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Made Of Glass...


Guest ~Dee~

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Guest Alexis_Kitty

Am I Made of Glass?....

It's been awhile, and I don't come around much anymore.

I didn't want to say why, and I've been hiding it for awhile now. This however is getting me nowhere. I've never been in complete denial of it. I just didn't think it had a very big impact on my life....

Until...

Well until today when I responded to Kelly's post. I took a step back, and I've finally realized where I am at.

So I've decided to share my story with you guys thus far. :

Young Childhood:

My parents divorced when I was young 6-7?... I had to go back and forth... Two weeks with Mom, and two weeks with dad. I had always loved being at my Moms house because my Aunt had a White Dog... I know it was a lab of some kind, and he was BIG. He was like my own Cliford. His name was Alex, but I called him Alli ba ba Head. He was so close to me. I loved him so much... He was the closest friend I had.

Middle School:

Middle School. It all changed... Alex had a problem with his hips, and was constantly sick... I remember my aunt giving him medicine. He was much calmer, and stop jumping on people... He ended up getting hip surgery, but it didn't go to well. I remember our last day he wasn't even on the leash he was normally on because he barely walked around anymore. I was laying in the grass with my arm on him... He kept getting up and trying to move away from me. He eventually went into the field behind my grandparents house. I followed him there. He laid down, and I put his head in my lap... He stopped breathing... No more Alex. Although most people do recover from losing a pet... I'm pretty sure a piece of my life died that day.(These memories are painful... Especially since I tried so long to forget them, and block them out). Rest in peace Alli ba ba...

Then my Dad married a woman, and her sons came into my life. Coming home was something I ended up fearing. Between my father yelling at me, and my step brothers beating the living crap out of me. I was terrified. It wasn't until one managed to bust my lip open, and break my nose. After that it was clear sailing to stay with just my Mom...

But she married a man... Who was not supportive of anything, and basically made my sister, and I do everything. He's never had a job since he's lived with us, and rarely does things around the house...

Then came High School....

High School:

Palisade High school. In Palisade Colorado.

If you weren't in a "group" or "clique" you stood no chance...

As a freshman and all the way through High School I was depressed, and angry.

I acted very fem when I was a freshman, and I didn't know why... Well the wrestlers and football players thought it would be awesome to pick on, bully, and beat up someone who they thought was gay.

I tried hanging out with some people I knew in Middle School. I figured they would back me up or save me. Instead they just made me get them things, do things to get me into trouble, and blame everything on me when the time came for someone to get punishment.

Oddly enough I was able to keep my A, B average and stay on the honor roll. Despite getting into trouble, and having a difficult time learning things. I stayed after school for about an hour to two hours everyday. I would come home, and I would do my chores, and whatever work my step-dad had planned for me. During the summer I'd work 8-9 Hour days outside for him. Sometimes with my only friend... My friend Stefan...

Stefan I knew him since I was 5 years old. He's still my friend today, but he had different times then me in High School. So he could never save me...

The bullying and beatings continued into my Sophomore year. At which point a "friend" at the time or so I thought. Adam... Said... You have to fight back... You can't be such a girl... You have to grow some Fing testicles, and man up. Or you will NOT make it out alive.

So I did just that... I started taking Boxing, Kickboxing, Jiu-jistu, and even some Muay Thai.

Yet the feeling that something was wrong was still there...

My Junior year it came around, and it slapped me with such ferocity that I had not seen, and it almost killed me.

It was when I got my first Girlfriend... We didn't stay together, but maybe 2-3 weeks.

I envied her in every way... I hated her because of it, and just stopped talking to her. It caused us to split.

I was kind of ashamed, and freaked out... Growing up where I did... It was a BIG nono to be any part of the LGBTQ.

Then the depression started sinking in...

I tried acting like what I always meant to be in my room alone... Online in games, but to no avail...

...

