Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Kitten's Works


Guest 91curiouskitten

Recommended Posts

Guest 91curiouskitten

But I have to get rid of ym notebook, all thigns I have that MEN shouldnt have, like a little mini compsoition book of drawings and songs/poems arent masculine and as such are to be disappearing, most arent even about being TG, I'll explain them after I type them in

We sing songs of hate

We sing songs of war

We sing songs of rape

We sing songs or gore

But I sing a new rythm

Yeah I sing a new beat

One that'll get you off your feet

Its a smooth donkey rhyme

Its a twisted little game

The song I sing

Is a song of pain

I've lived I've laughed

I've Loved, I've died

I've stayed up all night

not a tear to cry

You ripped my heart out

You ruined my life

All with one word

You said Goodbye

Now I live alone

Afraid to go out

Trusting not a soul

Living in doubt

I dont know what to do

I dont know what to say

So I sit alone and pray

Waiting for day

But thats okay

I can take this beating

Cuz when I leave this world

You'll be the one weeping

After the funeral

When you wipe dry your lashes

Pick up my glasses

Put em on jus give them a try

See my life through my eyes

My Gf jus cheated on me ((I diddnt wanna have sex, apparently she did O.o))

Scared n alone

Here with no throne

My feet cant bear

What my heat and mind share

Heart beats thumps and thuds

Surrounded by fems and studs

Wondering if I fit

Wondering if I should split

Is this me?

If so why?

I scream these questions

Up to the sky

The whole time

Surrounded by friends

Just how friendly

Are the She's and hims?

I went to a support group and it was a bit overwhelming

I knwo they're awful, but I jus wanna hold onto them

Link to comment
  • Replies 71
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Sally

    6

Guest Donna Jean

Kitten.....

Very good...

You say exactly how you feel...

Makes me feel like helping you somehow.....

But, that's ok....

You know that you're loved...

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten
Kitten.....

Very good...

You say exactly how you feel...

Makes me feel like helping you somehow.....

But, that's ok....

You know that you're loved...

Donna Jean

Help me? I dont need help I'm fine

Link to comment
Guest ~Brenda~

My dearest Kitten,

You may think that everything is OK, but I see otherwise. Your topic began with the supposition that you had to get rid of your notebook because "men" do not have such things. Well you do. So what does that tell you about yourself?

Additionally, your poems have a deep sense of meloncholy about them. A sort of desparate sense of giving up. What are you actually crying for? Who are the support group you are seeking?

I do hope that you understand that we/I care deeply for your emotional well being.

You have chosen to be here at Laura's. You have waited the registration period. You wait for your posts to be approved. You express yourself here. Why?

I know why. Because you have questions, doubts, and fears. You are beginning to realize yourself and you have become afraid.

Dearheart, do not fear. You are safe, and I will help you.

Love

Brenda

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten
My dearest Kitten,

You may think that everything is OK, but I see otherwise. Your topic began with the supposition that you had to get rid of your notebook because "men" do not have such things. Well you do. So what does that tell you about yourself?

Additionally, your poems have a deep sense of meloncholy about them. A sort of desparate sense of giving up. What are you actually crying for? Who are the support group you are seeking?

I do hope that you understand that we/I care deeply for your emotional well being.

You have chosen to be here at Laura's. You have waited the registration period. You wait for your posts to be approved. You express yourself here. Why?

I know why. Because you have questions, doubts, and fears. You are beginning to realize yourself and you have become afraid.

Dearheart, do not fear. You are safe, and I will help you.

Love

Brenda

Everything isnt okay, but I'll live, regardless of weather or nto I want to be I'm tough and strong, in ways that are good for me as well as bad

As for the ntoebook, I am not the one who wants o get rid of it, Me and my grandmother have been having a back and forth voer it but it is destined to end in ym defeat so she asks and I simply obey for the time being, and I did choose to be here, even though I know I wear on peopels nerves and really dont fit in even here, I am nto afraid, I dont get scared, it does no good.

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten

Okay so I spoke before thinkin, I do get scared but its nothign I cant handle, I'll lvie, I psoted these here so that they wouldnt disappear, I am fine, help peopel who need it I do not

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten

We all cave in

We all feel weak

Legs drop out

Fall to our knees

Life sucks

Got no luck

Walk around

An empty husk

Happy, love, joy, all gone

Everyone says, move on

But this is me I can never be free

Never be free of me

I went to guy mode

Tried to hide me

Then I realized

I was living one big lie

Guy girl in between

All forms make me wanna scream

Whats wrong with me?

Why cant I be what they want me to be?

Betrayed by those I trust

My heart and my head are ready to bust

I tried to hard

and got a hole in my heart

What do you?

