Is It Worth The Costs?

[Guest daphene]

Today I woke up feeling very down about me and my transgender feelings. I reallywonder sometimes if acting upon my feelings is really worth all of the costs and sacrifice involved. I feel like I will never get to be what I desire to be and other times I feel like nothing can stop me. Today I feel like maybe all of this may be just a fantasy that has too much cost involved. Tomorrow I may feel like I am ready to shift into high gear. All of these mixed emotions are very confusing to me. I do not know if I am making a mistake of if it is normal to doubt your resolve to be who you think you are. If I go further with this, it most likely will cost me my marriage, family and all that I have known. On the other hand, the thought of living as a beautiful woman and starting over excites me. As you can see by reading this post, I am a very confused person. I get this way every couple of weeks and it makes me doubt my objective. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Is this normal? Or am I maybe not really transgender? I don't know what to do anymore. I am at a crossroad in my marriage where I must proceed and pay the cost or turn around and live as I have for 40 years or maybe just be a normal male. who knows? Any advice or your own experience with these type feelings would be appreciated.

Hugs,

Daphene?

[Guest Donna Jean]

Daphene...

Tough one, Sweetheart.....

I'm sure that many of us have had second thoughts about it all and wondered if we could just go on cruise control as a male from this point and skip all of the headaches....

Naw...

I had a few fleeting thoughts at first, but they never took root...There is no way that I'd be able to not finish with as much of this as I can...

Have you a therapist?

These are things that one needs to take up with them...doubts are common, but if they're too strong, maybe this all isn't for you!

I knew that this was gonna be hard and I realized all that I stood to lose when I signed up for this...I guess that I'll take what ever it brings me...

I'm commited...I JUST HAVE to do it!

There is no backing out for me...

Maybe you need to look a little deeper before you jump, Honey....There are many different stages of dysphoria...

You may be comfortable at a lesser point.

Good luck and Huggs....

Donna Jean

[Guest rachael1]

Maybe you should slow everything down a little bit and not make any life changing decisions too rashly.

There are many spots on the Gender spectrum and you just need to find yours. If you are like me you will fluctuatte for a while until you find your niche.

Rachael

[Guest]

Hello Daphene,

You're definitely not alone. There are days in my life where I question myself and feel quite foolish trying to be a girl. There are other days where I am a girl and I feel perfectly feminine. I'm trying to be patient with myself and hoping that I'll figure out which direction to take. It's relatively easy for me since my wife is supportive, and I can at least crossdress daily.

I'd be very scared if it meant losing family and job. It's no wonder you're having a hard time deciding. I supressed my feelings for alot of years because of that same fear. Last year I couldn't keep the lid on the box any more, and Kathleen burst out.

You can keep Daphene in the closet and try to find moments when she can come out - if this is satisfactory then there's no need to throw everything away for transition. You might make a long-term goal to improve your situation - so that someday you can be Daphene all the time.

Try being patient with yourself, and don't make decisions without giving them plenty of time.

I hope this is some help - in the end, you'll have to decide. You know we'll be here for support in any case.

Love, Kat

[Guest daphene]

Thank you ladies for your replies and good advice. I think I know what I want which is to be Daphene when I want to be and be David when I need to be which at work primarily. I just don't know how to do this without huge costs and sacrifice concerning my wife so I get depressed about it and wonder if I should not just forget it and be miserable. I think maybe sometimes I am too impatient so I will just slow down and enjoy the ride. My age makes me think I must hurry if I am going to be Daphene, but I guess I really need to go slower as long as I am steady. I just did not know if others had doubts because of the family costs one might pay.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Sally]

Daphene,

I just got here and I would like to tell you a little bit about life in general - there are no guarantees!

If you decide to halt transition in order to save your marriage there is no guarantee that she might not leave anyway - you know that your depression will increase daily and that is a huge strain on a marriage as well.

I am like Donna Jean in so many ways - I must continue, I really never had a choice - I have been trying for over 57 years to be who every one else thought I was and it just isn't working anymore - I have passed the transition or die point and that was the lowest point of my life.

