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Guest insanitylives

A Question To Parents Of Transgendered Children

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Guest insanitylives   
Guest insanitylives

Did you suspect your kid was trans before they told you?

Now, obviously I'm not talking about the parents of children who said very young "I AM A GIRL" when they are physically male, or "I AM A BOY" when they are physically female. That's really hard to miss.

I mean if they came out in their teens, or older. Was it a total shock, or did it just explain a lot?

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Guest Anna_Banana   
Guest Anna_Banana

I am not a parent, but I can tell you what my parent said to my gender therapist: "It was a total shock!" Afterwards, there was a lot of crying and we simply don't talk about it because it always ends up being the same thing. In conclusion, my mother never suspected a thing and still doesn't quite believe it.

.Anna

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twinstar4   
twinstar4

It was a shock.

We were always perplexed and worried about her because she was unhappy and didn't "fit in"with peers in social scenes but we didn't ever think she was trans.

She was 15 when she told me. When I was able to process what she told me it all made sense.

And here we are now...I have one less son but one more daughter and she is the same sweet kid that I have loved since her birth except now she is a happy person with a future. I wish everyone in the world could see her for what she is...a person living as her true self.

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Guest again   
Guest again

We were very shocked when our son came out to us in his mid-twenties---we did not see it coming at all---but, the same as twinstar, everything made "sense" somehow once we knew and educated ourselves. Now we have a son who is happy and confident and looking forward to his life with enthusiasm.

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Raging Shadow   
Raging Shadow

my mom just thought i was gay. so she was kinda flabbergahsted (i KNOW that's not spelled right) but she works in the music industry(priciple of 2nd violin in the LA opera) and that lot is pretty accepting of just about everything. i got lucky, she was cool with it.

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Ryles_D   
Ryles_D

I think with most parents, any "that explains a lot" is accompanied by shock. It might explain stuff in retrospect- but it's still a suprrise when you first find out. I think that's the case with my parents- my dad had some indication because I asked him about getting an appointment with a gender therapist (kinda big clue :P) so he wasn't too shocked, but my mom defintiely is/was (year and a half later she's still not really gotten used to it :/ Slowly making progress, though :))

I haven't heard of any situation where the parents replied with "we knew/suspected as much" when the kid comes out as trans like sometimes happens when coming out as gay/bi.

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Sally   
Sally

My parents never had a clue, although I had left plenty, they chose as do most parents to see me as the boy I was born, I pretended to be him to please them and to preserve my safety in those unenlightened times (50's).

I hid my cross dressing and was never caught, I played sports and tried so hard to date women and seem 'normal' I even pretended to be happy - I apparently should receive an OSCAR or a lifetime achievement award for the body of work that was my life in my parents' eyes.

Although I was aided by the fact that parents want their child to be happy and 'normal' so that is what they see.

It was a shock to my mother and she has still not accepted that I could have survived for 57 years if this were true - why is easy but how is a mystery to me too.

So no, most parents never see it coming.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest bluelake   
Guest bluelake

Our daughter came out to us at age 15, and we were shocked. She didn't actually tell us outright. She was crying inconsolably one day, and I knew something was up. At that point, I thought, "she's trying to tell me she's gay," but she shook her head no when I asked her that question. When I guessed what she was trying to tell me (it's really the last thing I could think of), I didn't think she was going to say yes. In all honesty, before she told us, I thought we had a heterosexual son. We reassured our daughter that we love her and are here for her. Since then, I think we've tried to be supportive as we can - and I hope she sees it that way.

Transgender was not on our radar at all. My exposure was extremely limited, and I didn't understand it at all. I do remember thinking back to an Oprah interview with Jenny Boylan (probably 10 years ago), and how at the time I thought, "wow, she doesn't fit the stereotype at all." The memory of that interview was, and still is, very comforting to me. Jenny's story told me that it's possible for someone who is transgender to have a full, happy life.

In retrospect, there were incidents earlier in our daughter's life that seemed odd at the time, but now make total sense. I wish that years ago I had the knowledge that I have now - maybe we could have been more helpful to our daughter much sooner.

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Guest sarah f   
Guest sarah f

I think my mom knows but has never said anything to me. I always was into girly things as a child like I wanted to have my ear pierced at a very young age. I also think she had to notice that her clothes were not always back in the same place after I was wearing them. I always love to dress up. When I come out to her I expect that she will tell me that she always knew. She will probably be the first person I tell because she has always been understanding to me such as the earrings.

