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Guest 91curiouskitten

Kitten's Works

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Guest 91curiouskitten

Oh, um, ty o.o?"

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Guest Mirei

kitten I feel so similar to you...

I know people here want to give comfort, hugs, and so on, but...

When I think about it, these are all people so far away...

They don't really know me, I don't really know them,

I'm really still all alone, with no one who really loves me

I'm sorry that I'm being direct but...

Say if I killed myself today,

It is not as if people here would notice or care......

Except maybe one less whiner to deal with...... (>_<)

Mirei

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Guest 91curiouskitten

Thats one of the reason's I HATE thats hugs emoticon in chat, first off becuase its so happy, there are sad hugs, there are serious hugs, and when you;re having a serious dicussion tis almsot as if its mocking you and also because its a constant remidner that peopel want to help btu in the end all they can do is be letters on your screen, they cant be there when your hunched over crying on your bed and want desperately to just rest in someoens arms and not have to worry, just be able to cry in someones arms, someone who can say its okay or even just somethign warm to wrap your arms around x.x

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Guest 91curiouskitten

According to plan

I'm to be a man

According to life

That was a lie

Acccording to me

I just dotn know

According to you

I'm some kinda freak show

According them them

I'm going to hell hell

According to us

Things are not well

According to him

I'm a disgrace

According to her

She cant look me face to face

So, what am I?

A man, a lie?

A freak or a doomed soul?

I just dont know

Its worth it in the end

But will I make it?

Suffering, pain is all I know

Sticker on ym door says

*Warning: Freak Show*

Door locked, always clsoed

Even the suns not allowed

Nobody can see and nobdoy can hate

Everythigns clsoed to hdie my face.

Cant go on

Cant even move

Lifes so dark

Not sure I even want to

Wanna live

Wanna breathe

wanna move

all ym time is spent now wondering

Is it worth it?

No, not a poem, no, its not good lol, but still x.x keep in mind, I type these right there and now, this isnt writ or olooked over, its just typed there and then, and NO saying I'm sorry I hoep it works out, etc etc, Im sad angry etc etc, I write these after I write them, I'm A'ok, perfectly fine afterwards, if you wanna say somethign about the POEM, go ahea,d but nothign about me T.T

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Guest Donna Jean

Kitten.....

Just let it flow...it's good for you.

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

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Guest 91curiouskitten

Its all because of you

I wish you never knew

Its all because of you

I breakdown screaming now

You like to laugh at me

You love to kill me slowly

You like to slay my pride

You want to make me cry

Its all because of you

I wish you never knew

Its all because of you

I breakdown screaming now...

Its all because of you...

Its all because of you...

I hear your voice, inside my head

I just wish I was dead

Screaming at me all day

I want to scream and say

Its all because of you!

I wish you never knew!

Its all because of you!

I breakdown screaming now!

Its all because of you!

I wish you never knew!

Its all because of you!

I breakdown screaming now!

Its all because of you...

I wish you never knew...

Its all ebcause of you...

I breakdown screaming now...

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Guest KellyKat

Hi Kitten

I like the way you let your emotions flow thru your words.

Not always an easy thing to do. Good to let things out.

Even when I have good days, I write about the past and pain.

And I just feel better letting them go.

Luv Kat :)

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Guest 91curiouskitten

The worlds gone by

The worlds gone by

I stand still and the worlds gone by

I stand here

Thinking and crying

Debating life while dieing

Not sure what to do

Where to go

Not sure who tro trust

Or who I even know

You're my friend

They're my foe

You stabbed me in the back

They're by my side

I barely know me

Yet I know you

We stop

Wake up, it sjust a dream

Lifes even worse then it seems

Cant move

Wont rbeathe

Just wanna sleep

Dream hurts

But there I feel

Here I'm steel

Cant be hurt

But cant be loved

Shunned from below

And cursed from above

No peace for my soul

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Guest 91curiouskitten

I seeee aa coldness in your eyes

Looking at me so disgruntled

I seee the furrry in that ice

Trying to shun me

So many questions all them lies

You dont really care

I see your hatred with ym eyes

The thigns your mouth wont share

You hate me

You shun me

You berate me

you think tis funny

Make you jokes

Spread your lies

dont make me hate

myself even more

Stare in the mirrow

who do I see?

Me or her?

