to make peace with ourselves and learn to be accepting of who we are. It is a place of inner peace and joy to find this place again after all of these years.

When i look in the mirror I see the woman that I was born to be looking back at me. A male friend told me recently that I was "vivacious and voluptuous" and totally a woman. That was such a gift!!

hugs, Ricka

[Guest Jennifer T]

Jennifer the internal and external forces to fit in and to be "normal" are powerful and so often override who we are---our natal, natural selves, if you will. It is not unusual then for _our normal_ development to be sidetracked during our adolescence. We had no role-models; society was totally non-accepting not to mention our families and the church, where so many of us turned for solace. So we learned to suppress (consciously) and repress (unconsciously) who we were and live our lives "in quiet desperation." (can't remember the writer to whom to attribue this quote!) There were the "rogues" but we never knew about them. At least I didn't.

Some of you may find this interesting, even surprising, but the journey of my awakening began on a Sunday afternoon some 10 years ago. I was out for a drive and found myself saying to God, "I am ready to go deeper with you now." What ensued I can only describe as the ground opening up beneith my feet and I started a terrifying free fall that was to last for several years. So many times I felt like I was walking blindly in total darkness along a slippery cliff hearing the waves crashing below. Through many events and changes in my life I felt God brought me to the place of my childhood, to discover myself as He had made me. How else can I explain my natural c-cup breasts which grew and blossomed like twin roses opening up in full flower during this time without HRT (I'd never heard of HRT actually!) And I can tell you this journey of exploration and discovery never ceases.

Perhaps as we grow older and mature, the pull of conformity to societal norms grows weaker on us. Perhaps that over time we learn to make peace with ourselves and learn to be accepting of who we are. It is a place of inner peace and joy to find this place again after all of these years.

When i look in the mirror I see the woman that I was born to be looking back at me. A male friend told me recently that I was "vivacious and voluptuous" and totally a woman. That was such a gift!!

hugs, Ricka

Wow!! That is amazing!!

Thank you for sharing all that.

I have not what you describe here. I am envioius. When I look in the mirror, I want to wretch. I am swimming in uncharted waters and I have no idea what to do.

[Guest ricka]

Wow!! That is amazing!!

Thank you for sharing all that.

I have not what you describe here. I am envioius. When I look in the mirror, I want to wretch. I am swimming in uncharted waters and I have no idea what to do.

Ah! but uncharted waters for you are familiar waters for your sisters here at Laura's and you will find you do not swim alone!! Have you ever seen dolphins swimming and cresting the waters together? Think of yourself in this way celebrating your womanhood with your sisters! And when you look in the mirror see all of your sisters standing with you. Real beauty is totally contagious and you will catch it here on Laura's, Sweetie!!! BTW, have you ever seen an ugly dolphin?

Ricka

[Guest Jennifer T]

Ah! but uncharted waters for you are familiar waters for your sisters here at Laura's and you will find you do not swim alone!! Have you ever seen dolphins swimming and cresting the waters together? Think of yourself in this way celebrating your womanhood with your sisters! And when you look in the mirror see all of your sisters standing with you. Real beauty is totally contagious and you will catch it here on Laura's, Sweetie!!! BTW, have you ever seen an ugly dolphin?

Ricka

Oh, I am not beauiful, Ricka. Not anywhere close. So, if I am a proberbial dolphin surfing the waves with the pod, then yes, I am an ugly dolphin...

OK. Let me start here. I look like a man. What do I do? How do I not look like a man?

Help??

:cry:

[Sally]

Oh, I am not beauiful, Ricka. Not anywhere close. So, if I am a proberbial dolphin surfing the waves with the pod, then yes, I am an ugly dolphin...

OK. Let me start here. I look like a man. What do I do? How do I not look like a man?

Help??

:cry:

I don't believe for one minute that you are an ugly dolphin, you are a beautiful person but before others can see it you must believe it - I have always thought of myself as a man in a dress but when I met with my girl friends in Memphis back and stopped giving it so much thought that I was anything but a woman and everyone accepted me as a woman and they told me that I was beautiful as I started to believe I received confirmation when a man walked halfway across a parking lot to talk to me and really had no other reason than to just chat - I realized that as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to him he saw the happy and very open person that I have always yearned to be - people can tell how you feel without asking and when you are as ecstatic as I was it shows.

Believe in yourself, be confident and never be ashamed of who you are, you are beautiful if you believe you are.

I am too tall, too heavy and too old but I had a man go out of his way to talk to me and a waiter flirting with me through an entire dinner - fishing for a bigger tip of course but he helped me to feel good so I did tip him well.

There is nothing that can make you feel better than a positive attitude.

If I can pass, anyone can.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jennifer T]

Well, I met with the JH folks yesterday. I feel like I've totally lost whatever dignity I may have held onto. That is no fault of theirs. But to lay all my secrets, all the things I've kept so carefully guarded all my life, out in front of a whole group of people like that, well, it just seemed I was laid bare and there was no place in my head that I could retreat to.

And I still don't know where I am

I keep telling myself that my wife's love for me is strong enough to ride this out. That in the end, no matter what path I choose, she will be here. But after yesterday, I am not so sure. Or rather I am less sure than I was previously.

One of the things that Life has taught me is that it seems for men to be truly loved, they must sacrifice themselves. That according to tradition; according to the Biblical faith I believe in; according to history; a man will be called to lay himself down in order to prove he is worthy of anyone's love - God's, the woman's whom he loves, society's in general. And in that vein, for me to follow or reclaim my own heart, I will lose any worth in those eyes. I will lose whatever love is afforded me. I will lose all that I hold dear and ruin the lives of those whom I love.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Am reading CS Lewis' "Till We Have Faces". There is part of a conversation that takes place between Psyche and Orual that struck me when I read it last night.

Psyche (Explaining her first encounter with the god): "When I saw West-wind I was neither glad nor afraid (at first). I felt ashamed."

Orual: "But of what? Psyche, they hadn't stripped you naked or anything?"

Psyche: "No, no, Maia. Ashamed of looking like a mortal."

Orual: "But how could you help that?"

Psyche: "Don't you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can't help?"

Wow. I knew this feeling. When I sat before that team of gender specialists, this was an overwhelming feeling. I was suddenly, starkly aware of how male I appear and sound. And I was ashamed.

Just thoughts.

Ftr, I am not always such a downer. I'm sorry my posts come across so. This is just a difficult time for me now and I am trying to sort through my thoughts, my emotions, my life. I'll get through it.

Peace.