Did Anyone... Switch?

[Guest Tabe]

Was anyone here born cisgender, and then, later, had their gender switch on them, so they became transgendered?

The reason I'm asking this is because I was born a straight, cisgender female. Right body, right mind, most common sexuality, everything was all set.

As a child I wore dresses. No problem. I had long hair up until high school. Loved it. I played with dolls, yes, even Barbie, and made up a million stories about them. I hated sports, couldn't care less for cars, and had no affinity for anything related to bugs. Yes, your typical girl. I don't think I could even identify as a tomboy. Hell, I know I couldn't.

Yet, as of two years ago, I started to question my gender identity. I believe that my gender, although mostly female, would sometimes flip over to being male. A short time later, it would switch back to female. Those short periods didn't bother me, I just thought they were odd.

As time passed, the duration and intensity of the male gender increased to where it was 50/50, a la bigendered. The times I was male I would feel a growing hatred of my body, especially my chest. I started paying more attention to my behaviors to make them more masculine, and just hoped it would end there.

But it didn't stop. I just became more and more "male", to the point now, where I am male almost all the time and may be female for a day or two at once a month or so. Those days are getting shorter every time they pop up. The discomfort with my body has pretty much peaked, and I'm seeing a gender therapist.

So, here I am, about 18 years later, and I can swear that I'm a gay man... WHAT THE HELL?

Has anyone ever had a similar experience? I really hope that I'm not the only one--I mean, talk about an oddity of oddities.

[Guest Rika-chama]

My experience is very similiar and confusing. I grew up a lesbian girl (my gayness was obvious as a child to me) When I was very little I wore dresses, had barbies, hated sports, hate bugs, and had long hair. When I got a little older I became a tomboy and hated dresses and hung out with guys. I still had long hair and was still a girl. Now enter high school I realize that I am a lesbian and like you start to question my gender. I come to accept that maybe I am a boy and over a period of many months I accept this and ignore all my girly-ness of my past. I am still not very manly in how I hate sports, bugs, and hang out with girls but I know that I am a boy even if I haven't always been.

So from a year I have switched from a lesbian to a man. I hate my female body and want more than anything to get a mens one. I always see shws on how trans people have always known and I always thought that I was weird because I haven't. I'm glad to meet another "weird" person like me

Ni-paa~

[Guest Sakura_Stingray]

hmmm....come to think of it mine was pretty similar...except the opposit.....i was born male...over the years of growing i would play some sports, experience playying in the mud..never had friends, before i knew how i felt and even after...i used to love toy cars..you hot wheels ones...then colllected models which progressed to creating my own model designs out of paper, full functional models, mostly airplanes... i think it was around 11 or so i started to change....it could have sparked my interest in prooving myself to the school that they misunderstood their choice in dealing with me....i too hate this body...the deformed body of mass in which i call a corpse...the corpse of a body in which a new mental body emerged...i have decided that untill i reduce my own body mass i will never have the courage to tell my mom....but i can safely say it here, and only here online....i think im afraid of backing up my own ideas.....or scared of questions on how i feel this way and why i would want to.....i still feel 50/50 though

or maby this is a cry for people to acknoledge me

[Guest Mr. Fox]

I did not switch, but I didn't recognize my gender issues as a child because they were mostly irrelevant. Puberty was a wakeup call.

[Guest Rika-chama]

I sometimes get scared that I'm not truly TS because I didn't start feeling this way when I was a child. Sure I hated puberty but that was because I developed earlier than all the other girls. Sometimes I feel like I'm not as trans as other trans people if that makes any sense. These feelings have only been really strong for about a year or so not my whole life

Ni-paa~

[Guest Mr. Fox]

I felt the same way for a while, but thinking back there were issues present as a child, and just because we could not figure out what was going on does not mean we are not transsexual. It just means we were stupid ignorant little kids

[Guest st.john]

wow - it's kind of amazing to read your post, because it describes a hell of a lot of the things I am starting to question about myself.

