Jennifer's Heart

[Guest]

Hug. Jody

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thank you Angel and Jody! It is good to be home.

[Guest]

Thanx for the update, Jennifer.

Home is where we "hang our hats".

Congratulations on your new position with the new company.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Jennifer T]

And thank you, Joann. It's tough to make changes. But necessary sometimes!

Peace.

[gennee]

Hi Jennifer and welcome.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi Gennee! Thank you.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Father’s day weekend was emotional this year. Not that it isn’t emotional any other time, but this year was a little different. And it was also my anniversary this past weekend as well.

As I’ve mentioned before, my son knows about me, along with my wife. In fairly recent conversations, my son had informed me that his fiancé is aware of my situation as well. He didn’t give her minute details or anything, but he has told her. I’m OK with that. My daughter does not know.

Anyway, my daughter and our two grandchildren spent the week prior to Fathers Day with us. We had a wonderful visit. Anyway, before they left she gave me a card and it thanked me (much as those kinds of cards do) for being her dad. But in her own words she told me how much it has meant to her having me to be there and that she felt like I always understood her when no one else did. (She has always had a personality and temperament close to mine.) And she told me that no matter what she would always be my little girl. I cried.

My son gave me a card on Friday morning that had a lot to say concerning the father I have been to him. He thanked me for “being the role model he always needed” and he told me that during the intros at his internship they were asked to tell each other who their hero was. He told them that I was his hero and that there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. I cried again.

On Saturday my wife gave me her present. She had put a photo album/scrap book together for me highlighting the trip we did in 08 when I raced up Mt Washington. It’s a beautiful montage of the events (we made a travelling vacation out of it) surrounding the race and the race itself. On the last page of the album she had written a note to me. And it said, (in a few more words)

“T, I am so proud of what you accomplished during that race. It amazes me what you can do when you choose to commit to something and there is truly nothing you can’t do.”

I feel honored, but so unworthy of the accolades. My heart is Jennifer’s. And I want so desperately to let Jennifer be.

But Jennifer was never my daughter’s father and friend when she went through some tough teenage years. Jennifer wasn’t the man who praised her and told her how amazing she was as she became a most prominent young musician and accomplished things in her school years that many children can only dream of. Jennifer wasn’t the father that sat up with her all night when she cried over a broken heart.

Jennifer isn’t the man whose granddaughter squeals ‘Grandpa!’ when she comes to visit. Jennifer isn’t the man she sees and the person who helps her sneak cookies or tease her mother incessantly so she can get away with it. J

Jennifer wasn’t the father that told his son he could do anything he chose to in life or stood up for him when others wanted to try and bring him down because he was sensitive. Jennifer wasn’t the man who mentored him as he learned about what life is like in a masculine world and taught him how to risk and enjoy the rewards of accomplishments fought for and won. Jennifer wasn’t the dad who took up skateboarding in his middle age years (even with a degenerative disease that will eventually incapacitate him) so that he could be a part of his growing son’s world. Jennifer did not teach her son how to fight and how to survive in this world and how to love one woman passionately and completely; body and soul.

Jennifer wasn’t the husband that helped concieve two amazing people with his wife of 27 years and help raise them to become strong and passionate adults; adults who know who they are and love and live with convictions and are beginning their march through this world; this life. Jennifer wasn’t the man who held his wife through the tough times in her life; through the losses of loved ones and the bittersweet sadness that comes with watching your babies grow and fly from the nest. Jennifer wasn’t the man who held his emotions in check and stayed strong when all hell was breaking loose and was the rock she needed to rest on. Jennifer didn’t promise herself to be the one and only in her wife’s life. No, T did that.

Jennifer wasn’t this man.

So, how can I not be torn? How can I willingly tell them that their husband/father/grandfather is not who they believe he is? How can Jennifer come to this point in our life and ask so much of me? Why cannot Jennifer remain where she has been all these years and let T do what he has always done? Why must I have to be this anomaly who will ruin everything if I cannot still Jennifer?

God, this is disparaging.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thank you.

Bye.

[Guest angels wings]

Jennifer your pain is real lovey and we are here to listen be a shoulder to cry on and support you.this is not your fault lovey.you need to remember this.your family will still have you they can still love you and you love them none of that changes if they can accept .please stay strong dear friend we are here for you

Angel(((((((( hugs))))))

[MaryEllen]

I hear you Jennifer. Just know that we're here for you and we care.

MaryEllen

[JenniferB]

Jennifer, I am glad you are blessed with a family. All of us have difficult decisions we need to make. You have to do what is most important for you. There are members here who didn't transition because they loved their family more than becoming their true self. How much are you willing to risk? You must find that place where you can feel happy.

