What Am I Supposed To Do Now?

[Guest Phoebe]

Good evening, ladies (and gentlemen, too) ...

I'm very new to the community, and have only admitted to my loved ones very recently about my transgender feelings. I have begun consulting a GT, and I spend a lot of time trolling the web looking for information.

In "real life" I'm pretty isolated. I live in a not-so-metropolitan part of Japan. It can be days between conversations in my native English, and absolutely no one I would generally confide in, so the Interwebs really is my connection to people. I hope that will change later in this year, as I'm planning to move back to the U.S., but that seems really far away right now.

But, I'm wondering what can I do for myself now? I think on this all the time, and not really getting the direction I think I need for the moment. I read these forums a lot, and so many of the ladies here make it sound like "being true to yourself" is the easiest thing in the world, but I feel like identity is dropping away and I haven't discovered much of anything to take its place.

i know that it can't be that "easy" though. But, I just wonder, sort of on a day to day basis, what have others done between the time that they accepted the soul inside our bodies, and when they could really >do something about it.< How often have you had doubts? How often do you worry that you are cracked for feeling this way? How much did you worry about not being able to really transition into the person you really were meant to be?

Heh, what did you guys do to assert yourselves when your bodies were not ready to go? How long was it before you made a change to actually living as the opposite gender, even in private? What are the experiments I could be trying that would help me to better understand myself?

I worry that these are sort of the wrong questions, somehow. But, I'm in a place where I'm beholden to nobody as far as who I have to please, just myself. But, haha, pleasing myself is not something I feel I have much experience with.

Anyway. I would love to hear any stories or suggestions that anyone may have. I hope that asking for them is alright.

Phoebe

[Guest Donna Jean]

All of the above, Sweetheart!

We, as a group, are not short on fear, confusion, hopelesness, doubt, turmoil and tears....

Honey, you don't really sound so different from everyone else...even though many here seem to radiate confidence, we all are terrified of the things that we feel and the things that are hppening to us...

And, most of us worry that we won't be able to transition for one reason or another, won't be accepted by others, maybe not even be accepted by ourselves...

I'l not sugar coat it...This is a tough life, being Trans.

I worry that these are sort of the wrong questions, somehow. But, I'm in a place where I'm beholden to nobody as far as who I have to please, just myself. But, haha, pleasing myself is not something I feel I have much experience with.

No, Hon...every one is a perfectly valid question!

But, in all of this "Pleasing yourself" is paramount....we really don't have to please anyone else...

This condition happened to us and we're the ones that have to live with it.

When are you coming back to the states, Hon?

Stay on here at Laura's and you'll better be able to sort a lot of this out.....OK?

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Dear Phoebe,

I wanted to tell you some things that you can do subtly to get in touch with that feminine side.

Over a year ago I was much like you afraid to dress even at home and that after my wife had left a very dear friend suggested - almost insisted that I get an ankle bracelet that I could wear all of the time - another sweet lady and very dear friend sent me a charm for it - I only take it off to shower and then it is right back on - a reminder of femininity and friendship.

I also wear a necklace under my shirts with a small charm that the same lady who told me about ankle bracelets gave me for Christmas - I do take it off to sleep.

Panties can be hidden under your clothes and some of the girls wear women's jeans even in male mode - you will be amazed at what people will not notice - I am into 8 months of HRT - results are pretty good so far and yet even in the knit shirts that I wear to work no one has said anything.

I hope some of that helps.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Phoebe]

Hi Sally and Donna Jean,

I have been wanting to say thank you for your replies for a few days but I've been just sort of struggling with my thoughts a lot recently.

Donna Jean, I think you really nailed it, that so many of the ladies here seem to "radiate confidence" but I'm betting that is hard won confidence. It seems like so much of what I read on the net is a celebration of changing, and bright futures and... I think it's important to put our best attitudes into this. But I still feel so confused and twisted up that it makes me worry that I don't belong among this group of strong individuals. Heh, I'm so used to feeling like an outsider it's hard to find a seat inside, sometimes even when everybody is trying awfully hard to make room for me .

Yee, Japan. I have sort of set a goal for myself to be gone by the end of the year. The rubs: wishing I had more money to take back with me (there would never be enough) and I'm not entirely sure what I have to do with my employment contract. Of course, there is nothing stopping me from packing a few things and buying a plane ticket tomorrow. But, at the same time, I'd rather not burn any more bridges than I have to. So, I try to be patient.

I used to dress (badly) before I came to Japan, but it was very haphazzard and not well planned and I don't have many of those things left. But it feels nice to start getting rid of body hair again and to think about my body as a canvas that can be changed over. I really liked Sally's suggestion about finding some jewelry I can wear discreetly about. I have ordered a few things, but I swear the overseas shipping rates are going to kill me. I ordered my first pair of breastforms last week, but when they arrived, the delivery guy wouldn't give them to me until I paid about $70 in import duties that came on an item like that. (I mean... who knew that import fees on prosthetics were like that?)

