I Shoulda Known I Was A Transguy When...

[Guest My_Genesis]

You guys are an absolute HOOT!

It is interesting reading "the view from the other side" - I quite enjoyed it - now I will get out of here before you realize there was a girl listening

Hey, you girls might have your little cliques, but the guys don't mind having the girls join in.

oh and lol@ the drawing penises thing! I did that too. And in a talk show interview recently that I watched (Craig Ferguson), they said it seems like all the boys go through the penis-drawing phase. lol.

[Guest Kaz]

Arguing with my mum cos i wanted to wear trousers - this went on for years and was odd cos i wasn't really a tom boy. I spent 90% of my childhood with my nose in a book, i liked sewing, knitting, dress up and imaginative play - but i so wanted trousers. (man would i have been a sissy boy )

Being really, really happy that my chest didn't develop until i my late teens. I was really slim as a teenager and almost flat - i didn't wear bra's until i was 18 or so...what teenage girl is happy she doesn't have boobs!!

Hating bras....hating, hating hating them...they just feel weird and wrong.

Really wanting to play with the boys in school...who didn't want to play with me..

Falling for almost all my female best friends and hangong out with guys, i tried hanging out with girls, infact i got stuck trying to hang out with girls alot *grr*, but never really got it...never fit in there...

My body image never matching what's in the mirror... I always feel taller, broader, stronger and hairy than i am.

I write and my novels generally have male or non gendered leads, infact gender had fascinated me for years. (before i ever realised i might be trans)

I played a lot of male RPG chracters too...but also female ones who were always very butch...basically men really ....

There are proably loads more things but i'm tred of listing now.

[Guest Nicodeme]

You guys mentioning writing reminds me that my first book a few years ago was written in first person from the point of view of a guy. (You can actually read it online if you want...)

And now the new one is about an FTM...in third person...but focused mostly on him. The new one isn't so much an "early 20-something self discovery" thing like the first one was, 'cause...well, I've discovered myself! XD

I generally preferred writing from the standpoint of guys, or about guys. I even wrote in that gawdawful mpreg genre (yeah...ew, I guess. XD) and didn't realize for a while that it was how I was dealing with the whole misconception (no pun intended, I swear) that "if I become a dude I can't have babies." >_>

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I generally preferred writing from the standpoint of guys, or about guys. I even wrote in that gawdawful mpreg genre (yeah...ew, I guess. XD) and didn't realize for a while that it was how I was dealing with the whole misconception (no pun intended, I swear) that "if I become a dude I can't have babies." >_>

Good thing modern science proved just how misconcepted that was!

Ever read a book called True Selves?

Don't ask me who wrote it- but it's worth lookng up.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Just remembered something else today - there was a day camp at my preschool I went to when I was about 5 or 6 years old, and sometimes I would wear these swim shorts and go in the little pool w/o a shirt, it was funny b/c I knew there was something off about me not wearing a shirt lol, but it just felt right for me.

[Guest Pól]

When I did gymnastic I was scared to death of the balance beam.

ROFL

[Guest Nicodeme]

Good thing modern science proved just how misconcepted that was!

Ever read a book called True Selves?

Don't ask me who wrote it- but it's worth lookng up.

I was under the impression at the time that if I were to transition, I'd be required to have bottom surgery. And I knew for a fact then that if I were to get that surgery, I'd be rendered sterile. Of course, while that second part turned out to still be true, the first part...didn't! Woo!

I just googled True Selves. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but on Amazon it has that "look inside" option and I'm sort of reading it that way for now.

It's by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley, by the way.

[Guest Kaz]

I went topless as a kid until i was made to put tops on, at about 11/12

And also - i have always, always, always wanted to have a 'boys' name...and been miffed that my girl name doesn't shorten down to one

[Guest Rowan19]

I'm still figuring out my 'true' gender, but a lot of what you guys have said is true for me. Ps. How exactly do u pee standing up? Curious to try now...

[Guest Teague]

- Being completely and utterly convinced that my clit was just a really tiny penis and that when I grew up it would get really big...