Senior year rolled around. I had actually made 2 good friends. Josh, and Kenneth. I was still depressed about being Gender Confused. I kept it hidden, and my Senior year was going pretty well. I actually even attempted to go to Homecoming...

I had been in a few fights. People started to leave me alone.

Everything was kind of looking up. Even though I had the GID in the back of my head gnawing, and scratching. I'd just try and shut it out more.

Graduation day came around. Stefan was going off to college. Josh was moving to a place a little more open minded. It was just Kenneth, and I. We had survived...

Life was just beginning! Or.. So I had thought.

Post Graduation:

I had been working retail, and was training boxing, kickboxing, and jiu-jitsu... I gave up Muay Thai. I was so caught up in my own life that I had not seen anything happen around me.

It all happened so fast. Josh was in town, and I saw him. Asked what he was doing in town. He was there for Kenny's funeral. I was shocked, and angry. Kenneth had always worn a hoodie or a beanie cap. I figured since he wasn't like everyone else there. That his dad shaved his head and was going to have him join the Marines. I didn't even realize that he was getting Chemotherapy. Josh told me that he refused to do it anymore after Graduation.

I felt so angry and so betrayed that he never told me. I ended up not going to his funeral. Even now it makes me feel like crap that I didn't go. RIP Kenneth V*********...

After that I never saw or heard from Josh again...

Then came adult life...

Adult Life:

I started to become angry, depressed, stressed... The gender issues flared even greater now. So I started researching it a bit...

After being depressed for days and days... An almost impending doom sort of feel. Something happened. I still am not sure what exactly it was, but I never want to be like that again.

I had become emotionally numb, and this lead to being physically numb. I always thought people didn't cut themselves to feel as if they are in control, but to see if they could still feel pain.

This worked as a double edged sword. It made me great at fighting. I got my face pulverized, and nose broken, and I didn't feel a dang thing. The bad side was... I had almost lost my mind.

I started doing MMA bouts, and decided to work Dirt Work Construction for B***** B******* General Contracting Inc. ... The problem was... I wanted to do MMA to hurt someone, and Construction was because it was dangerous. They also pay a lot of money to your family if something happens on the job. I didn't want to be around for much longer... At the same time I didn't want my Mom to know... I also wanted to take a piece of someones life. So they could see how it feels. So I would know that I wasn't alone...

A year and a half down the road... I had a lot of money saved up. No accidents, and I had stopped fighting. I was almost just an empty shell.

One night I passed out with my T.V. still left on. I woke up in the middle of the night, and started watching, well I dunno if it was a Trans marathon thing or what? I watched Taboo or something about Transgenders, and a movie I think called Red without Blue? Came on after.

I then realized I had to do something... Or I would die.

So I decided to tell my Mom. She... took it okay I guess?

Transition: (over 2 years)

Joined Laura's Playground...

I started seeing a gender therapist... I took the tests, and passed.

Got Braces...

Started Laser Hair Removal...

I started hormones which was pretty crazy. When I had all my tests. Fluids. Blood drawn etc done... My physician (Dr. Anna W********) asked if I knew that I had PID. (Primary immunodeficiency)... I was shocked... I decided it was best not to tell my Mom.

I started working on losing all my muscle (I weighed about 175-180)...

Got my voice...

I got my trachea shave, but it didn't turn out well... Still have an adams apple, and a big scar on my neck.

Got laid off from my job...

Then I got my face reconstructed... Nose, chin, jaw, cheeks, brow line, hairline...

For my look, and being able to pass I owe everything to Dr. Douglas O*********...

Name changed / Drivers I.D. ...

SS changed...

CURRENT:

The post is called Made of Glass? Because...

I've been through a little bit. I've taken a fair share of hits (literally and emotionally). I've been depressed...

However, nothing... I mean NOTHING comes close to the pain I feel daily now...

Sometimes it's not too bad, and others it's unbearable...

It's so hard... Being ... Dare I mutter the word? ... incomplete

I'm stuck in limbo. I'm in pain all the time it seems... I've become addicted to sleep. Because in sleep there is no pain.