Haha. Writing about all these difficulties in shopping makes me want to go get that airplane ticket tomorrow. I must resist!

Thanks again for your suggestions and replies. I'm still feeling pretty shy about what to write hereand I dunno how much it showed, but my original message in this thread was me at 3 a.m. worrying so hard that I couldn't sleep.

Phoebe

[Guest Girl Emily]

Phoebe,

I am one of those ladies Sally mentioned that wear girls jeans and I usually wear a necklace with a pink butterfly on it. Both of them help keep me in touch with myself no matter what is happening around me.

The first thing I noticed about your posts was the clarity of the writing and the insight you have about yourself. It is precisely your twisted confusion that gives you a place here. It seems like every day I feel differently about everything gender related. But, I spent so many years not feeling any emotions that feeling is kind of new. What I know never changes and that is I am a woman inside.

Huggs,

[Guest JustShelly]

I and others I assume ,have or had those same feelings. I have done some minor things to let that side out a little. When I think about it though they aren't little. I Imagine doing some of these things years ago and I think WOW! theres no way I could of done that a year or 2 ago.

Somethings I do or have done.

I always wear girls undies, bikinis and they actually are girls not womens so much easier and cheaper to buy.

I have my ears pierced. (4 yrs) I wear earrings sparingly, so they don't close, never in guy mode. I am sure though "no, I know" people have noticed.

I wear girls jeans alot, I am constantly looking for styles that are androgynous so they're not as noticeable. They are tighter though so I'm sure people do notice.

I am telling you these things, because as early as 1 year ago I would of never done these things, now I have just got the attitude of "oh well,who cares if anyone notices"

Sooner or later I will go full time, I better feel comfortable doing femme things otherwise I won't stand a chance.

Best Wishes Shelly

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh my

This Topic of yours is hard to address because it hits on so many things that worry me too! You actually had two very good posts that sort of showed how you feel - so combining that with the replies, all I can do it hit on one main point, as you will see. The day to day question? Already answered by others!

Let me set the stage here - I am older, four years older than Sally, and I was diagnosed transsexual in December 2008 - a late comer, really - MTF - and I am married. I also am transitioning. I am a moderator and work VERY HARD trying to show others, specially the older people, transitioning is real, and possible, and most of all, doable. You may want to look at my profile. I am also in Facebook - but you will have to PM me privately for that information.

SO - it might be me as one of those you see on Laura's - a MTF - showing the world how it can be done! I try to avoid saying it's easy because really? It is HORRIBLY difficult! So know you must be so sure of yourself, that you understand...

you cannot, NOT transition.

So that is my point.

And I back it up - saying what you interpret as 'be true to yourself." I agree, being true to yourself is essential..

BUT

I really don't say that! Not exactly. What I say is "listen to your heart." You can have all the intellectual parts worked out. You can even have worked out that very difficult emotional justification of what you 'think' you are. BUT only your heart knows. It's like diving into deep deep deep water. You're at the level of your very being when you get there. You soul is bared...

What does your heart say?

Nothing else matters. You from then on 'must be true to yourself' and 'accept yourself as you are' and 'know what you are is perfectly okay." All that. But only when you look into your heart does everthing else follow.

Pheobe? You won't necessarily find what you expect, there in your heart? You may find much more - or less, maybe just one shining truth. All else falls away. Easy or hard - terrifying or exciting - doable or seemingly impossible. All that other stuff does not matter.

You will follow your heart - you won't be able to do anything else once you have learned what your heart says... you are blessed, doomed, cursed, favored, whatever - from that day forward. Usually all of that!'

And Pheopbe, the best part?

No doubts!

Hope this helps

Lizzy

[Guest ricka]

Hello Phoebe, and the warmest welcome to Laura's. You _are_ loved and accepted here and we became your family when you registered. You are no longer an outsider.

Transitioning and feeling and expressing our womanhood is about a myriad of little things----a flower in a vase on the table, feeling the natural female sensuality of our bodies when we bathe, putting on a piece of jewelry, shaving our legs and feeling their silky, smoothness.... I love your metaphor that your body is a canvas. Try this: purchase a brownish shade of lipstick and paint on large areolas around your nipples and look at them in the mirror. I have a little something that I purchased on Ebay that is a constant reminder of my womanhood: a beautifully cut blue topaz stone, mined in Brazil and cut in Thailand unset, radiant in the light and a reflection of who I am as a woman. It sits on the window sill in my kitchen as a reminder that I am a woman.