- Never caring whether someone called me a boy because I always felt more comfortable being referred to as a boy.

- When playing house, always wanting to be the Guy

- Being envious of all of my male cousins cause they got to go hunting with their dads and our uncles and I had to stay home.

- Loving getting to go hang out with "the guy" when I was little cause they always treated me like one of them.

- Being extremely upset when I could no longer runaround with out a shirt on because it was "an inappropriate thing for a little girl to be doing."

- Wished that I could have sex with a girl like all the other guys could

- Put a balled up sock in my pants when I was little cause when I would look in the mirror it made me feel a bit more like the person in the reflection was me.

- Wondering who this girl in the mirror was and wondering where the little boy was

- Never wanting to wear dresses or heals

- Always wanting to be out side playing with the boys

- Wishing that I could one day look like Ken NOT barbie.

- I wondered why I couldn't pee standing up

- Never wanted to wear a bra and would never wear anything but a sports bra

- Never wanting to even try to learn how to wear make-up

- Hating how tiny I was

- Always wanting to grow up and look like my Daddy, not my mom...

[Guest JesseY]

Not being able to write from a female perspective. In fact, when I took a fiction writing class as an undergrad, my male classmates were shocked a woman was able to write a convincingly male narrative. At the time I thought, "If only you knew..."

Being in denial when puberty started.

Gravitating toward guys from a young age, even if that was playing dolls with guys, and never thinking anything of it.

Seeing an older boy around when I was 6 or 7 and thinking to myself, "That's what I want to look like when I grow up."

[Guest Exeter]

I should've known when... (some random things)

- Growing up, I consistently role-played as male characters, both with pretending and on video games, and at 8 remember being disappointed when I thought I'd have to play a female character on the original Everquest.

- All my rolemodels (minus one fluke) have been male and I've always desired to look like them in ways, and do things, not particularly appropriate for females.

- I was 7 and the girls I was with were being 'boyphobic', and I clearly recall thinking to myself that 'The joke's on them, I'm technically a boy'.

- I was asked in school by another kid, 'Are you a boy or a girl?', and I thought for several moments, wishing secretly to say 'boy'. (I had long hair and looked feminine; I have no idea why this kid was even confused, honestly. )

- A girl in my class made fun of me and said I sounded like a boy.

- I've always felt weird and awkward around girls.

- I hid the 'unspeakable' from my mother at all costs and when she asked I lied to avoid talking about it. (In fact, I'd never had that talk with her; she'd only finally found out when it started because I had to answer a few years later during a doctor's appointment.)

- I'd tried to pee standing up several times throughout my childhood and have been successfully doing it ever since I was about 12 or 13... (Not to mention I've actually sort of boasted about it at times. I certainly have never tried to hide it.

- I was always making my mother buy me the most boyish clothes she'd allow and I'd complain if anything had flowers or pink on it.

- I hated my long hair, even though I could never get it cut.

- As a small child I couldn't stand male relatives kissing my hand and calling me 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful'. It always made me angry.

- Until I was about 12, I couldn't stand the words 'male' and 'female'.

- I refused to wear a bra until 14 and any talks always left me feeling extremely depressed and disgusted. (Even now it makes me shudder just writing 'bra'. )

- I feared puberty from the time I knew of its existence and never wanted to be a teenaged girl. What 7-10 year old goes around fretting over such things? (Now I want to stay a teenager and never be an adult woman. )

- The word 'woman' always made me cringe, but 'man' didn't.

- Always referring to females as 'them, they' etc. as if not including myself. (And always feeling reaaaallly weird whenever a female relative talked to me as a 'fellow' female.)

- The most I've ever been able to identify with my own photo was recently when I saw a shot of myself with my short hair and thought I looked like a boy.

- I was happy when I got mail that had me addressed as 'Mr' by mistake.

- Since about 14 or so, wanting to sing like my favourite male artists (who, yeah, tend to have pretty deep voices) and getting depressed when I knew I couldn't. (Then confused because it's weird to want to sound like that if you're supposed to be a girl.)