I never had as much of an issue with being a girl when I was younger - i played with dolls & stuffed animals just as much as i did cars & trains & rocks & dirt. (I was a dinosaur *fanatic* though, still am to a degree, although that really has nothing to do w/ gender.)

I did wear boys clothes sometimes starting in middle school, though I always thought it was just more of a comfort thing, as well as a way of rejecting the shallow "social-status-based-on-clothes" thing that went on a LOT at my school. I remember that while I was attracted to a few boys, for the most part, I just so desperately wanted to be 'one of the guys' and hang out & be friends with them. However, because I was 'the weird girl' and people were constantly questioning my sexuality (still a LOT of homophobia in rural NC), I was pretty much rejected by both sides, save for a small handful of friends. I've hated my body for years, but always just figured it was typical female body-image & self-esteem issues.

In recent years, esp. since college, I have started to wear mens' clothes more & more, and cut my hair very short. People usually describe me as 'tomboy-ish', but not overly masculine. The idea that I want to *be* a guy didn't really come about until I got heavily involved in online role-playing. I noticed that all the characters I write are male - they're just more fun & I can relate to them better. I can't write a realistic female for shite - they always seemed to come out extremely weak & passive, or horifically bitchy. Several people began to assume - just through speaking to me & reading my writing - that I was a guy, and I found that a part of me really enjoyed that, & tried to perpetuate it.

But I didn't think I could really be properly trans because I am straight. I am in a committed long-term relationship with a guy, and have no attraction to women whatsoever. (I find other people's girlie bits as repulsive as my own.) The few people I mentioned the whole "I want to be a boy" thing to, immediately pointed out the fact that I would be a gay male, not a straight one, which they insist is really weird & unusual. I also have my doubts that I am actually trans, b/c when I do see myself as male, it's as more of a somewhat feminine or pretty gay guy than an super-masculine manly man.

Everyone always seems to say it's something they've always known, subconsciously or no, but that's not the case for me. So I don't know if I am really trans or not.

I guess the gist of all this is that you're not alone!! I don't know - maybe it still is kind of uncommon - but maybe it helps to know that there are other people questioning some of the same sort of things? I dunno, I hope at least all my male bovine crap helps a little bit? If not, someone on this site really needs to tell me to shut up & love off & that I don't belong here, and I will. Sorry.

[Guest Mr. Fox]

Being gay and trans is pretty normal. Just talk to Sergei on this forum, he's gay. And I'm bi, and being repulsed by my own genitalia actually makes by attractions to males stronger.

[Guest harvester52]

I have never found an attraction to men, and I am not attracted to society-standard "beautiful" women (models, actresses, etc.) I have a strange taste in women, and my attraction is about 95% platonic. I'm just not a physical guy. I probably would be if I had the right genitals to be, but I'm so uncomfortable with my current "down there" situation that I don't think I could get physical with a woman outside of kissing/hugging/snuggling a little.

[Guest Ryles_D]

As a child I wore dresses. No problem. I had long hair up until high school. Loved it. I played with dolls, yes, even Barbie, and made up a million stories about them. I hated sports, couldn't care less for cars, and had no affinity for anything related to bugs. Yes, your typical girl. I don't think I could even identify as a tomboy. Hell, I know I couldn't.

Oh, I have so many polly pockets and my little ponies still. And had cleared out the top bunk of my bed (perk of being only child) for all my barbies. Played with them past the age I should've, too. My hair's been long for as long as I can remember, only recently cut it short and I'm still getting used to it. Sports I didn't mind, it was the competition I hated, I'd rather just have fun. And I'm still not past my fear of creepy-crawlies, though I am working on it. None of that made me a girl.

Honestly, my story confuses the heck out of me because anyone looking at me would say "Girl" and I'm sitting here saying "Boy. Strange little boy. That boy is so darn lucky he was born with a girl's body because otherwise he would've been beat to a pulp by age 7 for acting like such a wuss."