I hope eventually you will find the place where you can live in peace with yourself.

With Love,

Jenny

[Guest BeccaC]

Jennifer I do understand, Fathers day was pretty rough for me also.. I can only speak about myself though here. No matter how far I transition I will always be my daughters father. You say Jennifer wasn't the man that did all those things, but you say Jennifer is your heart.. Does that not also mean that Jennifer helped make you the father, grandfather and husband that you are? That she has been there the entire time helping you be a better person?

I truly believe that having Rebecca bottled up inside me all those years made me a better husband, father, brother, and friend.. The times that my wife, or children were hurting, either physically or emotionally, I believe that the compassion and patience that I was able to show was not Rob's, but Rebecca's compassion.. Being both Rob and Rebecca has always helped me to look at both sides of any argument, or problem, and be able to find middle ground..

This is much easier being said than done, but I think that being who we are, we have to blur that line between who we have been and who we truly are.. Nothing will ever change the love that I have for my family.. Becoming Rebecca will never change me being that Dad in the delivery room holding my newborns when they were minutes old. It wont make me not be the person who held them when they were hurt, the same person who would wipe away tears.. I know you think that T. and Jennifer are two separate persons, but have you stopped to consider that just maybe you are the same person just with two facets..

I hope my ramblings made sense, I really do.

Love

Rebecca.

[Michelle 2010]

hi Jen, sorry to see the goodbye. I just got to Lauras for the day and saw your post. I came out to my son last October btw..... My wife had known for years and recently walked... Now I am free to be me....

I'm probably close to your age and hid it all until three years ago, afraid and ashamed that people might find out... I was wrong about a lot. My fear was mostly in my head. What I told people was that the person they know was real, just that there was alot more to me they didn't know... Who you really are does not negate the wonderful things you have shared, the secret parts are simply an additional dimension. I attend church as myself. I entertain, etc. Everyone in my life of any importance knows exactly who i am. Out of 30-40 people I told, three have grown distant... not a bad batting average. and that doesn't include the church parishioners where i am embraced.

One thing I have discovered is that when I am ok with myself, those around me are likely to be too. If I am embarrassed, they will be. If I judge myself harshly, they may too, or look away in awkwardness at how I am treating myself....

I told my son about it in a san Fransisco motel room. I started by telling him that the three most important events in my life were becoming his father, joining a recovery group 8 years ago, and lastly, meeting with a Gender Therapist... that was the opening line to introducing him to my world... An hour later he simply told me all he wants is for me to be Happy.... It kinda choked me up, ya know...

There are alot of us who deal with this at a later age. It is what it is, right? You might be suprised at the reaction you get when you get real with yourself and those around you....

Oh, lastly, I think a powerful post like yours deserved its own topic. It may have gotten lost being on page 5... Maybe folks didn't check, thinking it was just another insight on a 5 page thread.... I cant say for sure, but I think it is why such an elequent post went unanswered...

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Jennifer T]

For the record, the "goodbye" comment wasn't because of responses or lack of response. It's about anger and frustration with myself - first because I can't seem to control all this and secondly because I share this stuff and then feel like I shouldn't. Please understand, until 09, this was never talked about with anyone except a counsellor with whom I only shared very limited info for a long time. And then all of a sudden, I'm throwing info out like crazy, feeling very vulnerable and getting upset and then pulling back. It's the same thing as purging. Crap. It's an awful cycle.

I sat down in front of the TV last night and turned on some MMA bouts. Tried to immerse myself in venues that made me masculine so many years ago. I make resolve to shut all this GID stuff down/ put it back in the closet. And I can't.

The "thank you" was sincere. You all let me write this. I thank you.

[Cyndee]

These posts ring so true for many of us Jennifer. Please know that Laura's is here for you and you are being heard. This post spans almost 4 years, and these feelings a lifetime. I had to put off the enivitable for others for so long, I hit the brick wall and jumped over it, I had to, I risked everything and by gosh here I sit legally female, with my name legally mine as of a few days ago, with my family still here with me, my wife of 28 + years and young adult daughters, my job of over 28 years still going, it can work, somehow, it can work for all, I think it takes faith, faith in ourselves, faith to be the best person we can possibly be no matter what. I hope you do find that balance Jennifer, an outlet, anything to ease this pain. It's sure hell, we know.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest Jennifer T]

Jennifer, I am glad you are blessed with a family. All of us have difficult decisions we need to make. You have to do what is most important for you. There are members here who didn't transition because they loved their family more than becoming their true self. How much are you willing to risk? You must find that place where you can feel happy.

I hope eventually you will find the place where you can live in peace with yourself.

