Completely Unsure...

[Guest Revi]

Let me start with a blog post I made in my LJ the other day. I warn you it's a little vague, but at this point, I don't feel I can tell my friends or family...

____________________________

Mood: Lost, Intimidated, Scared.

Music: Lacie - Kajiura Yuki - Pandora Hearts

I'm curious to know... I'm curious to know a lot of things....

I feel like a taught thread, pulled so tightly. But what happens when that thread finally breaks. It quivers and squeeks, on the verge of snapping. I feel that I'm barely standing on the edge of sanity...

The more I do my best to keep myself in control of my thoughts, feelings, and even my surroundings, the quicker I find myself slipping. I have this growingly dreading sensation that there's something around the corner that will shatter everything. Something that will pull me back toward that darkness I once had been able to escape. If I get pulled there again, I doubt I'll make it back this time... Circumstances are so much different now...

I wish I had someone I could physically talk to. That I could pour every inch of my heart and soul to without fear of judgement. No matter how many times the people around me say they will not judge and that they are there to support me and accept me for who and what I am, deep down, I still fear judgement and abandonment above all else.

I don't want to be alone...

Half of me is torn between pushing everything away to avoid the feeling of loss, and the other half of me wants to be smothered by everything around me to make me forget that darkness.

I have so many nightmares or strange dreams. I see those shadows in my vision again, and I always feel uneasy and alone...

Part of what's been bugging me is what I am, or who I am... I don't even have a clue. My thoughts and actions have changed so much from what they used to be.

I used to vent using violence. Now I find myself wanting that back, or vent through sex. I'm thinking more and more like a guy... My body feels really weird half the time now and I'm beginning to question a lot of things.

One part of me thinks that I'm using the sexual frustration in place of violence to cope with the testosterone. Part of me is dead set scared of thinking like men. That agression, the ego, the need to do something to assert power in oneself at the expense of another. But mostly all that agression... I don't want to think like the men I fear, the men who ruined my life so much. They still haunt me even now... It's all so messed up.

I don't want these thoughts. I don't want to feel the way I do. I don't want to question who I am all over again. I want it all to go away. What's a bit more problematic.... I find myself wanting to feel pain.... I want to feel pain so badly that I nearly cry just thinking about it....

______________________________________

For the most part, I've had a lot of thoughs of it might be cool to have a penis, or nice. I find myself liking stuff containing "she-males" and the sort. I've had a lot of daydreams or even just regular dreams that I have a penis and am pleasing another woman. Over the last couple of weeks, my agression in those thoughts have really started to scare me. Half the time, I'm nearly having that "phantom limb syndrome" for something I've never had.

Of years, I've already had it planned that I was going to at least shrink my breasts. (As they're too Gosh darned big and heavy for my size. The backpain is just too problematic.) Even now, I'm not sure I want to completely get RID of my breasts, but I DO want to downsize. But the whole thing with a penis is new to me. Thinking on it, though, I've had occasionally rare fleeting thoughts over the years.

Half of me thinks it's the horomones. I already have enough testosterone naturally in my system to have my own gotee, (however that word is spelled.)

In my youth, violence was my answer to everything. And to be honest, even now, I still wish I could go back to those days. Everything made sense, oddly enough. I honestly feel more alive when fighting. However, my mother disowned me and put me on a restraining order because of my anger, hatred, and violence. I've been violence free for the past three years. But I feel it's starting to wear at me and that it's turning to sexual agression frustration...

I'm pretty lost here.... I don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling half the time....

[Flint]

Some of your anger in the past COULD have been part of repression. Repressing something i.e gender. So deeply repressed that you had no idea, and if a thought did resurface you most probably stuffed it right back down due to a lack of understanding. This may not be the case at all, i could be completely wrong. After all I'm not a trained therapist or anything like that. (Although i do like to pretend to be ) I'm going off from my own experience then reading what you've put and suggesting what could be the case, that could possibly explain some of your past and present behaviors.