I like designing outfits and knowing what goes with what, I like wearing skirts, I like braiding and playing with hair. I still know I'm a guy (or on the male side of neutral), and not a particularly sissy one, either. I barely even know how to explain it, but I like boys in skirts. I don't want to dress like a girl. I also don't want what I can wear to be limited because of some idiotic idea of what men should and shouldn't look like. Not that I wear a skirt all the time, just at cons and halloween when guys are "allowed" to.

As for sexuality: I'm homo-asexual. I like boys. I don't want to do anything beyond kissing, and I don't mean with tongue.

[Guest Nicodeme]

I was just thinking about this not even an hour ago...but I pretty much came to the same conclusion as Mr. Fox did:

I did not switch, but I didn't recognize my gender issues as a child because they were mostly irrelevant. Puberty was a wakeup call.

I still got confused when referred to as a "girl" but (or rather because) the title didn't really hold any meaning for me. But puberty got me researching what it took to transition.

[Guest OneOutOfnOne]

I was born a male, and for a long time I put in a good effort at trying to be socially adjusted as a male. And now I'm old enough to have decided that it's just not for me. I never questioned my gender when I was young, but then, the male gender role was never forced on me by my parents, so there wasn't much present conflict for me to be aware of. I just didn't acknowledge my gender as being at all important either positively or negatively until I was older.

[Guest Dandro]

Thank you so much for posting this. I've never been on the forums before, but I go in the chat, and I asked this question there but they weren't being very helpful... so I came here, and there's your post right on the top! Sure, there's a few differences, but all in all our experiences are pretty similar. I was pretty feminine as a child. I liked wearing dresses and playing with dolls, and I wanted to grow my hair down to the floor. I liked boys, and I never cared for sports or anything considered masculine really. Well, I did like bugs, but that's just because I loved all living things. I don't know if my male side was suppressed, or I just didn't have one yet. It came out when I was 11, but only online. It was a different site of me, completely separate from my 'real' life. I felt disconnected and unaware of my body when I was online. I wasn't 'pretending' to be a guy... I just was, period. At first, I didn't think anything of it. I still continued my life normally as a girl, and looked feminine for years. After a while, I started becoming so addicted to being a guy online that my 'real' life felt like a dream. Sometimes when I was out, I would daydream about an alternate universe where I was really a guy. I would alter the situations I was in slightly, usually changing everyone else's gender with me. For example, if I kissed a guy I'd pretend it was a girl and I was the guy. If i was out with my girl friends, I'd pretend I was hanging with the guys. I still didn't realize how serious it was until a few years ago, when I started telling people online the 'truth'... but, "I'm really a girl" felt so wrong and hurt me badly to say. I tried accepting it, but then it hit me that I'm not a girl. Suddenly I started dressing more masculine, and became all too aware of my body... and that's where I am now. I hate everything about being considered female, and I just want so badly to be a regular guy. I want my online 'fantasy' to become reality. There are times when I feel more on the feminine side, but I still feel like a guy. My dual nature makes me doubt myself and if I am really trans. Most of them seem to have felt male it for as long as they can remember. The fact that I have or at least had a female side makes everything really confusing. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one, though.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Tabe,

Your experience is not unusual. The major catagory of transsexuals is "late onset transsexual". This means that one's gender identity does not become acute until later in life. Although throughout my life I have had some degree of gender identity issues, it did not become acute until my forties. During most of my life, I lived my biological gender role and I admit, I have many a good memory doing so

Don't worry hon. You are OK

Love

Brenda

[Guest Flistan]

Eh, I pretty much grew up as a bigendered tomboy, lol... I was always seen female, loved dress-up and jewelry, all that stuff, but I LOVED playing in the woods, making forts, indoor tents, box-rockets, soccer, carrying grandaddy longlegs in my bookbag as a pet... haha

It's really weird- I feel like before I "discovered" myself I subconsciously wanted to know more, like there was someone else inside of me dropping hints. I always said I'd either make a great lesbian or I was a gay guy in a girl's body. >< Now I'm a somewhat masculine, asexual (mostly) androgyne. ><

As for my body, I don't HATE it... I just wish I was more able to physically pass as a guy. Stupid wide hips and large breasts!!! CURSES!!! But yeah, every now and then I might, MIGHT, think about wearing a dress... usually for Halloween, lolz. Masquerade ftw.

