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Guest Lynnx

No-ho/no-op Forum

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Guest Kai Reddtail

I want top surgery and a hysterectomy someday, but thats it.

I don't want to bother with bottom surgery because:

1) Not having the male lower parts doesn't bother me that much.

2) The examples I've seen of the results aren't satisfactory for me. It's definitely not worth the amount of surgeries and money it would take. (Please note this is only my opinion and not meant to offend anyone who actually has/had plans to have bottom surgery, It just personally wouldn't be right for me.)

And no hormones for moi, unless they magically create a way to pick and choose which effects you do and don't want (the possbility of balding for starters.)

I'm hopeful I can pass regardless.

Nice to see some others here!

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Guest sienna

This totally fits me. Having real boobs and curves would be so amazing, not to mention other traits. I'm not completely against hormones, but it's very unlikely I would get to a point to take them. Bottom surgery doesn't seem a big concern for me. I just have to deal with what I've been given and be cool with that. I would love to be able to just pass. It's like this middle ground where I'm trapped between what I was born as [male], what I wish I could be [woman] and where I must be [~]. It's such an agonizing balance sometimes. I have a family I love and support. I know I'm too picky to ever be happy with any ho op results. My wife is totally supportive and I thank her for that. It helps beyond what words can describe. Prayer does keep me going.

sienna

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Guest jennifer normal

You will probably sometime begin hormones in the future if you are amazed by breast. I think for me I transitioned and wish I had earlier. It sounds like your the perfect position to proceed or not and very fortunate and very fortunate to have someone at your side. Good Luck Either Way. Jennifer

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Guest stranger

I wish I had a micropenis and big muscles, but both grand-dads were almost completely bald, and I have great hair!

And if I bothered to get a more high-impact sports bra, my chest would be pretty invisible-it's small.

So, chances are, I'll just be using weight training and whatnot, get what muscles I can without T, and live with my wish for a micropenis and a scraggy little beardlet unfulfilled-and note...if I were to physically transition to anything...it would be to an explicitly intersexual state of some sort.

I'm not a man, I'm not a woman, I'm an androgyne, a third-gender.

(Now if I could only get legal recognition for same!)

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Guest kelise

If this was a forum, I'd start a new topic for this, but instead, I'll have to make it a post.

Reading this over, something occurred to me. In another thread, we discussed and scrutinized people who made the choice to physically transition for the wrong reasons. As we all know, There are very good and very bad reasons to physically transition. That said, couldn't the logic be flipped to say there are very good and very bad reasons to NOT physically transition? For example, in my opinion, medical risk barriers, androgynous gender feelings, and comfort in one's physical birth-sex body are GOOD reasons to NOT physically transition, however, I'd say FEAR of transitioning, family resistance or other outside influence, and desire for children would be a BAD reason for NOT physically transitioning. (The third one because I'm a HUGE advocate for adoption and there are means of preserving genetic material if passing on one's own genes are really important to you, not to mention the massive human overpopulation crisis we're in that no one ever wants to talk about.)

I just think equal caution should be placed on the decision to NOT physically transition as the decision TO physically transition.

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CyndiRae

This Rocks !

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Guest Tomgirl

For a lot of transsexual people going through a transition process is quite a matter of life or suicide. For a lot of crossdressers, being dressed as the opposite sex from time to time is quite an achievement.

As an ordinary transgender person my own desire for a real transition is strong but not as strong as it is for most transsexual people. I would enjoy being a female but do not want to go through a transition process as it is nowadays. On the other side, I do not want to crossdress from time to time. I do not want as well to wear something fake like breast forms or a wig. I shave only my beard and I do not even wear jewellery or use cosmetic and perfume (do not feel yet ready for that).

I do feel myself far more feminine than masculine and do not really match with my genetic gender (I do not mean that I deny my masculinity which is real, just my male side is less important than my female side) and need to express daily my own feminine side.