If you were to be seen as male in society, how would you feel about that? would you feel comfortable?

I'm guessing with what you said about men you have a love, hate relationship with men. And by that i mean you seem to have some anger towards men, yet a conflicting idea in yourself that you yourself are a man. I had this problem for a while i had to talk to someone and re-learn my whole idea of men in general. I had to use myself as a masculine example and other men in my life that have been good men as an example and stop generalizing all men and putting them including myself in the same box. But i do TRULY believe someone can only over come such a big issue through therapy. It's no good on your own. It's good you have started to talk about these problems on this forum and i hope you find some answers and help from here.

Matt.

[Carolyn Marie]

You've made some really interesting observations about yourself, Revi.

None of us can offer a diagnosis, but it certainly does sound like you would benefit from seeing a gender therapist, or if that's not possible, a general therapist.

You have multiple issues to work through, and its doubtful you could work through them on your own. Of course, you may already be seeing or have seen one,

and if so, please let us know what they've said.

Matthias is on the right track in his reply. Many of us MtF's went into male-dominated fields or hobbies in order to fit in or help in our repression of our true

selves. I spent 20 years in the police department. Repressing those feelings led many of us to alcohol or drug abuse, depression, and other hurtful

pursuits. So your story does fit the pattern.

I hope this helps.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Revi]

Matt: About the only thing that was repressed and has resurfaced is the current situation I'm in, in which homelessness looms close. I've been homeless and I had some pretty horrible experiences due to that fact.

So many people have called me "dude", "sir", and "Mr" it wouldn't really be too much different in my opinion... *tilts head* I mean, I like being female, save the big chest and the mothly issue, but I donno.... It's weird...

I pretty much DO hate about 95% of males. But I have some honest and good male friends that I would never trade...

_____________________________

Carolyn: I try to observe myself in order to change. I also observe people as well. It's just something ingrained.

I have no significant other. Haven't and probably won't at the rate I'm going...

Fits the pattern, huh?? Hmmm...

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Revi,

<<hug>>

I am sorry that you are having trouble with all of these feelings

Truth be known most people are unsure about many things

It is ok to unsure, Those that think they "know" often find they were wrong about many things.

Since the dawn of time people have been looking into the heavens with wonder, and awe

So please don't let it get you down

Keep an open mind and the truth will appear one day

We have a chat room called "Unsure what I am"

It is my favorite room

Maybe I'll see you their one day

vanna

[Guest Revi]

It might be okay to be unsure, however, I really don't like being unsure about myself. Oddly enough, over this last week, the thoughts and feelings kinda faded after posting here... *tilts head* Odd...

[Guest Evan_J]

re-learn my whole idea of men in general.

Yep, exactly what Matt wrote was my situation too. And I used myself and the men who were all the things I approved of/admired/ regarded as positive examples of manhood as well. I think that (likely) is something a lot of transmales have to do. Natal males probably do it too. But being originally physically outside of that entire title of male, we -and other female born people in our lives- easily can have thrown all of male kind into "evil"dumpster.

Thats difficult on the psyche and self esteem on a trans guy as a guy. Either (you think) you're "one of the good people" and therefore not male- denial of yourself in terms of sex id or one of the evil.

We get "helped out" in staying screwed up in this belief by (very typically I think) cis women who think that way. Be it teacher, aunt, S/O, ex or (for want of a better way to describe it and I know it exists just don't have the title) "feminist-type rhetoric".

Thats where a woman displaces the heck out of a set of circumstances as "all being the fault of males existence". Yes, there are evil males. Yes there are males who just by their waking up everyday lower "the good" in the world. But its not everybody.

And its not caused by being male.

Its caused by being evil. Its caused by not caring about anybody but themselves. Its caused by greed, averice, disregard for the sanctity of another person. Those things don't occur because you have a testosterone level of "x". Neither do they occur because your chomosome pattern is a given thing. They occur because the person chooses to be that.