Ask for help and find none

Find relief at the barrel of a gun?

Find no joy under the rays of the sun

Friends family and home

All of these I have none

Am I a fool?

Am I a tool?

will I achive what I wish?

Or will I do what they all wish?

Put on a facade make a big smile

Live forever in the wordl of denial

Theres are OLD OLD OLD thigns I wrote a logn time ago not exactly rhyming scheme but I like em, actually after opiniosn on these!

As human beings, we seek the one to hold and to hold us during those times we truely need them. We seek this person because we know they will provide us wiht the greatest pelasures and comforts we shall ever known, weather those simple words that make all the other pain go away, or knowing when you jsut want to be alone, and staying with you anyways becausethey knwo you want to be with them even more. And then, this person who ahsgiven su the greates moments of our lives, causes us the greatest pain we ever known? Pushing us to the point where they killed us emotionally and we attemtp to finish the job with the sharp edged razr or the round tip of a bullet. So why, why do we go after someone capaale of amazing pleasure and comfort, yet an even larger pain and torutre?

Night time, the ultimate symbol of peace and quiet, where the mice scurry not and the birds quiet their song, laying in their nests as the world of slumber calls, and they obey the beckoning. Where you walk along the quiet streets, the only noise that of the wind brushing through the trees and the occasional car driving by, their headlights showing you the path you walk, the cool breeze of night brushing through your hair as a grain spreads on your face, your skin warm with a soft beat of your heart, the harsh burn of the sun no longer felt on your skin, you walk, because in the night, you can.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
Guest 91curiouskitten

We live, we laugh

Life goes on

We live, we cry

Life goes on

We live we scream

Life goes on

Surrounded by strangers

Life goes on

Outcast by family

Life goes on

All alone

Life goes on

Hugs from oruselves only

Life goes on

We hate our forms

Life goes on

We change our forms

Life goes on

We die in the body we finally want

Lifes no more, we're no more

Was it what you thought it would be?

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Kitten!

Complicated things going on with you! I could comment but all you really need to hear is - YES - I understand.

A PollyAnna answer is good but you won't get it from me. The bare truth? You will get through this! We all have something - and I am full of sorrow myself sometimes. It's very difficult to just live day to day WITHOUT our gender dysphoria - and a girlfriend who cheated, that's terrible! And then when life seems just tooooo much to bear... I know.

SO VENT AND VENT AND VENT! We ALL hear you.

And the poetry - don't sell yourself short! Its heartfelt - its real - its you!

Thank you for sharing - we get glimpses into your very soul - a gift from you to us!

So do know I read every word. I will go back and read it again. I might even come back over and over! That is what makes poetry, and I agree - songs - so memorable - so good. When something clicks with the reader.

So I won't comment on the events. Others can do that. All I can do is wish I could clasp your hands, look into your eyes, and say 'I understand." I do understand.

I do

Lizzy

"Life goes on.."

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

Kitten.....

Honey....those songs are YOU...and reflect your life events...

I thank you for sharing them and giving us a look into your heart....

Huggs...

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten

What do I do

To convice you

All I wanna do

Is be me

Why do I bow

Why do I cower

You dont ask why

You want all the pwoer

I jus wanna be me

Be free

So you see

all I can be

But you hold me

Control me

Never let go of me

Let me live

Let me smile

Feel joy

once ina while

I smile you scream

I giggle you steam

I frown you gleam

I'm dieing you see

Tryign to mvoe

Tryign to live

Wanna go on

Get away from this nuts

To doped to udnerstand

Why cant I be a man

Why cant I take a stand

Well I am

I'm guna be me

I'm gunna be free

I'm gunna show you

What I can be

You cant hold me back

Detour I will not

You can do what you want

But I wont play the part

Wont do what you want

Wont be who you wish

Quit takign them pills

You drug addicted b****((ahem))

((I know, I try to be dep and it turns out medicre and dumb, but I jus had a bad day with my mom, thats a different post, so, ya have to keep up wit me if u wanna see! :P lol sorry x.x forced happy x.x I shush now))

Link to comment

Oh, Kitten,

I haven't commented on your songs before but this one you wrote after a bad day with your mom has struck a chord so deep within me that its resonance must be audible.

Please know that at some point in your life you will need to break away from her control, you can not leagally until a certain age and after that it is still difficult - so if you ever do manage could you send me a guide as to how you did it.

I love your songs, they do say so much.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean
uhh, thanksies? o.o" I don gets it

You don't always "Get it" when Lizzy is involved.....

Just take your Hugg and be happy....

Donna Jean

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest 91curiouskitten

Someday, when I'm stronger

They'll all know, my name...