So what may I do to express my femininity? I just have the possibility to dress myself in a feminine way as much as I can without being ridiculous. I do wear daily a mix of male, unisex and female clothes and have long hair, in search of an androgynous appearance, (I would of course prefer a female appearance but would not pass anyway, I have a better chance to pass as androgynous, after all my Cogiati test result is androgynous).

Science is progressing so the transition process may get some improvement in the next years. Why not imagining a way to enhance our nearly disappeared Müllerian ducts and to make regress the Wolffian ducts system. May be if one year science have done some significant progress, I may enter in a transition phase. Actually the difficulties, the risks and the imperfections of the actual MtF transition process are still an obstacle in my point of view

So my choice is to be still non op non ho (even if I do take a *** mg pill of dutasteride every week to block the appearance of ear hair).

Edited by Tomgirl
dosage amount removed per T&C

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KieranD

I currently identify myself as non-op. After binding my chest doesn't really bother me that much. I think that once I've got my wookiee like body going on that it'll be even less bothersome. I've weighed the pros and cons of chest surgery and for right now, and the short term there are too many cons and not enough pros. Maybe I'll change my mind further down the road, I don't know.

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Guest cindi

I was a transgender as long as i can remember and on hormones since the i970's on and off until 2000 and then i took hormones regular . I have almost a Bcup, my problem is that i am sill in the closet. I am a 85years and would love to have the operation. i am very fustrated and depressed. I have no friends to talk too. I would like to make friends . I live in San diego CA. Hugs cindi

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Guest cerise

I have little choice but to go the no ho non opp way . I also believe there is a good chance I would have if I could live as a woman if I was not tall and could pull it off . Sometimes it takes someone else to tell you what you want and it did come from my wife and she said just that .

I don't think that because my choice is to remain as I am makes me any less trans and have a certain amount of "wish I could do that" when I see someone going through with SRS and HRT.

What remains is to be as much of a woman as I can and live as much as i can as Cerise as I can .

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Guest Julie T

I have little choice but to go the no ho non opp way . I also believe there is a good chance I would have if I could live as a woman if I was not tall and could pull it off . Sometimes it takes someone else to tell you what you want and it did come from my wife and she said just that .

I don't think that because my choice is to remain as I am makes me any less trans and have a certain amount of "wish I could do that" when I see someone going through with SRS and HRT.

What remains is to be as much of a woman as I can and live as much as i can as Cerise as I can .

Cerise, and all the others here

I don't think choosing to use, or not to use the transition options, especially HRT and SRS, has any relevance to being gender dysphoric, trangendered or especially transsexual. What you are in you core has little to do with how you should be seen or labeled? I mean you are what you are.

My path is different, but so has my life been different from yours. I was blessed with the opportunity to go on HRT. It cost me just about everything, but by doing so I found myself at last. My therapist always told me to go to my comfort zone, and I did.

I hope you too are comfortable as you are and I wholly respect you, all of you.

Julie

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Guest cerise

Clarification on my post .

It was my wife (former) who said after an incident that it was more than crossdressing and that I would probably transition completely if I could pass.

As far a dysphoric , yes , since I was around 9 is my earliest memory and other than a brief dormant period or slightly below the surface until around 13 or 14, I have been dysphoric since then .

In thinking about it , before even liking girls .

What is interesting to note is that lately (like in the last few months) I have been happy in my own skin but I attribute it to following my feelings in the pursuit of being Cerise in whatever way , at whatever time I can.

As was said it's about more than the clothes although the clothes are a portal through which I can express and bringing myself into focus .

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JJ

Cindi

Welcome to Laura's! You have come to the right place to find friends and share. We also have quite a few California members who may know of support groups in your area that are friendly

Why don't you post an introduction in the introductions forum where many more people will have a chance to see it and welcome you?

Here is a link. http://www.lauras-pl...php?showforum=6

Hugs

Johnny

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JJ

Cerise,

While I don't think height or even appearance should keep anyone from transitioning if that is their dream because I have seen numerous women well over 6 feet who pass completely all the time-there is just so much more to it than appearance-I also respect that transitioning is an individual choice each of us must make for themselves. And we are trans regardless of how we live or lives or dress.