Unfortunately for human kind we've taught each other to let males cop out and claim that it is caused by the other things and we've simultaneously taught each other to scapegoat testosterone levels, chromosome patterns , and genetals.

Yesterday an old man backed into my mothers car. She was LIVID and carried on about it for the following 4 hours. In the incident she was outside of her car, saw him backing up in a way that her car appeared in danger to her, yelled for him to stop, passers by yelled that he should stop. She got her arm inside the car and laid on the horn and still he backed up. In the aftermath she said "That's why I hate men. There's always one of them screwing up somebody's life. I don't like them. Not one of them. And I ain't going to, for no body".

Its not the first time she's said something like that. Its just the most recent. But what it did was make me feel bashed, like I was being told that as long as you want to be one of that group it applies to you too. That I was evil or I was not a man. One or the other.

A great number of us get that message. If not while we transition then before we transition and we bring it with us. I think thats what you're doing.

Take Matt's advice, talk to someone and work on what you think a man is and ought to be and redefine what one is really. and what it 's not.

[Guest Revi]

Hmm, I like how you put that. *tilts head*

There's a couple of other oddities. I mean, I'm very expressive and emotional, so much so that being female isn't a bad thing.

But the flip side is that.... Well first, I wanna ask how, uh, graphic can I get here...?

[Flint]

Hmm, I like how you put that. *tilts head*

There's a couple of other oddities. I mean, I'm very expressive and emotional, so much so that being female isn't a bad thing.

But the flip side is that.... Well first, I wanna ask how, uh, graphic can I get here...?

I'm emotional and expressive. But I'm manly with it

But i see what your saying.

And, how graphic can you get? Erm... I'll turn to another mod for that as I'm kinda new to the whole mod situation

[Guest Darrel]

Having attachment to your female body and female identity most likely points to not being a transman. You could be one, but I wouldn't be quick to jump on the bandwagon.

Consider taking as much time as possible deciding if being a man would make you happier, or miserable. For most transsexuals (but not all), stumbling across the idea of finally becoming the gender you've dreamed of clicks and a lightbulb goes off. I wouldn't say there's much uncertainty -- if you've felt off your whole life, this lifestyle helps open the door and expose the beautiful world.

But, if you've felt perfectly happy with your identity and are now just starting to feel like something is off, don't be hasty and jump right into it. You could really hurt yourself.

You could always be bigendered, which is being both genders at once. Or androgynous, which is neither gender. Or you could be a female who just likes to occasionally crossdress.

[Guest Revi]

I don't have an attachment to my female body. It was more pride that as a woman, I could best men, especially those with the same traits as those who wronged me deeply in the past. I never paid attention to the physical part of it until recently. I'd always mentally had something in it. Just proving men wrong and that I could best them and show them not to take me lightly and that I could protect myself, that I could fight back and win.

I started dressing boyish originally as a form of protection. Because I was always mistaken for a guy, I would be bothered by men less. It just kinda stuck into a comfortable way of dressing and living.

I'm not entirely HAPPY with my identity, but that's on a various amount of levels. One thing is for sure, I have having a big chest. I've wanted that gone for years. =_=;

But I think part of the other ultimatum that influences this sort of thinking is sexual habits. Or the thoughts and fantasies there of... Once I know how, eh, graphic I can get here, I can further explain.

[Flint]

I don't have an attachment to my female body. It was more pride that as a woman, I could best men, especially those with the same traits as those who wronged me deeply in the past. I never paid attention to the physical part of it until recently. I'd always mentally had something in it. Just proving men wrong and that I could best them and show them not to take me lightly and that I could protect myself, that I could fight back and win.

I started dressing boyish originally as a form of protection. Because I was always mistaken for a guy, I would be bothered by men less. It just kinda stuck into a comfortable way of dressing and living.

I'm not entirely HAPPY with my identity, but that's on a various amount of levels. One thing is for sure, I have having a big chest. I've wanted that gone for years. =_=;

But I think part of the other ultimatum that influences this sort of thinking is sexual habits. Or the thoughts and fantasies there of... Once I know how, eh, graphic I can get here, I can further explain.