- Writing %99.9 from a male PoV in fiction... and having to seriously fight my subconcious in order to keep female characters from being FtM.

[Guest willMR]

Ha, I do that too with the writing thing Exeter. I had a gay guy friend and I would write stories with him, and he always made me write the agressive guy character, which was just so easy for me. I guess I should have known then. I write female characters mostly now, and the sex scenes are always so freaking hard because I'm wanting to write one of them as ftm.

[Guest Rowan19]

- I'd tried to pee standing up several times throughout my childhood and have been successfully doing it ever since I was about 12 or 13... (Not to mention I've actually sort of boasted about it at times. I certainly have never tried to hide it.

How do you pee standing up? There must be some kind of knack to that I can't find... *Confuzled look*

[Guest Talon]

Reading this thread is so interesting. It is amusing because I recognize all those memories and situations from myself and because thinking back it was pretty cool what you could pull off sometimes. It is elating because it means we are not alone. And it is touching and saddening and traumatic because it reminds me of what we have gone through, are going through and will go through along with our FtM brothers. Here are some of my memories and moments:

I should’ve known (I did already know ) when:

-We had a substitute teacher for six months in elementary school and she was convinced for all six months that my name was Steen (Danish male name, the name for the character Calvin in the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon which was why I chose it. I was making trouble of some sort and she asked me angrily “You there, what is your name?” and I had to think fast, ha ha).

-When I freaked out and almost physically got sick when we were split up in a boys’ group and a girls’ group in school and the girls (that’s where the Censored put me) had to stay inside and talk to a school counsellor about puberty, periods, breasts etc. and the boys got to go outside and paint a tree house that our class built. love I was angry and distressed. I broke down at home the night before and screamed “I don’t want to talk about that, I don’t want to go there tomorrow!” but my parents didn’t take me seriously and just told me that “that is something all girls have to talk about”. AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

- When we had to learn to dance in school and I immediately volunteered to dance the boy part.

- When I was playing with two girls and they pretended to give birth to their dolls and I almost puked (and felt strongly sick and couldn’t eat for like a week after). It felt as if I’d just witnessed one of those horror movie scenes when an alien baby comes out of a guy’s stomach or something. It was freaky, adsurd and nasty and I knew for sure that I’d never, ever, ever in my life want to put myself through that! I would rather die than give birth. I mean that seriously.

- When, under heavy pressure from my mother, I shaved my legs for the first time and felt like I had just abused my body and amputated an important part of me. It still strikes me how deeply horrifying that was and I remember going to bed that night deeply, deeply depressed and crying.

- When, already at a very early age, having the “I am NOT buying you boys’ clothes!” “Well, I am NOT wearing girls’ clothes!” argument with my mother and happily making a scene about it in the middle of the store if that meant she’d get embarrassed and just buy me what I wanted!

- When insisting that my parents call me Sam or another boy name before I’d even react to their questions and orders. This really peed them off

-Insisting on having my hair cut short at age 6 and keeping it short ever since (except for a shorter period when I was trying to fit in as a girl because I thought that’d be easier and make my life bearable. Then I learned I am not alone).

- Trying desperately and heatedly to argue and explain to adults why boys are cooler than girls and them not understanding at all why a “girl” would think that.

- My best childhood friend’s father indicating (as a joke, he was a really nice guy, he just didn’t know I’m a boy) that my friend and I were bf and gf and me being in complete confusion thinking “why would he make that joke, we are two boys”

-When being forced to wear dresses and crap to family functions, then going playing with the other kids and ripping the damn rag on purpose so I’d have to wear my brother’s extra pants instead!

- When puberty/living hell started and passing and playing as a boy came to an end and that terrible --Censored-- time began when you couldn’t be on the boys’ side of things anymore because now being a boy meant dating the girls, talking about erections, starting to shave etc. and you were no longer seen as a boy by your peers. I wish so bad that I’d been put into hormone therapy back then, gone through male puberty and hadn’t had to deal with female puberty and going through hell every day. It still scares me when I think back on how hard those years were. I hope I’ll never have a time that hard in my life again and I don’t wish that for my worst enemy.