I don't now nor have I ever understood the "You're not really trans unless you transition" school of thought except as part of the darker side of human nature where people are looking for ways to make themselves feel superior at someone else's expense.

This is your life. You know who and what you are and you are entitled to live it as you see fit. As long as you do not harm others. The real shame is that people don't always regognize that is the basic meaning of and foundation for freedom.

Do what is right for you where you are in your life!

Hugs

Johnny

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Guest JeanVier

Hello, everyone-- this is my first post in awhile, after taking time to think, reflect, and work out how I identify...

I identify as a transman, and, while I recognise that I am in a "female" body, I identify fully and completely as a guy. When I started reading about trans* identities and stories, it seemed like the only path was come out -> start T -> get top surgery -> be a Transitioned Man-- and for awhile I thought that would also be my path, but I've decided to be no-op and no-ho.

If I am a man, and I have this body, than this body is a man's body (however unique from other lads' it may be)-- a syllogism easier said than done! Still, after being on psychological medications and female hormones (the 'pill') for my adolescence and teenage years, I have a distrust of medicine-- I've been completely chemical-free for three months, and I enjoy that. I like knowing that my mood is not because of some pill, and that I am experiencing myself more naturally and completely than ever before. I don't want to commit to taking another medicine for the rest of my life, and I would be uncomfortable to think/feel/believe that my manliness came from a bottle. As for surgery, it's just too expensive.

I guess I am blessed with what I was given at birth, being 5'10" and small in the chest are major advantages. I am a bit spindly, but testosterone would never make me a Muscle Man, so I should get myself to the gym and get some definition. And, my voice-- I wish to the gods that it was lower, but I want to start using the vocal exercises on youtube to help train-- so much of voice intonation, pitch, and sound is taught, and I can work to make it more masculine.

I know this is a minority opinion, and I only speak for my own experience, but-- it makes me sad to read about young guys who say, "I identify as FTM, I've come out to friends and family, and I am pre-transition," or for people to say no-ho/no-op = no transition. My transition began when I first questioned my gender identity, and it really got underway when I decided that I identified as a transgender man. Talk about a true (mental, psychological) transition! And to tell my family, partner, and friends? Another major (social) transition! Taking hormones does not necessarily begin one's transition, nor does getting surgery, and I wish more people realised or considered this.

I am a transgender man, and I am two years into my transition-- and it is very, very hard sometimes, but with my partner, my family, and my friends here at Laura's, I can-- and will-- keep doing it.

-JV

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Guest Lilith

I am not happy the way things are, but I believe I can manage and transitioning doesn't feel like an option.

Figuratively.. When thinking about it, I see it as a dark, rocky tunnel, which grows darker, the deeper you

go, it would be painfull to go in, and while there might be light at the end (though I can't see it), based on

what I see when I look at my self and what I know about the capabilities of current medical technologies, I

can't imagine that light as being all that bright in my case... And I am not sure if I would even make it all

the way through, I could endup lost in the pitch black darkness...

I suppose its possible my mind is going to evolve to a point, where I have no choise, but as long as I feel

I can stay out, I am staying out...

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Guest kelise

I am not happy the way things are, but I believe I can manage and transitioning doesn't feel like an option.

Figuratively.. When thinking about it, I see it as a dark, rocky tunnel, which grows darker, the deeper you

go, it would be painfull to go in, and while there might be light at the end (though I can't see it), based on

what I see when I look at my self and what I know about the capabilities of current medical technologies, I

can't imagine that light as being all that bright in my case... And I am not sure if I would even make it all

the way through, I could endup lost in the pitch black darkness...

I suppose its possible my mind is going to evolve to a point, where I have no choise, but as long as I feel

I can stay out, I am staying out...

If you wouldn't mind explaining your meaning behind this, I may be able to shed some light. There were many things I didn't know the modern surgical technique would give me (and was I pleasantly surprised!) Of course, I may be way of base, and you may be refferring to something completely different, but I don't want to see someone reject transition because they don't expect a procedure to give them something it actually can.

