I Don't Want...

[Guest SilverDragon]

I don't want my male body, but I don't want to transition.

I can't get hormones without seriously deceiving someone.

I am sure if I told my parents I was TS they would get me hormones.

But I don't want to transition or have SRS. I don't want to deceive them either.

I don't want this body. I don't want this life. I don't want big feet and muscles. I don't want broad shoulders.

Puberty is bringing in all these problems and the only solution that won't cause anyone harm is waiting until I am an adult to get hormones prescribed to me.

And, really not even that. The best plan is to wait until I'm out of college in my mid twenties.

At that time the changes are permanent!

I will have always big feet. Always broad shoulders. Always this Gosh darned body.

What am I? That I hate my body but not enough to do something about it. I am so weak.

What do I do?

The only plan that hurts no one in the end hurts ME!

The one that helps me the most decieves my most loved ones.

Why couldn't I just be transsexual? So I could remedy my body with confidence. Why couldn't I just be a satisfied crossdresser? Why couldn't I just have a good body for this? Why couldn't I just not be tg?

I want breasts, hips, a nice butt, a good body. I want to be able to be a woman. But not enough to only want to be a woman. Why can't I?

I love my transgendered nature, it is a part of myself. But I don't want.

I almost want to say that I can be just a guy. That I can just write this off as a stage. Part of me already has. I don't want that part of me.

Is it right? I don't know. Sometimes I feel the want to be a woman. So strong that I can't think about anything else. Sometimes I deny my nature.

Sometimes I curse myself for not wanting to transition.

I look at some of the people who don't. How good they look. I want to look that good.

I feel overcome with jealousy, and loathe myself for it.

Yet I can't act, because that Gosh darned part of me still denies it all. Maybe it's right.

I can't move myself emotionally in any direction about this without a push, and it's driving me mad.

I want this to be my life, so that I can get rid of this terrible part of myself that won't aknowledge me of being anything more than a male crossdresser.

I dress but I can't be. I want but I can't get. I think but I can't act.

Sometimes I ask, why me?

But I can't purge myself of this maleness, nor can I purge myself of this femaleness. Each side seems to want to destroy the other. Whose side am I on? The one that holds desire, or takes ground in reality? One has friends and family. The other, dreams and wishes. One real, one spiritual.

Which side is right?

I feel like yin and yang.

only yin is trying to kill yang, and yang wants to kill yin.

I am one of few, or many, whom has both. but I lack the peace between the two.

What is the peace? One part of me desires overwhelmingly a body befitting of a female, saving the genitals. The other wants to be male, and only crossdress on the side.

One side has a little of the other in it. A lot like yin and yang.

Yet my female side controls my desires, and my male side controls my actions. I want to act on my desires, but the only way is to wait until my male side has already won.

I search for peace, but cannot find it. What am I doing wrong?

I can't make myself understandable. Maybe only I can understand my own predicament? But I myself am lost within the labyrinth.

And I feel that I know not where it leads, only that there are multiple directions to go in. Left, all girl, right, all boy. Strait, dead end.

Dead end. Suicide? I don't want suicide. My male side is too strong, my female side too weak. But there is no strait. Perhaps a turn off on the way towards one? What if there isn't?

No, suicide is not the answer.

But there is a choice now. As I see it, I can choose to be all male up until 25, where all changes are basically permenant, or I can say I'm TS and be a girl forever. I want neither! Yet there is no choice?

What do I do? Two directions, both bad, no way back, no way foreward.

Either or. Do or die. Which Whey?

Perhaps I best identify with autogynephelia, but that won't help me when I'm 25 and all femenizing processes will be weakened at best.

Is it femenizing I want? As I speak i become more and more incoherent. When will I become a jumbling mess.

Not today, my male side is too cynical.

But is femenizing what I want? One half.

I would hate myself for considering illegal hormones and herbals, yet its what I almost feel I must do to be at balance.

If putting myself in danger is the only strait path to being balanced, why is it so crooked?

I wasn't as depressed as I am when I started writing. Perhaps I was so used to that facade of being fine. About "no trans-ness here, mom"

My mother. I doubt she would like my being trans. She would probably hate it. Maybe I would be suprised, but I don't want to risk my life as I know it like that.

Sometimes I wish I was 3 or 4 when I was saying this, so I could just insist I was a girl and let the fact that I was a child prevent them from thinking I was making it up.

Now if I said that, they would think I had a fetish. Maybe I do.

I never wanted to be a girl when I was little. Maybe I did.

My earliest memory is wearing a tutu. But I never did anything to show it. I knew it was bad. And by the time I finally realize it is fine, its too late for honesty, because coming out now means I've been lying for years.

Right is male, left is female, strait is crooked. honesty means lying.

I hate myself for this. All that action, even on this website, might of not been true. I used to think that I was only a crossdresser. Maybe I am. but I was certainly denying these thoughts.

Giving myself excuses for lying about the very thing that this site was all about. I feel like confessing.

Sorry I lied. Did I lie? Is it a lie if even I don't know? I may not even post this. These are things that I've never told anyone.

There are other things too. Logically, my female side says, I know I would be accepted, but my male side won't let go. Or is it my female side that won't let go and my male side being logical?

Maybe I wont talk about them.

I should sum up. This post is obscenely long as it is. I have work to do.

Maybe I truly should be TS. would that be a stretch? Maybe I should be just a male. But I can't expel that part of me that I can't function with or without.

It is a part of me. I can't deny it. But sometimes I pray to god, begging him to help me, to stop this masculinization process that lets my male side win.

I often feel he doesn't listen. But, I know I think he listens, because my male side wins, and it likes to win.

Maybe this is a secret battle.