- When I started developing breasts (writing this makes me nauseous) and I was beating on my chest with my fists to try to make them go down. This just caused pain and swelling which just seemed to make it worse. Sigh…

- When I had my first period (I get so sick writing this, having shivers and wanna puke, WHY the hell do 12 year old kids have to deal with that kind of crap, let alone 12 year old BOYS!?!?) and I tried for days and days to convince myself that I’d somehow cut myself or something, that it was NOT a period because I was not a girl and I could definitely NOT become pregnant, EVER!! , nor was I ever meant to! Then being completely dysphoric and depressed and breaking down crying to my Mom. And being traumatized for 1 week every month ever since.

- Trying to be a girl because I was so tired and depressed from fighting all the time, then feeling raped, abused and shameful for doing those things to myself (sex with a guy as a woman :S, dressing as a girl, long hair etc.) I am so glad I am strong enough to be ME now!!

- Wishing for boy stuff for Christmas and birthdays, then getting girl stuff like jewellery and crap… What the hell do you want me to do with this crap, I asked for toy soldiers?! Where do you get off turning my birthday into “reminder that we don’t think you’re a real boy”-day!? L

- Me belching loudly at maybe 13 or something and my aunt saying: “Ladies don’t do that, that’s what boys do”… yeeeah… and so that means I’m excused, eh?

-My Dad having father and son moments with my brother and not with me L Even though my brother is way more girly than me and always was and really can’t change a tire or hammer in a nail for the life of him. I have a hard time showing my feelings to my family so this resulted in me pulling away from my Dad and acting like I didn’t care. But I wish my parents could just see that they have two sons. My comfort here is that my Dad is not much of a he man, even though he wants to be he doesn’t have a lot of skills. Like he can’t shoot a gun or throw a baseball or fix a car– at all. So I’ve found other father figures along the way to teach me most of that how-to-be-a-man-stuff. I still feel the need for a mentor, though. But the bad memory here is how much it hurt to see him hang out with my brother in that way and not with me.

- When in woodworking class in elementary school there was a big friggin ado because I insisted on making something cool out of wood that the boys were making instead of a mirror that the girls were making and teachers and the stupid girls in my class just wouldn't let me. It turned into a big, embarrassing and frustrating confrontation and I had my way. But why do people have to be like that...!!

-When my friends and classmates were looking forward to their confirmation (lived in Europe) and other fancy parties and me just DREADING it to sleeplessness because that would mean that someone was gonna try to stuff me into a dress and make me act like a girl AGAIN.

And many many more....

Feel good moments:

-When I smile at a cute girl and then hear her giggle “he was cute” to hear friend as they’re walking away

- When the other boys in my class made a boys’ club and naturally included me and gave me a secret nick name that the girls couldn’t understand. Then one of the girls pointed out that I “wasn’t a boy” and my buddy stepped up and said “he IS a boy, he is way more like a boy than a girl!” I never felt better J

- When my new teacher asked my Dad “Is that your boy?” on the first day of grade 8. Felt good.

- When playing soccer with some family in England and an older guy asked my brother “doesn’t your little brother want to play?”

-When I travel and people in airports, on trains and planes etc. call me “sir”

-When another guy, who knows I was born bio female, still asks me “You know when girls do so and so? They are so weird” J I love when people understand and respect that I am MALE!

- When my older brother, who is a nice dude, calls me little brother cos he knows even though I haven’t told him yet. I mean, I haven’t told him that I am starting T but obviously he knows what I am and wanna be. We grew up together. He knows.

Thanks for sharing, guys.

Talon.

[Guest Exeter]

- I'd tried to pee standing up several times throughout my childhood and have been successfully doing it ever since I was about 12 or 13... (Not to mention I've actually sort of boasted about it at times. I certainly have never tried to hide it.