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Guest Lilith

....based on what I see when I look at my self and what I know about the capabilities of current medical technologies, I can't imagine that light as being all that bright in my case...

If you wouldn't mind explaining your meaning behind this...

Well... My desires go beyond what current (and also any foreseeable) technologies could give I think...

But anyway, I am big... I have a big, heavy and wide skeletal frame, which definitely don't fit my mental

image of what I would like to be, and as far as I know there isn't anything that can be done about that.

My feet are also massive, its difficult enough to find mens shoes that fit, let alone womens shoes, and

there isn't anything that can be done here either I think. And tmy face, strongly defined, big nose, big

jaw, everything really.. I can't see how you could dig up womans face out from mine... I do remember

reading about some rather extensive changes that can be done with the face, shaving bones here

and there but... I just can't imagine satisfactory result...

Lack of faith in satisfactory outcome is a big obstacle in the way of any thought about transitioning,

big enought to hold on its own, but it is not the only one though...

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Guest Svenna

I seriously considered the no-ho, no-op approach before coming out to my spouse. I am a very tall bio-male with large appendages also. My spouse told me I'd be an ugly woman, too. And so what if I am an ugly woman in her eyes? I am already an ugly woman in this man body, what could be worse?

What I finally realized is that my own sexism was delaying my long overdue physical transition. I too believed that if I can't be a BEAUTIFUL woman, then I better not even try to be a woman at all. Or else! Or else what? Or else I'll be teased, harassed and maybe even assaulted. Know what? I finally realized that I was letting fear of everything prevent me from achieving my goals and being true to my own self. This realization actually caused me REAL shame. Knowing that I was giving in and accepting a crappy life, the same crappy life I've been leading, in order to please the supposed expectations of others, instead of using the knowledge and experience that god gave me to make my life actually work. What a crying shame I've wasted so much time waffling already. Time is not making me a better man, it is making me an older woman in an aging man's body...

It may very well be that others may have different levels of dysphoria and that the sacrifice of going no-ho and no-op makes perfect sense. It may also be that many choose to continue to suffer more than necessary out of fear of rejection, fear of the unkown, or an ingrained bias against being anything less than a beautiful woman. I hope those that are delaying and/or avoiding further transition out of misplaced fears and a lack of information get the help they need. I also commend those that suffice nicely in a no-ho no-op reality. My best guess is that a LOT of MTFs are like myself and delay transition as long as humanly possible only to eventually realize the error of taking the easier path. I can't speak for anybody but myself, and I am FAR from finished with my own journey, but I can certainly understand the pressure to remain hidden and secretive forever.

Best wishes to all, Svenna

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Guest Lilith

About that social/bodily dysphoria division...

I think I "feel" bodily dysphoria... I say I Think I feel because, technically I don't know what I feel, if anything (result of depression I have had for

long time I think), but I know I dream and fantasise actively and passively about being a girl/woman... I wish I could have the kind of body I have

in my dreams, I wish I had been born as a girl, I wish I could be "reborn" as a girl, I wish and wish and wish...

On the other hand I don't recognize much social dysphoria in my life, people see me as a man, treat me as a man, and I think I am comfortable

with it and when I imagine my self as a woman, and being treated as such, I think I am perfectly confortable with that too... I don't believe the way

how I want to be perceived by others is in any way linked to any internal gender identity...

But when I think about, what if I were to transition... I imagine the result would be far from perfect and the bodily dysphoria would undoubtedly

remain (maybe diminished but still), and the fact that I am sure my body couldn't possibly pass would flip the situation upside down and induce

significal feelings of social dysphoria...

Soo... No... I can't see transitioning as an option unless something... big happens...

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Guest Evekin

I'm currently undecided on whether or not to get surgery, but I have definately considered living without it and at least for now its looking that way, but who knows I could change my mind in the future, I'm still young, only 22. I identify as a lesbian female, born male bodied, my mannerisms/behavior is pretty masculine but I just see myself as a tomboy, I tend to dress androgynous but I do have long hair and often do pass as female as long as I don't speak. I have a super low voice >< but I'm working on that.