Maybe this is just a temporary stage, a dramatic burst of angst that will go away tomorrow. I hate myself for being so liquid and inconsistent.

But its happened before. I've written similar posts, and never hit "Post New Topic", because I felt I was being wrong. Masculine side talking?

Maybe my female side doesn't even exist. And I'm denying myself, saying that I want something I don't. Do I?

I want it to exist. Don't I? Where do I fall in all of this. With my conscience battling itself, where is my thought process, standing back and thinking about what I want and don't want.

My mind is such a mess. I need something to hold on to, lest I get swept away by my battling conscience.

I ask not for a solution, but something to hold on to. For I know there is no solution.

Something to help me not hate myself inside for not being who I want to be.

I've decided, I'm going to press that button before I lose my resolve. Here it goes.

[Guest Jean Davis]

Awww Honey

I know just how you are feeling, and that is just what is bothering you. A feeling, an emotion and you can not lie about nor hide from an emotion. So please don't beat yourself up about feeling this way, just because you are fighting your emotions and not telling anyone about them now doesn't mean that you are or ever have lied to anyone.

Also as far as you waiting until you are older to resolve these emotions hoping for a better outcome or not to hurt anyone, I'm here to tell you that for most cases it just doesn't work. For the longer you wait the more the emotions build and you find yourself releasing your fustrations in different ways that can and more offten than not be just as hurtful to others. There is actually no good time to confront loved ones about the way you feel.

So if I had to do my life over I would have done things different and came out to the people I cared for as soon as I could have or at least seen a therapist so I could have discussed my feelings with him/her. To tell you the truth that is what I would suggest for you to at least start seeing a gender therapist, cause I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier if you wait.

LUV

Jean

[Guest JustShelly]

ONE WORD

THERAPIST

Don't just go with the first one you find unless he or she is a good fit.

I and so many others on here have and still have many of those same thoughts and feelings, believe or not YOU ARE NORMAL

Although thats not how you feel right now.

No one can change who they are, they can only accept and improve who they are.

Just remember there are many here to help you.

[Guest Esperanza Xochitl]

What ever you feel is right for you is right for you should always be your ultimate guide. Now as an artist, I would go with the side of feelings, emotions and desire. But you should really do what is best for you. I personally agree with the other two responses (Wow! Wisconsinites!) about therapy. I once had some of the same thoughts running through my head. Everyone on the entire Earth is a mess and nobody has completely figured themselves out. Life is a series of discovering different aspects of who you are and at times it's confusing, frusterating and downright scary but never give up. And loved ones are important, but how much love is there if they can't accept you for who you are. I know this is difficult. But when it comes down to it from birth to death nobody really can own anything but themselves and their own actions so do whats best for you and those who love you enough for your innerself will stick by you.

This is why I'm terrible at giving advice: I get somewhat side tracked.

But take what ever truth that is truest to your heart. That is my advice.

[Guest Girl Emily]

Silver,

Don't become entangled in terms and their definition. There are many on this site who have taken hormones and transitioned to a point short of srs and less. The treatment is individualized to your needs not to a box marked TG or TS or whatever.

Tell your parents of your confusion and need for a gender therapist. You and only you are of concern. You are the child. The pain they might feel at your revalation is their burden to bare. And they will do so because you are their child. By not telling them you are robbing them of the opportunity to love you, the real you whatever that may be.

Huggs,

[Guest Evan_J]

God I'm glad you decided to hit that button. That's an awful lot to walk around with and no body to tell it to .

Actually, I followed all of it and would tell you "you're not alone" there are many who've felt like you do in that they don't want to transition entirely and don't want SRS yet they want (as in your case) to me more feminine in appearance or more male-like without totally male.

I've heard folks struggle over the whole "I would have to lie to the therapist" thing.

Even "I would have to deceive people."

The part I don't get though is this:

I would hate myself for considering illegal hormones and herbals, yet its what I almost feel I must do to be at balance.

If you would be willing to put your life and health at stake , for whatever it is you think those could give you (when in fact you likely will receive nothing in exchange by way of changes toward a more female-like self) why on Gods earth would you not just take the real-(safer and doc supervised)-deal?

I would have thought that it made more sense to forgo hormones all together (cuz you didn't want body changes) or go ahead and do the prescribed hormones even if its that you want maybe a lessor dosage or potentially not estrogen at all just spiro to stop the t affects. Either way, being in a position to do what was safer (cuz you feel you have family that would help you if you did want to transition entirely, that indicates something can be worked out and they be onboard) why would you just "decide not" ?

Rethink that. Seriously. You don't want to end up crippled for the rest of your life.

Beyond that I would say would Jean said.

..........if I had to do my life over I would have done things different and came out to the people I cared for as soon as I could have or at least seen a therapist so I could have discussed my feelings with him/her. To tell you the truth that is what I would suggest for you to at least start seeing a gender therapist, cause I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier if you wait.

[Sally]

Coming out is not lying - I cannot stress that enough.

Not telling them when you know it is true IS lying.

I wish that I could have started younger but I am going to be happy even with my size because it is what my heart has told me to do and I am much happier now in almost total isolation than I have ever been before.

Find a therapist and do not lie - tell them all of your feelings, only then can they help you to find your path, your comfort zone - your place in this gender spectrum.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ricka]

Sweetie---you have written so brilliantly and with amazing articulation what all of us here at Laura's have experienced at times and understand so well. So many times I have said to myself that "I am cast adrift on the sea of ambivalence." Hon, that is not so much about being trans as it is just about being human. I'm sure I'm not the only woman here whose maternal instincts were brought out by your soulful, sweet post and would take you in her arms, holding you against our bosoms and rock you and tell you it's all gonna work out, baby. We went through it ourselves and you will see.

hugs, Ricka