My wife left long before I had made my final decision - that didn't really make it that much easier.

I am 58 years old, starting my 7th month on HRT, I have my surgery letter in hand and I am still moving slowly - money being a major factor - but if I can still be patient and move slowly with nothing but my job to lose then you can move along a little slower too.

Maybe she can adjust with you as you progress - maybe not but it is still a matter of can you survive if you do not transition - I couldn't.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Daphene, your feelings are perfectly natural. Confusion is part of the package for those of us in our

situation.

When I started therapy I wasn't even certain if I was a cross dresser or a transsexual. Once I had

obtained clarity, I still expressed mixed emotions and wondered why, especially given the certainty of

other transwomen here who seemed to know exactly what they wanted and how to get it.

My G.T. told me that my doubts and concerns were completely understandble, given that I had a family,

and all that I could lose if I went forward with transition. She told me that she would have been concerned

if I had NOT expressed those doubts. The fact that I was wrestling with them was, to her, reassuring that I

was giving this life changing decision all the time and effort it took to make the right choice.

So take all the time you need, hon. Be open and honest with your therapist. Dont't let anyone, least of all

us here in the forums, push you in one direction or another. I think there is a certain amount of cheerleading

that goes on with the TS folks, and while that's natural, it can lead someone to want to join in the "fun" without

thinking clearly of all the ramifications. Your situation is unique, and only you will know what the right answer

is.

We are here for you to help you. PM me if you would like to discuss it further. I wish you luck.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

In a word

Normal

We all do that.

Lizzy

WOW - never thought we transpeople would EVER have the word 'normal' associated with us! When we compare ourselves with others just like us we are really just 'people" HA!

[Guest daphene]

Thank you to all of you. This really is good support. I feel better after reading your posts. I am sure Daphene will be around for a long time. I am her. I guess I just needed to vent and have reassurance that confusion is ok. Thanks again, you all make me feel better about my life.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Penelope]

Hi Daphene,

May add my two pence worth? You don’t say how long you’ve had them but if you have had transgender feelings or cross dressing urges for much of your life; they are unlikely to change now.

If I am anything to go by, it can take a very long time to truly know yourself. I am nearly 57. After self denials and purges over the years I finally acknowledged that I was a cross dresser around eight months ago. I still don’t know whether that is all, or whether there is something deeper.

I feel it is wise to take plenty of time to discover how transgender you are and, importantly what you want, or possibly must, do about it.

You seem to value your marriage and, from some of your other posts, I see that your wife does not like your female presentation. You would of course have to include them in your internal calculus. I am trying to manage my activities around my SO, who is ambivalent about them at best.

Don’t rush things. This is too important. Wrestling with your doubts should aid you in making better decisions.

Hugs,

Penelope

[Guest daphene]

Thanks Penelope. My transgender feelings have been around for about 40 years. In the closet until October 2009 when I came out to my wife. Its been a struggle ever since. Since I have felt this way for so long, I know it is real and its not going away. Thanks again.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Daphene,

You are not alone in how you feel. Sweetie, I would try not to think of being transgendered as "all or nothing". You need to find peace, and where that is for you, you will find.

You do not necessarily have to make a choice between being who you are or keeping the life that you have now. You don't have to throw everything away to be yourself, and you don't have to deny who you are to keep what you have now.

Now you definitely don't want to do anything rash and declare yourself and abruptly leave your current life. That is not constructive. What you need to do is to carefully and slowly evolve. This may require working with a gender therapist. You need to take your time, and gently express yourself more and more.

You may end up divorced, or you may not. Having been through a divorce myself, I can tell you that although it is traumatic, it is not the end of the world and life does go on.

Don't consider that in order for you to be able to be yourself, you have to throw a big switch. Rather, consider your evolvement as a series of little switches that get switched on as you reach each new level of understanding.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Dana M]

That happened to me today. I felt hopeless and frustrated all day. Like my misery will never end. Then it kind of cleared up and now I'm confident about transitioning again. Who knows, maybe we're bipolar. Being in the wrong body is pretty traumatizing and is probably capable of causing all sorts of mental disorders.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Is it worth it?