My parents are homophobic/transphobic, it could be a while before I ever let them know especially since I'm still living with them, but all my friends are really supportive.

I would say I have more social dysphoria than body dysphoria, but it's still there to an extent. I've already started electrolysis on my face, I just can't deal with the facial hair/body hair. As for bottom surgery I'm worried about certain risks/complications and especially ending up with something less than I'd have if I were just born with the right parts, not to mention I could never mother children, I mean even if I decided not to have kids, I feel as though I should have the option of giving birth but I guess nature just decided I shouldn't have it. I may still go on HRT, I feel that maybe I don't have to go all the way to be happy, and that at least going that far I might be fine, but again who knows.

Like many of you have already said, unless it comes to life and death, or something big, I most likely won't get SRS. However if someone has a magic pill that will give me a biologically female body instantly, I will give you my life savings, and my car, and w/e else I can sell lol :D

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Guest Kael147

Hey All,

I thought I could go through life without hormones or surgery, but as I got older it just got harder and harder to live in my skin. When I had a better disguise (ex-military) it was easier, but now I just can't live like this any longer. I hope it works for you folks, but keep in mind, that you can change your mind! My two cents!

Kael

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Guest Juniper Blue

I am not sure where I fall here ... but I do not wish to have surgeries or take hormones. My deep sense is that I am genetically inter-sexed and I am certainly androgynous.

I do seem to have many of the traits and life experiences that trans men express. I experienced a "boyhood" with my twin brother. I was the more masculine twin. I am very masculine in my appearance and manner to this day.

I have body dysphoria to a moderate degree ... it was severe in my childhood.

I have had surgeries due to medical conditions (other than GID.) I have had a supra-cervical hysterectomy ( I still have a cervix [ I wanted to keep it ] but I now have no upper uterus and I no longer menstruate [thankfully]. ) Two years after the supra-cervical hysterectomy, I had a right oopherectomy due to a large endometrial cyst ( removal of right ovary but I have a left ovary, at the moment, that may also eventually need to be removed because of endometrial cysts but I am trying to keep it as long as possible .. to keep the estrogen) The surgeries were not avaoidable due to endometriosis( a congenital [from birth]condition and very large uterine fibroids which were the result of an estrogen dominate hormone imbalance. I am scheduled for a double mastectomy this month to treat severe cystic breasts and a condition related to a micro adenoma that produces excess prolactin. ( that's alot of medical stuff but you can see where I might suspect and inter-sexed condition.)

I am not trans but my body is??

I still have medical questions but I know and it has been confirmed that I have a congenital endocrine disorder, congenital endometriosis and related hormone imbalances, also a prolactin producing pituitary micro-adenoma. Lucky me.

Now ... this part is really crazy ... I have a twin brother!!

This sounds so bizzare doesn't it ... but this is my life and this is my body.

Now here is the part that may seem especially perplexing to many trans people. I do not wish to take T. I do not want to live as a man. I want the rights and freedoms of living as an equal, even like a man might live in many ways ... but I feel very androgynous and I value my feminine characteristics. I also do not wish to be tied to any gender role ... I want to remain fluid. I enjoy a balanced gender relationship with my partner as well. If anyone is the "man of the house", it is she ... although she is the most beautiful "man" I have ever met, if this is the case. ( My partner is a feminine cis-famale and is pansexual.)

( This part is a bit more "adult" : Physically, I do not wish to grow a beard, pack or have a penis ... I also do not use this type of gear "romantically" I have no rhythm whatsoever and no interest in this "pursuit" ( my partner is also not into this.) I do not bind my breasts although they do annoy me. I did bind once for a photo shoot wher a freind dressed me in darg 9 male and female drag) and had me marry myslef. But this was my only experince with binding. Binding seems very uncomfortable (and hot) and I am not sure how great it would be for my lymph system etc. either.