How lucky that you have had the experience of living in Japan and being isolated. There is a Zen-like peace being a woman----content and contained, self accepting, self- assured of my being as a woman.

hugs, Ricka

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

Dear Phoebe,

I wanted to tell you some things that you can do subtly to get in touch with that feminine side.

Over a year ago I was much like you afraid to dress even at home and that after my wife had left a very dear friend suggested - almost insisted that I get an ankle bracelet that I could wear all of the time - another sweet lady and very dear friend sent me a charm for it - I only take it off to shower and then it is right back on - a reminder of femininity and friendship.

I also wear a necklace under my shirts with a small charm that the same lady who told me about ankle bracelets gave me for Christmas - I do take it off to sleep.

Panties can be hidden under your clothes and some of the girls wear women's jeans even in male mode - you will be amazed at what people will not notice - I am into 8 months of HRT - results are pretty good so far and yet even in the knit shirts that I wear to work no one has said anything.

I hope some of that helps.

Love ya,

Sally

I have been trying to do some subtle things but I have to put a lot of thought into what I can and can't get away with. I know I can get away with shaving my legs and arms because I can just wear long pants and long sleeve shirts so that nobody sees my skin. I know that panties can be hidden under my clothing so I snuck a pair into my room and hid them in a picture frame in between the photo and the back cover. The frame bulged just a bit but it wasn't noticable. I like the idea of wearing an anklet but I will have to get an excuse to go shopping and buy one. Maybe if I still have some money left over when christmas shopping for my family I could try to find a cheap accessory. I don't want to put myself first because it just feels selfish but if I can pay for others and myself than it would okay.

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

I and others I assume ,have or had those same feelings. I have done some minor things to let that side out a little. When I think about it though they aren't little. I Imagine doing some of these things years ago and I think WOW! theres no way I could of done that a year or 2 ago.

Somethings I do or have done.

I always wear girls undies, bikinis and they actually are girls not womens so much easier and cheaper to buy.

I have my ears pierced. (4 yrs) I wear earrings sparingly, so they don't close, never in guy mode. I am sure though "no, I know" people have noticed.

I wear girls jeans alot, I am constantly looking for styles that are androgynous so they're not as noticeable. They are tighter though so I'm sure people do notice.

I am telling you these things, because as early as 1 year ago I would of never done these things, now I have just got the attitude of "oh well,who cares if anyone notices"

Sooner or later I will go full time, I better feel comfortable doing femme things otherwise I won't stand a chance.

Best Wishes Shelly

I have thought about getting my ears pierced but I tend to think about things quite a bit before I do them. I was never one to rush into anything and I am usually careful. What I worry about is how I can do it myself, where I can find out how and how I can do it without my parents noticing. I expect I will bleed and I need to know how long it will be before it stops and I can show myself in public again. As for Jeans, I think it would be a good idea but I don't have much money which makes it nearly impossible for me to obtain them. Every penny I earn goes straight to my bank account and I am not allowed to access it until university because it is supposed to help cover the costs. It seems overprotective to prevent me from accessing my own bank account but it is just the way it is and the only money I can access is the money given to me on special occasions. I usually save most of it so I can shop for others at Christmas time and I rarely have much for myself. Aside from my own personal restrictions, I like your ideas and I think your advice is valuable.

[Guest Orva26]

Phoebe,

Hi, I think if the majority of us weren't confused, uncertain, and at times downright terrified than none of us would be on here.

I'm all of the above!

My big problem is the fear that I might be considering things like transitioning for the 'wrong' reasons (an obsession, overplayed autogynophilia, etc.), or that I might be over-rationalizing to make it appealing. YAY SELF DOUBT!

Anyway, covert things to express femininity...

My super big number one choice is toenail painting! Unless you are in tons of situations where you are forced to go barefoot who is really going to notice? Plus its a pretty relaxing action by itself.

Wearing panties is another thing that could be done. I haven't had much luck with it personally but that has more to do with my choice in panties.

And jewelry that is something that I have been doing even when I was in super-guy mode. Then it was just a ring and a bracelet and now it is just a ring, two bracelets, and a silver chain necklace with a charm on it. Jewelry is relatively good and safe too since some of it can be kind of androgynous.

Luck and success,

-Orva

[Guest Tiaria]

(...)

My big problem is the fear that I might be considering things like transitioning for the 'wrong' reasons (an obsession, overplayed autogynophilia, etc.), or that I might be over-rationalizing to make it appealing. YAY SELF DOUBT!

(...)

-Orva

Count me in, too! (Which is exactly what I told the therapist, yesterday...)

[Guest Orva26]

Count me in, too! (Which is exactly what I told the therapist, yesterday...)

