Some Questions About Stealth

[Guest elenag]

How stealth are you? What I mean by that is who's in your inner circle? spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, co-workers, neighbors, landlord, etc

How important is stealth to you? Do you absolutely need to be stealth?

Would you be mortified if you were outed?

Would you never find work again in your industry if you were outed?

Do you wish you were more or less stealth than you are now?

What's your opinion on how dangerous it is to be public or semi-public?

I have a reason for asking my questions. I've been thinking a lot about stealth and I haven't felt a desire to be stealth and I wanted to know if that's a dangerous line of thinking. Of course I have to assume I will end up passing and it may be some time before I do, but I'm pretty sure I will pass. I can sometimes pass as it is now.

The attitude I have is for the first time in 25 years I like who I am (I'm 35 now) and I feel no shame for being born a male. It hasn't sunk in yet why I need to hide it. I will never be able to hide my history, and I can't see a future where I'm making up stories about why I have no childhood photos, or why my brother slipped up and called me using a boy's name, or why I was on the high school football team for 3 weeks (I was horrible).

Why couldn't I just tell people the truth? I don't want to transition from one life full of lies to another life full of lies.

Now. Part of the reason I'm thinking this is I'm pretty lucky with my job because my co-workers don't have a problem with me wearing makeup, women's clothing, or using the women's bathroom, although the company is very small, so maybe I'm making assumptions I can find another job like this?

There's one other thing too. I've been out to co-workers for a while and recently we hired an ex-coworker from my previous job and they outed me with her and didn't run it by me, but it really didn't bother me. She came to the office and I felt no desire to run and hide. I wanted to see her. If everyone I know, including family, were to find out tomorrow, I'd be a little nervous but definitely not embarrassed. Although I'm not looking forward to coming out to my wife's family. I'm quaking in my boots thinking about telling them, but they do live overseas, so they could be the last to know.

Although, this might explain a little of it. I don't have any real friends (just acquaintances) and I'm not close to my family and I'm completely independent living several states away from them. So, you can see I've been pretty sheltered so far when it comes to being out and being judged by crude people and add to it that I haven't been subjected to the family treatment yet.

Oh yes. Don't forget about the stealth questions. I was hoping to get your opinion on the subject.

----update----

pennyjane: You're right, I didn't mention I'm mtf.

Edited July 21, 2007 by elenag

[pennyjane]

hi elena. i gave my answer to why i am not in stealth. you didn't identify what you plan to come out as? i heard what you said about more hiding. that's exactly why i would not be stealth anymore then i'd go back to drab. if you aren't ashamed, then why hide at all? why not just freely talk about it, it's a very unusual thing. you talk about it up front and you answer the questions that arise yourself, you don't leave answers to speculation or mis-information. the truth is right there on the surface for all to see. i hear people say things like...it's no big deal, i had it, it's over and i just want to go on with my life. i understand that, and see it as and ideal, a goal, but this world is not there yet. you are it among those who think it's no big deal. reality is that it's a darn big deal to nearly everyone who is close to you. it's a big deal to your employer, to your chruch, to your co-workers and to your family and friends. people who tell you it's no big deal are being nice to you. you look inside yourself and you know personally that it is one big deal indeed. it's something that has dominated your life for most of it, if you are hbs. it's a very, very important part of who you are. to deny that is just kidding yourself, in my opinion.

and then there is the altruistic side. by being a good person and having people know you are hbs, you do your part to teach. to show the world that we really aren't just a bunch of clothes whores and perverts, but real, multi-faceted people. from stealth you can't show them anything. you'll leave the world as you found it, and the next generation will suffer as you did. i guess i feel pretty strongly about this, but it's just my opinion and i know others feel differently. presonally, though i'm not proud of having hbs, i had nothing to do with it, i was just born this way. but i am somewhat proud of how i have handled it of late. how that i have overcome the stigma and become a whole, loving, caring and compassionate.....healthy person in spite of it. well, that's just my opinion, but what do i know? i'm just a girl. lotsa love and hope, pj

[Guest Mani]

I live partly stealth. My parents, my gf, my friends, and my teachers are the main people what know i'm tg. People becides them that I interact with regualarly don't know anything. I would prefer to live stealth because I just want to live my own life and not bother with people asking me questions all the time. However, I have no problem outing myself if I think the person needs to know. Though I still have the problem of not passing most of the time.

[Guest karen_h]

i gave up stealth that is for bombers not me and i'm glad i did

[Guest SharleahLynn]

It is my belief that stealth is for those wanting not to be completely out to the world . I myself do not do stealth mode. I want the world to see this ol gal . Let the world know that I do exist and won't take no junk from those that cannot accept me for being me.

SharleahLynn

[Guest Zenda]

How stealth are you? What I mean by that is who's in your inner circle? spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, co-workers, neighbors, landlord, etc

How important is stealth to you? Do you absolutely need to be stealth?

Would you be mortified if you were outed?

Would you never find work again in your industry if you were outed?

Do you wish you were more or less stealth than you are now?

What's your opinion on how dangerous it is to be public or semi-public?

I have a reason for asking my questions. I've been thinking a lot about stealth and I haven't felt a desire to be stealth and I wanted to know if that's a dangerous line of thinking. Of course I have to assume I will end up passing and it may be some time before I do, but I'm pretty sure I will pass. I can sometimes pass as it is now.

The attitude I have is for the first time in 25 years I like who I am (I'm 35 now) and I feel no shame for being born a male. It hasn't sunk in yet why I need to hide it. I will never be able to hide my history, and I can't see a future where I'm making up stories about why I have no childhood photos, or why my brother slipped up and called me using a boy's name, or why I was on the high school football team for 3 weeks (I was horrible).