I jus cant tell

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Guest 91curiouskitten

I hurt myself today

To see if I could feel

The world around is fake

The pain is the only thing real

The wrold around me spins

But I'm still stuck in place

Judged not by who I am

But only by my face

When I die just a name

My tomb just a place

My memeory a fake

My heart filled with hate

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Guest 91curiouskitten

So cold against this world

The suns rays cant fight this chill

The moons gleam my only comfort

The cold rain my only home

I wish for joy

But fear it to

Its somethign strange

Its somethign new

I cuddle pain

My friend for years

It may be the cause

But it wipes awya my tears

Its my friend when I'm happy

Because it fights the joy

Its my friend when I'm sad

Its like my favorite toy

I've known it forever

Its always been there

The only thing I can depend on

The only thign that cares

It keeps me sane

It makes me feel

It keeps me whole

It keeps me real

Its somethign I can count on

Its somethign always there

Its soemthgin I rely on

The only thign that cares

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Guest 91curiouskitten

You see me smile see me frown

You see me laugh and joke around

You see me cry and fall down

Screaming until I cant make a sound

You do nothing you just watch

You do nothing to help

You let me die

I reach for your hand

I scream for your help

My lips dont move

But my heart cries out

You do nothing you just watch

You do nothing to help

You let me die

I see your true side now

I see who you are

Not my mother of friend

Not any more

You do nothing you just watch

You do nothing to help

You let me die

I go to my friends

At least they pretend

A flase acceptance

Is better in the end

You do nothing you just watch

You do nothing to help

You let me die

I dont know who I am

I dot know who to trust

Hold my head in my hands

Its about to burst

I dont know what to do

I dont know where to go

False smiles surround me

They're all I now know

You do nothing you just watch

You do nothing to help

You let me die

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Guest 91curiouskitten

You walk around, knowing inside your heart something si missing. You search, emotionally, mentally, even around the house, searchign for this piece of you that you cant seem to find. Its been gone for so long, you cant even remember what is missing, you just know that in the back of your mind it isnt there anymore. You dont know how long its been gone, or when you first noticed its disappearance, and in truth you never cared that much. It was never really that important to you, but you know it held some kind of signifcance to someoene who related to you. You keep looking, the sense of somethign missing growing mroe and more pominant in your mind, the label of this missing thing on the tip of your tongue, you struggle to realize what it is, struggle to find what it is, wherre it is, and what it is doing missing. Finally, you find what it is, its me, I've been missing for years, and you passed me off as a simple thought, gone with the thought of somethign else, somethign more important, until finally you managed to bury me away in a deep cold dark cell in your mind, the only time you bother strugglign to remember is out of sheer boredom, or to ease the nagging in your mind. Now that you;ve found me, what do you do? You start it all over, somethign flashes across your mind, and once more, I become a missing thought that you hold in reserve to think upon for your simple amusement.

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Sally

Kitten,

I have been reading through your poems and other works here and I know how hard it must be for you to write and even harder to live these things.

I am especially disturbed by the ones about not being remembered or listened to - I have that feeling from my mother and sister who I came out to and they decided for me that I was not trans so they will not discuss it at all - I am just wrong and don't even know what I think or feel - it is like I am a non-person when I am around them.

Constant frustration is far from a healthy way to life, I so hope that you can make a change soon, you desperately need it.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Polly

kitten - critcsm of your heartfelt poems is not needed - they are wonderful .

I just wish that i could soften the hurt ... but no one can .

Pollydee

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Guest 91curiouskitten

My mind is almost empty, I know this cant go on, I lvie my life so empty, losing my mind!

I live in this world, my body is numb, my life is one big swirl!

Cant seem to get my foot in,just cant seem to go on!

This blades cut right through my skin, the scars are sinking in!

Now its all over for me! Its all over!

Blood stains our floors dark red, blood drips from down my tips...

I slice away at my form, lifes gone with just one slip!

Cant let the next breath enter, cant let that last pulse thump...

I cant live no longer, I try this all in vain!

Now its all over for me, ITS ALL OVER!

Now I fin-a-lly cave in, I let this sorrow Win...

Lifes weight crushes me now, its under my skin!

Plans fall apart around me, the scars have sunken in!

Now its all over for me, Its all OVER!!!

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Guest 91curiouskitten

Also thanks for the thought polly ifd only it was that easy :P

And sally, more or less thats how it is but mother is really surprising ye lately, I'm curious to see how this summer is gunna go ^_^

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Guest 91curiouskitten

Have you ever known whats it like to hate yourself

To be filled with pain and to be full of all this hate

To look in the mirror and wonder every day

If its worth the price of living when isnide you jsut decay

Is it worth to lvie this life and to be filled with all this pain

Is is worth it in the end to be full of all this shame

When you dont know what to do and you dont know where to go

When you feel you're on a display like the star of a freak show

Have you ever stayed up in your room at 3 a.m

With a gun to head tryign to make it end

Or maybey just a knife pressed to your wrists

All the pain gone in just a couple slits

thsi world we live in so cold

Theres no lfie and theres no love

we're all just living corpses

The smiles are fake and they are all forced

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Guest 91curiouskitten

I dont wanna be afraid, I dont wanna run away

I dont wanna hate, who, I, am!

I dont know who I am

I dont know who I'll be

I dont even care

Just set me free!

I dont wanna be afraid, I dont wanna run away

I dont wanna hate, who, I, am!

My worlds spinning

Its good then tis bad

Im happy then I'm sad

MY worlds just falling apart!