How do you pee standing up? There must be some kind of knack to that I can't find... *Confuzled look*

I dunno there 'is a method for that sort of thing. I've read some cisgirls that have mastered techniques even I can't manage thus far. (Like being able to go through a fly... that one's amazing. Haha-- I'm weird, I think girls who can do that are pretty cool.) But I have got my own way -- it just sort of came naturally after practise-- guess I was just that determined. You should be able to find some kind of instruction online that might help. Or if you'd like to know my method, I could share in a PM -- just don't want to go TMI here.

[Guest Rowan19]

- I'd tried to pee standing up several times throughout my childhood and have been successfully doing it ever since I was about 12 or 13... (Not to mention I've actually sort of boasted about it at times. I certainly have never tried to hide it.

How do you pee standing up? There must be some kind of knack to that I can't find... *Confuzled look*

I dunno there 'is a method for that sort of thing. I've read some cisgirls that have mastered techniques even I can't manage thus far. (Like being able to go through a fly... that one's amazing. Haha-- I'm weird, I think girls who can do that are pretty cool.) But I have got my own way -- it just sort of came naturally after practise-- guess I was just that determined. You should be able to find some kind of instruction online that might help. Or if you'd like to know my method, I could share in a PM -- just don't want to go TMI here.

Lol, that'd be kool.

[Guest ftmjp]

I am probably older than most of you folks on here as, I grew up in the 50's & 60"s:

I should have known when:

I first realized that I wasn't born with a penis & thought there had been some mistake so, I put a softball in my pants to make up for it

I was at church camp & three of the girls grabbed me in the swimming pool & stated "we don't really know if you are a girl or not"

I smoked a pipe at my sister's wedding reception

I went into a store to buy Levis & told the clerks they were for my brother & that he was the same size as I so, I needed to try them on (back then "girls" didn't buy or wear Levis

[Guest AXELXY]

I shoulda known I was a transguy when...

-I peed standing up.

-I was always on the boys team.

-I wore my cousins trunks and went in the swimming pool topless.

-I would 'accidently' rip my clothes when staying over at my male cousin's house so that I would have to wear his clothes.

-I asked my friend to call me by male pronouns and by a male name.

-I would put pens and pencils ect. in my pants as an attempt to make a penis. (Oh Gawd. XD)

-I was always outside catching insects.

-I would dig in the dirt for worms.

-When playing 'house' at nursery I would be husband or son, and if I couldn't I would be the dog because I would never let them make me female.

-At a party (This was when I was like 10) I told a few boys that I was male.

-I love when people 'mistake' me as male.

-I loved my Action Men and cars...NEVER would I be playing with Barbie.

-Make-up? EW. That's for girls!

-I loved playing Football and play-fighting!

-I'm more confident talking with guys, girls are never interested in what I'm saying.

-When I like a guy, I feel 'gay' not 'straight.'

-Gah, it was so awkward the day I was talking to my female friends and they were all saying who they wish they looked like! They were all saying 'Cheryl Cole' or 'Katy Perry!' Meanwhile I was going through loads of guys I wished I looked like racking my brain trying to think of a female I'd like to look like. I ended up saying I didn't want to look like anyone.

-My sister and her bestfriend at the time were into weddings and stuff, so they made me and my bestfriend get 'married.' I insisted I was the husband.

-I used to introduce myself as a 'tomboy.' I guess at that age I thought a tomboy was a boy or something, 'cause that's what everyone would say I was.

-I'm sure I made a 'no girls allowed' sign for my room door too.

-When choosing toys I'd always be raiding the boys section for army stuff and soldiers, fun days!

Hah, I'm sure there are plenty more but you guys have already said most of mine! T.T

This is an awesome thread, loving reading all the posts! I can relate to almost every one of them and they are making me smile looking back at little me.

-Axel

[Guest beck]

i agree with alot of these

my best friends were guys

Getting a barbie o... vs. new hot wheel and pokemon cards YES!

when playing house i was the brother

tried to pee standing up once as a kid

playing football in P.E. the teacher called a time out and brought all the girls over to explain somethings but told me to go with the boys because i knew what i was doing

was peed when my mom wouldnt let me be shirtless

loved getting muddy all the time

hated showers

tons more

[Guest AdenAngel]

- I hate when girls pay for my stuff.

- My birth name makes me cringe.