Oh, I don't know if this topic is the appropriate place but my curiosity is like a raging pitbull leased with a piece of dental floss. How did telling her go for you? How did she react? You don't need to share any of this if you don't want to and you could PM me if you don't want to put it up on the forum. Much like the dental floss would have no hope in restraining the dog I couldn't resist asking since I'm going to have to voice the same concern to a therapist eventually.

[Guest Tiaria]

Oh, I don't know if this topic is the appropriate place but my curiosity is like a raging pitbull leased with a piece of dental floss. How did telling her go for you? How did she react? You don't need to share any of this if you don't want to and you could PM me if you don't want to put it up on the forum. Much like the dental floss would have no hope in restraining the dog I couldn't resist asking since I'm going to have to voice the same concern to a therapist eventually.

(Poor doggy... If that floss holds, that'll be some nasty cuts...)

Better safe than sorry, best you find a therapist, yourself, and soon.

Anyway, what happened two days ago was little more than a get-to-know-you session. The real work starts three weeks, from now...

(oh, how I can't wait!)

Hugs,

Tiaria

[Guest Orva26]

It's good you are taking steps and trying to find yourself. It's interesting that not being able to transition in the future is so depressing to you. That's probably a pretty big sign. On the other hand, it's difficult to picture yourself in the future at all. At least for me it is. I don't know if I feel the same way, I think my most depressing thoughts come from the fear of being alone. Also, the resentment of your male parts. Do you feel they get in the way? Or do you resent your sex drive? I'm beginning to slightly resent my sex drive as making it impossible for me to clear my head. But I don't really connect my male parts to my gender, I might even keep them if I transitioned. When are you going to get some clothes?! I think you would really enjoy it. It becomes more and more fulfilling for me every day. I see my progress from my first dressing pictures and it's staggering! Practice makes perfect and every girl likes to look good. Good luck, girlie!

(Poor doggy... If that floss holds, that'll be some nasty cuts...)

Better safe than sorry, best you find a therapist, yourself, and soon.

I meant chained, as in floss connecting the collar to a post/fence or whatever. What type of crazy would make a collar out of floss? Actually feel kind of bad using pitbulls as my metaphor, they get a bad reputation. All the ones I've meet have been sweethearts and lucky for me because one of them was being walked by a tiny woman, or rather the pitbull was walking the tiny woman... seriously that dog was going wherever it wanted to.

I already have found a therapist. Big thing keeping me from going right now is that the funds I'm living on are not all mine. I feel that I need to wait till I can deal with it financially by myself, or through insurance because I don't want anyone to be able to put me in shame. By next month I should be in the clear though.

Anyway, what happened two days ago was little more than a get-to-know-you session. The real work starts three weeks, from now...

(oh, how I can't wait!)

I hope it goes well for ya.

[Guest sienna]

Hi Phoebe,

As Ricka mentioned, I too love your metaphor that your body is a canvas. This is so true. My wife used to work with a woman who always dressed up -- makeup, jewelry -- nothing real casual. She told my wife once, You got to decorate what the good Lord gave you.

Phoebe,

Hi, I think if the majority of us weren't confused, uncertain, and at times downright terrified than none of us would be on here. ..........

-Orva

I don't think I've ever been not confused or certain about why I am like I am -- ever. I pray everyday of my life thinking about it. I've been wearing hose under-dressed for about 12 years. Several years ago I told my wife the full story. It did not go well. At that time it was extremely rough for many months and months. We were fortunate to make it through. Since that time my wife has gradually become accepting. Things I never imagined would be possible have happened. She has bought me an enormous amount of clothes and all kinds of things for me since that time. She let me start dressing in front of her when we work from home together about a month ago which is so incredible. Just the other night SHE suggested we have a pedicure night and she painted my toes red/green/red/green for Christmas. That was completely surreal as well.

So what I'm trying to say is I too see comments sometimes that sound like everything is great. I think sometimes stating the good is just a way of forgetting about the pain and looking for reassurance from those who understand. Some of my comments may sound like everything is perfect if they were heard individually. Sure there are some things now that I too would've never in a million years guessed would be possible. I've felt this way since I was at least 4 years old and all the years of suffering, worrying, wondering why, the internal mental torture, depression... I still have those things. However, I have reached a point of finding a few avenues to vent some of that in small doses. It's hard to live through it sometimes. Wearing hose, or panties, or jewelry, or painted toes, shaved body are all things to help connect. I have painted toes 99% of the time, wear hose or panties all the time under my clothes, shaved completely all the time, but no jewelry. I long for a day I could pierce my ears to be a little more feminine. I just haven't built up the confidence yet to deal with family and coworkers. Maybe one day. I keep praying that I can figure all of this out one day.

I hope this helps!

Sienna