My Wife Hates Daphene

[Guest Sunshine]

Next few months will show alot of what my future will be like. I am wondering what it would be like to be able to become Daphene with out any nagging from my wife. Don,t know, I think I will miss her terribly.

If there is any possibility of appeasing your wife please consider it. Don't let impatience get in the way. You know who you are, relax and know that you will get where you want to be.

If your wife does not want to accept who you are yet, work with your GT on a way to handle it and consider all the possibilities. A little more patience now could work wonders in the long term.

If you know who you are, you are then your life has already changed. Nothing is going to stop that. Its worth a little extra effort to help someone you love though the changes that they don't quite understand as well though, especially if you love them.

[Guest daphene]

We are still together and trying to work things out. Time will tell the story. My wife seems to be more accepting some days and some days is down righ hateful. I think it just takes time for her to see I am still the same person inside. I think her biggest hangup now is, she says I make her feel like a lesbian which she says she is not. We have not been intimate with each other for a month or so now because of this. We start out but she calls it off saying she just cant proceed. Its frustrating for me but I am being patient with her. Thanks for all of the replys, I will keep you posted.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Donna Jean]

Daphene...

This is a very difficult for everyone involved...

I'm one year HRT and while my wife is generally supporting, she'll sometimes have times where she lashes out over the whole thing.

It's tough. It's hard. Often our loved ones get hurt.

But, we really don't have a choice in the matter...we transition or die a slow death....

Daph....I hope that it can work out for you....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Labels - that is why I hate them, she thinks of the label rather than the person.

I used to worry about that and try to be 'straight' but what is 'straight' when you are transgendered - who cares!

You can try all you want but the only true love is the love that your heart finds - usually not when or where you are even looking.

If she cannot get beyond feeling like a lesbian she needs to reassess just what love means to her - you know what it means to you and that is why you are still attracted to her, it isn't easy but she needs to address this sooner than later, your future together or not depends on her being able to get past labels.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I have said this time and again; I think what allowed my marriage to survive was that I was willing to not live in the role of partner for as long as it took for my wife to come to her own terms with my transition and make her own peace with it. For most of the last year I didnt sleep with her, as a matter of fact from before i began my transition I was sleeping by myself. I dont know if you can "move out" that way but it might help because it gives her the psychological space to sort things out, she may have problems doing that with you in the same room because she is forever looking at you and having to come to terms with you before she is ready.

YMMV, it worked for me

[Guest daphene]

I may try that Joanna. We have 2 extra bedrooms now that 2 of the children are gone. My wife has suggested it before but I really dont sleep well without her. Probably habit since e have been married 25 years. But I may move to another bedroom. If it worked for you, it might work for me. Thanks.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Sunshine]

um... crazy idea here.

A lot of times TS people get really caught up in themselves and their transition. I know I did. Perhaps a little of that might be going on and your wife might need to feel like she is as important to you as Daphene.

Daphene gives you a unique perspective and possibility to do something really special for your wife. Dip into your intuition a little and see if you can feel out something, some special pampering perhaps that you could do or arrange for your wife. Make it all about her.

Doing something nice might at least ease the possible feeling of being left out or ignored that sometimes comes up.

You don't have to say that the idea came from Daphene. If asked, you can just say "I thought it would be nice for you", or something like that. She'll get the idea. You as you and you as Daphene are one person and you love her.

Just my $.02

Sorry if this is way off base.

- Sunshine

[Guest daphene]

Good idea sunshine. That surely would help. I will think of something and like you say make it all about her. We do get caught up in our own needs sometime so I will try your suggestion. Thanks.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Good idea sunshine. That surely would help. I will think of something and like you say make it all about her. We do get caught up in our own needs sometime so I will try your suggestion. Thanks.