Kind of trans stuff physcially: I would be open to having more muscle and male type body-fat distribution, if ( I could avoid the pot belly.) Interestingly, I am very strong physically and I easily put on muscle. I feel happy when I think about having a flat chest even though I am dreading the surgery.

My most pressing concern with (even a low dose) of T is the health risks. I am very into health and fitness ... most people would consider my healthy life-style kind of extreme. LOL. I eat only organic foods and I think that things like Barley Grass and Maca are fun and exciting "treats" to add to my uber-healthy nutrition shake.

I also admire strong women and they have been my most influential role models ... most of my friends are men but generally, I admire the virtues of my women friends and strive to be more like them in many ways ... just not physically. I live as an androgynous woman in my daily life ... I am masculine and strong and I am often seen as a man by strangers ... I am sure this will happen more after the double mastectomy. Still, I wish to continue to live as woman ... as a woman equal to men in every way.

I guess that makes me No-ho?????

I do not identify as trans or as inter-sexed ... although this is a label that is often atttched to me. I identify as Androgynous, I am gender fluid and I supect that I may be genetically inter-sexed. I think of my gender as the "Third Sex" or "Middle Sex." I think that there have always been people in the world like this ... I think that it is a natural gender variance. I understand the term nad politcial concept of "Gender Queer" but for me, beimg androgynous is just about being myslef ... there is nothing queer about it.

One final note. I fully support trans men and trans women (and the trans community in general) and I will fight for trans equality just as I fight for all Human Rights.

Best to ALL,

- J

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Guest Juniper Blue

I think it would be cool to have a no-ho forum because there are so many of us who cannot afford, medically handle or simply do not want surgeries or synthetic hormones. I feel awkward talking about my personal views on this in the general forum because I feel that I must always make it very clear that my thoughts pertain to my situation specifically and that I fully support the decisions of others. It is very easy to write something that may come across differently than my intention ... I spend a lot of time trying to explain myself or clarify something that another person finds offensive when communicating about sensitive issues like no-ho or even gender pronouns and gender roles. A separate forum woudl make it clear that the conversations are not directed at those who wish to transition with SRS and/or HRT.

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Guest Janice Lynn

There are many reasons why a transsexual might choose not to transition. I was in transition

25 years ago but ultimately came to the conclusion that I could not deal with all of the likely

and possible loss of friends, family, and certain loss of a career choice. It was a traumatic

experience to realize that while your body is undergoing the changes you have always

wanted, the end result would be catastrophic. I needed as much help therapeutically in

making this decision as I did in coming to the conclusion that I needed to transition because

it meant finding ways of coping.

That was 25 years ago and I am still dealing with the issue of coping and surely explains

why I have found my way to Laura's Playground, though it was my wife who stumbled onto

the site and sent me the link. I hope this forum will bring us out of a different kind of

closet and allow us to share thoughts and feelings and ideas as to how to live happier and

fuller lives.

Love and hugs to you all!