I dunno if I'm gonna get a telling off for saying this but perhaps you could post what it is you need to and then a moderator will approve or disapprove. I mean don't get TOO graphic, there is getting too graphic and there is posting about a mature subject but wording it.....somewhat..i dunno....I'm trying to think of the word but it's not coming to me at the moment.

Anyone wanna help me out here?

[Guest Revi]

Alright. I'll try and be mature but not too graphic. Everyone pleasures themselves. I do as well, human nature. However, what spurs it is odd. I imagine myself having a penis and pleasuring the lady. Or having the need to feel I'm inside them or something... It's always the same, never different.

[Flint]

Alright. I'll try and be mature but not too graphic. Everyone pleasures themselves. I do as well, human nature. However, what spurs it is odd. I imagine myself having a penis and pleasuring the lady. Or having the need to feel I'm inside them or something... It's always the same, never different.

Apart from the fact I spent my time editing photos drawing beards on myself for a long time, and generally feeling male...one thing that actually struck me enough to make start researching gender was exactly this issue your talking about here!

I've got to go, father is calling me. But I'll be back to post more. sorry about that

[Flint]

Yea..

So this was the exact same thing that struck me when I first started to notice my gender issues.

But it doesn't necessarily mean that you are a transsexual. It could be something else where your aroused by the idea of being a male in that department, but don't actually see yourself as male all the time. I'm not too sure on this subject though.

I would suggest that you read some stories about FTM's (female to male) and see if you can relate to anything they're saying. I know that when I first started researching about gender I was learning what a transsexual really was, I'd never had that knowledge before so could never really explain my feelings. But as soon as I started hearing other FTM stories I found myself relating more and more to everything they were saying, things from the past all started to make so much more sense for me. Childhood games where I used to ALWAYS play male characters, I got moody if anyone was to even so much as mention that I play a female character! I was offended by them saying such a thing! "Me play female character?! I do not think so somehow!" is what I'd say completely outraged at their idea of me playing a female character, all those stories started to make sense in my head finally!

[Guest Revi]

lol I'll read up when I get some time. At the moment, I don't have the net at my place. So it's hard to do right now...

[Guest Evan_J]

I imagine myself having a penis and pleasuring the lady.

*expoundence sent in pm for the sake of propriety.

But in essence, that others have felt this.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Stupid of me to post maybe.. its been a bad time for me, but it is also a time where I have topped the hill and have easy sleding down the other side. I can see now where I have been and where I am going - almost 17 months on HRT and passing easily as truly am.

I am virtually full time - and nobody seems to notice that I am a newly minted woman. I just am what I am finally, and it is so good. Clarifying this, I am MTF - people see me as just another woman on the street, in the store, whatever. And I think and act female now.

BUT

I have lost almost all my male side. Totally changed now. I lost aptitudes I had developed, and especially, lost the feeling of being 'bulletproof."

It' a combination of a lot of things... the estrogen, the therapy, the full time living.

SO

As a FTM you DON'T want to lose parts of you that you like? If you DON"T like the things that being on testosterone brings you (aggression being a big part of that)? Then you are in trouble.

Transitioning tends to be all or nothing. If you transition from male to female - you will end up a woman. If you transition from female to male - you will end up a man.

There are a few things that are gender neautral enough to stay with you - and those can usually follow you through, BUT, they will be colored in everything you do with your new gender attitudes.

This is why we are screened so carefully. We MUST be suited for transitioning. Androgyne and CDing people should not transition at all, in my opinion. It is impossible to HALF transition, or pick the attributes you like, refusing the parts you dont.

Of course - BODY transitioning is imperfect, both for MTF and FTM - so we tend to THINK the mental changes and such are also imperfect. WRONG. My experience? Hormones - male hormones make you think and act like a man - female hormones make you think and act like a woman. Takes about a year...