I dont wanna be afraid, I dont wanna run away

I dont wanna hate, who, I, am!

I'm bent and bruised

Burnt and broken!

I dont wanna be afraid, I dont wanna run away

I dont wanna hate, who, I, am!

But I do

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Sally

Kitten,

The most telling lines you have ever said are in your last poem here.

I dont wanna hate, who, I, am!

But I do

I am not sure just how to tell you to do it but I do know that if you hate yourself nothing can ever get better, you have got to learn to love yourself - it changes everything.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest 91curiouskitten

Not gunna lie, I spent about a hour googling Cure for Gender Dysphoria, and also Straight Camp for Ts/Tv/Tg, if there was a pill I could take to make this delusions of the wrong body go away I'd take it and smile with a thank you. Am I screwy in the head? Well obviously!!! I am of the knowledge that my body is wrong for my mind, its genetic its in the brain, that means its some sort of chemical imbalance, and I jus got unlucky and my brain wanted to toss me a curveball lol, I've tried quitting, just locking everything away, giving it all to my mother or something and then not even a week after a unch of sighs and razors Im back because even in this hatred for hwat I am, I realize I cant stop, I'm an alchoholic and womans clothing, my clothing, is my hard liquor, until I can figuer out a better way to express it. I hate what I am, but I know it is what I am, the thoughts of oh maybey this is jsut a phase passed out a little bit ago, I still do not see myself as a girl, but I know its hwat I am, but I see myself as Tg, and I know I cant just drop this, I can drop alchohol, smoking, chewing tobaco like a hot potatoe, and never look back ((I was an alchoholic at 16 brother kinda got me into it along with our friend thomas)) decided well I'm gunna enlist, so no more liquor for me, never looked back, never had a urge to drink, or smoke or anything, jsut, Im gunna stop, so I did. This, I cant, even when I'm trying I'll jus be looking down wal-mart, and playing my secret touch game. Basically, whenever I'm wlakign throught eh clothing section, I always imagine, whatever I touch with my hands I'll own, and guess what my hands always find, you guessed it, did that for as long as I can remember lol it always amde and makes me happy, jsut picturing it sitting at home waiting in ym closet. Then, after I realize what I did, I hate myself, I'm trying to be normal why am I still screwing everythign up like this? Why is the constant thoughts of that would look cute or I wish I could jsut wake up in the body of my dreams and live my life, why cant I wake up when I'm younger and get so much done, get a better body, nto do this and stay in shape etc etc, and then, I cave in, dres sup and feel A.M.A.Z.I.N.G, for those who dont know what amazing means, its this

A.mazing

M.AMAZING

A. mazing

Z. AMAZING

You get the point lol

So, I cant love myself because I hate myself, and I cant go from one extremem to the other over night nor do I think I will ever love me for what I am

Sorrz, this kinda went off point a bit, had a good day which ended horribly, Dressed up for my best friend and his GF, and they were like, alright, whatever its cool, so I went around all day with the undergarment and jeans, and nobody cared, everyone was fine, so I was so happy, come home, hate myself for thirty minutes, ponder the possibilties and future, then come on here n check everything, I ruin my own good days lol. As for all the lol's and XD's I add them to everything so sorry lol

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Guest 91curiouskitten

If you see me, you're seeing the wrong me

If you love me, you;re loving somebody else

If you're hating me, I still feel it

If you hit me, I still hurt

Theres a person on the inside

They feel whats on the otuside

Theres a person on the otuside

Who wishes to be the one inside

Im in a struggle to win

I'm in a struggle ot beat myself

One side hates the other

The other just wants to be free

I dont know who I am

Is the real me locked away?

Is the hated one locked away?

Is the hated one out to the world?

Who do you hate?

Why do you hate them?

Do yuo hate me?

Or do you hate what I want to be?

Why hate me at all?

Who am I?

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Guest Donna Jean

I love that, Kitten....

The wrong you...who do you hate....?

Sad, Hon...

But, very good...I like it...

LOVE

Donna Jean

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Guest 91curiouskitten

I hate both, the otuside because its wrong and I'm forced to live it every day and the inside because it isnt what I am, its just a desire to be somethign, but the isnide has made everything more difficult then it need be, more painful then anything, and all around horrible and it wont leave

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Guest 91curiouskitten

Lemme say that you dont know me

Let me say that you dont care

Dont try and stop me on my goal

Just trying to be free

I try to talk I try to listen

Try to see your position

But you dont move nor do I

I wont move till the day I die

Is it far or is it near

the choice is in your hands

Cant go on living in fear

Cant go on with these games

Got a gun to my head

I can taste the iron

Just one more pound of pressure

And I'm off and flying

Im gunna do I swear

Dont even think I'm lieing

Wont nobody care

Wont nobody be crying

Will I live or will I die

the choice is up to you

Cuz when I cry you smile

And when I smile you cry

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