Sarah F

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meridian   
meridian

I was more surprised than I expected to be, since I felt that my child had gender issues. When he (at the time) began to be depressed, I asked more than once if he was gay and he adamantly said no. But as a young child she was kind of "gender fluid," using gendered pronouns at random, enjoying both typically male and female toys, etc. It did cross my mind once (though I don't remember the circumstances) that she could be transgendered. Then when she came out with it, I was surprised: I couldn't believe that what I had thought might be possible was actually true. But it took just a few moments for the shock to wear off. Then the job of accepting the reality began. She is much happier now (two years later), and back to the really warm, open, funny, smart, lively person she used to be. Coming out can be a very good thing.

Hugs,

Meridian

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Guest andreahilton   
Guest andreahilton

My dad already knew I was different and didn't exactly fit the "stereotype gay". When I told him, it all made sense to him and he is supportive though this. However, I don't exactly know what he thinks but I know what my step mother thinks. She know I'm trans but to her and "her opinion" I'm a boy who crossdresses and will be my whole life. She said it in a harsher way with words like "never a girl" etc.

I don't trust my step mother, she claims to be supportive and will help in any way she can but she have told me and I can see that I'm a boy to her and will be forever. Bleh.

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Guest praisedbeherhooves   
Guest praisedbeherhooves
Did you suspect your kid was trans before they told you?

Now, obviously I'm not talking about the parents of children who said very young "I AM A GIRL" when they are physically male, or "I AM A BOY" when they are physically female. That's really hard to miss.

I mean if they came out in their teens, or older. Was it a total shock, or did it just explain a lot?

Well, my mom was surprised but she said she sort of saw it coming to an extent because when I was younger I would randomly switch from calling myself a boy to calling myself both male and female, which I admittedly still do. xD

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Guest praisedbeherhooves   
Guest praisedbeherhooves

*just notices Sally's post* Oh my Poe! :o You lived in the 50s?! *hugs* You're a very brave woman.

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N. Jane   
N. Jane
*just notices Sally's post* Oh my Poe! :o You lived in the 50s?! *hugs* You're a very brave woman.

I hadn't commented because I was one of those who from childhood had been obvious but I also grew up in the 50's & 60's when no one knew anything about this so nobody knew what to make of it. It wasn't until 1966 when Dr. Benjamin's book came out that there was any kind of awareness and even then it was somewhat dismissed as quackery. I transitioned and had surgery in 1974 at the age of 24 and the most common comment in the town where I grew up was "Well now it makes sense!" My Dad knew it was coming but my Mom fought it every step of the way and disowned me when I transitioned. It wasn't "bravery" and it wasn't a choice - it was survival.

(Didn't mean to derail the thread! We now return you t our regularly scheduled program ;) )

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Guest anyushka   
Guest anyushka

My mother-in-law claims that she had no idea my partner and her other child were transgendered. You'd think the fact that the "boys" had to get girls' jeans in order for them to fit right might have been a clue.

As for my 13 year old. Having both an older brother and an older sister, he played with all kinds of toys and followed both of them around. It wasn't until he was trying to tell me something and couldn't that I asked him, "So, do we need to find a gender therapist for you now?" (Lee came out about three years after his other mom started HRT.) Lee described it to his therapist as "I thought that when you were little your parents got to say if you were a boy or a girl and when you grew up, you got to say what you wanted to be."

He has now been on Testosterone since October and the changes are incredible. I'm not talking about body/voice changes. His depression is so close to gone that his therapist was shocked. No rage issues but, DANG, has the boy gotten over-protective and bossy. (I had two major surgeries in November, so maybe he has a little excuse.)

anyushka

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Guest BlakeLikesAnime   
Guest BlakeLikesAnime

This is really old, aha. xD Anyway, I still haven't told my mom. But she asks me. So I think she knows.

I'm 14 btw.

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Guest Shining Blue   
Guest Shining Blue

im 16, i recently came out to my parents. it was a great shock to my mother according to her.

my father on the other hand said that he already knew and understood.

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Guest Mina89   
Guest Mina89

21. Disowned. Regularly harassed by so-called family.

Anathema.

-Valerie

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Guest anyushka   
Guest anyushka

Hugs to each of you. As a parent I really don't understand why parents turn their backs on their kids. My partner was very close to her mother prior to transition and a bit distant from her father. Since transition the complete opposite is true.