Janice Lynn

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      Hello Alice,   Welcome to TransPulse.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.   Although you say you're opposed to seeing a gender therapist, that is something you really should do. He or she could help you get out of this depression you're in and set you on a path toward finding a solution to your trans issues.    MaryEllen
    • Nihil
      I am currently reading The Brothers Karamazov. Written by the legendary Russian author Dostoievsky, it tells the story of a despicable man who spent his entire existence indulging in sex and debauchery while manipulating others (especially his wives) and the murder committed by one of four sons (one of them is an illegitimated son). It's probably one of the most mesmerizing novels I've ever read in my life. I have already been fascinated by Dostoievsky's works (Notes from Underground, Crime and Punishment, The Idiot, The Demons) but The Brothers Karamazov shows the Russian author at the peak of his talent. I can't wait to continue this long story.    I also finished recently Novel With Cocaine another Russian book written by a mysterious whose identity has been hidden for many, many years (he used the name M. Aguéev when he wrote his book but his real name is in fact Mark Levi). This masterpiece depicts wonderfully the downright spiral of a young teenager in cocaine after his failed relationship with a woman he was insanely in love with. It's extremely gloomy and deprived from any glimpse of hope as ephemeral as it is, and it's written in a disillusioned style that makes the novel strangely fascinating. Vadim, the main character of this book, is someone quite detestable.
    • Nihil
      Hi everyone,    Since I am new there (I just created an account this night), I thought it'd be wise of me to create a thread in order to introduce myself and to talk about my wonderful, idyllic existence. First of all I wanted to clarify one thing : I am not a native speaker. Therefore I apologize in advance if my writing style might be a little confusing for those who are going to read me. However I will try to be as understandable as possible. My current nickname is Nihil but the name's Alice. Feel free to call me whatever you want. I am a young transgender woman from France who is still in her twenties and, surprise, is struggling with a dysfunctional mental health due to her depression and her gender identity issues.    During my childhood I have always felt something was wrong with me. Being born in a family that was the total opposite of who I was deep down I've been aware at an early age about the excruciating gap between my mind and this body that was supposed to be me. I didn't relate with the gender that I've been assigned to me at my birth. I didn't understand concepts such as manliness my father was so proud to exhibit. My father was the absolute archetype of the douchebag whose hatred towards women was beyond all rationality. He thought women were mere tools destined to serve him and my mother was so submissive with him. I thoroughly hated my father, being ashamed of being of the same blood as his. Of course, coming out of the closet with a father as violent as ruthless would have undoubtedly killed me. At school I wee extremely introverted. I didn't like being around people since I thought me and the rest of my allegedly comrades weren't really on the same wavelength. I only felt good and relieved when I were freed to be all alone in my inner world. Lost deep down the inner depths of my inner world I could be enhanced with a sense of absolute freedom I loved from the bottom of my heart. I was free to create everything in my mind. Each fragment of my imagination could give birth to a myriad of otherworldly stories that felt astonishingly more real than this reality I feel so estranged to. I spent more in my existence extending my imagination than to be immersed in the outside world. It's still the case nowadays. Reality has always been something both odd and ominous. Everything feels so noisy and incomprehensible to me out there. Going through puberty during my lonely adolescence was one of the most nightmarish experiences in my entire life. I felt my body being disfigured by testosterone (how I loath this world) as if I were being torn apart by a frightening curse. Powerlessness was seething through my entire being, and I didn't know what I supposed to be in order to put an end to this abomination. 

      I've always hated my body or my genes. Not only because I was born from the semen of someone I despise vehemently, but also because my body is the absolute opposite of who I am deep inside. When your bod and your mind are in total contradiction, feeling bliss or happiness in those circumstances become something impossible like a mere chimera. I tried to deny for so many, many years to deny my true nature. Alas, denying the fact that you're a trans is delusional despite those who think that transition is delusional. That's quite the reserve. To me, denying being trans means being condemned to a slow death. I fell into depression and my suicidal tendencies become rapidly unbearable. I've reached a point in my existence I spent each fragment of my life wandering through a state of horrendous depersonalization where I've felt like a broken doll torn to pieces, a little pile of rotten flesh burnt to ashes as if I didn't even exist. I prayed for my death, wishing to be free from this nightmare that seemed to be everlasting. Watching my reflection in front of a mirror was something I couldn't tolerate. Who was this person supposed to be? It couldn't be possible. I didn't understand how I could be this man. My reflection showed me the reflection of a person who was estranged to me.    After several years of abuse that left me broken, my father disappeared after he betrayed me and my mother. Since there my depression worsened dramatically. My depression is so violent that even the thought of going to a gender therapist in order to begin a transition seems to me impossible. But I know I can't go on like this. I can't imagine something more horrible than being forced to live a life that is not your. It's horrendously depressing as if you were trapped in a downright spiral of self-loathing and absolute solitude.    Thanks for reading me.
    • Charlize
      It is in great shape!.  I love the hood ornament.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • MaryMary
      I think it,s great that she can do what she want. She is very courageous to do that. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mere-exposure_effect
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