With Love,

Jenny

Jenny, thank you. You're right, difficult decisions. And what am I willing to risk? I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

[Guest LizMarie]

Jennifer, I faced many of the same questions as I decided to come out and then transition. But I have always been "me" even if what I exposed to the world wasn't all of "me" nor presenting as I would have preferred. The realization that I, Liz, have always been present whenever he was present was liberating. "He" could not have dealt with many of the situations "He" faced unless "I" was there. And I have always been me, Liz, deep down inside.

For me the question became could I live the rest of my life as "him" and the answer was no. I do not want to go to my grave having only been known as "him" and no one knowing the real me. I do not want to hide behind doubts and self-loathing anymore. That was my choice.

I know your choice is yours and yours alone. You may not feel anything like I felt and I understand that but this was how I approached what was a similar situation. For me, transitioning means being able to be there if my children and grandchildren want me in their lives. And if not, that's their choice. But as "him" I was seriously thinking about ending everything and I wouldn't have been there for any of them in any way. Now at least they have that choice. And I have the chance to finally be me rather than what everyone else expected me to be.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Each of you have expressed something to me that I want to reply to. I started with Jennifer's. But have been buried here. I will get to it.

Thank you for sharing.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Jennifer I do understand, Fathers day was pretty rough for me also.. I can only speak about myself though here. No matter how far I transition I will always be my daughters father. You say Jennifer wasn't the man that did all those things, but you say Jennifer is your heart.. Does that not also mean that Jennifer helped make you the father, grandfather and husband that you are? That she has been there the entire time helping you be a better person?

I truly believe that having Rebecca bottled up inside me all those years made me a better husband, father, brother, and friend.. The times that my wife, or children were hurting, either physically or emotionally, I believe that the compassion and patience that I was able to show was not Rob's, but Rebecca's compassion.. Being both Rob and Rebecca has always helped me to look at both sides of any argument, or problem, and be able to find middle ground..

This is much easier being said than done, but I think that being who we are, we have to blur that line between who we have been and who we truly are.. Nothing will ever change the love that I have for my family.. Becoming Rebecca will never change me being that Dad in the delivery room holding my newborns when they were minutes old. It wont make me not be the person who held them when they were hurt, the same person who would wipe away tears.. I know you think that T. and Jennifer are two separate persons, but have you stopped to consider that just maybe you are the same person just with two facets..

I hope my ramblings made sense, I really do.

Love

Rebecca.

Hi Becca. It sounds like you have very blessed children. And it is good that you've made peace with Rob an Rebecca. I have no idea how to make T. and Jennifer the same person. T. became T. to protect Jennifer.

I know it may sounds silly to speak of the facets of myself as two different people. I know that deep down I am all that T. is and all that Jennifer ever dreamt of being. But one facet exists fully in this world. The other has been in an inner world since she was a young child. Since my childhood, noone has ever even seen her. So fully able was I to keep her discrete and protected.

I loved the picture you posted of your cousin and you when you were little. It brought back some stark memories of my own, and a time I truly miss.

Peace. Thank you.

[Guest Jennifer T]

hi Jen, sorry to see the goodbye. I just got to Lauras for the day and saw your post. I came out to my son last October btw..... My wife had known for years and recently walked... Now I am free to be me....

I'm probably close to your age and hid it all until three years ago, afraid and ashamed that people might find out... I was wrong about a lot. My fear was mostly in my head. What I told people was that the person they know was real, just that there was alot more to me they didn't know... Who you really are does not negate the wonderful things you have shared, the secret parts are simply an additional dimension. I attend church as myself. I entertain, etc. Everyone in my life of any importance knows exactly who i am. Out of 30-40 people I told, three have grown distant... not a bad batting average. and that doesn't include the church parishioners where i am embraced.

One thing I have discovered is that when I am ok with myself, those around me are likely to be too. If I am embarrassed, they will be. If I judge myself harshly, they may too, or look away in awkwardness at how I am treating myself....

I told my son about it in a san Fransisco motel room. I started by telling him that the three most important events in my life were becoming his father, joining a recovery group 8 years ago, and lastly, meeting with a Gender Therapist... that was the opening line to introducing him to my world... An hour later he simply told me all he wants is for me to be Happy.... It kinda choked me up, ya know...

There are alot of us who deal with this at a later age. It is what it is, right? You might be suprised at the reaction you get when you get real with yourself and those around you....

Oh, lastly, I think a powerful post like yours deserved its own topic. It may have gotten lost being on page 5... Maybe folks didn't check, thinking it was just another insight on a 5 page thread.... I cant say for sure, but I think it is why such an elequent post went unanswered...

Best wishes

Michelle

Hi Michelle. How do you present yourself to a world when you've been hidden for so long? My wife, even knowing, has never, ever seen Jennifer. She has never even seen the clothing that I kept and purged and bought again and purged again, etc. How did you?