Why couldn't I just tell people the truth? I don't want to transition from one life full of lies to another life full of lies.

Now. Part of the reason I'm thinking this is I'm pretty lucky with my job because my co-workers don't have a problem with me wearing makeup, women's clothing, or using the women's bathroom, although the company is very small, so maybe I'm making assumptions I can find another job like this?

There's one other thing too. I've been out to co-workers for a while and recently we hired an ex-coworker from my previous job and they outed me with her and didn't run it by me, but it really didn't bother me. She came to the office and I felt no desire to run and hide. I wanted to see her. If everyone I know, including family, were to find out tomorrow, I'd be a little nervous but definitely not embarrassed. Although I'm not looking forward to coming out to my wife's family. I'm quaking in my boots thinking about telling them, but they do live overseas, so they could be the last to know.

Although, this might explain a little of it. I don't have any real friends (just acquaintances) and I'm not close to my family and I'm completely independent living several states away from them. So, you can see I've been pretty sheltered so far when it comes to being out and being judged by crude people and add to it that I haven't been subjected to the family treatment yet.

Oh yes. Don't forget about the stealth questions. I was hoping to get your opinion on the subject.

----update----

pennyjane: You're right, I didn't mention I'm mtf.

[Guest Zenda]

How stealth are you? What I mean by that is who's in your inner circle? spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, co-workers, neighbors, landlord, etc

How important is stealth to you? Do you absolutely need to be stealth?

Would you be mortified if you were outed?

Would you never find work again in your industry if you were outed?

Do you wish you were more or less stealth than you are now?

What's your opinion on how dangerous it is to be public or semi-public?

I have a reason for asking my questions. I've been thinking a lot about stealth and I haven't felt a desire to be stealth and I wanted to know if that's a dangerous line of thinking. Of course I have to assume I will end up passing and it may be some time before I do, but I'm pretty sure I will pass. I can sometimes pass as it is now.

The attitude I have is for the first time in 25 years I like who I am (I'm 35 now) and I feel no shame for being born a male. It hasn't sunk in yet why I need to hide it. I will never be able to hide my history, and I can't see a future where I'm making up stories about why I have no childhood photos, or why my brother slipped up and called me using a boy's name, or why I was on the high school football team for 3 weeks (I was horrible).

Why couldn't I just tell people the truth? I don't want to transition from one life full of lies to another life full of lies.

Now. Part of the reason I'm thinking this is I'm pretty lucky with my job because my co-workers don't have a problem with me wearing makeup, women's clothing, or using the women's bathroom, although the company is very small, so maybe I'm making assumptions I can find another job like this?

There's one other thing too. I've been out to co-workers for a while and recently we hired an ex-coworker from my previous job and they outed me with her and didn't run it by me, but it really didn't bother me. She came to the office and I felt no desire to run and hide. I wanted to see her. If everyone I know, including family, were to find out tomorrow, I'd be a little nervous but definitely not embarrassed. Although I'm not looking forward to coming out to my wife's family. I'm quaking in my boots thinking about telling them, but they do live overseas, so they could be the last to know.

Although, this might explain a little of it. I don't have any real friends (just acquaintances) and I'm not close to my family and I'm completely independent living several states away from them. So, you can see I've been pretty sheltered so far when it comes to being out and being judged by crude people and add to it that I haven't been subjected to the family treatment yet.

Oh yes. Don't forget about the stealth questions. I was hoping to get your opinion on the subject.

----update----

pennyjane: You're right, I didn't mention I'm mtf.

Hi Elenag,

It would depend on what you mean by 'stealth' All of us who pass as our affirmed gender identity are automatically stealth, whether we want to or not ie, when we go out in public we are percieved and treated as female/male because of our apperance by people who don't know. I'm sure not many passable transpeople are going to tell everyone they meet that they are transsexual [even the ones who choose not to go stealth....why place a target on your back]. I live what I call a semi stealth live ie, my apperance does not threaten or challenge society's concept of gender- I'm seem as a genetic female, but I'm also free of fear of being outed because I'm totally comfortable with who I am and open about my past if the situation should arise. Living 'deep' stealth is dangerous especially as far a intimate relationships are concerned, somewhere along life's chain of events there are links to our past. It's better to be upfront with a potential life partner just incase your 'closet' door is forced open. Metta Jendar

[Guest deviousxen]

I stealth around cause my moms already been through enough as it is at this point. That, and some ambitions I have...

[Guest CamCass]

How stealth are you? Not at all

who's in your inner circle? Everyone

How important is stealth to you? Not very important.

Do you absolutely need to be stealth? No.

Would you be mortified if you were outed? Not much. Maybe a slight twinge of annoyance instead.

Would you never find work again in your industry if you were outed? I'm in high school, but I want to be an actor... That might help my work, hmmm....

Do you wish you were more or less stealth than you are now? No.

What's your opinion on how dangerous it is to be public or semi-public? Considering how transgender abuse is swept under the rug by the government, pretty dangerous, but I've got friends and family willing to fight for me so I'm well off.

I'm coming out to my high school teachers and classmates at the start of next year (already came out via facebook) I'm not particularly scared of bullying and I'm fairly accepted by my peers. My girlfriend (and her family) know I'm ftm so... yeah. Anyway I agree with your way of thinking. It's not bad to be completely open about it. Well, I'm a teenager so what weight do my words hold anyway?