Don't Know What I Am.

[Guest Jessica?]

I am confused. I don't know if I am a cross dresser, or just weird. I remember when I was young and wanted to be a girl and remember praying to be a girl when I woke up before I went to sleep. I would think this classifies me as a transsexual? But I do not like men, I like woman, very much so. I am not disgusted with a male body, but want to be feminine badly. I have dressed in female clothes before probably around only 20 times. Obviously I am new and I just want to know if I even belong here because I can stand my male body very much so, but I also want to look like a woman. I also look a lot older and sound a lot older than I am. If anyone could help me out it would be VERY much appreciated.

P.S. I am only 16 if that helps anyone. (I don't think that there are any age limits for this site)

[MaryEllen]

Hi Jessica?,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. At the very least, it sounds like you are a crossdresser and perhaps more. Rest assured that you are welcome here. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask.

MaryEllen

[Guest Sandy]

Hi Jessica.....No you are not weird. But I can understand your confussion. I'm almost 50 and I'm still confused. When I was younger , about 6, I would put on my mothers petticoat, shoes and other things. I was playing dress up and loved it. Yet I did it without anyone knowing. So even at a young age, I knew it was something not approved of. Through my teen years, I would try to get panties from anywhere I could. I would have dreams that I was a girl and I wished that I never would wake up. I thought I was weird and very confused. I grew into a large guy by the time I graduated high school, I have always hated my size. I always acted tough, I wasn't, more of a gentle giant inside. I found the girl of my dreams my senior year and we married the year out of high school. 30 years and I love her even more. I stopped dressing for almost 25 years. But I loved to shop with my wife. I loved the mall, I loved to do anything the ladies liked to do. Yes, many times I dreamed of being a girl.I think the look of a mans hardware is ugly,there are times I wish I didn't have any either.(so being gay is not going to happen) But it can't happen, I love my wife to much. I guess you can say I love her more than myself. Five years ago I dressed up as a woman for Holloween and all my feelings came flooding back. I now have a small wardrobe and I wish I could go farther. A wig, breast forms, anything to feel like a woman. But I fight the urge, I will keep it mostly hidden. I will deny myself total happiness for love. Why am I telling you all this? You're young, you can be who you want. You have the internet, which I never did. I thought I was alone all those years and never had anyone to talk to. The world is changing and I think you have many more places to turn . Do not bottle it up, talk to people. If someone turns their back on you, talk to someone else. Everyone has a different story and I think the older ones of us wish we would have come out when we were your age. Everyone of us has a life to run, run it how you want it, not how others tell you to. Confused? If you read all this, you know I'm confused.

Good luck and best wishes

Sandy

[Guest Sally Stone]

Hi Jessica,

Please don't think you are weird; rest assurred that you are not! Even though I have been around for 50 years I remember fondly those childhood desires of wanting to be a girl. Like you, I would hope and dream that I'd awake one morning and find that I had become a girl.

Like you will have to do, I explored my feelings. When I was younger there wasn't much information regarding crossdressing and being transgender so my exploration took many years. With all of the information available these days, I suspect your journey to understanding who you are won't be take so long.

Please be patient as you explore. Don't be hasty in your desire to undertsand who or what you are. It is important you don't jump to conclusions because along your journey there will be plenty of uncertainty and you may find yourself re-evaluating yourself over and over. As I said before, I dreamed of being a girl. As a teeenager I wanted badly for that to happen. Later I was certain I was transsexual, and now, I know that I am a crossdresser. And I'm happy with that declaration. I'm happy, content, and enjoying life. Crossdressing is an important part of who I am. Had I gone with my initial feelings; however, I may have made an irreversible mistake. I'm glad i took the time to understand who I really was.

Don't rush your personal diagnosis. Take the time to really understand what your feelings inside are telling you. Most of all, don't try to sort out your feelings by yourself. The girls here can help, professionals can help also. Regardless of what you learn along the way, enjoy the journey. Being transgendered is truly a wonderful gift if you accept it. Ultimately, it won't matter where you find yourself on the transgendered spectrum as long as you are happy with that position.