Yes, it is what it is. It is. BUt I am not sure what it is, or what to do about it.

I posted it here with the intent that I would not impose issues in open forum on those who do not want to see them. I guess for me, if someone comes here and reads, they want to. Does that make sense? It's a place for Jennifer's heart.

[Guest Jennifer T]

These posts ring so true for many of us Jennifer. Please know that Laura's is here for you and you are being heard. This post spans almost 4 years, and these feelings a lifetime. I had to put off the enivitable for others for so long, I hit the brick wall and jumped over it, I had to, I risked everything and by gosh here I sit legally female, with my name legally mine as of a few days ago, with my family still here with me, my wife of 28 + years and young adult daughters, my job of over 28 years still going, it can work, somehow, it can work for all, I think it takes faith, faith in ourselves, faith to be the best person we can possibly be no matter what. I hope you do find that balance Jennifer, an outlet, anything to ease this pain. It's sure hell, we know.

Hugs

Cynthia -

Cynthia, congratulations!! I am truly excited for you.

[Michelle 2010]

Jennifer, here's pretty much how it went down....

Like you, I had an "agreement' that I could act out my 'dirty little secret". A couple times she tried to get involved and it was awkward for both of us and we didn't pursue it. Also, incidentally, I was heavy and totally non passable at the time so it was very difficult for her...

Fast forward years... as stated I went to a support group and started to get real. I had a few womens tee shirts that I got up the nerve to wear outside, including the trans meetings, but my hair was short and they looked kind of gay or body builderish... not femme, really.

When I decided to come out, I selected a few of the best photos of myself and put them on my phone(you do have photos right? After all, hows a closeted diva supposed to know how she's doing without a photo to tell her...). When I started telling friends, one on one, I would always show a couple of pictures to insure they did not deal with it as an abstract concept, that it was very real. The photos were good ones and the people were always impressed. Btew, I had no femme mannerisms and people were surprised but always supportive.

So the whole thing really, Jennifer, is about self acceptance, right? It got easier and easier to come out because of the support I got, and as I was less nervous and less tense, people took it more casually and still accepted it. I started overcoming my fear and shopped "new to me " stores, pretty tense, but forced myself to do it. It gets easier....

At some point I invited folks over for dinner to meet the "real" me... In my case the wife was part of the social events. Today, of course, we are divorced.... But the reality is I compromised who I was for most of a lifetime for someone who didn't accept the essence of who I was.... How sad it would have been for me to have been in an unsatisfactory marriage and never had the ability to become myself....

Today I present pretty femme in public, though without a bra since I am not on hrt. I have pretty much adapted the attitude that I don't care what people think. Long hair, earrings, smooth legs, let folks think what they want. I attend church as myself and averyone important to me knows anyway. so I pretty much don't worry about it.

If you have any questions feel free to pm me

Hugs

Michelle

[Charlize]

Jennifer i don't know how i missed this thread but am glad i found it. You have expressed in the longing for both sides of yourself what i've often felt. i think all of us have moments of doubts or maybe i feel that way because i do. I've been full time for over a year now and often forget the 'old' me. I was a guy for over 63 years. There are things i learned to love as a man that i might not have discovered as a cis woman. I still enjoy them and am accepting that little by little. It's ok to drive the tractor and use the backhoe in a skirt if i have too. I will never purge again. All my male clothes are gone. HRT is slowly working and i am enjoying the comfort of feeling more of the woman i am. My wife has grown in acceptance day by day. It is so great to have a friend to help my fashion choices. My son and most of my family are actually beginning to use the right pronouns at times. I don't know how i got here but somehow the fear and shame has gone for the most part. It comes out at times but it's mostly gone.

Things really changed for me on my 64th birthday when i told my wife i wanted her to go with me to get my ears pierced for my birthday. I think she was amazed that no one threw stones or even seemed to notice. Shortly afterwards i went to a relatives memorial service as a man. That was my last day as a 'Man'. I have to accept both parts of myself and am increasing finding that easier. Easy....no but little by little i've gotten honest.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi Michelle. No, there are no photos. I've only ever taken a handful. And destroyed them almost immediately.

I'm pretty ugly. They wouldn't help my cause, as yours have for you.

Sounds like coming out has been treating you very well. I am envious. -weak smile- sometimes I feel like the animal that has been caged too long - afraid to step out of the cage no matter how strong the longing for freedom is. The cage is all you know.

So if you're right and this whole thing truly is about self acceptance, I'm pretty screwed then.

Peace.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Charlie, I honestly dreamed about this last night, changing and my wife accepting me. It was a good dream