I do, however, hate that I'm not intersexed, because to me that would be the best of both worlds.

I'm not sure if you can say that I "changed" or not, but I do feel like I've changed a lot on what I accept to be possible, opening up my feelings and have somewhat changed a little? idk... Like I didn't realize how much I thought about women until I connected the dots, but I don't really have any attraction to them at all. Weird... So haven't changed as much, just changed my perspective.

[Guest JeanVier]

Wow. Good topic, Tabe.

When I first began my gender journey (lol), I felt that there was no way I could be trans because I did not give much thought to gender issues until between age 8-12... I think so many things happen in one's life that could be interpreted in so many different ways, and while I, if looking for Early Evidence of Certain Trans-ness, could find instances of male identification, the overwhelming story is one of girlness.

I played with Barbies, and I wore dresses all the time. I loved small animals, soft fabrics, and enjoyed experimenting with makeup. Yet, I grew up in an outrageously conservative and religious family, so anything except feminine behaviour was discouraged and disciplined. I think that I was almost shamed into being 100% feminine, that this life-story did not have any room to see what might be, so concerned I was that I be the perfect little girl sought by my parents and family.

When puberty started, I remember, now, that I felt so pleased that my mother described my body as 'a little boy body,' even though she said it spitefully. I remember being distraught that my chest was growing, and when the monthly event began, I felt traumatised-- yet I had no words for these feelings. It seemed like my body betrayed me, that it was not supposed to change in this direction, that it was not supposed to veer off from androgyny and go into femininity, but I did not have the words and therefore could not put these feelings into language... I was just ashamed of my body and ashamed of my shape.

From 10-17 I struggled with an eating disorder, something I now see related to my gender identity-- but at the time it was just "I do not want these curves, I want to be flat," not "I want to be a boy". And, if you can believe this, from about 15-18 I came out to myself as a lesbian, and a strong/militant feminist, and viewed men as The Oppressor and The Enemy. (And now I see this as a strong attempt to deny and cut off that masculine aspect of myself, but I truly believed that I was a feminist lesbian and men were not good.) I entered college, the militant lesbian phase ended, and I existed in an androgynous/bi/pansexual limbo...

Fall 2007, I happened upon a lecture by Leslie Feinberg, and so much fell into place. I struggled with denial, excuses, et cetera until Summer 2008, but now I know that I am trans. I know that I feel male, that this female body is not right for me.

So, could I say that I 'always knew I was trans'? No. Would I have if I had lived in a more urban place, been exposed to more kids growing up, been exposed to trans-ness earlier? Perhaps. I would argue that so much of this, for me, has been learning the language and learning to listen to myself.

-JV

[Guest childofwinter]

I'm not really sure what my gender identity is, and as far as I know there was no confusion for me when I was a child, apart from a few memories that may or may not be accurate. I only began to seriously consider my gender identity in my early twenties (I'm 24), and as far as I can tell, I'm probably an androgyne although I don't rule out the possibility that I might be a transwoman. I definitely would prefer a more feminine body and I hate having hair anywhere other than on my head and down below. There's a lot of attributes and stereotypes about men that I just don't have.

[Guest Nameless]

Its weird, im sort of the opposite to most of these responses. When I was really young I hated my gender a lot.. Then from about age 10 until last year I was pretty much fine with it, or at least I didnt pay it any attention. Its much more of an issue now, but also I know that I have been trying to repress these ideas for at least a year :S I remember trying to actually change my mind on the subject by forcing myself to do more masculine things

Then I realized what I was doing and now im sort of.... here (here being a place where I second-guess myself every 5 minutes )

[Guest Polly]

As a hard of hearing XY child , with a high functioning form of Autism , I was confused by the entire girl / boy thing .