Sally

[Guest o0tg0o]

I am confused. I don't know if I am a cross dresser, or just weird. I remember when I was young and wanted to be a girl and remember praying to be a girl when I woke up before I went to sleep. I would think this classifies me as a transsexual? But I do not like men, I like woman, very much so. I am not disgusted with a male body, but want to be feminine badly. I have dressed in female clothes before probably around only 20 times. Obviously I am new and I just want to know if I even belong here because I can stand my male body very much so, but I also want to look like a woman. I also look a lot older and sound a lot older than I am. If anyone could help me out it would be VERY much appreciated.

P.S. I am only 16 if that helps anyone. (I don't think that there are any age limits for this site)

Well for one, you're not weird...you are unique. Get that to your head first :-] We're all unique.

I think it was about your age or so where I began wondering if I was gay, and not transgendered. I think I was told it's like 50-50 whether your into girls or guys along with being transsexual.

hehe, "only" 20 times...that's far more then me so far.

I kinda built a tolerance for my male body...but it caught up on me now, at age 22. I just noticed a pattern when I was feeling miserable as a guy and I knew I won't last many more years as a man. X-D

Oh, and I was told I look older and sound older at your age too. Now people think I'm younger. I dunno what really did it either...I think it's because the baby fat changed distribution. X-D I think the real big difference was that I eat a lot better then I used to.

I dunno...you just have to be honest to yourself, but whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it properly...if you could somehow get a gender therapist, that'd be great. That's the first thing I'm going to be doing X-D I'm old enough...so I could get it myself, but for you, you might have to tell your parents that you might have a problem, and it depends on how comfortable and safe you feel coming out to them. That's totally up to you. If you do tell them, it might be a good idea to let them know that you want to see some sort of therapist to sort it out. It's a really hard thing. I mean, I had the same feeling since young too and I hid it super well until recently...and still at age 22, I have problems coming out to my parents at the moment.

Like everybody else said, don't be hasty at all. We know it's a difficult thing, but mmm, all the things I've done hasty that's related to this subject, I've been regretting them all. X-D Everything sane....err, properly done, I'm very happy. Hasty things can include self-medicating, going to the wrong type of people for support, whoring yourself out, doing illegal substances, hurting yourself, u know....i'm sure you're smart enough to figure what's probably not a good idea.

It helps if you can keep yourself positive too

[gennee]

Welcome to the forum, Jessica. You're not weird for starters.I thought that I was when I first got the urge to try on a skirt. I am a croosdresser and transgender. It sounds like you may be transsexual.

Keep posting to the forum because we will help all that we can.

Gennee

[Guest neil/verity]

hi there,,dont you worry about it,you have the right as a human being to be what you want to be

you are a very lucky person in that you are finding yourself early,,i was 12 when i started dressing

and i am now 32 and i am loving every minute,dont be scared just go with the flow,,,,

have fun

verity xx

[Guest savagedm]

I am confused. I don't know if I am a cross dresser, or just weird. I remember when I was young and wanted to be a girl and remember praying to be a girl when I woke up before I went to sleep. I would think this classifies me as a transsexual? But I do not like men, I like woman, very much so. I am not disgusted with a male body, but want to be feminine badly. I have dressed in female clothes before probably around only 20 times. Obviously I am new and I just want to know if I even belong here because I can stand my male body very much so, but I also want to look like a woman. I also look a lot older and sound a lot older than I am. If anyone could help me out it would be VERY much appreciated.

P.S. I am only 16 if that helps anyone. (I don't think that there are any age limits for this site)

Welcome Jessica?!

For starters you are at a very exciting and interesting time in your life! One thing you really have to look forward to is the next 7 will be even better than now. You may feel very and terribly confused about just "what" you are right now. The answer simply put is you are a normal person just like everyone else. I encourage you to do as much research on it as you possibly can. Do not jump to any conclusions about your sexuality as you might take a very bad turn down a path you will regret (I know I almost did!). Secondly, dont be afraid to explore the CDing aspect of your life. For some people such as myself, it is enough... for others it is not. Wherever you fall, understand that it is perfectly normal and acceptable.