Hugs,

Daphene

Daphene remember that part of the problem is that your wife is in a grief reaction, she has lost her man and he isnt coming back. This is where the space comes in, she has to make her peace with what has happened and decide if she has it in her to continue. If you do decide to move into another bedroom, make sure you take all of your stuff with you. Strange as it sounds get yourself a soft teddy bear and cuddle that as you sleep. My teddy was my best friend through the year of sleeping alone.

[Guest Chandra]

Dear Daphene,

I am not as far as you girl, but let me tell you this.

I have been openly dressing as Chandra for 8 years, when at home. And a few times a year in public

It took her a little time but now she wants me to change sometimes, and we have a lot of fun with this.

She knows that this has always been a part of me.

At one time both of you got together, and connected,with this condition buried deep with in you, and things were ok.

If this condition was not part of you, you would have been a different person and might not have connected. Because you would have been totally different person. Let her know this.

I know this is very tough, Some will never accept this , some will

I hope she will accept the real you, you were born this way and had no control over this.

Best wishes with this, do not push her at all, let her start all the talking about this.

Acceptance takes time, I hope you stay together long enough for time to do it's job

Good luck, love Chandra

[Guest daphene]

I went to one of the spare bedrooms to sleep last night to give my wife some space and she told me I did not have to sleep outside our bedroom. I told her I did not mind and she said she wanted me to sleep in our bed, so I did. I think I will try again tonight to sleep in the spare bedroom to see if she really wants me with her or she was just trying to be nice. I hope time will be on my side and allow her to accept me. Seems like her biggest hangup right now is the fact that I shave my legs. She wants hair on my legs so I she says I feel like a man.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Sunshine]

I went to one of the spare bedrooms to sleep last night to give my wife some space and she told me I did not have to sleep outside our bedroom. I told her I did not mind and she said she wanted me to sleep in our bed, so I did.

Seems like her biggest hangup right now is the fact that I shave my legs. She wants hair on my legs so I she says I feel like a man.

Well, it sounds positive.

I have no idea how you are going to deal with the hairy legs question. OMG that sounds like it could become a problem because... well.. hair.. legs... ew... you know?

I know for a lot of people secondary hair like that goes away with HRT over time, so it would be gradual, but for myself. I don't think I could make that compromise.

Good luck

[Guest Donna Jean]

That's a plus, Hon......

But, it's all a compremise between two people no mater if it's a man/woman marriage...woman/woman or man/man...

Each has to give a little for it to work...

Slow going, Hon...

But, it's goin'

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest sienna]

I went to one of the spare bedrooms to sleep last night to give my wife some space and she told me I did not have to sleep outside our bedroom. I told her I did not mind and she said she wanted me to sleep in our bed, so I did. I think I will try again tonight to sleep in the spare bedroom to see if she really wants me with her or she was just trying to be nice. I hope time will be on my side and allow her to accept me. Seems like her biggest hangup right now is the fact that I shave my legs. She wants hair on my legs so I she says I feel like a man.

Hugs,

Daphene

Hi Daphene,

I can relate somewhat and hopefully help with what you're experiencing. My wife knew I loved wearing pantyhose for about 8 years and she gradually became cool with it although at first she would make comments, I want to feel your hairy legs in bed. I would always reply I hate my hair which would lead to small discussions back and forth of wanting to shave it and her wanting it to stay. When I told her I liked to crossdress 2 years ago it felt like being hit with heaven and hell. For me it was relieving, but nerve-racking with times of depression. It was out there. For her it was extremely confusing. And to a degree it still is for her. I love her very much and have always tried to make sure she knew that. We're best friends who had told each other everything - except this small detail. At first I was really impatient talking about it, wanting things, buying some things online, etc. She helped calm my anxiety. About a year ago I started shaving my legs and chest. She had wanted me to keep all my hair, but then was holding out on my arm hair staying. So for awhile I did, but it looked odd and I just wanted it all gone. So one night in the shower I did. This led to more talks about it and some comments about it night and day. In a way I do feel selfish, but it's my body and feeling smooth everywhere is incredible. Understanding your wife and staying realistic about what she is willing to accept is only something you can ultimately decide.

