Blips And Blobs

[Guest ch00]

I'm somewhere in the mtf/crossdresser/intergender areas, but without specific location.

This is what I said in my introduction post. It's true, I guess, to some extent. I continuously reflect.

So, I don't really know how to continue this post from here.. I hope nothing upsets anyone. I have a tendency of writing things and thoughts out too harsh sometimes. Everything is but the result of long evenings and nights of thinking. It's a lot of loose thoughts and stuff. See this as parts of monologues I have a lot with myself. I don't expect answers. I prefer to see questions actually.

I am born male, but I remember when I was young (6-8 years old?) I dressed up in a skirt already. In the teenage years, I guess it just moved to the background, but in my late 10s / early 20s, it came back again. I continuously have an urge to wear 'female' clothes. Am I a crossdresser?

Besides the clothes, I also like to wear make-up, make fake breasts, pretend I am a female. It's so double. I like to see myself as a female, and at times I urge to be female, and have the freedom to wear the clothes and make-up all the time and in public, not just in secrecy. Am I MTF?

Then again, I absolutely despise the binairy gender system. Now. Being 'male'. I hate to be seen as a gay when I wear a tight shirt with netfish shirt over it, a skirt and nailpolish. This is, by the way, not that strange in the subculture I am part of. But I enjoy pushing and breaking the boundaries of man and woman. I dislike it because it labels me as 'male loving male', while I'm more a 'pansexual loving individual', so to say. Am I intergender?

I personally dislike the term 'crossdressing', as it confirms the binairy gender system I oppose. I have even once made a statement to a friend of mine that "everything is unisex". But even if we forget that, I see a difference between 'crossdressing' and 'crossbeing', so to say. The difference is quite obvious; not trying to pass as the other gender, vs trying to pass (and, hopefully for them, succeeding).

A friend once asked: 'if you could go back in time, and be born as female, would you?' I answered full on 'Yes'. I definitely would. But I am unsure whether I would want to go through surgery and a lot of stress and stuff with my family. Am I but a coward who is going the easy road, because it's what I'm used to?

I really don't know what I am, I only know what I am not. I fear getting bald. I don't want to get a typical male tummy. I hate facial hair, and shaving it. I dislike my face structure, my arms, my adams apple, bodyhair everywhere. Everyday I look around, and envy women. Everyday I look around, and the men fill me with disgust and fear of becoming alike. The penis itself however, while being an ugly weeny, is not something that annoys me that much. It's easily hidden.

Most of my pants are apparently 'girly pants'. The penis and scrotum stick out, unless tucked away (which I actually do every day). I just prefer such pants, because they fit better (tighter) around my derrierre.

I am part of the 'dark alternative scene' (gothic, industrial, neofolk, darkwave, etc), which means for me that I'm a weird mixture of gothic, folk and hippie. My hair is long, my trousers are tight on the top and wide on the feet. When I go out, I mostly wear a long black skirt (either mine, or one of my friend) or a kilt in the summer. Transgender and related issues are, in my opinion, more accepted within the gothic underground. Within cybergothic, there's even a tendency where androgyny is the highest form of beauty.

If you're still riding this rollercoaster, and have not yet lost your mind.. congratulations. It's but the top of the metaphorical iceberg