I have spent considerable time reading testimonials of CDs and TGs alike, and both are pretty universal in that the majority of your fears are 100% in your head. Most people could really care less who you are and are content to let you live your life how you want so long as you dont mess up theirs. From what it sounds like you have strong CDing tendencies. This is a very good thing if you embrace it. It means you can flow from gender to gender and understand how both feel and will react. This is usually classified as androgynous (though it usually is coupled with crossdressing.)

Again you are always welcome on a site like this, we encourage you to read, ask questions and just explore your inner self as MUCH as you possibly can. Nobody knows you better than yourself, and only you can make yourself happy!

[Guest lucy]

hey jessica to be honest you are very much same as me i like my male body i like training but i'd prefere a female body. I have also worn womens clothes a few times too and loved it

i am a year younger than you.

[Guest Patricia]

Hi Jessica

This is a very difficult topic. A lot of have or have had guilt feelings.

Briefly, the CD desire we have seems to be something we are born with. Most CDs seem to realize what they are quite early on. It’s not going to go a way and from what I gather, there is no “cure” for it. About 3-5% of the male population in the US are CDs or have that inclination. The vast majority of CDs I have encountered on the Internet are very normal people, often successful professionals and raising normal families. You are in very good company and should not at all consider yourself weird. I have had feeling very similar to yours and also felt guilty. I finally learned after much too much time had passed that these feelings or being weird or guilty are very wrong.

You need to realize yourself as an individual with two aspects, a male and a female one. You need to express both of these. Expressing the male aspect comes easy, but expressing the female aspect, usually in the form of CD is more difficult. You should do this in any way your particular circumstance allows, such as dressing in closet. Going out and about en femme is an excellent way and much easier than you might think. You will be much happier and come to accept yourself better if you express your female aspect as just another normal aspect of your personality.

Getting involved in forums and chat rooms where you can meet similar people is a great help.

Patricia

[Guest SilverArrow]

Hey,

I shivered when you mentioned the wishing part. While I had completely forgotten about it until now, I actually did that years ago when I first started dressing up in private. Although I don't act like a girl and I'm not interested in guys (which means I'm a pretty average guy in public, albeit a little nerdy) sometimes I just wish I "fit" better with my dressing, if that makes sense. I started crossdressing soon as I hit puberty, and I still don't know where I stand on the subject, so you're definitely not alone in that area.

[Guest Steveanna]

[quote name='Jessica?'

Hi Jessica,

I think there are more MTF CD than what statistics show at this time. You are normal and OK to have feelings of questions about CD. A few years back, President Clinton required the military to change it's policies and came up with the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I call it being a "secret agent man". Others will "come out", what ever will give you the best positive results in your life is what I think you should consider to do. Press on.

Steveanna

[Guest Angie887]

you sound like i was too i remember praying to wake up as a girl too

[Guest Kim Smith]

Hi Jessica,

I am almost 50 and have wondered about what category I am in for years. In the end it is more important to understand what you want. And it sounds like you have a pretty good grip on that - you like women, but you want to be more feminine. Dressing is only one way to express that femininity (althouh I admit it is my favorite one!)

A book that has really helped me to raise my teenage son is "Real Boys" by William Pollack. It talks about the 'boy code' and how males in our society are taught from birth to only express certain emotions. It has really helped me as well to understand that part of what drives me is the desire to be more compassionate and caring for my fellow human beings, which society labels as a 'feminine' trait. (I hope this isn't seen as an advertisement - I'm new here)

The great thing about expressing your feminine side through your actions instead of your clothes is that most people who would never accept a crossdresser will accept a compassionate man. (And it can help you be more convincing when you do dress!)

One more piece of advice I have is also what I gave to my son - find others in your school who are like minded. Too many times we think we are strange or feel outcast and wind up alone, and that just increases the likelihood of being a target of bullies.

Take care of yourself girl! You sound like a great person. I hope we hear more from you!

Kim