That's how it works.

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Revi]

Stupid of me to post maybe.. its been a bad time for me, but it is also a time where I have topped the hill and have easy sleding down the other side. I can see now where I have been and where I am going - almost 17 months on HRT and passing easily as truly am.

I am virtually full time - and nobody seems to notice that I am a newly minted woman. I just am what I am finally, and it is so good. Clarifying this, I am MTF - people see me as just another woman on the street, in the store, whatever. And I think and act female now.

BUT

I have lost almost all my male side. Totally changed now. I lost aptitudes I had developed, and especially, lost the feeling of being 'bulletproof."

It' a combination of a lot of things... the estrogen, the therapy, the full time living.

SO

As a FTM you DON'T want to lose parts of you that you like? If you DON"T like the things that being on testosterone brings you (aggression being a big part of that)? Then you are in trouble.

Transitioning tends to be all or nothing. If you transition from male to female - you will end up a woman. If you transition from female to male - you will end up a man.

There are a few things that are gender neautral enough to stay with you - and those can usually follow you through, BUT, they will be colored in everything you do with your new gender attitudes.

This is why we are screened so carefully. We MUST be suited for transitioning. Androgyne and CDing people should not transition at all, in my opinion. It is impossible to HALF transition, or pick the attributes you like, refusing the parts you dont.

Of course - BODY transitioning is imperfect, both for MTF and FTM - so we tend to THINK the mental changes and such are also imperfect. WRONG. My experience? Hormones - male hormones make you think and act like a man - female hormones make you think and act like a woman. Takes about a year...

That's how it works.

Elizabeth Anne

Well, to be honest, I have thought that having a flat chest like a guy and being able to take of my shirt has been extremely appealing. And having the sensations and thoughts of having a penis have been confusing, but not something I've found as a negative thing or bad... I've always wanted to know what it's like on the other side and always felt bigger or as you put it "bulletproof" being more masculine that the vulnerable female self.

I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable and love it when I can prove I'm better than men. Or even really nasty women. The feeling of victory at proving someone wrong about something they assume of me.

Or the feeling of ownership of someone I'm with, or my jealous tendancies... Other than the agression of violence and the need to fight or use martial arts and sparring being masculine has always made me feel more comfortable and stable. I don't like feminine weakness or instability or vulnerability... And being mistaken for a guy always came off as more amusingly fun than insulting. It's NEVER been insulting for me to be mistaken for a man.

However, the one confusing thing that's always baffled me is for some reason, men are attracted to me. *tilts head* no matter how masculine or feminine I am, people manage to fall for me when I feel nothing for them. I've had some crazy stalkers showing up in my driveway as I leave for school, or following me home. Random people attaching themselves to me. Some guys with some weird fetishes wanting me in their sad little fantasies.

I've even had a few women falling for me, one of which I felt extremely guilty for turning down, more because I know what it's like to be in love and never have it returned. I was in love with my best friend for 10 years... Tell you what, that was a bloody nightmare in itself. Infact, it was when I realized how I felt that I struggled with my "sexuality" of being bisexual or lesbian. I've settled with lesbian, but now, I'm not so sure anymore. I know I will always be attracted to women. Absolutely no doubt there... But as where I stand in who or what I am is another question entirely...

[Flint]

Well, to be honest, I have thought that having a flat chest like a guy and being able to take of my shirt has been extremely appealing. And having the sensations and thoughts of having a penis have been confusing, but not something I've found as a negative thing or bad... I've always wanted to know what it's like on the other side and always felt bigger or as you put it "bulletproof" being more masculine that the vulnerable female self.

I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable and love it when I can prove I'm better than men. Or even really nasty women. The feeling of victory at proving someone wrong about something they assume of me.

Or the feeling of ownership of someone I'm with, or my jealous tendancies... Other than the agression of violence and the need to fight or use martial arts and sparring being masculine has always made me feel more comfortable and stable. I don't like feminine weakness or instability or vulnerability... And being mistaken for a guy always came off as more amusingly fun than insulting. It's NEVER been insulting for me to be mistaken for a man.