I play video games in my spare time to try and escape this horror called "Reality".

I try to shut it out, but every time the words repeat over, and over:

I can't be myself. I can't be myself, and I don't wanna talk.

I never go out (not that I have the money to anyway).

I'm almost semi agoraphobic now.

I'm out here... By myself. No family. No friends. No love interest.

I'm completely, totally, and utterly alone...

Now the question is... Some TG's deal with this... Some blow past it. So I guess what I am asking is...

Am I made of glass?

I mean I worked a job I hated... For so many years, and got so far... Only to fall short...

Only to be incomplete...

Only to be in pain... Again.

This pain. Is something I can't even describe. I mean I feel so weak and vulnerable.

This pain from being incomplete is so much different from before. The only way I can describe it is.

It's like an empty spot. A void... Something devouring my soul slowly. It shakes me to the very core. Yet I know the only "cure" or only way to fix it. Is to be whole. To get that final surgery. Take that final step, but...

I know my Mom can't help me. Even if she could she might not. I have no one to turn to.

This has caused pain, stress, and depression. So much in fact that I am sick ALL the time.

I'm too scared to tell her this though. Because she will freak out. I mean the fact that I might not be around for too long would tear her apart. It would any parent. No parent should ever have to bury their own child...

So... I'm lost, and I don't know where to go from here...

I feel as if I am made of glass...

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Guest ~Brenda~

Lexi Dearheart :)

I want to answer your post more in depth. I am presently at work, so I do not have the time right now to carefully read your post and to answer thoughtfully.

I will say this to you for now... you have accomplished so much hon. As Lizzy said some time ago..."You are one of our success stories :) ".

You have come a very long way in two years. You should be proud of what you have achieved.

When I get home from work, I'll post more to you :)

Love

Brenda

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Guest ~Brenda~

Dearest Lexi,

I know that this is the first time of you being on your own. I have seen you logged on many a night here at Laura's wishing you would post something to let me know what you were thinking about. I did not PM you because I did not want to pester you, and just let you be. I figured that you would post somedat when you felt ready.

Much has changed in your life over the last couple of years. From where I stand, you pass very beautifully. You may see flaws in yourself (don't we all), but hon, you are beautiful.

We need to address why you feel incomplete. It is one thing to feel that you have goals still to reach. It is quite another to feel that you have no goals, but still feel incomplete. The drive, the awareness that has got you here at this point of your life still remains in you. Whatever sense of incompleteness you have about yourself will be closed, because that is who you are.

Think about it, against all odds, you have undergone surgeries and have come out wonderfully, I am not sure if you have undergone HRT or not, but it does not matter, because you naturally shine female :)

I don't want you to feel that you are alone and that you have nothing to say here at Laura's. You have very much to say, and I would love to hear you speak.

Something that I stress so much to young people here... The Life that you see right now is NOT the life that you will always see.

I myself, have come from places that I thought were inescapable. I have looked down that vast crevass of darkness thinking that there was no way but down.

All I can say is that if you keep on keeping on, you are suddenly, one day, on the other side of that crevass walking on to a new day and new life.

All my love

Brenda

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  • Admin

Thank you for posting this, Alexis. I hadn't known much about you until now, and it helps a lot to understand you better.

You have been through a lot, Alexis. But you have survived the worst of it. The best lies ahead of you now. Your whole life lies ahead of you.

I know that you feel you are in between worlds, hon. But your identity, the things that make you Alexis, a beautiful woman, are not what is or isn't

between your legs. They are what is in your mind and your heart and your soul.

When you realize and understand that truth, you will find peace, and begin to heal. I know you will survive, and thrive, and live a long life as the woman

you are, and were always meant to be.

I've seen your videos, and you are beautiful. You have a lot going for you. I hope you realize soon just how much.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest Elizabeth K

Kitty - please tell us how you are doing now? This post was last week.

Worried

You are one of our best success stories!

Love you

Lizzy

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