Even today , the complexity of two kinds of people sends me crazy ... I just can't resolve what is natural and easy for virtually everyone else .

Anything She or He , clothes , toys , loos , anything just sends my mind into a kind of flickering disbelief ...

Autism means that IT or IT ISN"T .

SAME / NOT SAME .

... not SAME / DIFFERENT .

People are able to perceive BUS by it's function - wheels / goes somewhere / pay / seats / etc .

The form or shape of BUS is immaterial .

This is very clever ' cos it means they can ' recognise ' new things which they have never seen before and create kinda categories based on abstract ideas of function / use .

... I can't . Different shoes , another mug and I have to learn balance etc all over again .

Multiply this by EVERYTHING and chaos rules KO .

School BUS [ first encountered ? ] is less dreamstate , as are some things of the 1950s , but any ' BUS ' which does not have those precise combination of actual shapes ,

is broken , not bus , what is it ? Anxiety .

The hard drive was full by about 10/12 years [ puberty and terror time ? ] as I can't delete old files and substitute new .

Wierd huh ?

This seems to have affected infant me .

The onus of caregivers was Good Boy . So I had to learn Good Boy .

Unfortunately all XY ' boys ' were broken , not same , scary for me .

The obvious solution - find other girls / women being boys !

My mentors and playmates were XX people on the fringe / fridge of early post war [ UK ] society - tweedy women with a woman companion , lonely butch librarians , severe awkward Autistic women .

Tomboys who led games of cowboy and house ....

Mum told me that I would never go to men , that concerned men would try to draw me out , and I would draw away in fear - abuse from boys / men was fine [ kinda goes with Autism ] , but kindness was trying to take me

into an alien place which they assumed I know about .... it was and is like making me not be ... making me a ghost , struggling to cling to me being / nature / identity .... of Heidi child .

I wished away noise and terror at about 2 years . I had no idea that this assault was about ' men ' , only that SHE ' songs ' frequencies ' are RIGHT / REAL and NOT SHE is terrifyiing .

Now , normally it's not a GOOD IDEA to wish away 50% of potential care givers and men have helped me along the way , despite my hidden fear and apprehension .

But a child is not a little angel to be imprinted - it's a raw , wild , savage , instinctual , anything , cutting off a limb , to save ITSELF .

I guess this was my response , so , from day one , I only listened to HER songs .

Don't forget that we are inside , looking out - we only see ourselves from others perceptions and reflection . My daughter showed me a photo of an early Birthday party , all girsl except for one little boy

who turned out to be gay . She assumed it was this way for me , as there were all girls at my parties .

But there were all girls - I could see no little boy , and somehow , neither could they , 'cos we shared a language , a frequency .

This holds good today among groups of She people [ and XX bois , 'specially if they learned Tomboy too ! ]

So , I was actually never a ' girl ' nor was I ' boy ' , autism makes trying to be a man or woman almost impossible 'cos they are kinda learned performances based on rules I can't grasp

[ which is why so many ASD women wear simple clothes , or what appears to be the same , seemingly masculine / comfortable outfits all the time ]

What I am is a SHE spirit , through and through - how much of this is learned by a desperate , attentive deaf-ish child relying on minute visible clues , so as to know who is safe or sorry ...

I can't say , but there has to be a reason why a changeling child could not ' see ' local cultures and looked beyond to those wonderful women and their Fringe Benefits .

Experts would argue my self Anna Lysis [ I adore puns 'cos my head goes through all the possibilities 'cos I struggle with contex , so if you can't beat 'em ... embrace 'em ]

but I was shocked how they would put a groan up interpretation on a child's puzzled attempts to cope .

Sometimes we have to look to the improbable to find ours'elves . And I like my Heidi elf now .

Pollydee