However, the one confusing thing that's always baffled me is for some reason, men are attracted to me. *tilts head* no matter how masculine or feminine I am, people manage to fall for me when I feel nothing for them. I've had some crazy stalkers showing up in my driveway as I leave for school, or following me home. Random people attaching themselves to me. Some guys with some weird fetishes wanting me in their sad little fantasies.

I've even had a few women falling for me, one of which I felt extremely guilty for turning down, more because I know what it's like to be in love and never have it returned. I was in love with my best friend for 10 years... Tell you what, that was a bloody nightmare in itself. Infact, it was when I realized how I felt that I struggled with my "sexuality" of being bisexual or lesbian. I've settled with lesbian, but now, I'm not so sure anymore. I know I will always be attracted to women. Absolutely no doubt there... But as where I stand in who or what I am is another question entirely...

A lot of men seem to get turned on by the idea of a independent strong woman. I dunno what it is...You'd think they wouldn't right? Because they're the man who wants to be the masculine strong one? but I dunno I think it's the way strong willed women walk....sorry going off on my thing here

Anyway yea that could be one reason men seem so attracted to you. Maybe they feel drawn to your sense of competitiveness, and as you are seen as female by them they become attracted you. It's odd, and they're possibly attracted to you for all the wrong reasons I don't know

There is something very....hot about a woman who knows how to hold herself. I'm just saying some men maybe see you that way? Honestly I don't know.

I don't know how you dress or anything.

A lot of men feel like they need to compete with other men, a bit like you feel like you do. Sometimes the other man knows it, sometimes it's all a competition in ones head... or is that just me?

I dunno how you'd feel about going to see a gender therapist or something, but It may be an idea after you've read some stories on FTM's to maybe talk about these things and make more sense of them with a professional.

[Guest Penelope]

Transitioning tends to be all or nothing. If you transition from male to female - you will end up a woman. If you transition from female to male - you will end up a man.

There are a few things that are gender neautral enough to stay with you - and those can usually follow you through, BUT, they will be colored in everything you do with your new gender attitudes.

This is why we are screened so carefully. We MUST be suited for transitioning. Androgyne and CDing people should not transition at all, in my opinion. It is impossible to HALF transition, or pick the attributes you like, refusing the parts you dont.

Of course - BODY transitioning is imperfect, both for MTF and FTM - so we tend to THINK the mental changes and such are also imperfect. WRONG. My experience? Hormones - male hormones make you think and act like a man - female hormones make you think and act like a woman. Takes about a year...

That's how it works.

Elizabeth Anne

The above makes great sense to me even though I'm not, as far as I know, on the same trajectory.

The trouble is that life outside of transitioning can be complicated too. I must make room for the male and the female inside; and express both.

It remains possible that the male is a fiction and the female is a fundamental reality that has been repressed (internally and externally) over a lifetime. Time will tell.

Penelope.

[Guest Revi]

You know, there's another thing that just struck me.

I always hated being called a girl, female, lady, or woman... Even now, I still don't like it, but I don't freak out over it like I used to. I used to really get on people's cases for calling me anything of the female gender discription. My bio-dad and I had wars over it sometimes.

After talking about this here on this board, the idea of being male is more appealing and less freakish. Only problem now is friends and family, information on things, and then whatever comes next....

Not that I've made a choice....but still, I feel a little better.

[Guest Revi]

not sure when I can get back on. I'm stuck in Norway with no way back home to the states.... A lot has happened in the last week and a half.

Please wish me luck in returning to Washington State, (my home state, WA rules!!)

[Guest Donna Jean]

Revi....

Hon, Good luck on getting back to Wa. state.......

Please be careful and post here when you can.....OK?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Revi]

Well, I am home back in my home state. Arrived in Seattle around 11pm after staying up for more than 24hrs straight with a 17hr flight.