Nope, don't understand.

hugs,

anyushka

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N. Jane   
N. Jane

It was obvious from early childhood that I was "different", obvious to everyone in the small town where I grew up but in the 1950's nobody had any idea what exactly was different about me. My (adopted) mother was a believer in the "ignore it and it will go away" method of (not) dealing with things but as a child and a teen, I needed parental support for everything so that just drove me to be confrontational and pushy (both against my nature). My (adopted) Dad was much more tolerant but there wasn't much he could do except keep me away from my sociopathic mother as much as possible.

There was never any shock though because it was never a secret, not from anyone but my mother's opposition, her insistence that I was delusional, just made life miserable and any supportive medical care I found was opposed by my mother. When I came of legal age and found a doctor who would do surgery (1974) it caused a horrendous fight, I was thrown out, disowned, and banished from my home and my home town. As people learned what had become of me the universal response was "Now THAT makes sense!" but my mother's denial never wavered.

I only ever saw my father twice after that, both times under the protection of my husband, and his death was hidden from me until after the funeral. After he passed, I never went home again.

In the 37 years since I left home, I have had a wonderful life. I became more of a person than I ever dreamed - I became the kind of person my parents could have been SO proud of, but they never knew me and that was by my mother's own choice.

Parents who cling to their perception of what they THINK their child is/should be rob everyone of the joy of watching their child grow into a full and complete human being.

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(Lightsider)   
(Lightsider)

Mine was interesting. My mother had a clue by the time I was 5 and my Dad was clueless and still remains a clueless to this day. He is Spanish / Mexican and has this machismo thing going. We have not spoken in over 4 years since I told him. He is now in his 70's and will never change. My mother passed away some years back. I am thinking my Dad and will never share another word again and he will pass away soon. And I will not attend his funeral.

My Mother once said that even though she knew I was actually female that coming to terms with the reality was like a death of a person she once knew. It was hard on her but she wanted me to be happy. I wish she could see me now.

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Guest Riana   
Guest Riana

I came out to my mother almost the same day I came out to myself. That was a big mistake. I wasn't ready to face her doubts because I was still a mess myself. But she is slowly adjusting to the idea although she is still very much in denial at times. The relationship is strained, but we somehow manage. My mother said she always knew something was there, but she suspected I was gay or something like that. She didn't see a gender problem coming at all, and yet she said somehow she knew.

My dad said he was supportive at first but then completely turned around and said it was rediculous, which he stuck to ever since. The last time we talked about it he said I have never been anything but a boy to him, and his only worry is that a gender therapist would not tell me right in the face that I was being stupid. And he accused me of not wanting to face the truth and only hearing what I want to hear (he would probably say the same about this forum, since he considers everyone on the internet to be fake). Since then I haven't talked to him about my gender at all, I feel that he wasted the chance to be a part of it.

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Guest Starlight53a   
Guest Starlight53a

My mum said like three days ago that she thought that there was no way that I could "be a boy in a girl's body", but now she seems to be of the opinion that I might be going through a phase, or I may be transgender. I don't know either, so that's fine. :P

But she said that there's no way I can go on hormones or anything like that until I'm at least 21. :( And apparently we don't have enough money to go to a gender therapist yet.

She didn't seem shocked as such, but she also didn't seem as if that explained anything. So I guess she was neutral?

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Guest Omagdi   
Guest Omagdi

In my mind, I am a heterosexual male. My parents had plenty of warning. I said I was a "boy" since I was four years old. I had a crush on a little girl when I was seven years old. At first, they excused it as part of my autism. It never went away.

In my teenage years, I refused to wear a dress, and I always frowned in every picture. I destroyed feminine photos of myself. When I started puberty, I had a mental breakdown/out of body experiences and was sent to the hospital. I dressed like a male in my senior year of high school. My dad was so sick of it he forced me to dress feminine and like boys. After that, I had another mental breakdown. I went to the hospital again saying over and over "I am a boy" and refusing to be called by my feminine name.

Even after all of that my parents were still shocked when I told them. You can never win.

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Guest 66Cassie   
Guest 66Cassie

It never ever crossed my mind. As a freshman in high school (the only year he attended high school) he joined the Gay Straight Alliance. He made signs for our front yard opposing Prop 8 (the ban on Gay marriage in California). If anything, I considered the idea that C was a lesbian. And a liberal, which he is, can't tell you how proud that makes me. I knew there was a restless dissatisfaction with his life and a huge longing towards independance.

There wasn't any overt rejection of all things female and I kind of figured that i should just "leave the door open" until C was ready to let me know. I'm glad I know now. I'd hate to think of my kid going through life desperately unhappy and limited in his complete expression of himself.

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