- At seventeen my idea of dressing nice is still a pair of jeans and a button down shirt.

- I get annoyed whenever my mom makes me go clothes shopping.

- I went through a phase where I was obsessed with make up (and other such Girly things) because I thought my mom would like me better if I was like my sisters. I hated it.

- kids? Ha not happening.

- Pontica Sunfire? Looks like a big girl mobile no thanks.

- Always jealous of my little brother's stuff.

- Would rather tear my hair out than go see Girly movies.

- Day dream about being a guy.

- when I write all my female characters seem very flat and are always the negative in the story.

- Always wanting to dress up as some male character for Halloween- was never allowed to.

- Not understanding the strange things that go on at sleepover parties.

[Guest mynameisjay]

This is a great thread...got to add...

- winning the community pet contest for most interesting pet because I had a tomato caterpillar that nobody else would touch

- of course the attempting to pee standing up

- discovering that GI Joe's parachutes would fit nicely on the Barbie's that Grandma gave me for Christmas (and that Barbie could fly)

- coming home mad after winning a fight with a neighborhood kid and telling my dad "he fought like a girl"

- And the biggest one...being so upset when my brother got the Superman Underoos that I asked for and I got the stupid Wonder Woman panties (but the next year I got the Hulk Underoos)

[Guest Juniper Blue]

I can relate to so much of this ... I guess, I should have known that I was trans when I dropped out of a live-in "Christian Discipleship Program" (cult) at 19 because I had was told that I would have to do aerobics and couldn't lift weights with the guys (who were on probation from prison and were covered in gang tattoos.)

So .... there was even a "perk" ... being trans saved me from religious fanaticism! Yay.

JB

[Guest Masculinity]

I read almost every post...all of these apply to me but I'm going to mention some that nobody ever posted:

- When I started to find these ''hot guy talks'' between lots and lots of my female friends pointless, annoying and something not interesting.

- When I preffered talking about girls with guys, but sadly, I couldn't join in whenever my guy friends talked about girls.

- When I couldn't understand girls and their craziness for makeup, hair do's, jewelry, shopping and clothes...seriously, what's so good about that?

[Guest Jesse0319]

- at age 4, I thought that "tomboy" was a third gender for people who, for example, were "female" but not a "girl" xD

- in Jr. high when me and my friends were obsessed with Japan, all my friends added "-kun" to the end of my name (In Japan, there's a suffix added to the end of everyone's name depending on how you view the person. -kun is for boys)

- In preschool, I wouldn't play house unless I could be the dad/son

- I got the leading role of Mrs. Claus in a school play and I was furious because I wanted a boy part

- I'd come inside from playing and my mom had to make sure there weren't any worms in my pockets

- In high school, female friends would ask, "hey, there's a bunch of us gathering at X's house four hours before the dance so we can get ready. Want to come?" My response: WHY?!

- I got hit in the crotch and would double over in pain before remembering that there's nothing there to hurt

- My parents would tell me to behave like a young lady and I'd say "but I'm not a - oh. Right."

- I was jealous because my brother always got the "cool" Christmas gifts with dinosaurs, even though I'd told everyone in my family I wanted to be an arcaeologist and LOVED dinosaurs

- I'd get mad at my female friends for TELLING me that they have to "go"..."You don't need to tell me, just go....NO, I will not go with you!!"

- I tried to wear a nice dress shirt, tie, and dress pants to an event and was totally confused when my mom told me I didn't look decent

- I refused to go swimming unless I could wear swimtrunks and a T-shirt

- I was uncomfortable going into the women's "unmentionables" section of any store

- My mom would take me shopping for clothes, and when we got inside the store, I'd say, "Wait...this is a Women's store!! D: "

- I moved up into the "all girls" league of soccer, and I was concerned that I'd play too rough (since that's one of the reasons the league was divided)

- I hated "chick flicks" and often was the first one asleep at slumber parties because everyone wanted to watch them

I can't say that I'VE experienced this, but I found it hilarious:

- "When I had an imarginary boyfriend, HE got pregnant"

-Jesse