Did Not Last Long

[Guest daphene]

Well my moving out did not last but a few days. I am back home now because I am a wimp. The guilt was overwhelming. I just can not seem to get over my wife. I am sure I did not give it long enough but maybe also I moved too fast for my own good. I somehow feel responsible for her so I have a tremendous amount of guilt for doing what I need to do instead of putting her needs first. I don't know if it is the guilt of leaving or what, but I went back. Life still sucks but I am getting used to that. I have got to figure out a way to get over feeling guilty about my transgender feelings or it is going to eat me up. I am at work now and I can not even function. All I can think about is leaving and being Daphene and how nice it would be. On the other hand when I get the chance, the guilt of putting my needs first and essentually bailing on my wife just eats me alive. I don't know if maybe I have not completely accepted myself or if all this guilt is normal. Whatever the case, I am not so sure I can handle it. I am stuck between in a place I do not like, and that is not knowing what to do next or how to do it anyway. How do you deal with the guilt? I know we have no choice but to eventually do what we must do to be ourselves, but so far the guilt keeps me from doing that.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Flint]

These things can make a person feel guilty, going round in your mind tormenting yourself.

I think it's also a fear factor. You know it's for the best, but you start to feel guilty, you start to panic and you find yourself pulling back to where you've just gotten away from.

Sorry your in this place right now. It's hard to get out of, you can find yourself stuck there just not knowing what to do.

But it's your happiness that counts at the end of the day. Gender identity isn't something you can get over.

Someone leaving someone, while extremely painful and while it can take a while to get to grips with that reality and be a very sad time for that person, in the end they CAN get over it. They can find a life.

This gender issue isn't like that, you can't just get over it.

So your guilt while understandable, is holding you back and it's not your fault! This isn't your fault. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Matt

[Guest Elizabeth K]

How do you deal with the guilt

I tried to put my wife's interest ahead of mine - for a year and a half.

TOTAL Waste of time!

She had me thrown out of the house this Saturday after all that!

Be true to yourself.

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Daphene....

It's difficult, Hon....guilt is a killer. It's hard to control and all consuming sometimes....

I had a bad case of it over coming out to my wife...

It seems that some people have very little guilt over anything...and some of us feel guilty over everything!

But, you'll have to learn to handle it compared to what you must do in this life...

Guilt hurts....no doubt about it!

Good luck, Hon!

Donna Jean

[Guest Girl Emily]

Daphne,

You are in position that exemplifies the insidious nature of our condition and I can feel the pain in your posts. Guilt is only justified to feel when you are the cause of the negative experience of another person that is avoidable. Your condition requires treatment that is in compatible with your relationship. Failure to treat it could result in your ultimate demise. Treatment is unavoidable therefore your actions seeking treatment treatment is noy the cause of justified guilt. You will do no one any good if you stay. Your situation reminds me of a quote on my profile "It is almost impossible for anyone even the most ineffective among us to continue in misery after becoming aware that it is a choice." William Glasser You are the author of your life. It is better to take action now than later. It will be painful when ever it occurs. It is inevitable. I recently read a statement on transition that posited it is only undertaken as a last resort before choosing death. Perhaps you are not there yet. I will pray for you Daphne.

Huggs

[Guest daphene]

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement. The support here is wonderful and I would hate to have to deal with this without your continued support. Emily, I need all the prayers I can get. This is a tough situation as many of us know all to well. I feel guilt because for some reason I think this my fault somehow even though I know it isn't. We will all get thru our tough times with each others encouragement. Thanks again.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Donna Jean]

Honey,

Guilt is a strange creature......

For instance...I had both of my hips replaced some time ago and I was flat on my back for some time...

I had to be waited on hand and foot.

I felt terribly guilty that I was inconviencing people, though it was not my fault at all to be in that condition.

Guilt sux....

Donna Jean

[Guest daphene]

You are right Donna Jean, Guilt does suck. I would be moving right along smoothly if it were not for guilt.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Daphene

I know this is a difficult time for you. I do hope that you find balance etween your relationship with your wife and your need to be yourself. Expressing your true self does not mean that you are doing something to someone else to hurt them. I know it can appear that way sometimes, but that is not really true. I find it sad that so often it happens when a loved one demands that the transgendered partner either remain the way the loved one wants them or leave. It seems that people love you only if you cater to their needs and be who they want you to be.

All I can say hon is that the "guilt" feelings will dissipate.