The key I believe is patience. At times it is extremely hard to have that and hold back on saying things, doing things, asking your wife about trying new things, you know. My wife has struggled and gotten stronger and being patient has been worthwhile. Hang in there Daphene. My wife bought me things shortly after I told her and still does, but still doesn't fully understand, but tries to be supportive. She doesn't mind my shaved body so much any more now that she has seen it for awhile. She does like to poke and tease about how long I'm in the shower. And she likes to buy me things, but isn't ready to see me yet fully dressed in makeup, wig, breasts, etc. And that's fine for me. Pressuring things like this are not good and can only lead to problems in my opinion. Spend time with your wife as a guy and have fun with her. Show her you appreciate all aspects of her and she just might return the favor, but give it lots of time. This isn't something you should expect to happen quickly.

Sienna

[Guest daphene]

Thanks Sienna, sounds like good advice to me. I am trying to take it slow. I have been shaving my legs now for about 3 months, but she still has a hard time with it. I left the hair on my chest and belly for her, but i will eventually get rid of it also. Time usually makes things more acceptable so I agree with you. Thanks, by the way, I love pantyhose as well.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Sally]

Daphene,

The most encouraging thing about all of this is that while your wife wants you to keep your hair - she does seem to be wanting to keep you - compromise and take things slowly and see how that goes.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest daphene]

That is the plan Sally. I hope it goes well, but I am not so sure. I will keep you posted. It is hard to go slow as you know, once you figure out what you need, you are ready to move forward quickly. I know I must go slow if there is any chance to salvage our marriage so that is what I intend to do. I'll keep you posted and thanks for your caring advice. I need all the friends here I can get right now because it is sure lonely at home right now.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey, Honey....

I agree withSally...

And I'm wishing you the very best...

This spouse/partner business is hard by any standard and it takes a lot of comprise to make it work..Trans or not!

You can get to where you need to go and stay together if you both give and accept things on an equal footing....Just on person can't do all of the giving! Or taking!

Good luck, Baby!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Kellylee]

There seems to be alot of good advice here. I hope some of it works for you Sweetie. As much as I was a devil's advocate for the wife's side, I just wanted to make sure that her side at least was considered. I sometimes wish I was just a real son-of-a-pregnant dog, errr make that just pregnant dog, so I could just walk out and become the woman I feel I should have been born as. I understand the reasoning, "It's my body, so I should be able to do with it as I please." and the, "If she truly loves me she should accept and love me for who I really am." But life, relationships, and emotions are seldom so simple. Sometimes I think just a simple divorce prior to transition would be easier, even though it may not be what I really want. She would soon realize the divorce wasn't because of her, but because of another woman, the woman within. Maybe that is what I should do, seperate and start the divorce and start tranisition. Then if she really loves me she'll fight the divorce and want to stay together despite transition. But it would also give her her out if it is something she can't live with. I don't know. Who does? But it is something alot of us struggle with and an experience gender therapist should be able to help. I like all the ideas presented, it has helped more people than just Daphne, I am sure.

[Guest daphene]

I must agree on much good advice. I hope this does help all who read it. Latest update happened this weekend. My wife says she does not want a divorce right now but wants me to leave and us live separately for awhile. She says go do your girly thing for a while and maybe you will come back to me. I dont know when I will leave but I told her I would because I need to do the girly thing to see if I need it more or less than her. I did not tell her that last part about maybe needing to be Daphene more than needing her but here lately I am thinking that way. She is driving me away with all of the riduicule and hate. I dont really know what the long term future holds for me now.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Crystal F]

I don't know if this is the same situation but me and my girlfriend had been together for 6 years. We both knew we would be together forever. We were wrong, I came out to her first and she just couldn't except it, I had the same choice as you. She left me and for a month or two I was crushed. IMO the person who understands you completely is the one. She couldn't, she wasn't the one.