Someday, when the fogs gone

I'll no longer feel this, shaaaammmme...

I've grown uup

In this craaazy world

Where things arent what they seeem...

Maybey, I should never

Have tried to plays this game...

Moving, and tryyying

Brings only pain...

Living, as what they want,

I get some grand old times...

No longer, can I play this

Wanna scream whats on my miiiiind...

No more, can I stay here

My sanity is long gone...

Only, with my fears

They're all I seem to knoooow

And I'm tired

Of living this lie

No longer living

Just wish I would die

Trying, to move on...

Friends and family behind!

I dont know anymore

Just who I am

I dont know anymore

Just where I belong

Someday, when I'm free

I'll look back in time, and seeeee.

All of, my friends there

Who were with me the whoollle time!

Not udner my roof

Not over hte phone

Never heard their voice

But they've heldp me and my choice

There when family wasnt

Friends when none were left

Saving me many times

From fate worse then death.

So, even though you guys abrely get any lines HUGS to all ^^" I just wish I could get to the point where I could look abck, but, I'm sure you're all gunna help me get there and I hope I can help you all, not sure how but I'll try!

This is kinda like the stages of my whole thing, and I'm at the

No more, can I stay here

My sanity is long gone...

Only, with my fears

They're all I seem to knoooow

Part, so ltosa work to go x.x

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten

Why do you do this, to me?

Making it hard, just to breathe

You say you want a smile

I say, I want to be free

Why do you do this, to me?

I've tried to make you happy,

I've tried to make you proud

You try to make me normal

A good boy from the south

Why do you do this, to me?

Making it so hard, just trying to breath

You say you want a smile

I say I want to be free

Why do you do this, to me?

I walk these halls, an empty shell

Afraid I'd shatter if I fell

I try just to smile

And it comes out just a frown

Why do you do this, to me?

Making it so hard, just trying to breath

You say you want a smile

I say I want to be free

Why do you do this, to me?

Criticism or tips wanted on this one o.o

Link to comment

Wow, Kitten!

I love these songs - I can almost hear them as I read - I think that you have a great talent for expressing yourself, the true feelings like seeing the disease rather than just the symptoms - such a clear and vivid picture for me from each one.

"I walk these halls, an empty shell

Afraid I'd shatter if I fell"

That is put so well and explains just how I feel too.

Remember that you do have so many friends here and we are always ready to respond with a cheerful word or a friendly *hug* and cocoa and cookies if those will help.

While in our daily lives we may not feel it at all - here we are loved and it is such an incredible feeling.

Know that you are loved, always,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten

Thats part of the problem though :( Its so, dishearteneign, to find your only support and acceptance from people you never see, whose voices you never hear, the only words of consolation the toneless emotionless words primnted on a screen, btu it does help, so thanks ^^

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten

Cursed to live

I live my life

Doomed to die

I live my life

I walk these streets

I wish to die

Even at home

I always cry

Cant stop

Cant think

Cant breathe

I'm a freak

Cant stop

no I cant think

Cant breathe

I'm just a freak

Peopel stare

And peopel laugh

Hate myself

But forced to laugh

Cant stop

Cant think

Cant breathe

Another freak

Link to comment

Oh my, Kitten

I thought that you were feeling a little better the last time we talked but I don't think so.

Do remember you are not a freak, you are a beautiful young lady and that is all.

If you do not think of yourself as a freak you are not - their opinions are uninformed and therefore unimportant.

You had mentioned how disheartening it is to only be understood and loved here on the Internet - I have the same problem - life is what you make of it so I am here whenever you need me.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest 91curiouskitten

Not a rhymign poem, not even a [poem, not sure what it si O.o

Isolation of Anonymity

Seeking others

But seeking nobody

We want nobody to know us

But pray them to find us

We see nobody

But pray to see everybody

We put everythign on people we dont know

People we've never seen, heard, met

We bear everythgin to them

Is it human nature?

Are so safe with our Anonymity?

Is it a comfort to know we can never receive comfrt?

No hand to hold oyur chin and look into your eyes

No hand to brush the tears away

No kiss to make it all okay

No hugs, nods of udnerstanding, coo's of concern

All you have are words, no emotion, no tone to them

We are isolated, sitting at computers

Isolated against the world

But we are known in a place of unknowns

Seekign comfort from those who can never give it

We are isolated from the world

But we are surrounded by the peopele of the word

We are surrounded, and yet we are alone

Friends with peopel whom we never met

We are isolated

In a world of Anonymity

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 141 Guests (See full list)

    • MaeBe
    • Charlize
    • Piper
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • VickySGV
    • April Marie
    • Ashley0616
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...