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest ricka]

Daphene, Hon I really can feel for you having gone through a very similar experience in my marriage some years ago. The thing is that in real life we all can find ourselves in situations where there is no perfect solution---which may mean that the reality is simply that it is not possible for you to be the man your wife married years ago. The other thing is that you can be in love with someone and come to an acceptance of the fact that it just cannot work to be with him/her. I would very much recommend you and your wife get into couple's therapy if you haven't done so to both be able to sort all of this out to reach the best possible outcome for both of you.

Thanks for keeping us posted. We really do care about you very much!

Hugs, Ricka

[Carolyn Marie]

Daphene, I do understand and appreciate what you are going through. Guilt can eat you alive if you let it. For those of us who transition later

in life, with wives and sometimes families, it can be overwhelming.

I've had many discussions with my G.T. about guilt, as I've struggled with it too. One of the issues has been, that most of us see our roles as

the protector and provider for the family. It is our job to make everyone happy, to give them what they need, to raise kids in the best

possible environment, to avoid giving pain to those you love. In short, to protect them from unhappiness and torment.

So here you come, with your news, and all that you thought you were supposed to be, and do, goes out the window. Now you are the cause of

the pain and the torment and the unhappiness. That, for many of us, is the source of the guilt.

Finding a way to live with it, to deal with it, and to make peace with yourself, is the way out. We didn't choose being this way, we didn't ask to

be trans, but we are. It is no more our fault than being diabetic is for me. I don't feel guilty for being diabetic, why should I feel guilty for

being trans? IDK, but I am. We can overcome the guilt, hon. Work with your therapist, talk to us. We understand. I understand.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JustShelly]

Daphene,

I wish I had the answer for you. I am consumed with the same guilt if not more. Mine is, I feel very selfish in putting myself first instead of my children. I know deep down I could be a better person if I would come to accept myself. I have deep depression and anxiety, I stopped taking antidepressant since starting hrt but my depression has since come back bad again. I am seeing a new Therapist and going back on anti D's. even though I don't want to I know I have too.

I have not posted on here for awhile, I had a unfavorable experience that just made me hate myself even more. I been pretty much browsing since but felt the need to post again after reading your post. I have always thought that you cannot push or force anyone to except you. Even if that person truly loves you it will take along time maybe too long, but if they truly love you they will except you. I have to believe that.

I have read about too many of us that are upset with significant others, family, friends, or coworkers that don't accept them basically as soon as they tell them. We all have to remember that they all knew us (not all trans) as (him) they liked "him", they had fun with "him" they made love to "him", they called "him by "his" name. Now alot of that is gone or much different, does anyone logically think that it could take only weeks or months to accept these changes. Some people it may, others it may take years. I always think about a post I read somewhere, she stated that she was upset with her Sister and never wants to see her again because her Sister refuses to call her by her new name. This was only 2 months since she came out. Give people time, please it will only help yourself.

Even though I have not posted here, I have read many good posts and many wonderful replies, mostly from our "older" ladies and moderators.

Thank you for helping me even though you didn't know it.

Shelly

[Guest chngnwnd]

Guilt is insidious. Also, some people use it as a weapon. When it creeps up on me or is hurled at me, it takes great effort, but I always ask myself: Why do I feel guilty? Did I consciously make an effort to do what is the cause of my guilty feelings? Sometimes this helps me to dismiss the feelings right away.

My ex that is putting me through hell right now is trying to use it against me - accusing me of being selfish and not thinking of the kids... That is when I must think rationally - and reflect on how my actions or inactions affect them. My kids want a happy, caring parent - they do not like to see me sick, depressed, or detached... How do I relate to them now that I accept myself for me (even though they don't know yet) compared to how I acted when I was not honest with myself? I find that I am now a much better, happier, healthier, and more engaged parent. The guilt she is trying to place on me evaporated in the sun.

If you did not consciously decieve your wife - if you ask yourself questions like this, it may be easier to deal with guilt...

Bobby

[Guest daphene]

Thanks to all of you for your supportive responses. I really appreciate the support we all recieve here at Laura's. Guilt is I think my biggest issue right now as it is for many of us here. But we will get thru it and move forward. It does just take time, unfortunately for me, too much time. I am not a patient person. Again, thanks to all of you.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest ricka]

When it really comes down to it the greatest damage is done to ourselves and to others when we attempt to be who we are not. This is deception and it is what does the most damage. We do not wound ourselves or others being who we are--we may not always be accepted, we may not always fit into people's lives as they expect us to, but we do not wound.

Hugs, Ricka

[gennee]

Daphene, there's no reason to feel guilty about this. This is who you are. Society tries to make us feel guilty about these feelings. When you accept who you are much of the stress will dissipate. I am fortunate that my wife accepts that I'm transgender. I was concened about how this would affect my family but iit has turned out well.

Gennee