NO!

YES!

SOMETIMES!

NEVER!

Oh my... but do we have a choice??? NOPE

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

That's the all consuming question.......

I'm finding that a lot of the early warning cliche's are begining to affect me and I thought that I could crusise right past them...

Will it stop me?

No....

I must do what I'm commited to now....I heve no recourse....

I could NEVER go back.....

Worth it? Yeah....

Find your spot and dig your heels in....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest ricka]

Just adding my support here for what you are going through right now. I find for myself is that the more I can just accept the fluidity of my emotions the less problematic it is to handle them. Emotions/feelings are not ruled by logic and can be contradictory by nature. It was also very helpful for me to come to an acceptance that I am a woman and I like myself as a woman whether I feel (or appear) like a woman 100% of the time or not.

hugs, Ricka

[Guest Deena]

Dear, you must PM me. Our situations are nearly identical. Please do so. I think we can use the mutual support. I could for sure.

Deena

[Guest phyliscd]

dear daphne on this matter i have through that many times and i have also purged many lovely things and then just came back and started all over again,i realized that finally that i was a crossdresser for life and then told my wife and i havent looked back since and i am happier now that i did.love phylisanne

[gennee]

Daphene, it's normal to feel the way you do. It was over a year before I felt

comfortable in my new identity. My spouse knows about it and so do a few other

people. I have opened up to my classmates and professor.

Things seem like a blur. It's good to step and access where you are and where you want to go.

Gennee

[Drea]

In my view it is a very individual question. This is a great subject for therapy. It all comes down to your individual needs verses, wants, desires and obligations.

One thing you should keep in mind when you pose your question here is that the responses will be tend to be skewed. After all, those people who do go into transiiton and find it is not worth it will not be found in a site like this. So you really will tend to only see answers that suggest one thing.

I have known people who have gone through all the difficult transitional stages, told everyone, found full time employment as their new new gender role, then decided it wasn't worth it and went back to living in their birth gender role. Those I know didn't decide this till they been completely full time for a few years. Till then they had had either been certain or expressed the typical amount of questions and concerns.

On the other hand, the thought of living as a beautiful woman and starting over excites me.

Keep in mind that beauty is relitive. While some trans women do achieve what most consider true beauty, like women, most will tend to be among the average. And regardless, the past will always be your past so "starting over" can only apply externally. You can move, nobody may know, but you will always know.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Where I work, there is the most intelligent and wonderful woman you could ever want to meet. I know that she is a transwoman because I have been told this by the people who knew her "before". She transitioned at work and she is now completely accepted as a woman. When I first met her, I never would have guessed that she is trans. She is graceful, thoughtful, kind, and makes you feel very comfortable around her She exudes peace and happiness.

She is living proof that one can successfully transition and continue to be happy, and be accepted on both a personal and professional level No doubt, she has had her moments, but she loves sailing, has a boyfriend, and has the respect and love from all who work with her.

You see, dear, it is possible My co-worker is an example of what is really possible!!

I also want you to know a promise from me... I will never leave Laura's

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest paddy]

Daphene, I am a very recent arrival to this site, and yes I can relate with your comments.

Wanting to live as a woman has cost me 1 marriage and I originally wanted to continue down the track to having a penecetomy and orchiedectomy and its was going to be VERY VERY expensive not in a finance sense but in a family relations - They all said if I head that way they will not want to know me, so the cost was far too high.

So these days I live as a non-op person and dressing mainly in a transgender way, - bras, panties fem. jeans,polo tops

knee high stocks, earrings, lipstick, sometimes nail polish (Usually clear or pale pink),sleepwear is nighties, a and it all works without ruffling too many feathers.

So that is the I am living these days, not perfect but a reasonable compromise.

Patricia ^_^